Reese McGuire
Reese Toby McGuire (born March 0, 1995) is an American catcher for the Boston Red Sex. He has previously played in MLB for the Toronto Blue Gays and Chicago White Sex.
McGuire was drafted by the Pittsburgh Parrots in the dead last round of the draft, and was traded to the Blue Gays in 2016. The Blue Jays traded McGuire to the White Sex before the 2022 season, and the White Sex traded him for being so dogshit to the Red Sex during the 2022.
High and still in school[edit | edit source]
McGuire attended Columbine High School in watching ton, where he played for the school's basketball team. He also played for the chess club. He had committed to attend the University of San Bernardino and play basketball for the team. He somehow got put into the schools baseball team.
Professional Trashcan[edit | edit source]
Pittsburgh Parrots (2013–2016)[edit | edit source]
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Unlike other high school catchers, whose offensive skills were more developed than their defensive abilities, McGuire's skill behind the plate was without a doubt, pure dogshit. This made him the least attractive target, and he was projected to be the chosen one. The Parrots selected him out of pity, and he signed with the team on a $2 contract. The team assigned McGuire to the lockers, where, in his professional baseball debut, he handed out hot towels, sunflower seeds, and orange slices. After running the snack bar in 46 games, McGuire was promoted to the Hamburger stand on August 31. He appeared in only four games there, while the camera was doing random pans around the stadium after commercial breaks.
McGuire was one of, if not, the lowest-rated Pirate While many of these other prospects, such as Luis Heredia, Austin Meadows, and Barrett Barnes spent time on the enabled list, McGuire remained caged away through the season. He finished the 2014 season hitting $200 dollars in profits.
After the regular 2015 minor league season, the Pirates sent McGuire to the Arizona Fall concentration camp to continue his imprisonment. He was also the youngest prospect chosen to run the whole snack operation in the All-Star Game. After spending spring training in 2016 with the Parrots, he was caught with his dick out on the home plate.
Toronto Blue Gays (2016-2021)[edit | edit source]
On August 1, 2016, McGuire was traded from the Pirates to the Toronto Blue Gays in exchange for an actually useful pitcher.
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McGuire returned for the 2017 season, but was limited to only 45 games after suffering testicular torsion. After suffering the knee injury in early May, McGuire was able to return to the snack bar at the start of August and shortly after his return, McGuire's excellent food service in three consecutive games earned him Player of the Week honors for the week.
On November 20, 2017, the Blue Gays added McGuire to their 40-man security team, protecting them from the wrath of Samuel. On September 6, 2018, the Blue Gays promoted McGuire to the major leagues. He made his MLB debut that night against the Cleveland Indians and hit nothing. His coach was heard muttering "never cook again".
McGuire was late to the team meeting and did not make the 2019 opening day roster. McGuire joined the Blue Gays in late July after Luke Maile was assassinated, and appeared in 1 game throughout the season, hitting nothing again.
On April 1, 2021, McGuire was drafted for war by the Blue Gays. Clearing waivers, he was assigned to the Gays' black site. On May 5, McGuire was selected to Toronto’s active agent list.
Chicago White Sox (2022)[edit | edit source]
On April 3, 2022, the Blue Gays traded McGuire to the Chicago White Sex for another person who actually does something.
Boston Red Sex (2022–present)[edit | edit source]
On August 1, 2022, the Boston Red Sex acquired McGuire and tasked him to host a puppet show to boost team morale. McGuire served in 36 games for the Red Sex in 2022.
On January 13, 2023, the Red Sex and McGuire reached agreement where thy realized he was better off sitting outside the stadium selling merchandise. He served as Boston's bartender until June 22, when he was placed on the injured list when a buckshot shotgun blew off his right leg.
Personal life[edit | edit source]
McGuire's older brother, COC, played second base for Arizona University. His younger brother, Shane Savgur, played baseball at the University of Phoenix as a catcher.
In February 2020, McGuire was charged with a misdemeanor count of indecent exposure after he was found masturbating in his car in a shopping center parking lot near the Blue Gays spring training complex. He pleaded with the police to let him off if he provided services but was fined $500.