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Today's featured article

Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge.

Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one.

Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again!

Hold on...

Why is my hair roller in here?

Wait...

This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill?

Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault.

Just a minute...

WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...)

Recently featured:

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In the news

"USA! USA!"

Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey (Pictured); Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over

Recent deaths: Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan • McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy (if you're Gen X) or the dad from Euphoria (if you're a Millennial or Gen Z) • Melania Trump's big movie star career • Team Canada hockey, twice, AND their curling team

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

February 23: Vin Diesel Saying the Word "Family" Day

1455 - The Gutenberg Bible is first printed, God brags that he is now a published author.
1923 - Werner Heisenberg plans to describe the uncertainty principle to his peers, but is unsure if they'll like it or not.
1941 - Scientists first create Plutonium, but instead of getting cool superpowers they just get cancer and die.
1947 - The International Organization for Standardization is founded to make Americans feel insecure about the customary system.
1999 - Kurdish leader Abdullah Öcalan is sentenced to death by Turkey due to mustache jealousy.
2015 - Vin Diesel (Pictured) says the word family so many times it doesn't even sound like a word anymore.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Charles Parnell "Chuck" Norris (born March 13, 1944) is a Certified Public Accountant from Wilmington, Delaware. Norris has had an unexceptional career in accounting, and is utterly at a loss to explain why people have been making fun of him since the early 1980s.

Norris was born in the small town of Lewes, Delaware on March 13, 1944, the third of four children. His father, Ellsworth Q. Norris, worked at a warehouse where toy cars with chipped paint were stored until they could be shipped back to the manufacturer for repainting (toys with different defects were stored in a separate warehouse across the street). His mother, Pearl Norris, was known for making "the best darn tootin' apple cobbler in Lewes."

Norris was a B student, but received high marks in mathematics. At age 18, he made the bold decision to "move to the big city" of Wilmington (pop. 72,000), a decision for which his mother would gently chide him for the rest of her life. Norris found employment at the small CPA firm Lee, Gracie & Seagal, where he continues to work to this day.

In 1965, Norris married Ruth Smith, an intern at his father's warehouse. Over the next five years, the Norrises gave birth to 2.7 children (Thomas, Mary, and Cristop Norris), and acquired a small dog and some tropical fish. (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

The New Jersey Hoax, featured on 23 February 2013: Featured version
UnNews:"All Narcissists Look In A Mirror Day" celebrated, featured on 23 February 2012: Featured version
Descentiousness, featured on 23 February 2011: Featured version
HowTo:Be A Production Manager, featured on 23 February 2010: Featured version
Cardboard Box, featured on 23 February 2009: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured February 23

Picture of the day

The pill for what ails our administrators.

Image credit: RadicalX
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images

Did You Know?

... if you are right brained or left brained? (Pictured)

... that JJPMaster is a cannibal? (Pictured)

... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
... that everything will become nostalgic due to everything being worse?
... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
... that Santa sees you while you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake?
... that although the effects of alternative medicine are difficult to separate from a placebo, dumb hippies are easy to separate from their money?

... that the history of Great Britain (Pictured) is greater than Frosties?

... that NASA will one day send sharks to space?
... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
... that more people have been inside Paris Hilton, than in the Hilton in Paris?
... that if you die in Canada, you die in real life?
... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet?
... that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?
... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?

... that 45% of Japan's electrical and nuclear power is produced by manual labor? (Pictured)

... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that Crow war chieftain Old White Man was nothing like his brothers, Walks Over Eggshells and Sees No Color?
... that my dad reproduces asexually, thus making me impervious to yo momma jokes?
... that Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson's lover but Macaluey Culkin was?
... that I am inside your walls?
... that Freddie Mercury was banned in some European countries due to his extremely radioactive last name?
... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?

... that silent radio (Pictured) existed before regular radio?

... that Elon Musk plots to monetarily obtain Madagascar for the industrialization of Tesla manufacturing plants, alongside having it renamed "Mada-electric-car"?
... that Uranus is a gas giant?
... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?
... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?
... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap?
... that 98% of Americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?
... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?

... that Pigpen had a collection of over 200 various skin diseases during his childhood? (Pictured)

... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?
... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
... that goldfish are neither gold nor fish?
... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?
... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?
... that Obama's last name is [REDACTED]?
... that this sentence is incomple

... that hand transplant patients (Pictured) celebrate by masturbating?

…that it’s offensive to call them “black pencils” and we should call them “pencils of colour isntead”?
... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?
... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun?
... that if you die in Canada, you die in real life?
... that 100% of divorces start with marriage?

... that your nipples (Pictured) can fall off?

... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!
... that you should accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior, today!
... that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?
... that reading this section is a severe waste of time?
... that one person can change the world, but the admins will probably just revert it?
... that more people have been inside Paris Hilton, than in the Hilton in Paris?
... that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!

... that Cafeteria food (Pictured) is not generally edible?

... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?
... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
... that Godot isn't coming?
... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
... that there is no other word for thesaurus?
... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?

... that President Hoover (Pictured) was an actual hoover?

... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West?
... that there is no consensus among experts on vice presidential history that Al Gore exists?
... that existing is highly dangerous, and should not be performed unless you are competent enough to understand how to perform it?
... that if you die in Canada, you die in real life?
…that it’s offensive to call them “black pencils” and we should call them “pencils of colour isntead”?
... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?

... that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? (Pictured)

... that everything will become nostalgic due to everything being worse?
... that this in not a DYK entry?
... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?
... that when a grizzly bear becomes excited sexually it is known as a jizzly bear?
... that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis?
... that Iran is all set to invade itself?
... that not all of Ukraine is Russia, though Russia can't seem to tell?

... that Pope Francis (Pictured) played football for Argentina?

... that your baby boy would one day walk on water?
... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
... that a simile is like a metaphor? And hyperbole is the greatest thing ever?
... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?
... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle?
... that I'm better than this person in particular?
... that dyslexic farmers wear catflaps on their heads?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

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Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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