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Today's featured article

You feel an emptiness inside you, a deep pit in your soul that nothing man-made can fill. How many years has it been since you felt her hair running through your fingers?

None of that matters. The only thing that makes you happy now is garlic bread. You know it’s bad for your health, and you know it smells like the underpants of a sweaty Gondola rower, but you can’t help yourself.

Play game? →

Recently featured:

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In the news

World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed

Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city? • Chuck Norris doesn't fuckin' die, the hospital survived Chuck Norris • Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller

Upcoming deaths: Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

March 22: World Water Day

1621 - The Pilgrims promise the Indians that they're just peaceful settlers here to eat corn and wear lily white breeches.
1874 - Slavery is abolished in Puerto Rico, replaced with mandatory sugarcane harvest fun time.
1945 - The Arab League are formed to guarantee peace in the region for the next several minutes.
1993 - The United Nations passes a resolution to conserve fresh water (Pictured), tells Americans to shit on the floor instead of on the toilet.
2013 - My Chemical Romance disbands, Gerard Way pursues solo career, apparently.
2016 - Carl's Jr. ordered by FCC to end "sexy" ad campaign because too many viewers just want to fuck the burger.
2018 - Water bottle companies start selling diluted drain cleaner as Alkaline Water.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Joseph Conrad you say? Heh, I knew such a man once, he was, what you might call ... a Pole. Therein lies the problem you see, for he was not what might be described as a thin rounded piece of wood, perhaps adorned with a flag, perhaps not. Nor was he an extremity of an axis through a sphere. No! Begad good sir! He was a native of Poland. You see now, he was an impenetrable mystery, that Conrad - always cadging for blow too, but that's another story. Wait, no it isn't.

His early life you say? Well, 'tis presumptuous to assume I would provide you with this particular chap's tale. Yes, I may be an old seaman, but yarn spinning is not my forte good sir. No indeed, one can probably tell from my unsophisticated vernacular that I, Marlow, a man of humble origins and humble endings would have such oratory skills. But Conrad, my God man, he had eyes that could pierce a man's soul; his lips were thin and pale like eels; his very skull seemed to cry 'I am depressed!' or something of that nature.

One night he came to me in my quarters, screaming, and I quote: 'Marlow! Marlow! It is my fate that I should wander these halls like a ghost, festering away my ... genius! WHY should such a man as you presume yourself beneficiary to this ship eh? What? Speak up man!' (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Pikmin, featured on 22 March 2024: Featured version
Mosque, featured on 22 March 2021: Featured version
UnNews:Local boy helps team win championship game, featured on 22 March 2013: Featured version
Antifreeze, featured on 22 March 2012: Featured version
Xenopubes, featured on 22 March 2011: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured March 22

Picture of the day

The Bermuda Triangle strikes again!

Image credit: The Hedgehog
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images

Did You Know?

... that cabbages are not to be trifled with? (Pictured)

... that your daughter wants to be just like her mommy? (Pictured)

... that the populations of many endangered species can be increased with a simple Wikipedia edit?
... that I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never gonna keep me down?
... that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.
... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
... that 'wax-on, wax-off' doesn't help teach kids karate, but just gets your cars waxed, free of charge?
... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?
... that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?

... that the Deep-fried Mars Bar is responsible for the deaths of thousands in Scotland? (Pictured)

... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?
... that if you breed a Bulldog and a Shih Tzu; you will get a Bullshit?
... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
... that Rihanna's hit song Umbrella can cause rain to fall upwards?
... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?
... that this is why we can't have nice things?
... that torture is better to give than to receive?

... that 10 minutes of Super Bowl XLIII was mysteriously interrupted? (Pictured)

... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West?
... that the United States presidential election of 1948 saw the overwhelming defeat of then-President Harry S. Truman at the hands of Thomas Dewey, the Republican governor of New York and former partner in the law firm, Dewey, Cheatem & Howe?
... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
... that Earth has 1 sextillion grains of sand?
... that dihydrogen monoxide is a substance found in car exhaust, pesticides, acid rain, and your energy drink?
... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?

... that your nipples (Pictured) can fall off?

... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that Uncyclopedia regularly kills its editors mid-sent
... that I think you know what's happening today?
... that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
... that every single day, we breathe enough air to continue living?

... that cabbages are not to be trifled with? (Pictured)

... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
... that The Oldest Trick in the Book was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia?
... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?
... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?
... that you've just lost the game?
... that the Welsh language was created when someone fell asleep on a keyboard?

... that guilt tripping junk mail makes up 12% of Africa's GDP? (Pictured)

... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
... that the A-bombs dropped on Japan were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?
... that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?
... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?

... that Margaret Thatcher (Pictured) died thirty years too late?

... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?
... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory?
... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
... that much like your cancer-stricken Grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior?
... that Elon Musk plots to monetarily obtain Madagascar for the industrialization of Tesla manufacturing plants, alongside having it renamed "Mada-electric-car"?
... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?

... that Elvis is NOT dead? (Pictured)

... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time?
... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?
... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?
... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle?
... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?

... that Alula is a cannibal? (Pictured)

... that the admins will never approve your DYK submission nor will they read these suggestions?
... that individuals born under the sign of Gemini are often flammable and vulnerable to bear attacks?
... that you have probably broken at least three of the Ten Commandments just by visiting this website?
... that the butler did it?
... that 'wax-on, wax-off' doesn't help teach kids karate, but just gets your cars waxed, free of charge?
... that making drugs explode in your stomach is not a good way to make yourself smarter?
... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?

... that this topless woman is clearly unhappy about her situation? (Pictured)

... that more people have been inside Paris Hilton, than in the Hilton in Paris?
... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now?
... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?
... that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!
... that Joe Biden stepped in dog shit?
... that NASA will one day send sharks to space?
... that in 2007 the Department of Homeland Security released a series of informative pamphlets on surviving a terrorist attack?

... cluck gawk cluck cluck cluck cluck bock bock cluck cluck B`gawk? (Pictured)

... that I am inside your walls?
... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
... that half of all American schoolchildren graduate in the bottom 50% of their class?
... that your opinion does count, but the admins think otherwise?
... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

More HowTo's

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

More Why?

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UnScripts
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UnReviews
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