User:Cajek/faves/norandom
— Gay
“Words that sound similar are dangerous enough; Words that sound identical are even worse.” “This is a normal badger, not a proto-badger. LEARN THE DIFFERENCE or don't come crying to me when your yams are missing!” “Dinosaurs were the original owners of the planet Earth, but sold it on a whim to Earth's current inhabitants for a bag of magic beans.”— Dinosaur
“Ask your closet what type of closet it is. If it answers with "I'm the only type of closet that can understand questions, and respond to them," then you're in luck. You can then converse with your closet.” “At its very surface...”— Shrek
“C-3PO, a character from the Star Wars universe, is some sort of wonderful mechanical man.”— C-3PO
“If you strike me down I shall become more dead than you can ever imagine.”— Captain Obvious, {{DYKdb}}
“If your parents do not have any children, there is a 100% chance that you won't have any either.”— {{DYKdb}}
“He who laughs last will probably be an evil maniac with his finger on a large red button.”— {{DYKdb}}
“You have partial custody and may see your base on weekends.” “At four o'clock, all the honest politicians will shrink down to two feet.”— {{DYKdb}}
“life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate.”— Life
“Does ye have yon time?” “I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself.”— {{DYKdb}}
“It's beddy-bye time! Only replace "beddy" with ethnic and "bye" with cleansing.”— {{DYKdb}}
“The part of my brain that allows me to experience happiness was returned to me. The part that remembers who stole it in the first place is still missing, though.” “Did you know that the hills are alive with the sound of music? ...and that if you stop singing you're committing murder?”— {{DYKdb}}
“Dectective Dawg knows what you did last summer - went to the beach... In Murderville!” “It was Lee Harvey Oswald, I swear.”— The Man On The Grassy Knoll on committing the Perfect Murder
“When it says 'Do not try at home', it actually means 'Do not try this at all'”— {{DYKdb}}
“Despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes”— {{DYKdb}}
“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.”— {{DYKdb}}
“Shalom is one of the names of this big beardy dude who lives upstairs, who a lot of Hebrew speakers know, and many of them are a bit scared by him.”— {{DYKdb}}
“Hollywood has only actually filmed one chase scene, and they simply reuse it over and over”— {{DYKdb}}
“It is better to have loved and lost than to find yourself living with a psycho for the rest of your life”— {{DYKdb}}
“While love is stronger than hate, both are actually weaker than vinegar”— {{DYKdb}}
“Crutches are like funny anecdotes, while wheelchairs are like sad stories”— {{DYKdb}}
Did you know that violence is not the answer?
- ...but it gives you time while you figure out the answer?
- ...but it's a lot of fun?
- ...but it brings up plenty of new and interesting questions?
- ...unless your question is "What sells a PG-13 film?"
- ...I just got it wrong on purpose?
{{DYKdb}}
“We speak 200,000 languages! ...Granted, we may not actually understand 199,985 of them, but as long as there's an online text translator somewhere, we will ensure that all native speakers of Braille, 1337, Kenny McCormick and Beatboxing are able to loosely comprehend at least a few of our articles.”— Uncyclopedia:10 things you did not know about Uncyclopedia
“The only thing money can't buy is poverty.”— {{DYKdb}}
“Intestinal parasites CAN'T be claimed as dependents on your federal income tax return.”— {{DYKdb}}
“I wasted the first 45 minutes of my hour typing about why "noses" were coming from the closet.” “Iddy biddy's name is Kitty Carlisle? Dittum's is fluffy wuffy dipsy so lala cute!”— Cute
“a Canadian who doesn't play hockey is like an American who doesn't stereotype people from other countries.”— {{DYKdb}}
“If a header does not already exist for this day, please create one. If this day does not exist, don't bother.”— QVFD
- DR. KIMBLE, STOP! --Cajek
I DIDN'T KILL MY WIFE!!! --Boomer
- BUT WHY DID YOU HAVE THE BLOODY GUN? --Cajek
BECAUSE I WAS BUSY KILLING THE WHORE NEXT DOOR! --Boomer
- BUT WHY DID YOU HAVE THE BLOODY SUICIDE NOTE?? --Cajek
BECAUSE I... what? --Boomer
- BUT WHY DID YOU HAVE THE BLOODY FOOTPRINT??? --Cajek
I... buh... just... what? --Boomer
- BUT WHY DID YOU HAVE THE BLOODY FOON???? --Cajek
I DON'T KNOW!!!! I just don't know. I'm sorry. So sorry... --Boomer
“Maybe, but his spirit keeps clogging the drain.” “I swear to the court for mercy on his gajyeoohdo my cruel before, fine, go if you want to create a conflict that green flowers are pieot before!”— User:Cajek/Red light, translated into Korean and back again
“I can count the number of trolls who actually read the site's contents on no hands - partly because there are none and partly because I don't need to count on my hands.”— UN:DENY
“I voted against, and now not even my tinfoil hat can block out the voices.”- 1. The best keys to spread your message are Ctrl, C, and V.
- 2. Support redundancy, and post your own message based on the one above to show your support.
- 3. Preach to the choir instead of the congregation.
- 4. When in doubt, let the states decide
- 5. When for certain, let the states decide
- 6. It's the media's fault. Always.
- 7. Do not listen to the gentiles, no matter how good their points may be.
--User:Jocke_Pirat/Ron_Paul#Paulitics
“If you hear someone sneeze do not hesitate to say "God bless you". Atheists hate that.” “I have nothing to declare but my own Genus.”— Oscar Wilde on being a Homo
“An artist's depiction of a fruit bowl ninja. You see, the artist was actually trying to paint a fruit bowl at the time, and it was only when he finished and looked at the painting that he realized a ninja was hiding in front of him the whole time.”— Ninja
“Tonight, after you fall asleep, I'm going to claw out your friggin' eyes."” “...The quote lives on in my heart. Also my userpage, which is nice, as my heart is always losing stuff.”
— THE on NOT vandalising this template
“Who would possibly do such a terrible act of malice?”— Boomer
— TheLedBalloon on my bans
“Plan B: The other other— Vanity
“INCREASE THE AWARENESS OF FIRES. START A FEW.” “...Floors are involved in a bitter struggle for relevancy in a universe where the only view comprises behinds and “smug, asshole-ish ceilings”” “FOUR, huh? I am splitting my sides over how hilarious the cold, hard facts can be sometimes.” “It is better to give torture than to receive.”— {{DYKdb}}
“So Easy Even Your Dog Could Attempt To Do It! It's as easy as 1-2-3Is this hell? --Cajek
- Yes. You can have your souls inspected for character flaws and sinfulness at the counter to the left. At the counter to the left of that, you can have your souls stamped and re-validated. At the counter on my right, you may apply for reassignment to heaven. You won't get it. I'll have to talk to my supervisor about what happens at the counter all the way to my right. --TheLedBalloon Forum:So, should we unban Nintendorulez?
— THE on Mordor Jalapenos
“Horrible visions of death, destruction, prosecution and prostitution cross your mind...” “Following the War, Truman married the Bride of Truman and set to work in the haberdashery they bought together, making delicate lace, colourful ribbons and shiny buttons.” “Truman attributed his victory to "the dark unseen forces that secretly shape our nation's history, from the Supreme Grand Masonic Lodge, through to the reptiloid shapeshifters, through to the secret colony of teleporting sasquatches that keep tampering with my medication."” “Truman signs into law a bill forbidding Japanese wildlife from mutating into gigantic creatures. The bill was latter overturned by the Supreme Court in the famous case of Godzilla v. Illinois” “"What Korean War?" asked Stalin, causing Khrushchev to do one of his trademark double takes. Then Stalin turned to the camera and winked. Iris out. Credits.” “"Pah. You are barely fit to consider reaching your destination."” “Allied propagandists put about rumours that Hitler was himself a furry. ...With pronounced manboobs.” “It was destined to shock the American Right, who condemned the film as un-American, which it clearly was - so they also condemned it as anti-family, poorly lit and too noisy.” “The technology to make stairs was lost in the Great Human-Alien War of 2437.” “Life for the foot soldier of the future makes the darkest day of Korean War look like a trip to Space Camp courtesy of the TV show Double Dare.” “"Yo, little Earthlings... I know I usually let you get away with all sorts of shit, but remember those Passenger Pigeons? Man, I thought they really tied the ecosystem together. You dudes screwed up big time, huma-roonies."”— Great Permissive Dude in the Sky Who Lets Us Do Whatever We Want
Wait...is there some kind of under-the-table deal going on here? ~SysRq
- Pfft, no. I just bought 4 metric tons of crystal meth. ~Led
All my deals are conducted over the table, thanks! (A long way over the table, in my secret flying fortress). ~UU
- Under User Over-The-Table, this is Sky-High LedBalloon. The crow flies north-northeast at midnight. Are you red as roses or daffodil-yellow? ~Led
*crackle* Roger LedBalloon, cabbages over the conning tower, what? ~UU
- Ah, excellent. Mehehehehehe... *adjusts cape and top hat, twirls mustache* ~Led
— Fascist
“Although Wikipedia is not a crystal ball, Uncyclopedia is, so we get to say what happens in the future and they don't.”— {{Future}}
“What. The fuck.”— Kalir on ant stimulation
“Say "Hitler" right now. Did your fern die? Ferns don't like Hitler either.” “Hitler was now up in America's grill, and he had to be stopped. Eisenhower became so full of righteous fury that he went all D-Day on Germany's ass, and soon Hitler was all but done for. He had one last trick up his sleeve, though. Hitler faked his own suicide, and then fled to Hiroshima, Japan to plan a counter-offensive.” “Fire cleanses the city of sin. Fire, dear fire, shall incinerate the unholy and blind them with its truth and clarity.” “But just be certain to never wonder near frogs at night. Because at night time, they put on their leather studded jackets and go out checking your limits to the extreme while playing wild, wild music. In conclusion: never ever harrass a frog that wears leather. Ever.”— {{MonthlyAwards}} on Frogz
“Calculus is like bringing a hooker back to your hotel room, only to find out that the hooker is a big hairy guy with multiple felony convictions, but the guy won't leave without you paying, so you figure you might as well make use of his services... and then he rapes you and steals all your money and leaves you blindfolded and handcuffed to a radiator blowing steam in your face.”— Calculus
"The rate at which Oscar Wilde walks around your mom's bedroom while filming PRON can be modeled by the function v(t)=1/5*cos(t) with t being time in gallons. If s(0)=0, model his his position in the room as a function of time, t. Use the space for your name provided. Explain your answer to the teacher using sockpuppets and the dream method of communication."
~ Calculus
(1)"Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with the flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat."
(2)"Using the piano, construct a time machine to hand in this test before you were given it."
(3)"Justify the need for ham sandwiches."
(4)"There are three nightingales in a tree, if one falls out and a swarm of crows land on the tree as well, what type of tree do the birds reside within? Express your answer in any dead language that rhymes with 'orange'."
~ IQ Test
— MrN9000
“No one expects the Polish Inquisition. That's why they never bake a cake in advance.” “Our lawyers have told us that following any of the instructions on this page could result in imprisonment, deportation, permanent injury, death,— {{lawyers}}
“It takes two people to tango and a week-long summit of three nations to decide that nothing can be done.”— CAPTCHA
Rules of the Fight Universe:
(1)"The first rule of this universe is, you do not talk about this universe."
(2)"The second rule of this universe is, you DO NOT talk about this universe."
(3)"If someone says stop, goes limp, taps out, they are out of the universe."
(4)"If this is your first night in the Fight Universe, you have to fight."
— SysRq
“Crop rotation? Iron-rich diets? Heavy plows? The modern village? All "dark age" inventions. Show that stuff to a Roman and it would be like telling a dog to write a Java servlet.” “Welcome to Encyclopedia Dramatica. Here's your article with extra shit sauce and a side of flamewar. Would you like to Epicsize that for an extra 25 cents, lardbag?” “By the long-discarded verruca sock of the Great Lord Harry's second cousin once removed!” “*Looks at user page* I was never adopted... I WAS NEVER ADOPTED! /me runs off and cries... /me runs off a bit further and cries for effect... /me runs off a tiny bit further and- oooh icecream truck!...” “Endless effort, endless endurance, endless modesty.” “Don't let modesty make the injury worse: ...take off all your clothes.”[on picture:]
“A chemist preparing the shrink ray. Note that his goggles do nothing and are worn purely for display purposes (and to aid in disputes with other chemists over territory).” “The entry fee seems awfully high to me. If I'm slightly brusk with a tourist, can I get two virgins?” “"But how?", a person who's actually willing to talk to me might ask. "Simple.", I'd reply if that ever happens.” “...there are some woods nearby my house that I dumped thousands of grocery bags into. I then brought in a hoard of termites to eat the trees, and I left rotting meat and opened cans of botulism-infected food with rat poison in them, and I dug up the ancient Indian burial grounds that were hidden there so that I could use the skulls to bash in the heads of sick deer. All this never started the chain reaction I was hoping for, but it made me feel very powerful.” “The AIDS-riddled orphans will miss your company and the way you made them peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and talked of memories past. But the world doesn't care about that. It chuckles at your misfortune. "Hehehe", the world says.” “Cajek blows... balloons- what the? (/me kicks Insulterator 3000) $1000 for that?!” “I asked them to give me a trophee for that, but NOOOOO, they said "if we gave you one, we'd have to give one to all the other kids, and that's not fair." ...fair my ass, I made voices with fucking sandpaper!” “Hold still, dammit!” “I hear that some of you kids out there are getting into some really bad stuff. That stuff is called dick-smacking your mom in the face in church.” “Did someone turn the heat up in here? Was I already drunk when I started? If so, does that make this more ethically acceptable? Am I into bestiality?” “Did not our ancestors invent the waffle iron and the Dating Game?” “1. Safety First - make sure your subjects are well strapped down, or they could do you an injury.
2. Revenge is a luxury you can afford.
3. 'Ethics committee' is just another term for cannon fodder.” “This is the telephone that sits on my desk. It only rings when I'm taking a bath and it's never for me. Telephones are like that, here in the cruel, hard city.” “SysRq: Yea, but you get all the girls though right? Tell me you get the girls? Someone must be getting the girls surely.
TheLedBalloon: I just tell them I moderate an online humor wiki and their pants come flying off!” “A paranoid man, Turing devised dozens of tests to determine whether the people in his life were actual human beings.” “Them's is some nice pants. I only wish I could find a pair of pants red enough for people to remember me by rather than my actual name.” “Just imagine having a romantic dinner of chocolate Pop-Tarts in bed with Miss Piggy while she's kneading on your nutsack whilst you take pictures of the whole experience with the new Sony Cyber-shot camera with Smile Shutter technology? Can you say best goddamn experience in your pathetic life?”
“Q:Do you want to be my friend?
A: That's about as likely as me playing by somebody else's rules...which I would never do. I play by my own rules. Nobody else's. Not even my own.”
— User:An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays
“About 7,000 men were killed during the Battle of Gettysburg, and nearly 27,000 wounded. Maybe they know how I feel.” “You AMERICA! Don't you have a shame? Teasing King like this? SHAME TO YOU ALL! UNCYCLOPEDIA, the place that there is only stupids like YOU working on. Shame to you and your family and your country!”— Thailand (since deleted)
“Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want it now,
You know what to do.”
“Why are you wasting time with such nonsense? That's like picking on the kid who wears a helmet on the school bus.” “Pray to Gosh - Gosh is pure unfiltered like. If you don't like Him back, he may dang your soul to heck!”— Forum:Better things you could be doing with your life RIGHT NOW
“This is the longest minute of them all. It is the dark night of the sixty seconds that tick quietly away on the watch that I bought at Argos for next to nothing back in the days I can hardly remember now - when I was free and when sleep came to me like an angel with open arms as opposed to what it is now - a dishcloth on a comatose donkey.” “It's like God took a brick of shit, covered it in shit, and then threw it into an ocean of shit full of shitfish. That's what Martin Van Buren looks like.”“"Papa Bear said “My bowl is too hot.”
“Well" Otter Bear said in between drags on his Viceroy cigarette, "if you wouldn't have added a half of bottle of Tabasco Sauce to it before you tasted it maybe it would be just right.”
”Don't start with me Bruce,” said Daddy Bear.”
— Goldilocks and the Three Bears
“Did you know that my dad reproduces asexually, thus making me impervious to yo momma jokes?”— {{DYKdb}}
“Many consider Rogue Punchlines to be stupid, but you're stupid.
See? That was a rogue punchline, on loan for this article from the Oslo Museum of Humorology, and used with thanks. Work with me here....that was another one. So's your face.”
“Necrophiliphobia can be treated through exposure therapy. Exposure therapy is a— Necrophiliphobia, the irrational fear of having sex with a dead body.
...Basically, we think you're a spammer/vandal/10-year-old. ...
I'm 11 years old and the eye, its just an poor picture!! UNCYCLOPEDIA ARE NOOBS
“I ventured inside to take up where I left off last night - my Transformers DVD. From what I gather, this historical document chronicles the period of time between Egyptians and the much later Dinosaurs.”Depicting Spang's mother as a 450-pound refrigerator repairwomen by day and plus-sized whore by night, while technically accurate, is a violation of the agreement Spang signed before principal shooting began.
Moreover, Spang's sister is portrayed as an attractive Chinese woman. In reality she is neither Chinese, attractive, nor a woman.
“They say the man with the gun makes the facts, and Tito's a man with a gun, knife, nunchucks, and a jar full of scorpions on his person at all times.”Jeez, are you and Skullthumper working on the script for Too Long; Didn't Read: The Movie or what? --Squiggle
- The book was longer... --DJ Irreverent
- I prefer the Manga version. More giant robots. --Modusoperandi
“..the Hundred Acre Wood-wide police crackdown netted Piglet, shown here in his mugshot after being charged with vagrancy, operating a wheelbarrow while intoxicated, hunting woozles without a licence, smuggling of unpasteurized honey across state lines...”“Sting ray? More like sting GAY! Hahaha! But seriously folks, they scare the shit out of me.”
— Piglet
“Well exCUSE me, Karnak the magnificent! These questions have been hermetically sealed in a mayonnaise jar for a year, and only just opened at noon today!”— Stephen Colbert, 7/15/08
“Actually my forceps broke, so I need to sharpen some table spoons for tonight's batch.” “I have no idea what the connections between a cigar, my golf ball, a pin, and a dead guy are!”“I broke my G-string while fingering A minor.”
— Uncyclopedian on J'accuse
“I think this article may contain a point of view.”— Wikipedian on An article that contains nothing but a full stop
(An article that contains nothing but a full stop: A Retrospective)
— Hyperbole on Slappy's Angels/VFD
“ Against. as per "His blood be on us, and on our children."” “At the annual "Improbable Conventions Convention" in southwest Florida, an event was held that rendered even the convention's founder speechless. " ," he said.”— UnNews:Procrastinators Unite Today; Shirt Enthusiasts Enraged
Middle-earth Football -
A team of about 300,000 elves, good men, eagles and dwarfs fight a gigantic hoard of 600,000 of orcs, trolls, wolves and evil men for control of the ball. A couple of hobbits manage to sneak in behind the enemy lines and throw the ball into the fires of Mount Doom where it was once forged.
“See Spot whimper in terror. Spot does not like the spells. What is happening to Spot? Oh no, Spot has burst into flames! See Spot burn. Burn, Spot, burn!
See Jane run. She is afraid of Dick. She does not want to receive the knowledge which will rend her fragile mind like a claw tears at a veil. Run, Jane, run!
Dick does not care. Dick is a Follower of Cthulhu. The souls of the Followers will be eaten first. His suffering will be short.”
— UnBooks:My First Necronomicon
“His crazy antics make a mess of the house, but the scorch marks, black ectoplasmic slime and goat's blood are all cleaned up by the time the children's mom gets home. She suspects nothing, until she notices that the girl is catatonic with fear and the boy is an insane, cackling idiot.” “Did you know that you can produce holy water by boiling the hell out of it?”— {{DYKdb}}
“At night they're like raccoons...staring at me with those beady, dead eyes. During the day, they're like squirrels...staring at my nuts with those beady, dead eyes.”— Modusoperandi on VFS
“Eventually our coins are going to double as playable Toby Keith records so as to give our money the multimedia patriotism treatment, with a tiny red-white-and-blue laser light show thrown in for good measure.” “"A picture paints a thousand words," as the old saying goes. However, this popular line was clearly written in the days before the formation of Uncyclopedia. In most cases, images on Uncyclopedia only manage to paint a small number of words, often of a juvenile or scatalogical nature.”— User:Mhaille/How To:Write An Article That Stands No Chance Of Featuring On Uncyclopedia
“Don't forget the valediction! Choose from any of these:- Sincerely,
- Yours truly,
- Yours falsely,
- Yearningly,
- Intestinally,
- Confusedly,
- I have rabies,
- I have rabies and licked the envelope before I mailed it,
- Don't fuck with me,
- I only date teenagers,
- Fired by the warm glow of Satan's love,
- Did I urinate on this paper or didn't I?
- Overjoyed at the prospect of making unwanted sexual advances on you and all my other coworkers, ”
— Uncyclopedia:VFH/HowTo:Become a sysop in 2008 or later & Gert5
“Have you ever had that dream where you're the captain of a Revolutionary War-era frigate that's been boarded by an enemy brigantine, except the enemy captain is Cap'n Crunch and he keeps turning your weapons into piles of cereal until you shoot that demon telescope out of his hands, and then you have a sword fight? I sure haven't. That'd be stupid.”- At 26-50% is the smartass band; things that Hitler would have said, but which are so banal as to make the comparison worthless. Examples: 'Good morning,' 'I don't think much of Communism,' or 'Where did I leave the keys to my Mercedes?'
- At 25% or less are remarks that the experts agree that Hitler almost certainly never would have made. Examples: 'Give peace a chance,' 'All you need is love,' or 'Sh'ma Yisrael Adonai elohaynu Adonai echad!'
— Mhaille
“...I dunno cos I don't speak Korean. I can, however, speak Super Japanese at grade 0.25.”