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Today's featured fatty

COLUMBUS, Indiana -- Psycho Christian white supremacist former Vice President Mike Pence has gotten himself into another pickle. Only this time, it's quite literally a pickle. The former VP discovered that he had turned into a former cucumber.

"No explanation at all," Pence told Newsmax Tuesday. "I just woke up one day and discovered I had turned into a pickle. I know the European Union turned President Trump into a walrus, and former Press Secretary... What was that bastard's name again?... into an eggman, but I believe they wouldn't waste their time on me. I believe it was Hillary Clinton, Obama, The Bidens, the Kennedys, The Addams Family, Rosie O'Donnell, Britney Spears, Oprah, Steve Harvey and those goddamned liberal Democrats who stole the election from me-- I mean, us!"

There is zero evidence of any of these parties being involved in the incident.

"Mother is going to be ashamed of me. She warned me about sticking my pickle where it didn't belong."

To make matters worse, Dan Harmon has filed a cease-and-desist against Pence.

Twitter erupted in the wake of the news. Donald Trump tweeted: "I know for a terrific 100 percent FACT that LEBROWN JAMES is rebonsisple for this. NFL should suspend him. GO BACK TO YOUR SHITHOLE COUNTRY!" Then Trump remembered that he was banned in January.

Palmer Report tweeted: "Still a bigger pickle than Donald Trump's."

Rob Reiner: "Funniest shit I've ever seen!" (Full article...)

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Did you know...

*... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?

... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*

... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?
... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*

... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?
... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*

... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?

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In the news
Switzerland wins Eurovision Netherlands disqualified in final shocker YouTube is dead D.C. stink-bombed by Jihadists and Nazis Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support (Pictured) Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced Santa's Elves on strike UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game? Ongoing: Russian Invasion · Eurovision Recent deaths: O. J. Simpson · Bernard Hill · Nemo's first trophy · Roger Corman · Chrissie from Jaws Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe) UnNews – Radio Free Lunch
On this day...
May 14: "Aren't Space Stations Just Spaceships That Can't Move?" Day (U.S.) 468 BC - The color of the sky deemed to be blue by Greek philosophers. 1607 - The settlement of Jamestown, Virginia is founded in the middle of a swamp, local mosquito population ravaged by Human flu. 1846 - The United States snatches Mexico's purse and pilfers 500,000 square miles of sweet land. 1974 - NASA accidentally launches the planned Skylab station into the ocean. (Pictured) 1975 - Vehicle meant to retrieve Skylab from the ocean accidentally launched into outer space, vehicle renamed to Skylab. 1976 - Astronauts stage a mutiny against Earth after being tethered to a giant claw for three months. 2007 - After billions of dollars of research and intense study, Bill Gates finally hits puberty. 2008 - The Secret Service find George W. Bush hiding behind a vase in the White House cantina: "Is my presidency over?" Bush says. 2074 - I lose my house keys again. View tomorrow – More anniversaries...

Today's fattiest picture

"The cereal where you eat the box!"

Image credit: InfiniteMonkey
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Writer and Noob of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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