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Today's featured article

WASHINGTON DC - Over a week after the historic health care bill was passed, President Barack Obama gave his seven hundredth speech on health care reform today in front of the United States Congress. Addressing the nation in the most serious expression and tone, the President said:

"My fellow Americans: April Fools!"

This left a cold silence in the house, broken only by the President's own hysterical laughter. After calming down and catching his breath, President Obama explained the joke to the confused masses:

You're probably wondering what's so funny. I'll tell you what's funny: The health care bill! The entire thing. It's one big, fat joke!

Think about it: Forcing everyone to buy insurance in order to lower premium costs? That's preposterous! It completely defies the law of supply and demand! Just saying it out loud reveals it's absurdity! And let's not forget the new regulations on insurance companies and added taxation. You'd think I was actually trying to keep prices up! Rest assured, though, if by chance you won't be able to afford health insurance after these policies take effect, you'll still receive quality, free health care once you're thrown into prison!

Many out there are not worried about the economic details, but more concerned about the coverage they already have. You remember I said, "If you're satisfied with your insurance, you can keep it." Well, I want to make it completely clear once again: The government will do absolutely nothing to interfere with your current insurance policy. However, your cheapskate Scrooge of a boss has every right to dump your sorry behind on the government plan if he wants to save a few dollars! Of course, seniors want to know my solution to the upcoming Medicare deficit. In a nutshell, we're basically going to expand it to everyone!

Seriously, people, Fascism wasn't this back-asswards! Oh my God, if only you could see your faces America! (Full article...)

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In the news

Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd.

Trump talks to America on Iran, Chuck Norris, the Moon, March Madness, and firing Pam Bondi
World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • March Madness Final Four

Recent deaths: Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • Mr. Strickland • C.B. Buckner's carreer as an MLB ump • UConn ladies' basketball season + Jordan's Furniture customers • Jesus

Upcoming deaths: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • Sora • Tiger Woods' driver's license and career.. fuck it, his life can go too • Holostars JP

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On this day in history

April 5: National Bullying Day (Scotland)

1614 - Pocahontas sells life story to Disney for a handful of plastic beads
1640 - King Charles I of England disbands the Short Parliament because "Who cares what happens to short people?"
1945 - USSR deploys troops in Yugoslavia to act as security at TATU gig.
1955 - Winston Churchill gives up politics and goes into insurance.
1979 - Robin dies of Bat-AIDs, a grieving Batman later patents the first Bat-Condoms.
1992 - Several hundred thousand abortion rights demonstrators march on top of babies in Washington D.C.
2000 - Global warming is first linked to the phenomenon of climate change.

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Featured biography

Joseph Conrad you say? Heh, I knew such a man once, he was, what you might call ... a Pole. Therein lies the problem you see, for he was not what might be described as a thin rounded piece of wood, perhaps adorned with a flag, perhaps not. Nor was he an extremity of an axis through a sphere. No! Begad good sir! He was a native of Poland. You see now, he was an impenetrable mystery, that Conrad - always cadging for blow too, but that's another story. Wait, no it isn't.

His early life you say? Well, 'tis presumptuous to assume I would provide you with this particular chap's tale. Yes, I may be an old seaman, but yarn spinning is not my forte good sir. No indeed, one can probably tell from my unsophisticated vernacular that I, Marlow, a man of humble origins and humble endings would have such oratory skills. But Conrad, my God man, he had eyes that could pierce a man's soul; his lips were thin and pale like eels; his very skull seemed to cry 'I am depressed!' or something of that nature.

One night he came to me in my quarters, screaming, and I quote: 'Marlow! Marlow! It is my fate that I should wander these halls like a ghost, festering away my ... genius! WHY should such a man as you presume yourself beneficiary to this ship eh? What? Speak up man!' (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Patch Adams, featured on 5 April 2014: Featured version
Streets of Laredo, featured on 5 April 2012: Featured version
UnNews:Madden 12 to feature new Lockout Mode, featured on 5 April 2011: Featured version
UnNews:Obama to America: "April Fools!", featured on 5 April 2010: Featured version
UnNews:Dinesh D'souza on the real problem with Newtonism, featured on 5 April 2009: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured April 5

Picture of the day

Quenching the thirst of millions of plumbers across the nation, it's the ultimate soda.

Image credit: CartoonDiablo
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Did You Know?

... that hand transplant patients (Pictured) celebrate by masturbating?

... that you wash your ass not your pussy (Pictured) in the Bidet?

... pole dancing was introduced to Egyptian culture by Cleopatra?
... that the Japanese have a saying: "A man cannot read the same Wikipedia page twice"? The pages are constantly being edited, and the act of reading it will make you a different person. Therefore, when a man goes back to re-read it, both the text and the man have been changed.
... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
... that you should invest in chicken stock?
... that Earth, Wind & Fire have produced a multi-season autobiography?
... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?
... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?

... that I'm secretly looking for Nazi Gold right now? (Pictured)

…that it’s offensive to call them “black pencils” and we should call them “pencils of colour isntead”?
... that Freddie Mercury was banned in some European countries due to his extremely radioactive last name?
... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun?
... that it's probably not the weekend (The chance is 5/7)?
... that sheep shrink when it rains?

... that Oh My God! There's a Meteor Heading Towards Us? (Pictured)

... that the fictional droid C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication, but only four of them are love?
... that Liechtenstein is completely pointless?
... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
... that 98% of Americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?
... that the Welsh language was created when someone fell asleep on a keyboard?
... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time?
... that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!

... that the Qu'ran was originally taken from a page in the Thomas the Tank Engine activity and coloring book? (Pictured)

... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?
... Donald Trump? More like... Donald Gay! Hah, gottem!
...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?
... that in 2007 the Department of Homeland Security released a series of informative pamphlets on surviving a terrorist attack?
... that Uncyclopedia regularly kills its editors mid-sent
... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap?
... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?

... I could absolutely kill for something to eat right now? (Pictured)

... that the Japanese have a saying: "A man cannot read the same Wikipedia page twice"? The pages are constantly being edited, and the act of reading it will make you a different person. Therefore, when a man goes back to re-read it, both the text and the man have been changed.
... that dyslexic farmers wear catflaps on their heads?
... that making a band usually involves frantically begging family and strangers to join?
... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
... that the butler did it?
... that the brainrot is taking oveBRR BRR PATAPIM, IL MIO CAPPELO E PIENO DI SLIM! TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG SAHUR! BOMBARDINO CROCODILO!
... that one person can change the world, but the admins will probably just revert it?

... that Japanese ninjas are among those who have tried to find a way to get across the Great Wall of China? (Pictured)

... that I think you know what's happening today?
... that there's a tunnel under Ocean Blvd?
... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins? But all of them are wiki editors?
... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?
... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
... that the bird is equal to or greater than the word?
... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?

... that the toaster in Pulp Fiction is wanted in connection with at least 5 unsolved murders? (Pictured)

... that 100% of divorces start with marriage?
... that this in not a DYK entry?
... that the Japanese have a saying: "A man cannot read the same Wikipedia page twice"? The pages are constantly being edited, and the act of reading it will make you a different person. Therefore, when a man goes back to re-read it, both the text and the man have been changed.
... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst?
... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
... that two peanuts were walking down a street and one was a salted?
... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?

... that Oh My God! There's a Meteor Heading Towards Us? (Pictured)

... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular?
... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West?
... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?
... that I'm better than this person in particular?
... Nautical knots are not knots that can be knotted into knots (most likely not)?
... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
... that in 1933, the US Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?

... that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (Pictured)

... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle?
... that an umbrella is a magical object that is used in many cultures to discourage rainfall?
... that Martin Van Buren is a total dick and nobody likes him?
... that NASA will one day send sharks to space?
... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?
... that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?

... that in Israel, chess sets contain rabbis rather than bishops? (Pictured)

... that dihydrogen monoxide can kill you, specially if you breathe it?
... that I am Batman?
... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
... that you can fry a potato but not a potatoe, according to the Potato-tomato theorem?
... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?
... that the only way the bible could have more holes is if it were written on Jesus's skin?
... that the butler did it?

... that Big Bird was the guest of honor on a special Thanksgiving episode of Sesame Street? (Pictured)

... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?
... that Joe Biden stepped in dog shit?
... that every time you blink, you get transported to another alternative Universe?
... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual?
... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
... that this sentence is incomple

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Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

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Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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