Portal:Literature
As the generally accepted definition of literature today hugs folktales to its warm bosom, we might well conclude that literature began with one frightened caveman grunting (see language) his fears to his fellows by firelight. This, however, would be wrong. Scurrying, short and bitter academics in dank bare cells have clinically proven that 'literature' is caused by writing down things which never happened and which afflict the reader with acute boredom , in some cases literally boring the victim to death.
Today, the study of literature remains a major academic discipline at nearly every educational institution around the world, often being the most heavily required class for graduation. This is because academics have declared that finding themes (which the author totally intended to put in the work) is far more important than learning first aid, basic home and auto repair, or how to do your taxes. However, there is one major benefit to the study of literature: without it, as many as half of the jokes in your favorite TV shows would fly right over your head. (See more...)
Nineteen Eighty-Four (also known as 1984) is a novel written by visionary George Orwell way back when men were traveling by horse and oliphant. It depicts a world of totalitarianism where an evil entity, known as the Party, ruthlessly rules over everyone and everything. It was originally written on holly wood tree bark and moose skin until someone discovered the magnificent work and published it when the technology became available.
For those of you who have not read the book, never mind this article, stop reading right now and go on with your lives. There's nothing to see here. This book doesn't exist, it never existed. Cleanse your memory, reboot yourself and don't forget to show up to work tomorrow. For those who did read the book, go back to Room 101 to get your electroshocks and learn to think like the Party wants you to. You'll eventually realize that 2+2=5. Right before the Party shoves you in a barrel full of acid and vaporizes you into thin air. At least they'll let you chose between mint and strawberry scent. (See more...)
Why did I eat a bucket full of beans?
The merchant said it came from dusty Spain;
So sav'ry yet, like stabs from shadow'd fiend:
It leaves me in a hurricane of pain.
My sphincter cries in anguish from the spice,
Too cloying was the sauce, so fiery red;
Before the pain I would have 'et it twice,
And now the beans awake my colon's dread.
I sit upon a bucket full of shit,
A stench so foul, a soup of red and green;
To sit and shit for hours with no quit,
My anus wet from spewing muddy steam!
The beans were truly foe disguised as friend,
Yet somehow, I shall eat those beans again.
Joseph Conrad you say? Heh, I knew such a man once, he was, what you might call... a Pole. Therein lies the problem you see, for he was not what might be described as a thin rounded piece of wood, perhaps adorned with a flag, perhaps not. Nor was he an extremity of an axis through a sphere. No! Begad good sir! He was a native of Poland. You see now, he was an impenetrable mystery, that Conrad—always cadging for blow too, but that's another story. Wait, no it isn't.
His early life you say? Well, 'tis presumptuous to assume I would provide you with this particular chap's tale. Yes, I may be an old seaman, but yarn spinning is not my forte good sir. No indeed, one can probably tell from my unsophisticated vernacular that I—Marlow, a man of humble origins and humble endings—would have such skills. But Conrad, my God man, he had eyes that could pierce a man's soul; his lips were thin and pale like eels; his very skull seemed to cry "I am depressed!" or something of that nature. One night he came to me in my quarters, screaming (and I quote): "Marlow! Marlow! It is my fate that I should wander these halls like a ghost, festering away my... genius! Why should such a man as you presume yourself beneficiary to this ship eh? What? Speak up man!" (End quote.) Needless to say I was startled, not least because than man was fully nude. My word. Crack is one hell of a drug, I could tell you that twice, but I shan't for brevity is man's saving grace and I shan't waste your time dilly-dallying hither and thither with no clear end in sight, indeed that would be a tedious practice for all parties involved, not least myself, or any other party for that matter. (See more...)
LAS VEGAS, Nevada – In a surprising move, acclaimed American author and journalist Hunter S. Thompson has admitted to taking banned drugs at the peak of his career. Thompson, who died in 2005, finally admitted to ingesting a potentially lethal cocktail of banned substances during the late 1960s and "pretty much all of" the 1970s - the period many acknowledge as the peak of his achievements - during a post-mortem interview with our UnNews reporters.
During the period in question, Thompson wrote the series of books that made his name, and most critics agree he "knocked them right out of the park". Thompson himself has stated that he took the drugs "purely for health benefits", and asserts that they "had no effect on my writing - there's no pill in existence that gives you the mind-brain co-ordination required to write a great novel". Prominent critics are lining up to disagree, with one stating "Thompson might assert that the drugs didn't affect his writing, but give me a break - the giant lizard people, the bats, the creeping paranoia, it's amazing no-one suspected this before!" (See more...)
| “ | Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. | ” |
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