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Today's featured article

Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge.

Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one.

Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again!

Hold on...

Why is my hair roller in here?

Wait...

This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill?

Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault.

Just a minute...

WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...)

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In the news

CHJpdmF0ZS9sci9pbWFnZXMvd2Vic2l0ZS8yMDIyLTA1L2xvY2dvdHRsaWViMTI1MDEtaW1hZ2UuanBn.jpg

"Come! Come support my tacky AI website!"

Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (Pictured; this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over

Recent deaths: Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

Pictured: Your taste in music/television/everything.

February 20: Hot Garbage Day

1792 - The Postal Service is first established, celebration ceremony is accidentally rerouted to San Francisco, Spanish California.
1872 - After some harsh wind, the Metropolitan Museum of Art opens its first exhibit, a giant pile of toppled over ceiling scaffolding.
1877 - Russian ballet Swan Lake is received poorly by critics after show swans descend into the audience and peck their eyes out.
1935 - The first woman to set foot in Antarctica wonders what all the fuss was about.
1986 - The Soviet Union launches the space station Mir, cosmonauts test whether communism can work in outer space.
2016 - A man in Schenectady, New York is the first person to describe someone's opinion as "hot garbage" (Pictured), is given medal for ruining English.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Alexander Hamilton (January 11, 1755 or 1757 – July 12, 1804) was the first (and last) United States Secretary of the Treasury to be killed in a duel. He was also one of the Founding Fathers of the United States, a lawyer and street judge, and a slave-owner. An all-around good guy.

As butler to General George Washington during the War of Colonial Aggression against Great Britain, Hamilton called for a new Constitution. He wrote, like, almost all of the Federalist Papers, a primary source for Constitutional repression. He was opposed by other Founding Fathers, namely all of the ones who didn't like uppity, philandering bastards.

Today, Hamilton is on the U.S. $10 bill, a testament to America's appreciation for adulterous dueling bastards who are good with fiscal policy.

Hamilton was born in Jamaica, the son of Samuel Hamilton, captain of the colonial island's bobsled team. Hamilton's mother was a 'ho and it was widely known that Hamilton was born out of wedlock, a good old-fashioned bastard in the purest possible sense. He spent his childhood days polishing his father's bobsled blades and the nobs of other bobsled teammates. His hobbies included printing his own money on palm leaves and then being lashed viciously by his father, who was also the local vicar, for counterfeiting. (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Lincoln Logs, featured on 20 February 2019: Featured version
Pierre Curie, featured on 20 February 2012: Featured version
BabyTV, featured on 20 February 2011: Featured version
Jewish cuisine, featured on 20 February 2010: Featured version
Printer ink, featured on 20 February 2009: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured February 20

Picture of the day

Not only is it a small world, it also always was a small world. Apparently.

Image credit: SimulacrumCaputosis
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images

Did You Know?

... that the Southern United States is well-known for its "Southern Hospitality"? (Pictured)

... that the Qu'ran was originally taken from a page in the Thomas the Tank Engine activity and coloring book? (Pictured)

... that a simile is like a metaphor? And hyperbole is the greatest thing ever?
... that gender is a scam invented in 1825 to sell more bathrooms?
... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?
... that there is one imposter among us?
... that vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?

... cluck gawk cluck cluck cluck cluck bock bock cluck cluck B`gawk? (Pictured)

... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
... that the handgun is one of the most pitiful guns you can find, seeing as it's part of your hand?
... that nobody asked?
... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
... that torture is better to give than to receive?
... that pillow fighting is a violent trend among the world's pillow population, and must be stopped?
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?

... that there's only one way to party? (Pictured)

... that Alexander isn't really that Great?
... that everything will become nostalgic due to everything being worse?
...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special?
... that a Pie Chart is the most delicious way of visually conveying information?
... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun?
... that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?

... that the Angel of Death is after you? (Pictured)

... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?
... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
... that if you poke a whale in the tummy it will giggle like a schoolgirl?
... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?

... that your nipples (Pictured) can fall off?

... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?
... that Wikipedia features DYKs about mosaic floors that were discovered between 1932 and 1939?
... that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal?
... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that the brainrot is taking oveBRR BRR PATAPIM, IL MIO CAPPELO E PIENO DI SLIM! TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG SAHUR! BOMBARDINO CROCODILO!
... that you've just lost the game?
... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions?

... that liberals want to eat your children? (Pictured)

... that every single day, we breathe enough air to continue living?
... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?
... that there is a pipe bomb placed in your mailbox?
... that I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It was written by a computer?
... that you can fry a potato but not a potatoe, according to the Potato-tomato theorem?
... that Robert Shaw won the Northeast Regional Dogfishing Open in 1974, the first sporting event to be broadcast on the new ESPN network?
... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?

... that Oh My God! There's a Meteor Heading Towards Us? (Pictured)

... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
... that a bomb shelter is the safest place to hide explosives?
... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time?
... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun?
... that if you poke a whale in the tummy it will giggle like a schoolgirl?
... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?

... that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? (Pictured)

... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?
... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?
... You can do anything with creativity, determination, and the exploitation of the working class?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!

... the secret to good advertising is to lie? (Pictured)

... that when a grizzly bear becomes excited sexually it is known as a jizzly bear?
... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?
... that I am inside your walls?
... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to the US and her allies?

... that the classic fairy tale Hansel and Gretel was blamed for hundreds of accidental deaths involving elderly women being pushed into ovens by children? (Pictured)

... that in an experiment known as Monty Hall problem, if you never make up your mind about which door to choose, the goat behind the door will grow tired and burst out?
... that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?
... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
... that vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism?
... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?

... that no, doing this does not make your incompetence any less obvious? (Pictured)

... that Bill Cosby and Bing Crosby are the same person?
... that there is a pipe bomb placed in your mailbox?
... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?
... that contrary to popular belief, the emoticon ":3" is a depiction of someone with a scrotum for a mouth?
... that you can fry a potato but not a potatoe, according to the Potato-tomato theorem?
... that Robert Shaw won the Northeast Regional Dogfishing Open in 1974, the first sporting event to be broadcast on the new ESPN network?
... that Alaska's principle exports include snow, ice, frozen water, and permafrost?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

More HowTo's

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

More Why?

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