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Today's featured article
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Come here little grandson, and pull up a chair, ol' grandpa has to say something to you. What story am I going to be telling this time? Hah ha, no story tonight, Jimmy, I'm going to lecture you on something very important. It's time to learn about a little subject called filial piety. Don't start fussing now, it's a very important subject to learn about when squirts like you start to grow up.

I was just about to get into that, Jimmy. Filial piety is a simple enough concept, often embraced by popular religions such as Confucianism and Christianity. Now, you're Christian but you don't know what filial piety is, right? That's because the heads of your religion decided to muck up the phrase and replace it with a simplistic platitude such as "love your mom and pop". But I digress, I'll talk to you about religion some other day. (Full article...)

In the news
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Too bad you can't customize this in the original.

Ongoing: Eurovision Green Room in danger of sexual harassment • The wait for GTA VI and Spaceballs 2 • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • New England Patriots fans being insufferable like it's 2016 • r/TheDarnold having a field day • ICE-y chaos in Minnesota • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics

Recent deaths: The MetroCard • Stranger Things • the other Black guy from John Carpenter's The Thing • Bob Weir • Scott Adams • Kianna Underwood • Buffalo Bills', San Francisco 49ers', Houston Texans' and Da Bears' seasons • Bo Nix's ankle • Sean McDermott's Bills tenure • Denver Broncos' and Los Angeles Rams' seasons • Uncyclopedia • Catherine O'Hara • Lamont • Brad Arnold

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!!

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce

On this day in history
This is worse than a buffalo's diarrhea!

February 9: International Tourette's Day

Featured biography
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Sam "I won that debate against Chomsky" Harris is a bear of a man, with a mind of unparalleled genius, whose august presence on the internet makes The Discourse that much more civil and rational and smart. Sam Harris is best known for never losing an argument online, and solving all of the philosophy using logic and facts. Before Sam Harris published his book The End of Faith in 2004, no one had thought to use rationality and reason to explore philosophical ideas: philosophy hitherto Sam Harris was made up mostly of pussy God lovers like Søren Kierkegaard who believed in fairy tales because they weren't rational and logical and right about stuff like Sam Harris is.

Today Sam Harris has become a light, shining effervescent in a world dimmed by the evils of Islam and people who disagree with me. Sam Harris has written many books, very long books with little to no pictures, filled with great ideas. Sam Harris has appeared in the prestigious TED talks, where he speaks in a suave and bookish monotone, dispensing his wisdom the way a sprinkler dispenses the succulent water to the hungry hungry grass. Harris has also founded the "Nuke the Muslims until their bones are glass" school of moral philosophy.

Sam Harris was born into this reality like any other rational thinker: pale, wrinkling, writhing, and beaming with potential. He emerged from the flesh cocoon of womanhood into a world chained by anti-intellectualism and its heralds, who are called priests or imams (but mostly imams). (Full article...)

Picture of the day
Gandhi - First Blood Part 1
 M. K. Gandhi (Sylvester Stallone) is a former member of an elite United States Army Special Forces unit, and was awarded a Medal of Honor for his service in the Zulu War. Gandhi - First Blood tells the tale of his reintergration into society as well as his involvement within the Indian independence movement. A touching and heartfelt movie for all the family.

Image credit: Mhaille
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Did You Know?
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  • ... that the Washington Niggers (Pictured) are set to change their name?
  • ... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?
  • ... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
  • ... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does?
  • ... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
  • ... that you just lost the Game?
  • ... that dihydrogen monoxide is a substance found in car exhaust, pesticides, acid rain, and your energy drink?
  • ... that although the effects of alternative medicine are difficult to separate from a placebo, dumb hippies are easy to separate from their money?
  • ... that sheep shrink when it rains?
  • ... that if you poke a whale in the tummy it will giggle like a schoolgirl?
  • ... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
  • ... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside?
Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

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The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

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The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

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Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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