Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:TheLedBalloon/Science Fair
User:TheLedBalloon/Science Fair[edit source]
Well, the text is mostly done, I think. How is it? Is the topic of a high school science fair accessible enough? Also, I can't really think of any ideas for more images. Suggestions? Scratch that, I got a couple idears. I'll stick em on the page shortly... Anyways, feedback is very much appreciated. Be gentle... ;) - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon 
(Tick Tock) (Contribs) 20:13, Oct 12
| Humour: | 6 | The jokes are there...but for me, the delivery needs work. See endnotes. |
| Concept: | 7 | It's a short story, not an article on the subject of science fairs. Given that, it's a decent concept. |
| Prose and formatting: | 6 | This is a difficult call for me to make. See endnotes. |
| Images: | 7 | Appropriate pictures. |
| Miscellaneous: | 7 | I hope this works out. |
| Final Score: | 33 | |
| Reviewer: | ----OEJ 21:17, 12 October 2007 (UTC) | |
Endnotes: The prose is technically good. The grammar is correct, but there are -- I guess I would call them infelicities: spots where an unhappy word-choice injures the piece. For example, there are a couple of places in the last sections where sentences begin with "With that..." or "With reluctance...". I'd change or delete some of them. Would the sentence mean the same thing without them? If so, they are unnecessary and, as Strunk and White tell us, writers should "eschew verbiage".
Second, I might eschew italics for dialogue. I think modern practice is to put dialogue inside double quotes (single quotes in the UK) but leave it in standard typeface. Another common format is to put spoken lines in their own paragraphs where possible, especially when the speaker changes, setting it off from descriptive or narrative passages. I'm going to do a nasty little thing and mention one of my own articles -- Labrador retriever -- and refer you to the sections titled "The Plan Takes Shape", "Plan One: Bananas and Pie", and "Plan Two: The Labrador Retriever". These are mixed dialogue and narrative and are formatted the way I conceive the (admittedly loose) standard for such passages.
For me, the delivery needs work. What you have here is a story told in the first-person. (The voice used reminds me a bit of Patrick McManus.) In my (lousy amateur) experience I have to either happen on a voice right at the beginning (luck) or spend quite a lot of time rewriting a piece until a voice comes clear. The voice in this article seems to me not quite there yet. It seems a little bit stilted, a little unnatural...and a joke told unconvincingly often falls flat.
Good luck on this piece -- you've done a lot of work on it. I hope it gets better and better.
----OEJ 21:17, 12 October 2007 (UTC)