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CLEVELAND, OHIO -- Scientists at the The Mayo Clinic came to the conclusion that old people are more likely to die after the recent death of Bertha Madeline "Bobcat" Swanson, master gardener, beloved grandmother, and certified old person.

The study began three years ago, when five old people died at The Shadyside old folks home within the same week. At that point, The Mayo Clinic dropped their study on a miracle cure for cancer, and began a study on the elderly. "We were all so occupied with this old folks study, everything else seemed unimportant," said Lisa Garber, head of research Tuesday, "When I was at home, all I could think about was getting back to the lab and working. Now that it's all over, I don't know what I'll do. Maybe go home, take a nap, cry into a quart of ice cream... Er... I mean... Eat a nice dinner... Yeah, that's what I meant... Anyway, this was probably our biggest breakthrough since we figured out that bears actually do shit in the woods (who knew?), so I guess I can be happy about that. Although in hindsight, throwing a party might not have been the best thing to do, seeing as there was a death and all..."

The study in question consisted of the "old group" and three control groups (toddlers, young adults, and middle aged). The toddlers have yet to die, but the last person in the middle aged group was killed four days after Bertha, in a midlife crisis. When asked to comment, Lisa Garber merely said, "Let's just say his parachute had a hole in it..." Additionally, the last person in the young adult group, Jonathan White, nearly died after a head injury. However, after being admitted to the hospital, he did die of an accidental morphine overdose. One of our reporters was there, but was unfortunately out of the room at the time of death. The shady man standing next to Jonathan's body refused to comment. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that Japanese ninjas are among those who have tried to find a way to get across the Great Wall of China? (Pictured)

... that the White House is really off-white?
... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?
... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?
... that the The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?
... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
... that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio?
... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?

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In the news [edit]

Switzerland wins Eurovision
- Netherlands disqualified in final shocker
YouTube is dead
D.C. stink-bombed by Jihadists and Nazis
Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support (Pictured)
Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · Eurovision
Recent deaths: Bernard Hill · Nemo's first trophy · Roger Corman · Chrissie from Jaws · Drake's "whole mans career" · Dabney Coleman
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for Tesla cars · "New York Knicks suck" jokes.. oh wait, we just jinxed them

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On this day [edit]

May 20: Visions of the Virgin Mary Day (South America).

1492 - Christina Columbus, the illegitimate daughter of a mediocre sailor, discovers a new continent, only to have her father Christopher claim the discovery as his own.
1551 - For an entire year, people make lame jokes about anagrams and dying of syphilis.
1732 - Queen Victoria, the Virgin Queen, declares war on France. Again.
1927 - Charles Lindbergh impresses two continents and wins a load of cash.
1930 - A time-travelling Jimbo Wales makes an unsuccessful attempt to kill Hitler. The two later become the best of friends.
1932 - Popeye is introduced to Extra Virgin Olive Oyl.
2004 - MaCaulay Culkin finally loses his virginity while falling from a cliff.

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Picture of the day

Falstrop's Amazing Kitten Huffing Device

Early Victorian advances in kitten huffing technology were spearheaded by the notorious kit-head Algernon Falstrop.

Image credit: Sannse
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