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Today's featured article

Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge.

Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one.

Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again!

Hold on...

Why is my hair roller in here?

Wait...

This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill?

Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault.

Just a minute...

WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...)

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In the news

CHJpdmF0ZS9sci9pbWFnZXMvd2Vic2l0ZS8yMDIyLTA1L2xvY2dvdHRsaWViMTI1MDEtaW1hZ2UuanBn.jpg

"Come! Come support my tacky AI website!"

Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (Pictured; this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over

Recent deaths: Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

Alt + F4 deletes your browser history, try it.

February 19: Alt + F4 Day

1600 - A volcano explodes in Peru. It's a good first line for a limerick, I guess.
1807 - Aaron Burr, former Vice President and guy who shot Alexander Hamilton, is imprisoned for treason; Burr is released following a quadruple rhyming triplet and an emotionally resonant leitmotif allusion.
1846 - The State Government of Texas is officially established in Austin, its first act: Mexican food sold within the state must include at least 200% recommended cheese intake.
1915 - World War I: The first attack on the Ottomans commences as the Australians attack the shoreline with drop bear reinforcements.
1949 - Ezra Pound decides that poetry is the perfect medium for his antisemitism, mostly because Jew can be rhymed with so many other words.
1954 - The Soviet Union transfers Crimea from Russian land to Ukraine, which will cause absolutely no problems in future.
1985 - EastEnders stars airing in the UK, causing more Brits to be visibly depressed.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Sam "I won that debate against Chomsky" Harris is a bear of a man, with a mind of unparalleled genius, whose august presence on the internet makes The Discourse that much more civil and rational and smart. Sam Harris is best known for never losing an argument online, and solving all of the philosophy using logic and facts. Before Sam Harris published his book The End of Faith in 2004, no one had thought to use rationality and reason to explore philosophical ideas: philosophy hitherto Sam Harris was made up mostly of pussy God lovers like Søren Kierkegaard who believed in fairy tales because they weren't rational and logical and right about stuff like Sam Harris is.

Today Sam Harris has become a light, shining effervescent in a world dimmed by the evils of Islam and people who disagree with me. Sam Harris has written many books, very long books with little to no pictures, filled with great ideas. Sam Harris has appeared in the prestigious TED talks, where he speaks in a suave and bookish monotone, dispensing his wisdom the way a sprinkler dispenses the succulent water to the hungry hungry grass. Harris has also founded the "Nuke the Muslims until their bones are glass" school of moral philosophy.

Sam Harris was born into this reality like any other rational thinker: pale, wrinkling, writhing, and beaming with potential. He emerged from the flesh cocoon of womanhood into a world chained by anti-intellectualism and its heralds, who are called priests or imams (but mostly imams). (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

', featured on 19 February 2023: Featured version
UnBooks:Biography: The guy who invented soap, featured on 19 February 2013: Featured version
God's userpage, featured on 19 February 2012: Featured version
Pearl necklace, featured on 19 February 2011: Featured version
HowTo:Get hold of a Number Six Cylon, featured on 19 February 2010: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured February 19

Picture of the day

The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it.

Image credit: Serge Billault
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Did You Know?

... that in Israel, chess sets contain rabbis rather than bishops? (Pictured)

... that the entire army of Liechtenstein consists of 3 soldiers? (Pictured)

... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now?
... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?
... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?
... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?

... that no, doing this does not make your incompetence any less obvious? (Pictured)

... that testicles are edible and a good source of protein?
... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?
... that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?
... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?
... you're so fat, that if you don't stop, within a month you're gonna have a heart attack or stroke?
... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
... that 100% of divorces start with marriage?

... that the history of Great Britain (Pictured) is greater than Frosties?

... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?
... that there is a simple, easy solution to the fact that you cannot understand the foreigners who are sitting next to you?
... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?
... that pillow fighting is a violent trend among the world's pillow population, and must be stopped?
... that if you poke a whale in the tummy it will giggle like a schoolgirl?

... that John Travolta (Pictured) isn't gay?

... that this sentence is incomple
... pole dancing was introduced to Egyptian culture by Cleopatra?
... that The Oldest Trick in the Book was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia?
... that you've just lost the game?
... that individuals born under the sign of Gemini are often flammable and vulnerable to bear attacks?
... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?
... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA

... that the Qu'ran was originally taken from a page in the Thomas the Tank Engine activity and coloring book? (Pictured)

... that the bow-tie is an aphrodisiac worn by male humans which instantly increases the sexual appeal of the wearer by 16%?
... that if you poke a whale in the tummy it will giggle like a schoolgirl?
... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?
... that Bill Cosby and Bing Crosby are the same person?
... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
... the muffin man?

... that I started drowning two minutes before typing this? (Pictured)

... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?
... that testicles are edible and a good source of protein?
... that I think you know what's happening today?
... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does?
... that I let the dogs out, and you can't do a goddamn thing about it?
... that when it says "Do not try at home", it actually means "Do not try this at all"?

... that I hear voices outside my room? (Pictured)

... that you just lost the Game?
... that Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson's lover but Macaluey Culkin was?
... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
... that Liechtenstein is completely pointless?
... that one person can change the world, but the admins will probably just revert it?
... that your fly is unzipped?
... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?

... that Wikipedia contains millions of articles written by countless anonymous contributors? (Pictured)

... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
... that you have probably broken at least three of the Ten Commandments just by visiting this website?
... that Rihanna's hit song Umbrella can cause rain to fall upwards?
... that hitting your kids may be beneficial to their health, or at the very least amusing to you?
... that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Bros. movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?
... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?

... that male and female giraffes have been banned from living together in the New York City Zoo since 1975? (Pictured)

... that if you poke a whale in the tummy it will giggle like a schoolgirl?
... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
... that school is an asylum where they mentally and physically abuse you for seven cruel hours, all with your parents' approval?
... that the great Wall Street Crash of 1929 led to many opportunities for great photography of homeless people and farmers covered in dust the following years?
... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
... that a camel's boobies are on its back?

... that the Southern United States is well-known for its "Southern Hospitality"? (Pictured)

...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special?
... that Alaska's principle exports include snow, ice, frozen water, and permafrost?
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?
... that half of all American schoolchildren graduate in the bottom 50% of their class?
... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
... that Earth, Wind & Fire have produced a multi-season autobiography?

... that your nipples (Pictured) can fall off?

... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
... that I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never gonna keep me down?
... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"?
... that The Oldest Trick in the Book was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia?
... that this is why we can't have nice things?
... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

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Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

More Why?

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