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Today's featured article

The Autoconspiracy 2000 (more commonly known as the Conspiracy Theory Generator) is a top-secret computer program built by the world's most elite historians and computer scientists for the purpose of expanding historical knowledge beyond that which would normally not be achievable by humans. The goal of the program is to map out and eventually solve every historical uncertainty by "Exploring the Infinite Chronoscape" as the program's metadata puts it.

Early versions of the Autoconspiracy can be traced back to prehistoric times, where archaeological records show evidence of some particularly clever cavemen who had studied the natural patterns of moss and of mud to explain the origins of organic material. More refined methods of discovering hidden truths came later, culminating with the final Autoconspiracy version, Autoconspiracy 2000 c. 2000. (Full article...)

Recently featured:

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In the news

He literally fought nail and tooth for Team America

Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey (Pictured); Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over • Team Canada rethinking life

Recent deaths: Brad Arnold • NFL season • Winter Olympics • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan • Eric Dane • Melania Trump's big movie star career • Team Canada hockey, twice, AND their curling team

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy and snow handling capability • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to remember • Mexico

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

February 24: "I don't care what day it is" Day

1803 - In Marbury v Madison, two men named Mr. Marbury and Mr. Madison fight each other with canes, and the Supreme Court decides who wins.
1863 - People on their way to California collapse from heat while traveling across the desert, and rather than dying with humanity, they found Arizona.
1920 - God decides today is a good day to create Nazis, a few select Germans suddenly feel an unusual aversion to international Jewry.
1942 - Aliens attack the city of Los Angeles! (Pictured) They're confused for Japanese soldiers due to racism.
1978 - Five men disappear after attending a college basketball game in California. The bodies of four of them were actually clones of the same person.
2007 - Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe launches a spy satellite to perv on Kim Jong-un's sister, Kim Yo-jong.
2008 - Fidel Castro retires, spends the rest of his days smoking cigars and laughing at assassination attempts.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Sylvia Plath was a suicidally-depressed female poet. She is generally considered to be one of the best writers to work within the suicidally-depressed-female genre, having written several classics of depressing female literature, including the poetry collections Ariel and The Colossus and the novel The Bell Jar.

Since her suicide at the tender age of 30, Plath has grown to become a feminist icon; often perceived as a female genius who struggled within a patriarchy that dismissed her literary expression and sought to demean her as a sex object. She is was also a hottie.

Plath was born, quite aptly, during the Great Depression. As she said in her poem The Suicide Cloud: "for me, the Great Depression never ended". Her mother was a teacher of English, while her father was a bee enthusiast who made his name by writing two books about bees. Apparently he couldn't say everything he wanted to with just one book about bees. Plath's parents were clearly huge influences on her for the rest of her life, and from a very young age she became dedicated to poetry - poetry that contained a frankly baffling multitude of references to bees. (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Hostile architecture, featured on 24 February 2018: Featured version
Aran Islands, featured on 24 February 2012: Featured version
Tittyfuck rape, featured on 24 February 2011: Featured version
HowTo:Write a Progressive Rock Song, featured on 24 February 2010: Featured version
Pie Chart, featured on 24 February 2009: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured February 24

Picture of the day

The M822 Hand Grenade is an explosive device that resembles a hand. On activation, the device lunges towards the nearest throat or throat-like object and latches on tight with its five "fingers" exploding violently in a gruesome mess. Special care must be taken when activating the grenade. When activated, one should run behind the nearest wall or bush and squat down, so that the grenade cannot "see" you.

Image credit: Mosquitopsu
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Did You Know?

... that the waterways of Oslo, Norway are much like Venice, except that they are open sewers? (Pictured)

... that it is most certainly not beneficial to Society to monitor Internet use? (Pictured)

... that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
... that I am Batman?
... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
... that I am inside your walls?
... that wearing a Top Hat is not only a sound fashion choice, it gives you somewhere to hide candy?

... that Nelson Mandela (Pictured) was a cunt?

... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure AIDS?
... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?
... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap?
... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?
... that Euroipods is a website giving away free ipods in return for completing offers and reffering freinds to do the same?

... that the Qu'ran was originally taken from a page in the Thomas the Tank Engine activity and coloring book? (Pictured)

...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special?
... that if you poke a whale in the tummy it will giggle like a schoolgirl?
... that there is a simple, easy solution to the fact that you cannot understand the foreigners who are sitting next to you?
... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?
... that an umbrella is a magical object that is used in many cultures to discourage rainfall?
... that Earth has 1 sextillion grains of sand?

... cluck gawk cluck cluck cluck cluck bock bock cluck cluck B`gawk? (Pictured)

... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?
... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?
... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure AIDS?
... that gender is a scam invented in 1825 to sell more bathrooms?
... that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?
... that Uncyclopedia regularly kills its editors mid-sent

... that Margaret Thatcher (Pictured) died thirty years too late?

... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?
... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
... that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.
... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?
... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...

... the secret to good advertising is to lie? (Pictured)

... that neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin?
... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap?
... that hitting your kids may be beneficial to their health, or at the very least amusing to you?
... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?
... that the fictional droid C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication, but only four of them are love?
... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?

... that cabbages are not to be trifled with? (Pictured)

... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?
... that there is a simple, easy solution to the fact that you cannot understand the foreigners who are sitting next to you?
... that the fictional droid C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication, but only four of them are love?
... that in Spanish, "¡Chinga tu madre, cabrón!" means "Have a nice day"? Tell your friends!
... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
... that pillow fighting is a violent trend among the world's pillow population, and must be stopped?
... that nobody asked?

... that cabbages are not to be trifled with? (Pictured)

... that this sentence is incomple
... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?
...the Cleveland Indians were about to become the Cleveland Clevelands?
... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
... that Calvin and Hobbes was an action-packed buddy comedy series that ran from 1542-1549, featuring philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes as themselves?
... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual?
... that I let the dogs out, and you can't do a goddamn thing about it?

... that AMC's hit series Breaking Bad Wind (Pictured) featured the actors' real farts?

... that there is no consensus among experts on vice presidential history that Al Gore exists?
... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West?
... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular?
... that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?
... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?
…that it’s offensive to call them “black pencils” and we should call them “pencils of colour isntead”?

... that video games have been linked to aggressive behavior in teenagers? (Pictured)

... that the Welsh language was created when someone fell asleep on a keyboard?
... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
... you're so fat, that if you don't stop, within a month you're gonna have a heart attack or stroke?
... that solid, liquid, and gas all come out your ass?
... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure AIDS?
... that 98% of Americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?
... that the life of Jesus Christ contains many allusions to Superman?

... that your daughter wants to be just like her mommy? (Pictured)

... that individuals born under the sign of Gemini are often flammable and vulnerable to bear attacks?
... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?
... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
... that there's a tunnel under Ocean Blvd?
... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

More HowTo's

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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