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Today's featured article

Edward Christopher "Ed" [insert singular 3rd person subjective pronoun]eran (born 17 February 1991 - died NEVER) is a Canadian-British singer-songwriter, actor, owner of a bar in London, and Rupert Grint lookalike. He is also known as "Teddy" on Instagram. Additionally, he is considered to be the "one true god" of his home country, and even the entire world. Asides from that, he's known to the public as the "Ginger Jesus". Ed is arguably a fad of the year 2017 and also a British nationalist. Even though his career was meant to fade away at the end of the 2010s, he manages to still make music to this day, much to everyone's annoyances. He is known to have a lot of chart hits, especially in the UK, including "The B Team", "Untitled (Take Me Into Your Loving Arms)", "Nothing Happens After Two" and most infamously, "I'm Back & I'm Desperate". However, they are most likely plagiarized, but he still gets away with it. His private life isn't very well known, thanks to having no surveillance cameras in his home and the fact that the address to it is changed every day. Despite having a male given name, Ed somehow manages to have female pronouns as part of his surname, so, logically, he would've instantly became a "she" right away. Oh fuck, how do we go by them again? (Full article...)

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In the news

1977-2026

US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez
Buffalo Bills owner Terry Pegula proven to be clueless, fires the wrong guy
Denver Broncos quarterback Bo Nix accidentally curses himself in playoff win

Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over

Recent deaths: ~~Uncyclopedia~~ • Catherine O'Hara • Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) (Pictured) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

February 17: Sheeranist New Year (United Kingdom)

1991 - Famed British musician Ed Sheeran is born. Brits rejoice that their Messiah is finally with them.
1996 - Gary Kasparov loses a game of chess to a computer, like that's never happened to anyone before.
2008 - USA bombs some country after the military finds a few extra bombs hiding in an old pair of pants.
2017 - Denmark is officially recognized as a mistake and erased from history.
2026 - You finally forget about your miserable Valentine's Day, only to be tormented by this reminder.

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Featured biography

Joseph Conrad you say? Heh, I knew such a man once, he was, what you might call ... a Pole. Therein lies the problem you see, for he was not what might be described as a thin rounded piece of wood, perhaps adorned with a flag, perhaps not. Nor was he an extremity of an axis through a sphere. No! Begad good sir! He was a native of Poland. You see now, he was an impenetrable mystery, that Conrad - always cadging for blow too, but that's another story. Wait, no it isn't.

His early life you say? Well, 'tis presumptuous to assume I would provide you with this particular chap's tale. Yes, I may be an old seaman, but yarn spinning is not my forte good sir. No indeed, one can probably tell from my unsophisticated vernacular that I, Marlow, a man of humble origins and humble endings would have such oratory skills. But Conrad, my God man, he had eyes that could pierce a man's soul; his lips were thin and pale like eels; his very skull seemed to cry 'I am depressed!' or something of that nature.

One night he came to me in my quarters, screaming, and I quote: 'Marlow! Marlow! It is my fate that I should wander these halls like a ghost, festering away my ... genius! WHY should such a man as you presume yourself beneficiary to this ship eh? What? Speak up man!' (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

UnNews:David Pecker picked a pic of Bezos's pecker, featured on 17 February 2019: Featured version
Saw, featured on 17 February 2013: Featured version
Anna Kournikova, featured on 17 February 2012: Featured version
Lionel Richie Ceiling Dance Conspiracy Theory, featured on 17 February 2011: Featured version
HowTo:Change a Spare Tire, featured on 17 February 2010: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured February 17

Picture of the day

The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it.

Image credit: Serge Billault
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Did You Know?

... that playing Dungeons & Dragons has caused many teenagers to loose their grip on reality? (Pictured)

... that male and female giraffes have been banned from living together in the New York City Zoo since 1975? (Pictured)

... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
... that existing is highly dangerous, and should not be performed unless you are competent enough to understand how to perform it?
... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?
... that if you say peacock, no one bats an eye, but if you say poop cock, everyone blows their minds?
... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?
... that you've just lost the game?

... that 45% of Japan's electrical and nuclear power is produced by manual labor? (Pictured)

... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?
... that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal?
... that the handgun is one of the most pitiful guns you can find, seeing as it's part of your hand?
... that there's a tunnel under Ocean Blvd?
... that school is an asylum where they mentally and physically abuse you for seven cruel hours, all with your parents' approval?
... that The Oldest Trick in the Book was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia?
... that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio?

... that former Australian prime minister John Howard once spent over 48 hours in session with his cabinet? (Pictured)

... that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio?
... that Bill Cosby and Bing Crosby are the same person?
... that pillow fighting is a violent trend among the world's pillow population, and must be stopped?
... that Elon Musk plots to monetarily obtain Madagascar for the industrialization of Tesla manufacturing plants, alongside having it renamed "Mada-electric-car"?
... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?
... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle?

... that Pope Francis (Pictured) played football for Argentina?

... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?
... Donald Trump? More like... Donald Gay! Hah, gottem!
... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?
... that a Pie Chart is the most delicious way of visually conveying information?
... that applause was invented to mock the deaf?
... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
... that Uncyclopedia admins are such lazy bums, they ask their users to think of DYK submissions?

... that Cafeteria food (Pictured) is not generally edible?

... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior?
... that to the untrained ear, John Aglethorpe's Ode to the Monotony of Life may simply sound like one continuous, monotonous tone, but the song is actually composed mostly of alterations between the A sharp and B flat notes tied together?
... that wearing a Top Hat is not only a sound fashion choice, it gives you somewhere to hide candy?
... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?
... that 100% of people who are rushed to the hospital will die?
... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
... that if we lose cabin pressure, masks will drop from just above your head? I always get the Richard Nixon mask!

... that Vladimir Putin's warm and paternal gaze can cure cancer?

... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
... that applause was invented to mock the deaf?
... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?
... that if you say peacock, no one bats an eye, but if you say poop cock, everyone blows their minds?
... that Calvin and Hobbes was an action-packed buddy comedy series that ran from 1542-1549, featuring philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes as themselves?
... that the butler did it?
... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?

... that tickle fights are a common occurrence in soccer? (Pictured)

... that every time you fall asleep, you die?
... that the packets of silica gel that say "DO NOT EAT" are actually delicious?
... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?
... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that the handgun is one of the most pitiful guns you can find, seeing as it's part of your hand?
... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?
... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?

... that my English teacher is gay? (Pictured)

...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?
... that making a band usually involves frantically begging family and strangers to join?
... that my dad reproduces asexually, thus making me impervious to yo momma jokes?
... that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?
... that I think you know what's happening today?
... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?
... that on 17 June 2007, Britain was mercilessly hit by an attack of 'falling water'?

... that the Deep-fried Mars Bar is responsible for the deaths of thousands in Scotland? (Pictured)

... that at some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser?
... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?
... that you have probably broken at least three of the Ten Commandments just by visiting this website?
... that cutting off your hands, nose, and head reduces the spread of germs by 100%?
... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?
... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"

... that Nelson Mandela (Pictured) was a cunt?

... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?
... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual?
... that 98% of Americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?
... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
... that testicles are edible and a good source of protein?

... that the Gay Agenda is out to get you? (Pictured)

... that when it says "Do not try at home", it actually means "Do not try this at all"?
... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.
... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?
... that bestiality just got 15 percent more legal?
... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?
... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?
... that torture is better to give than to receive?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

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Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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