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Today's featured article

Reformed Orthodox Rabbi William "Bill" Clinton (born August 19, 1946) is an American politician, former childcare worker, former amateur saxophonist, and swingin' bachelor. As the 42nd President of the United States, and the horniest man to hold that position since JFK, he led America through the economic golden age of the '90s.

Clinton is famous for being the first president to institute the Opposite Presidential Term, in which everything he said during his second term is the exact opposite of what he said in his first term. In his first term, he was a Liberal, but in his second term, he was a Neocon; that was his way of bringing about change.

Clinton's term in office was marred by economic and political reform. The most serious was some bitch named Hillary, who kept insisting she was his wife and had actually slept with him. This was widely ignored by everyone until it was revealed that Bill had been secretly cheating on the First Lady with Hillary, in a perverse affair that culminated in a media frenzy. (Full article...)

Recently featured:

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In the news

Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd.

World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • March Madness Final Four

Recent deaths: Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • Mr. Strickland • C.B. Buckner's carreer as an MLB ump • Duke's basketball season • Jesus

Upcoming deaths: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • Sora • Tiger Woods' driver's license and career.. fuck it, his life can go too • Holostars JP

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

The Rite of Spring, you had to read the alt text to get it didn't you

April 3: Vivaldi Appreciation Day

1220 - Rampaging crusaders drive a trebuchet through the walls of two towers in Ancient Syria.
1666 - Sir Marquis Baron Vivaldi walks to the crossroad and sells his soul to Satan
1888 - Vivaldi composes new record "A Change of Four Seasons", inspired by regressive metal band Dream Theater.
1945 - Scientists discover that if you play John Cage's 4'33" backward you'll hear someone cough, but backwards.
1974 - Tornadoes sweep the U.S.A, inspiring the invention of the tumble drier.
1986 - D.J. murder rate at all-time high, blamed on the provocative lyrics of The Smiths.
1996 - Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber, is arrested for crimes against tasteful nomenclature, and killing like six people.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Sylvia Plath was a suicidally-depressed female poet. She is generally considered to be one of the best writers to work within the suicidally-depressed-female genre, having written several classics of depressing female literature, including the poetry collections Ariel and The Colossus and the novel The Bell Jar.

Since her suicide at the tender age of 30, Plath has grown to become a feminist icon; often perceived as a female genius who struggled within a patriarchy that dismissed her literary expression and sought to demean her as a sex object. She is was also a hottie.

Plath was born, quite aptly, during the Great Depression. As she said in her poem The Suicide Cloud: "for me, the Great Depression never ended". Her mother was a teacher of English, while her father was a bee enthusiast who made his name by writing two books about bees. Apparently he couldn't say everything he wanted to with just one book about bees. Plath's parents were clearly huge influences on her for the rest of her life, and from a very young age she became dedicated to poetry - poetry that contained a frankly baffling multitude of references to bees. (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Bing Crosby, featured on 3 April 2012: Featured version
Katy Perry, featured on 3 April 2011: Featured version
HowTo:Blow a dog, featured on 3 April 2010: Featured version
Why?:Watching a marathon of House, M.D. while you're sick is not a good idea, featured on 3 April 2009: Featured version
Uncyclopedia:No Reading Articles, featured on 3 April 2008: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured April 3

Picture of the day

The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it.

Image credit: Serge Billault
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Did You Know?

... that Big Bird was the guest of honor on a special Thanksgiving episode of Sesame Street? (Pictured)

... that the toaster in Pulp Fiction is wanted in connection with at least 5 unsolved murders? (Pictured)

... Nautical knots are not knots that can be knotted into knots (most likely not)?
... that Earth is the best planet in the world?
... that Alexander isn't really that Great?
…that it’s offensive to call them “black pencils” and we should call them “pencils of colour isntead”?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?
... that dihydrogen monoxide can kill you, specially if you breathe it?

... that Albert Einstein's likeness has been used to sell pornography? (Pictured)

... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?
... that the life of Jesus Christ contains many allusions to Superman?
... that Alexander isn't really that Great?
... that You have to be lucky all the time, but we only have to be lucky once?
... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?
... that Earth has 1 sextillion grains of sand?

... that Nelson Mandela (Pictured) was a cunt?

... that not all of Ukraine is Russia, though Russia can't seem to tell?
... that someone reading Uncyclopedia has an erection right now, even though we barely have pornographic content?
... that Robert Shaw won the Northeast Regional Dogfishing Open in 1974, the first sporting event to be broadcast on the new ESPN network?
... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?
... that every time you blink, you get transported to another alternative Universe?
... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*
... that Godot isn't coming?

... that Hipponias is a cannibal? (Pictured)

... that the admins will never approve your DYK submission nor will they read these suggestions?
... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
... that on average, humans have less than 2 legs?
... that compromise is a great diplomatic tool? Although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?
... that Calvin and Hobbes was an action-packed buddy comedy series that ran from 1542-1549, featuring philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes as themselves?
... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
... that I think you know what's happening today?

... that in another time and place Rod Serling existed as a discarded cardboard cutout on the set of the Twilight Zone? (Pictured)

... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now?
... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins? But all of them are wiki editors?
... that not all πr². There are also many π that r rounded?
... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
... that Jimmy Mozzarella is pissing in your closet?
... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?

... that I'm secretly looking for Nazi Gold right now? (Pictured)

... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?
... that the brainrot is taking oveBRR BRR PATAPIM, IL MIO CAPPELO E PIENO DI SLIM! TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG SAHUR! BOMBARDINO CROCODILO!
... that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
... that since haste makes waste, and slow and steady wins the race, it follows that everybody who loses a race must therefore be charged with littering?
... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West?
... that Calvin and Hobbes was an action-packed buddy comedy series that ran from 1542-1549, featuring philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes as themselves?

... that there's only a slight difference between you and me? (Pictured)

... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
... that the Japanese have a saying: "A man cannot read the same Wikipedia page twice"? The pages are constantly being edited, and the act of reading it will make you a different person. Therefore, when a man goes back to re-read it, both the text and the man have been changed.
... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
... that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
... that in Spanish, "¡Chinga tu madre, cabrón!" means "Have a nice day"? Tell your friends!
... that Alexander isn't really that Great?

... that Vladimir Putin's warm and paternal gaze can cure cancer?

... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that if you breed a Bulldog and a Shih Tzu; you will get a Bullshit?
... that 100% of divorces start with marriage?
... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke?
... that dihydrogen monoxide is a substance found in car exhaust, pesticides, acid rain, and your energy drink?
... that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.
... that the life of Jesus Christ contains many allusions to Superman?

... that the WWF is the only "sports entertainment" organization endorsed by PETA and Greenpeace? (Pictured)

... that a simile is like a metaphor? And hyperbole is the greatest thing ever?
... that if you breed a Bulldog and a Shih Tzu; you will get a Bullshit?
... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks?
... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?
... that in 2007 the Department of Homeland Security released a series of informative pamphlets on surviving a terrorist attack?
... that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal?
... that virgins are actually alien beings with zero sex organs, and reproduce via telekinesis?

... that I'm secretly looking for Nazi Gold right now? (Pictured)

... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special?
... that when it says "Do not try at home", it actually means "Do not try this at all"?
... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?
... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?

... cluck gawk cluck cluck cluck cluck bock bock cluck cluck B`gawk? (Pictured)

... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
... that I let the dogs out, and you can't do a goddamn thing about it?
... that wearing a Top Hat is not only a sound fashion choice, it gives you somewhere to hide candy?
... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?
... that when it says "Do not try at home", it actually means "Do not try this at all"?
... that reading this section is a severe waste of time?
... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

More HowTo's

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

More Why?

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