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Today's featured article

Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge.

Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one.

Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again!

Hold on...

Why is my hair roller in here?

Wait...

This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill?

Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault.

Just a minute...

WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...)

Recently featured:

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In the news

1977-2026

US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez
Buffalo Bills owner Terry Pegula proven to be clueless, fires the wrong guy
Denver Broncos quarterback Bo Nix accidentally curses himself in playoff win

Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over

Recent deaths: Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) (Pictured) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

Alt + F4 deletes your browser history, try it.

February 19: Alt + F4 Day

1600 - A volcano explodes in Peru. It's a good first line for a limerick, I guess.
1807 - Aaron Burr, former Vice President and guy who shot Alexander Hamilton, is imprisoned for treason; Burr is released following a quadruple rhyming triplet and an emotionally resonant leitmotif allusion.
1846 - The State Government of Texas is officially established in Austin, its first act: Mexican food sold within the state must include at least 200% recommended cheese intake.
1915 - World War I: The first attack on the Ottomans commences as the Australians attack the shoreline with drop bear reinforcements.
1949 - Ezra Pound decides that poetry is the perfect medium for his antisemitism, mostly because Jew can be rhymed with so many other words.
1954 - The Soviet Union transfers Crimea from Russian land to Ukraine, which will cause absolutely no problems in future.
1985 - EastEnders stars airing in the UK, causing more Brits to be visibly depressed.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Sylvia Plath was a suicidally-depressed female poet. She is generally considered to be one of the best writers to work within the suicidally-depressed-female genre, having written several classics of depressing female literature, including the poetry collections Ariel and The Colossus and the novel The Bell Jar.

Since her suicide at the tender age of 30, Plath has grown to become a feminist icon; often perceived as a female genius who struggled within a patriarchy that dismissed her literary expression and sought to demean her as a sex object. She is was also a hottie.

Plath was born, quite aptly, during the Great Depression. As she said in her poem The Suicide Cloud: "for me, the Great Depression never ended". Her mother was a teacher of English, while her father was a bee enthusiast who made his name by writing two books about bees. Apparently he couldn't say everything he wanted to with just one book about bees. Plath's parents were clearly huge influences on her for the rest of her life, and from a very young age she became dedicated to poetry - poetry that contained a frankly baffling multitude of references to bees. (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

', featured on 19 February 2023: Featured version
UnBooks:Biography: The guy who invented soap, featured on 19 February 2013: Featured version
God's userpage, featured on 19 February 2012: Featured version
Pearl necklace, featured on 19 February 2011: Featured version
HowTo:Get hold of a Number Six Cylon, featured on 19 February 2010: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured February 19

Picture of the day

GI Jew: The Movie is a 2006 remake of the classic Torah! Torah! Torah! of 1967 fame. The remake underwent many names before GI Jew was chosen, including Hebrews with Hutzpah and Israel is Real.

Image credit: RadicalX
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images

Did You Know?

... that tickle fights are a common occurrence in soccer? (Pictured)

... that ‪Captain Autofellatio (Pictured) often gets distracted from crime-fighting?

... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
... that Earth, Wind & Fire have produced a multi-season autobiography?
…that it’s offensive to call them “black pencils” and we should call them “pencils of colour isntead”?
... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?
... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
... that I'm better than this person in particular?

... that 9/11 (Pictured) was an outside job?

... that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Bros. movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?
... that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.
... that Joe Biden stepped in dog shit?
... that Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson's lover but Macaluey Culkin was?
... that Wikipedia features DYKs about mosaic floors that were discovered between 1932 and 1939?
... that applause was invented to mock the deaf?
... that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?

... that Big Bird was the guest of honor on a special Thanksgiving episode of Sesame Street? (Pictured)

... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
... that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?
... that the only way the bible could have more holes is if it were written on Jesus's skin?
... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?
... that Earth is the best planet in the world?
... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?
... that Crow war chieftain Old White Man was nothing like his brothers, Walks Over Eggshells and Sees No Color?

... that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (Pictured)

... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay?
... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!
... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
... that Godot isn't coming?
... that if you die in Canada, you die in real life?

... that Joseph Stalin (Pictured) is the the real Man of Steel?

... that in 2007 the Department of Homeland Security released a series of informative pamphlets on surviving a terrorist attack?
... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really.
... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular?
... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?

... that the WWF is the only "sports entertainment" organization endorsed by PETA and Greenpeace? (Pictured)

... that you should accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior, today!
... that 100% of people who are rushed to the hospital will die?
... that nobody asked?
... that sheep shrink when it rains?
... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
... that I let the dogs out, and you can't do a goddamn thing about it?
... that the populations of many endangered species can be increased with a simple Wikipedia edit?

... that in China, there is no MySpace, but a communist alternative? (Pictured)

... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?
... that Uncyclopedia regularly kills its editors mid-sent
... that Bill Cosby and Bing Crosby are the same person?
... that Elon Musk plots to monetarily obtain Madagascar for the industrialization of Tesla manufacturing plants, alongside having it renamed "Mada-electric-car"?
... that the only way the bible could have more holes is if it were written on Jesus's skin?
... that Liechtenstein is completely pointless?
... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now?

... if you are right brained or left brained? (Pictured)

... that Obama's last name is [REDACTED]?
... that someone reading Uncyclopedia has an erection right now, even though we barely have pornographic content?
... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
... that in 1933, the US Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?
... that gender is a scam invented in 1825 to sell more bathrooms?
... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
... that when it says "Do not try at home", it actually means "Do not try this at all"?

... that the classic fairy tale Hansel and Gretel was blamed for hundreds of accidental deaths involving elderly women being pushed into ovens by children? (Pictured)

... that the sound of a kitten falling into a wood chipper is still more pleasant than listening to Kidz Bop?
... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?
... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?
... that cutting off your hands, nose, and head reduces the spread of germs by 100%?
... that I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never gonna keep me down?
... that a camel's boobies are on its back?

... that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? (Pictured)

... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?
... that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?
... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?
... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?
... that there is a pipe bomb placed in your mailbox?
... that if you breed a Bulldog and a Shih Tzu; you will get a Bullshit?

... that the history of Great Britain (Pictured) is greater than Frosties?

... that Bill Cosby and Bing Crosby are the same person?
... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet?
... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?
... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?
... that Stan Lee originally conceived the X-Men as a group of post-op transgenders?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

More HowTo's

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

More Why?

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