User:§ǚρωξλ£μĦΦφ≈€ƏξßÐÆØΞ/The Presidents as Children
The United States Presidents are a collective of the finest men of all time, except for that one insufferable Clinton fellow. These men have each led the Greatest Country of All Time at some time or another, and each has a unique story to tell. BUT - did you know - each and every one of these presidents was at one time an adorable, childish ragamuffin - except for that damned, conniving Clinton? Indeed, they were! And now, for the first time, witness the lives of these brave leaders... before they became presidents!
George Washington[edit | edit source]
George Washington was the first president ever after the break away from Britain, and therefore automatically the best. Everyone knows his childhood story. You know, the tale in which George Washington chops down his father's cherry tree, and, when questioned, says "I cannot tell a lie," and confesses the whole thing? Well, ironically, this story itself is a lie, fabricated by some guy named Parson Weems. However, after hearing this tale years later George Washington's elderly father, Augustine "Gus" Washington, found the adult George, punched out his teeth, cried, kicked him in the shin, cried some more, sat down, and had a heart attack, and died.
Another interesting chapter in George Washington's life was his birthday, because nobody knows when it was. Some say it was February 11, others say it was February 21. Today, historians believe that, due to a Time Travel Paradox, George Washington was born on the third Monday of February, whatever date that may be, and that that day is also Abraham Lincoln's birthday. People would be confused and complain, but they don't care because it's a federal holiday.
James Madison[edit | edit source]
Everyone has heard of James Madison, but few know of his early life and - wait. You say you've never heard of James Madison? Fourth president? Founding Father? Father of the United States Constitution? Creator of the checks-and-balances governmental system? Grand prize winner for "Largest Gourd" at the 1781 Virginia State Fair? No? Huh. Well, we'll blame the Public School system and just skip him then. It's a shame, too. Very fascinating young lad.