User:McBeech

Disclaimer: The below Chronicles are entirely fictitious. Any resemblance to actual Majors living or dead is entirely coincidental.

The Early Years

Justin McBeech of the Clan McBeech

The child who was to become the fearsome warrior and leader of men known as Doctor Major Sir Justin K. McBeech, P-S, B-P, B-S, PVOMS, GI&H, VC and Bar, Esq. was born to a lowly peasant family of the Clan McBeech in the highlands of Scotland. From an early age young Justin was painstakingly trained by his uncle in the ancient arts of swordmanship and blacksmithing. During this process it is believed that the young Justin invented the process of folding the metal upon itself hundreds of times in order to increase the strength and flexibility of the blade. This was believed to have been invented by the Japanese, however a previously written version of "the pam" was discovered to have been written by McBeech.

The young McBeech was unfairly banished from his village of Glenfinnen in 1536 for demanding daily sitreps and being a narcissistic bullshit artist. From here he emigrated to Australia, where during his halcyon youth his physical prowess earned him the envy of many and the adulation of females everywhere; notable achievements include playing for the NSW Rugby team and winning several major bodybuilding contests, all by the tender age of seventeen.

McBeech at Duntroon

Justin then turned his attention to the military, knowing that his country needed his phenomenal abilities and talents. Due to his abilities to visualise complex mathematical equations in his head he knew that he was destined for the officer ranks; his innate leadership abillities guaranteed that he would progress swiftly through the ranks and achieve high command. Naturally the handsome, talented and by this stage slightly balding McBeech was idolised by his peers and graduated from the Royal Military College - Duntroon as winner of both the Queen's Medal and Sword of Honour, which he fashioned himself in accordance with the teachings of his Clan and ancient tradition. He was mentioned in dispatches on the arduous Exercise Timor, where as one of twenty cadets to complete the exercise the young McBeech marched over 360km carrying 2 40-gallon drums, a minimi, the radio, the company's defence stores and an M113.

The 3rd Battalion, the Royal Australian Regiment - "McBeech's Own"

His status as an uber-warrior lead to his posting to the 3rd Battalion of the Royal Australian Regiment, where the young Lieutenant McBeech was assigned to that most critical of all assets, the Direct Fire Support Weapon, or "Heavy Weapons" Platoon. Indeed, his in-depth knowledge of the doctrine of fire support lead to his being commissioned to write the pam on this topic two years before his graduation from RMC. This level of skills and knowledge also lead to his invention and trial of the Javelin Anti-Armour Weapon at 3RAR almost five years before its official invention and trial in the United States.

During his time with the elite 3RAR, LT McBeech again earned the admiration of his subordinates, peers, and superiors alike, with feats such as the navigation of his entire company by night over 45 km of arduous terrain with less than a metre margin of error.

"The Wildebeest"

LT McBeech become known as a hero amongst the subalterns during an incident which can only be described as epic and life-changing; a notoriously vicious and cruel Major, aptly named "The Wildebeest", was reknowned for his torment and physical abuse of the young subbies. One night in the mess young LT McBeech could no longer stand idly by as this injustice continued, and stepped into the ranks of history by "pasting" his compatriots' tormentor. This stand against cruelty and injustice everywhere has become a theme in the career of McBeech, with such notable elements as the "punching in the throat" of two bikies in a Wollongong pub who had dishonoured a female companion.

McBeech earned the affectionate nickname "Screaming Eagle" at 3RAR, a nickname that stuck all the way through his subsequent critical postings to Training Command. It is a matter of some dispute amongst those who study the career of this great man as to whether this is in reference to his unique parachuting ability, or his ability to give sexual pleasure to at least five superior officers simultaneously (this theory also aptly explains his later medical concerns in the knee department). Another notable callsign for this gallant and erudite warrior is "Godzilla"; a title bestowed upon him by "the boys" after he "went the knuckle" on a nebulous (and possibly fictitious) individual.

Following his conspicuous service at 3 RAR, it has been alleged that the young McBeech was handpicked as a close combat specialist for 4 RAR (Commando). However, records of this stage of his career have yet to be de-classified by the Australian Government; despite sightings of McBeech instructing veteran commandos on close-quarter battle techniques throughout this period (and the man's own ever-so-often sly references to this period), the Australian Army insists that over this time McBeech was in fact posted to a reserve training command university regiment. In Adelaide. One can only imagine at his role in this elite and secretive force; McBeech himself states that his work with 4 RAR was too secret to allow him to become openly beret-qualified.

Training Command Warrior

Sadly his stellar career stalled as McBeech, doing what he loved best, performed a HALO jump into enemy territory laden with almost a DFSW platoon's worth of stores, weapons and ammunition. He hit the deck hard, and his subsequent terrible but vague injuries would remove his ability to run a sub-8:30 min 2.4km. As he could no longer be the best of the best, McBeech gave up on his career as an uber-warrior, though he would often later recount many a tale of his exploits around a table of young and impressionable subalterns at Orders Groups. The great man instead turned his attention to the training of others in his image, with a posting to the 1st Recruit Training Battalion as a platoon commander; this posting began a decade-long love affair with Training Command.

Despite his postings to Training Command, during Australia's greatest time of need McBeech answered the bugle and volunteered for the most hazardous operation that the Australian Army has ever attempted; the monitoring of the Ethiopian/Eritrean border from the security and air-conditioned comfort of the 13th floor of a building deep within the UN compound.

McBeech in Eritrea

Indeed, it is speculated that McBeech was in fact only posing as a useless staff officer, and that his true role (as befitted his CQB training) was as the bodyguard of the "Topographics" Major who accompanied him, and whose actual role can only be guessed at. It is known that on several deep-penetration missions beyond the border McBeech saw "trigger-time" on the "two-way range" as "OIC". The subsequent Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder would cause McBeech to have repeated flashbacks involving "pink mist" whenever in a room full of subbies he wanted to impress.

It was as a result of this PTSD and his ever-growing suite of increasing vague injuries that it was thereafter considered too great a risk to place such a valuable asset as McBeech into combat again. Instead McBeech was assigned to a number of postings in which his role was to shepherd wayward and possibly senile general staff officers who were incapable of doing their own jobs; it has been argued that McBeech's finest hour involved doing the jobs of at least three brigadiers simultaneously (as a Captain on Higher Duties Allowance for Major), whilst at the same time briefing the Chief of Army in person at least twice a day. It is rumoured, in fact, that McBeech had already begun to spread the tendrils of his influence into the Chief of Defence Force's office, and in press conferences throughout the early 00's ADM Chris Barrie can be often seen looking off-camera for McBeech's approval. Some attribute the increasing amount of bullshit administration, beaurocracy, and "Tape, Red, Roll Thereof" prevalent throughout the Army as all part of McBeech's Grand Plan. It was also during this Training Command period that McBeech completed his Doctorate in "Pole-smoking, Buck-passing, Back-stabbing, Pole-vaulting Over Mouse Shit, Gross Incompetence & Hypocrisy". He also received a notable mention for excelling at self-defecation upon sight of a red-tab officer.

With the replacement of ADM Barrie as CDF by GEN Peter Cosgrove (who actually had been on real operations and was therefore immune to the siren-song and shameless self-promotion of McBeech), the influence of McBeech began to steadily decline within the upper echelons of the ADF. McBeech therefore realised that the greatest hope for the Australian Army to be remade in his own mighty image was for him to go to the source; a return to the Army Recruit Training Centre, where his popular antics as a subaltern are now legend throughout even the civilian mess staff (a classic example is a well-documented incident involving McBeech riding a DZ bike over the bar in the Officer's Mess at 3 RAR; apparently the CO thought it was "cool"). This posting for McBeech was particularly poignant as he was offered sub-unit command at his beloved 3 RAR; however, in a selfless display of altruism Justin allowed a somewhat incompetent mate from his glory days in the battalion to take this posting instead, as "he needed it more". Also at the forefront of his mind was, as always, the knowledge that should he be captured by the enemy on "real" operations overseas the capability of his beloved Army would degrade to the point of non-existence. The war was effectively over for the now-Major McBeech.

(Note: some subersive elements within the Army have circulated the insidious notion that McBeech was in fact posted to an ineffectual non-deployable unit due to the fact that he is a shit operator who can't pass a BFA and has earned the loathing of every individual who has ever had the misfortune to work with him. Another vicious rumour simply states that in the opinion of DOCM-A McBeech was stealing good oxygen. Both of these are emphatically not the case; every officer and NCO who works for McBeech worships him as a god and will testify to his prowess and ability to provide as much top cover as a mosquito net in a thunderstorm.)

"OC Charlie"

McBeech quickly began smashing the paradigm of recruit training; the Commanding Officer of the 1st Recruit Training Battalion immediately recognised the value of this talented and inventive individual, inviting him to review procedures and create more paperwork for the slack, fat and lazy subalterns. For McBeech this was an offer that he could not refuse; an opportunity to completely revolutionise the conduct of turning civilians into soldiers. To date he has made the following ground-breaking and much-lauded achievements over 12 months:

Having epic orders groups of the duration to require participants bring their DP1 and two days of rations, to test the endurance and patience (Patience: defined as the ability to put up with patronising bullshit) of his junior officers

Standardising the layout of the recruits' notice boards within C Coy (and threatening to charge members of staff who put notices on notice boards)

Standardising the layout of "warry" posters within the C Coy hallways

Instituting Performance Appraisal Report cross-levelling conferences

Changing accepted Service Punctuation on at least two occasions

It was while posted to McBeech's true beaurocratic powers became apparent, and became the subject of what can only be referred to as a cult of personality. His ability to delegate tasks is legendary; it is rumoured that McBeech surpassed the old HQ TC-A delegation record in his first month at 1RTB by delegating more than thirty tasks to overworked lieutenants in three hours (including of course the email history ordering him to carry out said tasks personally). Of particular note is the man's ability to designate even his report-writing on subordinates to the actual subordinates themselves. Though no NCO or junior officer of course ever stays past 1600 or works weekends (so they are unable to verify this), it is said that the man works tirelessly until 2000 every night. It is testament to the skills McBeech learned in Special Forces that on those rare occasions when a subaltern happens to work after hours (giving a lesson, assuming responsibility for all of a recruit's personal problems, typing in spreadsheets of nebulous purpose and relevance, administering "uppercuts" to themselves for heinous admin crimes committed throughout the day), none have actually seen him in his office past 1605. Truly astonishing camouflage and concealment. Legend within the company tells of him crouched over his computer until the witching hour, viewing the screen through night-vision so as not to have a light on in his office.

The Future of McBeech

But what does the future hold for Doctor Major Sir McBeech? Whispers have been heard across the ADF as to his intentions. Some say the man has not yet received his posting to Command and Staff College because he is being promoted directly to brigadier; others that he has decided the military is not worthy of his beaurocratic talents, and will leave to pursue private interests elsewhere. In places so secret that they cannot be named here rumours have circulated that none other than the elusive Osama bin Laden himself is next on McBeech's list for a dreaded MS Outlook Meeting Request and subsequent "I'm very disappointed" speech.

"Let me give you an example...."

While so many things could be said about this great man, perhaps they can only truly be expressed in his own words:

"XXXX, it's the OC.... time now is....."

"mate, I need you to come in from home and do a QA. It needs to be done tonight, but you can leave it on my desk and I'll get it in the morning."

"and then... I pasted him!"

"Let me give you an example...."

"This one time, at 3 RAR"

"In DFSW Pl, when we did the Javelin trial"

"In Eritrea, when I saw pink mist....."

"I was trained as a master swordsman..."

"SITREPS. ACK."

"Get him in a headlock, force him down in front of a computer, and make him write his SITREP"

"I wrote the pam"

"When I was a subbie at 1RTB"

"I need you to change that Record of Conversation"

"Have you heard about the new Commodore?"

"I can't make it, I have physio"

"HERRRR HERRRRRRRR HERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR" (to achieve best effect in emulating the laugh, twiddle fingers of one hand simultaneously)