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Today's featured article

Mathematics (from Greek άθημα máthēma, “knowledge, study, learning”) is the systematic torture of students disguised as the study of quantity, structure, space, and change. Mathematicians seek out patterns and formulate new conjectures, trying to make sense of the universe by examining these abstract concepts, determining common traits, and then experimenting to see if this advanced knowledge will help them get women into bed. These conjectures are often faulty, and this subsequent failure is referred to as mathematical proof.

Galileo Galilei (1564–1642) said, "The universe cannot be read until we have learned the language and become familiar with the characters in which it is written. It is written in mathematical language... Without these, one is wandering about in a dark labyrinth". He was also condemned by the church for heresy, and the only surviving body part of his is his middle finger on his right hand. This is currently kept at the Museo Galileo in Florence, Italy, allowing him to give the finger to the Catholic Church from beyond the grave. (Full article...)

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In the news

Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd.

World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports

Recent deaths: Xander Harris • Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • DMV-based sitcom canned after people realize they can watch literally anything else • Mr. Strickland

Upcoming deaths: Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts • Sora

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

March 29: National Treason Day

30 AD - Judas Iscariot betrays his best friend Jesus for a Coke, gets a Pepsi from the Sanhedrin instead. Heartbroken, he hangs himself.
1792 - King Gustav III of Sweden is assassinated when conspirators remove the structural dowels in his HATTEFJÄLL office chair.
1847 - American troops sack the Mexican city of Veracruz, steal the secrets of the fish taco from its denizens.
1857 - Indian Sepoys mutiny against the British after being forced to endure their take on Indian cuisine.
1951 - Julius and Ethel Rosenberg are arrested for giving the Soviet Union secrets of the nuclear family.
1973 - William Calley, U.S. Army officer responsible for the My Lai Massacre, is given numerous high-fives for his "epic" K/D ratio.
2019 - The United Kingdom leaves the EU, as per the deal, the entire British Isles will be towed into the Bermuda Triangle.

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Featured biography

Sylvia Plath was a suicidally-depressed female poet. She is generally considered to be one of the best writers to work within the suicidally-depressed-female genre, having written several classics of depressing female literature, including the poetry collections Ariel and The Colossus and the novel The Bell Jar.

Since her suicide at the tender age of 30, Plath has grown to become a feminist icon; often perceived as a female genius who struggled within a patriarchy that dismissed her literary expression and sought to demean her as a sex object. She is was also a hottie.

Plath was born, quite aptly, during the Great Depression. As she said in her poem The Suicide Cloud: "for me, the Great Depression never ended". Her mother was a teacher of English, while her father was a bee enthusiast who made his name by writing two books about bees. Apparently he couldn't say everything he wanted to with just one book about bees. Plath's parents were clearly huge influences on her for the rest of her life, and from a very young age she became dedicated to poetry - poetry that contained a frankly baffling multitude of references to bees. (Full article...)

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Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Mona Lisa, featured on 29 March 2021: Featured version
UnDebate:Is gun control necessary?, featured on 29 March 2013: Featured version
Mathematics, featured on 29 March 2012: Featured version
HowTo:Be a Troll, featured on 29 March 2011: Featured version
Kurdish Military Industries, featured on 29 March 2010: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured March 29

Picture of the day

This film is brought to you by The Number Eight: The number of muppets it takes to save one.

Image credit: Sonje
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Did You Know?

... that Japanese ninjas are among those who have tried to find a way to get across the Great Wall of China? (Pictured)

... that the entire army of Liechtenstein consists of 3 soldiers? (Pictured)

... that sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from science?
... that half of all American schoolchildren graduate in the bottom 50% of their class?
... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?
... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
... you're so fat, that if you don't stop, within a month you're gonna have a heart attack or stroke?
... that when a grizzly bear becomes excited sexually it is known as a jizzly bear?
... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions?

... that Wikipedia contains millions of articles written by countless anonymous contributors? (Pictured)

... that the only cure for the hiccups is an orgasm?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time?
... that to the untrained ear, John Aglethorpe's Ode to the Monotony of Life may simply sound like one continuous, monotonous tone, but the song is actually composed mostly of alterations between the A sharp and B flat notes tied together?
... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
... that if we lose cabin pressure, masks will drop from just above your head? I always get the Richard Nixon mask!
... that the A-bombs dropped on Japan were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?

... that hand transplant patients (Pictured) celebrate by masturbating?

... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?
... that a Pie Chart is the most delicious way of visually conveying information?
... that Africa's space program has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
... that cutting off your hands, nose, and head reduces the spread of germs by 100%?
... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?
... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?
... that the Canadian government plans to convert the entire city of Vancouver into a giant marijuana farm by 2050?

... that there was more then one model for the Mona Lisa? (Pictured)

... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?
... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
... that NASA will one day send sharks to space?
... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?
... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?

... that the entire army of Liechtenstein consists of 3 soldiers? (Pictured)

... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?
... that someone reading Uncyclopedia has an erection right now, even though we barely have pornographic content?
... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?
... that applause was invented to mock the deaf?
... that reading this DYK suggestion just wasted 10 seconds of your life?
... that you just lost the Game?
... that sheep shrink when it rains?

... I could absolutely kill for something to eat right now? (Pictured)

... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
... that there is no other word for thesaurus?
... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?
... that Africa's space program has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
... that Joe Biden stepped in dog shit?
... that half of all American schoolchildren graduate in the bottom 50% of their class?
... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?

... that Japanese ninjas are among those who have tried to find a way to get across the Great Wall of China? (Pictured)

... that sheep shrink when it rains?
... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... that Jimmy Mozzarella is pissing in your closet?
... that the A-bombs dropped on Japan were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?
... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
... that every time you fall asleep, you die?
... that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?

... that the Royal Pointless Military Things Tournament was founded by the Duke of York? (Pictured)

... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun?
... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?
... that nobody asked?
... that there's a tunnel under Ocean Blvd?
... that Iran is all set to invade itself?
... that making a band usually involves frantically begging family and strangers to join?
... that Calvin and Hobbes was an action-packed buddy comedy series that ran from 1542-1549, featuring philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes as themselves?

... that there was more then one model for the Mona Lisa? (Pictured)

... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?
... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
... that bestiality just got 15 percent more legal?
... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?
... that cutting off your hands, nose, and head reduces the spread of germs by 100%?
... that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Bros. movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?

... that Gerry Adams IS the Lord of the Dance? (Pictured)

... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?
... that more people have been inside Paris Hilton, than in the Hilton in Paris?
... that in an experiment known as Monty Hall problem, if you never make up your mind about which door to choose, the goat behind the door will grow tired and burst out?
... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
... that Wikipedia features DYKs about mosaic floors that were discovered between 1932 and 1939?
... that half of all American schoolchildren graduate in the bottom 50% of their class?
... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?

... that Joseph Stalin (Pictured) is the the real Man of Steel?

... that in an experiment known as Monty Hall problem, if you never make up your mind about which door to choose, the goat behind the door will grow tired and burst out?
... that this is just a distraction while we take your car?
... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?
... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around?
... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
... that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
... that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one?

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Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

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Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

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Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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