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Today's featured article

Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge.

Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one.

Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again!

Hold on...

Why is my hair roller in here?

Wait...

This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill?

Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault.

Just a minute...

WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...)

Recently featured:

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In the news

CHJpdmF0ZS9sci9pbWFnZXMvd2Vic2l0ZS8yMDIyLTA1L2xvY2dvdHRsaWViMTI1MDEtaW1hZ2UuanBn.jpg

"Come! Come support my tacky AI website!"

Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (Pictured; this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over

Recent deaths: Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan • McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy (if you're Gen X) or the dad from Euphoria (if you're a Millennial or Gen Z)

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

Pictured: Your taste in music/television/everything.

February 20: Hot Garbage Day

1792 - The Postal Service is first established, celebration ceremony is accidentally rerouted to San Francisco, Spanish California.
1872 - After some harsh wind, the Metropolitan Museum of Art opens its first exhibit, a giant pile of toppled over ceiling scaffolding.
1877 - Russian ballet Swan Lake is received poorly by critics after show swans descend into the audience and peck their eyes out.
1935 - The first woman to set foot in Antarctica wonders what all the fuss was about.
1986 - The Soviet Union launches the space station Mir, cosmonauts test whether communism can work in outer space.
2016 - A man in Schenectady, New York is the first person to describe someone's opinion as "hot garbage" (Pictured), is given medal for ruining English.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Sam "I won that debate against Chomsky" Harris is a bear of a man, with a mind of unparalleled genius, whose august presence on the internet makes The Discourse that much more civil and rational and smart. Sam Harris is best known for never losing an argument online, and solving all of the philosophy using logic and facts. Before Sam Harris published his book The End of Faith in 2004, no one had thought to use rationality and reason to explore philosophical ideas: philosophy hitherto Sam Harris was made up mostly of pussy God lovers like Søren Kierkegaard who believed in fairy tales because they weren't rational and logical and right about stuff like Sam Harris is.

Today Sam Harris has become a light, shining effervescent in a world dimmed by the evils of Islam and people who disagree with me. Sam Harris has written many books, very long books with little to no pictures, filled with great ideas. Sam Harris has appeared in the prestigious TED talks, where he speaks in a suave and bookish monotone, dispensing his wisdom the way a sprinkler dispenses the succulent water to the hungry hungry grass. Harris has also founded the "Nuke the Muslims until their bones are glass" school of moral philosophy.

Sam Harris was born into this reality like any other rational thinker: pale, wrinkling, writhing, and beaming with potential. He emerged from the flesh cocoon of womanhood into a world chained by anti-intellectualism and its heralds, who are called priests or imams (but mostly imams). (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Lincoln Logs, featured on 20 February 2019: Featured version
Pierre Curie, featured on 20 February 2012: Featured version
BabyTV, featured on 20 February 2011: Featured version
Jewish cuisine, featured on 20 February 2010: Featured version
Printer ink, featured on 20 February 2009: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured February 20

Picture of the day

George Bush meets with his cabinet to discuss the new law thingy about cruelty to animals.

Image credit: Rei
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images

Did You Know?

... that male and female giraffes have been banned from living together in the New York City Zoo since 1975? (Pictured)

... if you are right brained or left brained? (Pictured)

... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to the US and her allies?
... that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Bros. movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?
... that The Oldest Trick in the Book was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia?
... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
... that the A-bombs dropped on Japan were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?
... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
... that two peanuts were walking down a street and one was a salted?

... that there's only a slight difference between you and me? (Pictured)

... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside?
... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?
... that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?
... that Uncyclopedia regularly kills its editors mid-sent
... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
... that Uncyclopedia admins are such lazy bums, they ask their users to think of DYK submissions?
... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?

... that 9/11 (Pictured) was an outside job?

... that testicles are edible and a good source of protein?
... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
... that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
... that dihydrogen monoxide is a substance found in car exhaust, pesticides, acid rain, and your energy drink?
... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?

... that Burger King briefly attempted to introduce traditional British cuisine in the US? (Pictured)

... that while most Popes don't shit in the woods, sometimes bears are Catholic?
... that an umbrella is a magical object that is used in many cultures to discourage rainfall?
... that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.
... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?
... that it's probably not the weekend (The chance is 5/7)?
... that school is an asylum where they mentally and physically abuse you for seven cruel hours, all with your parents' approval?
... that removing the rubber bands from the claws of a Lobster can result in oh god get it off get it OFF OH GOD MY FACE!

... that Margaret Thatcher (Pictured) died thirty years too late?

... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?
... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit?
... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure AIDS?
... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
... that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one?
... that applause was invented to mock the deaf?
... that there is a pipe bomb placed in your mailbox?

... that BET is dedicated to bringing quality entertainment to the masses? (Pictured)

... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that creating an account comes with a 50% higher chance of leaving of Uncycloland alive?
... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?
... that nobody asked?

... that Albert Einstein's likeness has been used to sell pornography? (Pictured)

... that I'm better than this person in particular?
... that Michael Jackson should have had more apples to keep his doctor away?
... about Alliteration articulating an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accouterments as alarmingly asinine alignments?
... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?
... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?
... that Earth has 1 sextillion grains of sand?

... that a smiling Joe Pesci is never a good thing? (Pictured)

... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does?
... that an umbrella is a magical object that is used in many cultures to discourage rainfall?
... that Robert Shaw won the Northeast Regional Dogfishing Open in 1974, the first sporting event to be broadcast on the new ESPN network?
... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?
... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
... that no word in the English language rhymes with the word flucumber?
... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?

... that a smiling Joe Pesci is never a good thing? (Pictured)

... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now?
... that it takes a great amount of sexual commitment to get a computer turned on, but once your computer is properly aroused, it can offer you some of the greatest sexual thrills you may ever experience?
... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?
... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?
... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?

... that hand transplant patients (Pictured) celebrate by masturbating?

... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?
... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap?
... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
... that you just lost the Game?
... that en passant is actually French for "inventing new rules as you go along?"
... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?

... that Big Bird was the guest of honor on a special Thanksgiving episode of Sesame Street? (Pictured)

... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.
... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
... that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio?
... that your baby boy would one day walk on water?
... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

More HowTo's

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

More Why?

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