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Today's featured article

Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge.

Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one.

Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again!

Hold on...

Why is my hair roller in here?

Wait...

This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill?

Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault.

Just a minute...

WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...)

Recently featured:

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In the news

CHJpdmF0ZS9sci9pbWFnZXMvd2Vic2l0ZS8yMDIyLTA1L2xvY2dvdHRsaWViMTI1MDEtaW1hZ2UuanBn.jpg

"Come! Come support my tacky AI website!"

Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (Pictured; this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over

Recent deaths: Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan • McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy (if you're Gen X) or the dad from Euphoria (if you're a Millennial or Gen Z) • Melania Trump's big movie star career

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

February 22: International Day of Spam

1996 - Need money quick? Need money now? Get a Payday Loan today! It's not like you have a choice you poor piece of shit haha.
1998 - Got bills you need to pay? Some student loans looming overhead? Donate some plasma to literal blood-sucking capitalists.
1999 - There are hot singles in your area! I don't think you can do anything with that information, I just wanted to tell you.
2001 - Retro fans! Buy a complete box set of every movie and television series released during the 1980s, only $25,999.99! comes in fourteen trucks.
2005 - Buy the last 49,367 Blu-ray discs of Peter Jackson's opus King Kong, I don't know use it as tinsel it's starting to leak chemicals.
2011 - Look like your best self, buy our signature collection of foundation and concealer, made from the ground up bones of the long extinct sea cow.

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Featured biography

Alexander Hamilton (January 11, 1755 or 1757 – July 12, 1804) was the first (and last) United States Secretary of the Treasury to be killed in a duel. He was also one of the Founding Fathers of the United States, a lawyer and street judge, and a slave-owner. An all-around good guy.

As butler to General George Washington during the War of Colonial Aggression against Great Britain, Hamilton called for a new Constitution. He wrote, like, almost all of the Federalist Papers, a primary source for Constitutional repression. He was opposed by other Founding Fathers, namely all of the ones who didn't like uppity, philandering bastards.

Today, Hamilton is on the U.S. $10 bill, a testament to America's appreciation for adulterous dueling bastards who are good with fiscal policy.

Hamilton was born in Jamaica, the son of Samuel Hamilton, captain of the colonial island's bobsled team. Hamilton's mother was a 'ho and it was widely known that Hamilton was born out of wedlock, a good old-fashioned bastard in the purest possible sense. He spent his childhood days polishing his father's bobsled blades and the nobs of other bobsled teammates. His hobbies included printing his own money on palm leaves and then being lashed viciously by his father, who was also the local vicar, for counterfeiting. (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

UnNews:Michael Bay's guide to public speaking, featured on 22 February 2014: Featured version
HowTo:Be Happy, featured on 22 February 2012: Featured version
Un-British Activities, featured on 22 February 2011: Featured version
UnNews:Genocide in Darfur Ends, featured on 22 February 2010: Featured version
Marie Curie, featured on 22 February 2008: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured February 22

Picture of the day

Too... Many... In-Jokes...

Image credit: Smiddle
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images

Did You Know?

... that I started drowning two minutes before typing this? (Pictured)

... that Angelina Jolie took method acting to the extreme to play the role of Slim in A Bug's Life? (Pictured)

... that this in not a DYK entry?
... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks?
... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay?
... that a Pie Chart is the most delicious way of visually conveying information?
... that Calvin and Hobbes was an action-packed buddy comedy series that ran from 1542-1549, featuring philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes as themselves?
... the muffin man?

... that 10 minutes of Super Bowl XLIII was mysteriously interrupted? (Pictured)

... that this sentence is incomple
... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?
... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?
... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
... tennis isn't just a game?
... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?

... that it is most certainly not beneficial to Society to monitor Internet use? (Pictured)

... that every time you shoot yourself in the head, someone somewhere in the world dies?
... the muffin man?
... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?
... that more people have been inside Paris Hilton, than in the Hilton in Paris?
... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
... that the rumors that you are paranoid were started by someone who's out to get you?

... that in Israel, chess sets contain rabbis rather than bishops? (Pictured)

... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?
... that the A-bombs dropped on Japan were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?
... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?
... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?

... that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? (Pictured)

... that school is an asylum where they mentally and physically abuse you for seven cruel hours, all with your parents' approval?
…that it’s offensive to call them “black pencils” and we should call them “pencils of colour isntead”?
... that the fictional droid C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication, but only four of them are love?
... that Michael Jackson should have had more apples to keep his doctor away?
... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
... that en passant is actually French for "inventing new rules as you go along?"
... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?

... that the Royal Pointless Military Things Tournament was founded by the Duke of York? (Pictured)

... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time?
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?
... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
... that two peanuts were walking down a street and one was a salted?
... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?
... that much like your cancer-stricken Grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?

... that the man on the left is admiring the bare torso of the man on the right in a purely non-sexual manner? (Pictured)

... that I am inside your walls?
... You can do anything with creativity, determination, and the exploitation of the working class?
... tennis isn't just a game?
... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?
... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle?
... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?

... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured)

... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
... that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?
... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time?
... that there is no other word for thesaurus?
... that although the effects of alternative medicine are difficult to separate from a placebo, dumb hippies are easy to separate from their money?

... that the Qu'ran was originally taken from a page in the Thomas the Tank Engine activity and coloring book? (Pictured)

... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?
... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?
... that Godot isn't coming?
... that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal?
... that you've just lost the game?
... that in a world where movie trailers are crucial to a film's success... one man will provide his voice in innumerable trailers?
... no, you didn't! Stop lying!

... that I'm secretly looking for Nazi Gold right now? (Pictured)

... that the butler did it?
... that... uh, shit, I forgot what I was gonna say.
... that this is just a distraction while we take your car?
... that dihydrogen monoxide can kill you, specially if you breathe it?
... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that in an experiment known as Monty Hall problem, if you never make up your mind about which door to choose, the goat behind the door will grow tired and burst out?
... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?

... that a smiling Joe Pesci is never a good thing? (Pictured)

... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does?
... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?
... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
... that vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

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Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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Uncyclopedia is hosted by the Uncyclomedia Foundation, a non-profitable organization that also hosts a range of other projects as well as some foreign language Uncyclopedias and Illogicopedia.

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