John (A story built one paragraph at a time)
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John is the hero and main character of the epic poem known as A story built one paragraph at a time. The autorship of said piece of literature is unknown, although it is speculated that it may or may not be written by Oscar Wilde[1].
Name[edit | edit source]
The full name of John is unknown. Some has speculated that John, being the incarnation of everything and everyone that's John, will very likely have "John" in his surname as well, making his full name "John Johnson". Other critics have argued that having a -son in his surname would substract his Johnness, meaning that his full name should instead be "John John", which would not cause this controversy. Even more radical fanatics have critizised the very thought that John would have a surname in the first place, for him, who is the most John that has ever Johned, should have its full name only be "John", making him part of the House of the Lastnameless.
Biography[edit | edit source]
Early life[edit | edit source]
John was born in
Kidnapping[edit | edit source]
For reasons yet unknown, John was kidnapped by the Great Lord Móckasiin of Moccasinia, who proposed him a game, à la Saw-style. He was given two choices: playing a game of chess against a hacked version of Martin, or killing a random active admin from Uncyclopedia. Of course, John chose the murder option, as he was too stupid to win a match of chess.
Murder[edit | edit source]
But John was witty and cunning: rather than getting his own hands dirty, he tricked DWIII's friend, Zombiebaron, to be the one doing the killing. Upon realizing they had just stabbed the one that owned them $2,Zombiebaron swore vengeance on John. At the same time, Móckasiin, who couldn't let any witness alive, ordered John to kill Zombiebaron. A battle of grand proportions was about to happen.
Treason[edit | edit source]
In a shocking twist, John decided to date Zombiebaron and choose love over war, betraying Móckasiin's order of killing him. Enraged, Móckasiin searched for the best hitmen in the world to kill them both, but couldn't find enough funding and became poor. A deadly mix of unlucky circumstances and poor chouces led Móckasiin to homelessness, and blinded by his ego, blamed all of his problems to John.
Marriage[edit | edit source]
After having hot sex over his own friend's tomb, John married Zombiebaron, who now went by the name of Dave, and went to live in a nice little town called You don't give a shit. There, John and Dave lived happily ever after... Before John got jailed, that is.
Legacy[edit | edit source]
John has served as an inspiration for many people who want to make a change in the world[2], specially to many Johns, who have chose to worship him as a role model to follow. Some have dared to call John bigger than Jesus; these people were burned by the Vatican for heresy afterwards.
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ of course it is Oscar Wilde
- ↑ whether these changes are for better or for worse, though, is unknown
See also[edit | edit source]
