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Today's featured article

A Civil War is a form of warfare known for its kindness and civility, in stark contrast to the other tactics such as scorched earth which are entirely too dirty for upstanding gentlemen. Civil warfare is a strategy that has outlasted many minor fads in warfare such as Germany's Blitzkrieg Bop, the British Redcoat's Stand In a Line and Shoot or the French Foreign Legion's Surrender. Its longevity as a tactic can probably be attributed to a few things, namely the incompetence of modern military tacticians compared to those of the past and the universal human need for cordial smiles and small talk, even during battle.

Civil wars are defined by a few chief characteristics. The Blitzkrieg Bop, for instance, was famous for its angular guitar rhythms and use of armor and dive-bombers to spearhead a motorized assault straight through the heart of an opposing force. Civil War, however, is based on these precepts: (Full article...)

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In the news

1977-2026

US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez
Buffalo Bills owner Terry Pegula proven to be clueless, fires the wrong guy
Denver Broncos quarterback Bo Nix accidentally curses himself in playoff win

Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over

Recent deaths: Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) (Pictured) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?)

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

February 18: Penis Day (Tonga)

4000 BC - Men discover their hands reach down to their genitals, and there is peace for three thousand years before they get bored and start killing each other with pointy sticks.
1791 - American imperialists "liberate" the state of Vermont because of its vast maple syrup reserves.
1861 - Jefferson Davis is declared president of the Confederacy after saying the "hard R" N-word fifty times in only six seconds.
1885 - Mark Twain's Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is published, its numerous grammatical errors are labelled by the publisher as a regional dialect.
1970 - The Chicago Seven are found guilty of being dirty commie hippies who might as well be guilty.
2010 - WikiLeaks publishes hundreds of thousands of classified documents revealing exactly where the U.S. keeps its nudes.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Sam "I won that debate against Chomsky" Harris is a bear of a man, with a mind of unparalleled genius, whose august presence on the internet makes The Discourse that much more civil and rational and smart. Sam Harris is best known for never losing an argument online, and solving all of the philosophy using logic and facts. Before Sam Harris published his book The End of Faith in 2004, no one had thought to use rationality and reason to explore philosophical ideas: philosophy hitherto Sam Harris was made up mostly of pussy God lovers like Søren Kierkegaard who believed in fairy tales because they weren't rational and logical and right about stuff like Sam Harris is.

Today Sam Harris has become a light, shining effervescent in a world dimmed by the evils of Islam and people who disagree with me. Sam Harris has written many books, very long books with little to no pictures, filled with great ideas. Sam Harris has appeared in the prestigious TED talks, where he speaks in a suave and bookish monotone, dispensing his wisdom the way a sprinkler dispenses the succulent water to the hungry hungry grass. Harris has also founded the "Nuke the Muslims until their bones are glass" school of moral philosophy.

Sam Harris was born into this reality like any other rational thinker: pale, wrinkling, writhing, and beaming with potential. He emerged from the flesh cocoon of womanhood into a world chained by anti-intellectualism and its heralds, who are called priests or imams (but mostly imams). (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Inter-Lights Inc, featured on 18 February 2012: Featured version
First Lunar-American War, featured on 18 February 2011: Featured version
HowTo:Smuggle a snow globe, featured on 18 February 2010: Featured version
Drill sergeant, featured on 18 February 2009: Featured version
Truthful Vending GmbH, featured on 18 February 2008: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured February 18

Picture of the day

Unfortunately, despite traditional farmers' resilience across the ages, the "American Gothic" lifestyle just isn't what it used to be.

Image credit: Splaka
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images

Did You Know?

... that liberals want to eat your children? (Pictured)

... that What's-his-name off that thing (Pictured) was in that film with that other dude?

... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?
... that reading this section is a severe waste of time?
... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?
... that you should invest in chicken stock?
... that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio?
... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
... that there is a pipe bomb placed in your mailbox?

... that grave robbing accounts for 1/3 of the average Romanian yearly income? (Pictured)

... that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!
... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?
... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now?
... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
... that there is no other word for thesaurus?
... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?

... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured)

... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?
... that you can fry a potato but not a potatoe, according to the Potato-tomato theorem?
... that in an experiment known as Monty Hall problem, if you never make up your mind about which door to choose, the goat behind the door will grow tired and burst out?
... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
... that while most Popes don't shit in the woods, sometimes bears are Catholic?
... that this sentence is incomple

... that the "special ingredient" for Wendy's chili is a closely guarded secret? (Pictured)

... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?
... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
... that school is an asylum where they mentally and physically abuse you for seven cruel hours, all with your parents' approval?
... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?
... that the largest collection of human bullshit is located in the United States Congress?
... that if we lose cabin pressure, masks will drop from just above your head? I always get the Richard Nixon mask!
... that Godot isn't coming?

... that guilt tripping junk mail makes up 12% of Africa's GDP? (Pictured)

... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay?
... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?
... that 100% of divorces start with marriage?
... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
... that your opinion does count, but the admins think otherwise?
... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?

... that I'm secretly looking for Nazi Gold right now? (Pictured)

... that virgins are actually alien beings with zero sex organs, and reproduce via telekinesis?
... that the bird is equal to or greater than the word?
... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
... that Rihanna's hit song Umbrella can cause rain to fall upwards?
... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?
... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?

... that the man on the left is admiring the bare torso of the man on the right in a purely non-sexual manner? (Pictured)

... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins? But all of them are wiki editors?
... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?
... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?
... that Bill Cosby and Bing Crosby are the same person?
... that in an experiment known as Monty Hall problem, if you never make up your mind about which door to choose, the goat behind the door will grow tired and burst out?
... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"?

... that 9/11 (Pictured) was an outside job?

... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?
... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?
... the muffin man?
... that the admins will never approve your DYK submission nor will they read these suggestions?

... I burning your dog? (Pictured)

... that Michael Jackson should have had more apples to keep his doctor away?
... that I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It was written by a computer?
... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?
... that this is why we can't have nice things?
... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?

... that the history of Great Britain (Pictured) is greater than Frosties?

... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
... that rounding up sheep is easiest to the nearest ten?
... that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal?
... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks?
... that the square root of 69 is 8 something?
... that Freddie Mercury was banned in some European countries due to his extremely radioactive last name?

... that 9/11 (Pictured) was an outside job?

... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke?
... that sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from science?
... that cutting off your hands, nose, and head reduces the spread of germs by 100%?
... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?
... that Godot isn't coming?
... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

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Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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