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Today's featured article
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You have two cows is the ultimate philosophical truth. All categories except Category Nine (How mooriginal) may contain contributions from the Internet as well as Uncyclopedians. Mathematical proof that you have two cows lies in moometric identity:

This mathematical proof can also be written with the second moometric identity:

Where Moo is the universal moometric constant.

A longstanding tradition of mathematics is discovering new truths pertaining to two-cow ownership. Currently, 45,893 45,894 45,895 45,896 45,897 45,898 45,899 45,900 are known. (Full article...)

On this day in history
CAUTION: INVINCIBLE MOOSE AHEAD, MOOSE JERKY WILL INCITE BERSERKER MODE

June 9: Moose Conservation Day (Canada)

  • 1920 - First solar-powered air balloon launched at night.
  • 1926 - First refrigerator invented, used to kill people slowly and coldly, scientists decide it is better to use a refrigerator to keep food cold instead.
  • 1940 - The team of scientists at Los Alamos construct the world's first nuclear weapons after the US government's promise to only use them for peaceful nuclear bombings.
  • 1969 - Sex is created, scientists do not think it will be a big hit.
  • 1988 - The VHS video entitled Steal This Movie becomes the world's most widely stolen merchandise. Politicians baffled.
  • 1993 - The case of Pot v. Kettle goes to the Supreme Court.
  • 2003 - Open-Heart Surgery for Dummies notches its record breaking 500th lawsuit.
  • 2005 - On this Moose Conservation Day, nothing moose-related is mentioned.
Featured biography
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Charles Parnell "Chuck" Norris (born March 13, 1944) is a Certified Public Accountant from Wilmington, Delaware. Norris has had an unexceptional career in accounting, and is utterly at a loss to explain why people have been making fun of him since the early 1980s.

Norris was born in the small town of Lewes, Delaware on March 13, 1944, the third of four children. His father, Ellsworth Q. Norris, worked at a warehouse where toy cars with chipped paint were stored until they could be shipped back to the manufacturer for repainting (toys with different defects were stored in a separate warehouse across the street). His mother, Pearl Norris, was known for making "the best darn tootin' apple cobbler in Lewes."

Norris was a B student, but received high marks in mathematics. At age 18, he made the bold decision to "move to the big city" of Wilmington (pop. 72,000), a decision for which his mother would gently chide him for the rest of her life. Norris found employment at the small CPA firm Lee, Gracie & Seagal, where he continues to work to this day.

In 1965, Norris married Ruth Smith, an intern at his father's warehouse. Over the next five years, the Norrises gave birth to 2.7 children (Thomas, Mary, and Cristop Norris), and acquired a small dog and some tropical fish. (Full article...)

Picture of the day
Professional Potato Sack Racing
 After tiring of bourgeois racing events such as MotoGP and Formula One, Valentino Rossi enters the competitive world of Potato Sack Racing

Image credit: Sonje
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Did You Know?
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  • ... that I started drowning two minutes before typing this? (Pictured)
  • ... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside?
  • ... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to America and her allies?
  • ... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
  • ... that every time you shoot yourself in the head, someone somewhere in the world dies?
  • ... that colorless green ideas sleep furiously?
  • ... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?
  • ... that the packets of silica gel that say "DO NOT EAT" are actually delicious?
  • ... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
  • ... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?
  • ... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?
  • ... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

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The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

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The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

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Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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