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Today's featured article

Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge.

Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one.

Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again!

Hold on...

Why is my hair roller in here?

Wait...

This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill?

Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault.

Just a minute...

WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...)

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In the news

CHJpdmF0ZS9sci9pbWFnZXMvd2Vic2l0ZS8yMDIyLTA1L2xvY2dvdHRsaWViMTI1MDEtaW1hZ2UuanBn.jpg

"Come! Come support my tacky AI website!"

Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (Pictured; this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over

Recent deaths: Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan • McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy (if you're Gen X) or the dad from Euphoria (if you're a Millennial or Gen Z)

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

Pictured: Your taste in music/television/everything.

February 20: Hot Garbage Day

1792 - The Postal Service is first established, celebration ceremony is accidentally rerouted to San Francisco, Spanish California.
1872 - After some harsh wind, the Metropolitan Museum of Art opens its first exhibit, a giant pile of toppled over ceiling scaffolding.
1877 - Russian ballet Swan Lake is received poorly by critics after show swans descend into the audience and peck their eyes out.
1935 - The first woman to set foot in Antarctica wonders what all the fuss was about.
1986 - The Soviet Union launches the space station Mir, cosmonauts test whether communism can work in outer space.
2016 - A man in Schenectady, New York is the first person to describe someone's opinion as "hot garbage" (Pictured), is given medal for ruining English.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Alexander Hamilton (January 11, 1755 or 1757 – July 12, 1804) was the first (and last) United States Secretary of the Treasury to be killed in a duel. He was also one of the Founding Fathers of the United States, a lawyer and street judge, and a slave-owner. An all-around good guy.

As butler to General George Washington during the War of Colonial Aggression against Great Britain, Hamilton called for a new Constitution. He wrote, like, almost all of the Federalist Papers, a primary source for Constitutional repression. He was opposed by other Founding Fathers, namely all of the ones who didn't like uppity, philandering bastards.

Today, Hamilton is on the U.S. $10 bill, a testament to America's appreciation for adulterous dueling bastards who are good with fiscal policy.

Hamilton was born in Jamaica, the son of Samuel Hamilton, captain of the colonial island's bobsled team. Hamilton's mother was a 'ho and it was widely known that Hamilton was born out of wedlock, a good old-fashioned bastard in the purest possible sense. He spent his childhood days polishing his father's bobsled blades and the nobs of other bobsled teammates. His hobbies included printing his own money on palm leaves and then being lashed viciously by his father, who was also the local vicar, for counterfeiting. (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Lincoln Logs, featured on 20 February 2019: Featured version
Pierre Curie, featured on 20 February 2012: Featured version
BabyTV, featured on 20 February 2011: Featured version
Jewish cuisine, featured on 20 February 2010: Featured version
Printer ink, featured on 20 February 2009: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured February 20

Picture of the day

George W. Bush, shown searching for 'Iraqian' WMDs during playtime at the White House.

Image credit: Strange but untrue
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Did You Know?

... that the WWF is the only "sports entertainment" organization endorsed by PETA and Greenpeace? (Pictured)

... that I started drowning two minutes before typing this? (Pictured)

... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual?
... that making drugs explode in your stomach is not a good way to make yourself smarter?
... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
... that Africa's space program has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
... that although the effects of alternative medicine are difficult to separate from a placebo, dumb hippies are easy to separate from their money?
... that school is an asylum where they mentally and physically abuse you for seven cruel hours, all with your parents' approval?
... Nautical knots are not knots that can be knotted into knots (most likely not)?

... that Canadian baseball (Pictured) is a thing?

... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
... that the White House is really off-white?
... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
... that not all πr². There are also many π that r rounded?
... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?
... that to the untrained ear, John Aglethorpe's Ode to the Monotony of Life may simply sound like one continuous, monotonous tone, but the song is actually composed mostly of alterations between the A sharp and B flat notes tied together?

... if you are right brained or left brained? (Pictured)

... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?
... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
... that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
... that in Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to children and molest them with?

... that it's a surprisingly simple process to starting your own religion? (Pictured)

... that you should invest in chicken stock?
... about Alliteration articulating an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accouterments as alarmingly asinine alignments?
... that a Pie Chart is the most delicious way of visually conveying information?
... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
... that gender is a scam invented in 1825 to sell more bathrooms?
... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
... that you actually didn't know?

... that the Angel of Death is after you? (Pictured)

... that this is just a distraction while we take your car?
... that you've just lost the game?
... that the only way the bible could have more holes is if it were written on Jesus's skin?
... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?
... that bestiality just got 15 percent more legal?
... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
... that Martin Van Buren is a total dick and nobody likes him?

... that "crack" is the hood's most effective diet pill? (Pictured)

... that you've just lost the game?
... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.
... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?
... that the A-bombs dropped on Japan were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?
... that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?
... that your opinion does count, but the admins think otherwise?
... that creating an account comes with a 50% higher chance of leaving of Uncycloland alive?

... that solar flares are actually maritime distress signals launched by astronauts floating in the Sun's vast oceans? (Pictured)

... that... uh, shit, I forgot what I was gonna say.
... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside?
... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?
... that a bomb shelter is the safest place to hide explosives?
... that the keyboard you have been using has more germs than your toilet seat?
... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?
... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?

... that Vladimir Putin's warm and paternal gaze can cure cancer?

... that Crow war chieftain Old White Man was nothing like his brothers, Walks Over Eggshells and Sees No Color?
... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?
... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet?
... that Iran is all set to invade itself?
... that the Welsh language was created when someone fell asleep on a keyboard?
... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?
... that 100% of divorces start with marriage?

... that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? (Pictured)

...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?
... that creating an account comes with a 50% higher chance of leaving of Uncycloland alive?
... that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!
... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?
... that my mom's name is also Martha?

... that you can meet all sorts of interesting people when you're drunk? (Pictured)

... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
... that I think you know what's happening today?
... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know.
... that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal?
... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
... that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?
... that existing is highly dangerous, and should not be performed unless you are competent enough to understand how to perform it?

... that cabbages are not to be trifled with? (Pictured)

... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
... that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
... that I'm better than this person in particular?
... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
... that I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It was written by a computer?
... that vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

More HowTo's

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

More Why?

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