Portal:Zoology
Zoology (not to be confused with zooology (the study of animal enclosures) or zoooology (the study of animal eggs)) is the study of animals themselves, and the determination of how they can best be exploited by humans and other extraterrestrial lifeforms.
Zoology was invented by Fisher Price in 1903, who spent his entire lifetime categorizing animals solely based on the sounds which they make when prodded, kicked, tickled, or otherwise abused. Using the advanced Edisonian technology of his day, he transcribed each blood-curdling scream into his pull string-powered mechanical recorder. Unfortunately, while demonstrating his zoological database to a gang of preschoolers at the Boston Museum of Crappy Science Exhibits, Price was attacked by a disgruntled goat and died the next day from thousands of infected nibble wounds. (See more...)
Bears are far more intimately associated with the avocation of shystering than one might expect. After developing the concept of imaginary numbers, and inventing a four-dimensional analogue to the Rubik's Cube (constructed entirely of time and pressed ham), bears found themselves bored and undertook to learn the way of the gavel. Ever since, a growing proportion of our nation's most effective judges and advocates have been bears - among them renowned early-20th-century judge Learned Paw and trial counsel Clarence Darrow (who, in the celebrated Scopes "monkey trial" of 1925, decimated William Jennings Bryan's anti-evolutionary campaign by turning into a human over the course of closing arguments). This article spotlights just a few examples of the intimate linkage between pomaded, sanctimonious alcoholics and Giant Furry Blobs of Imminent Death (trademark pending).
Historically, the Anglo-American common law has recognized two broad categories of easement (i.e., an interest in real property, divorced from fee ownership and consisting in a right to use the property for specified purposes). These are the easement appurtenant and the easement in gross. (See more...)
The Norwegian Short-Tailed Yak Bear (Bosursus Grizlii), not to be confused with the polar bear or the Seventeen spotted eastern-most blue-nailed field wallaby, is an animal best described as the result of a one night stand between an elephant and an owl with antlers, or a large fluffy rabbit that isn't. It is the northern hemisphere equivalent of the impala antelope of Africa.
The Norwegian short-tailed yak bear is a very unusual animal, vaguely resembling a yak but more closely something that isn't that at all. Males, called stags, may grow over four feet tall and up to two hundred pounds, while females, usually known as nullers or bunties (pronounced boon-tees), rarely grow half as large. Both genders have the same dense, oily coat of white fur and a small, somewhat undeveloped but nevertheless functional trunk, reminiscent of an elephant's, but only stags have tusks. By the time a stag is fourteen or fifteen years old, his randomly forking tusks may weigh over 100 pounds and are often twisted and entwined around most of his body, sometimes preventing feeding and often preventing him from laying down, or in some cases walking or breathing. These tusks have little purpose, as females seem quite indifferent to them and they are far too large to be used in fighting, but they are somewhat useful for defense against predators, mainly other yak bears, which will never miss the opportunity to eat another yak bear's ankles. (See more...)
FLINT, Michigan – Little Abigail Sweeney's Christmas morning began normally, with her creeping down the stairs, eyes shut with anticipation. Then upon opening her eyes she saw, with joy and surprise, the present her doting parents and Santa Claus had gotten her. A hippo hero standing there. Exactly as she had asked for!
Ms. Sweeney then opened the rest of her presents, ate her figgy-pudding, and drank her egg nog, all the time sharing the experience with her new friend, her hippo hero. The day turned tragic when Ms. Sweeney began giving the hippopotamus a foot massage in her parent's two-car garage and was quickly sat on to death by the two-and-a-half-ton beast.
"We were a little worried that something bad might happen", said her father, Jasper Sweeney, 38. "We explained to her at one point that it would eat her, but she just laughed and said her teacher told her it was a veg-e-tar-ian." (See more...)
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