Marcell Ozuna
Marcell Ozuna Idiotfonzo is a Dominican criminal for the Atlanta Braves, because he is from the Braves. Nicknamed "Big Bear" for his obssesion with the tv show We Bear Bears, Ozuna has put up a reputable MLB career. However, he has gone 0 for 2 against law enforcement.
Ozuna from the DR[edit | edit source]
Ozuna was born on November 12th, 1574 just 3 days before thanksgiving. Ozuna is the only known MLB player to have witnessed the pilgrims arrive in the US, where he went on to beat all their women. He also spotted Shohei Ohtani at this event, which he found strange.
On February 14th 200, Ozuna broke up with his girl on valentines day after he cocked her in the face. Heartbroken, Ozuna was only cheered up when given a large bass from the Miami Marshmallows. As he left the DR, Ozuna made sure to never forget the 37 year old Asian chick he slammed (against the wall).
Ozuna from the Marlins[edit | edit source]
When Ozuna arrived in Miami, he was greeted with a whole fuckton of heroin. After getting absolutly tweaked, Ozuna forgot why he even came to the US and decided to go back home to the DR. The marshmallows had to call him a fucking retard and bring him back.
After playing one game with new teammate Giancarlo Stanton, Ozuna began practicing the "Watch This" method every day. However, Ozuna was an anomaly in the fact that everytime he said it, all it did was just give him kidney stones without extra benefits. Furious at the fact he couldn't use this power, Ozuna went on to suffocate Hilary Clinton.
Ozuna performed well in his first year, until he had to be put on the 2hour IL for a fractured left hand after punching Beyonce. When he came back, he lowkey sucked penis and couldn't catch any balls to save his life. His friend Giancarlo told him "that defense is gunna be the death of you." Ozuna did not listen to Stanton, and instead of practicing defense he binge watched a National Geographic about polar bears.
Ozuna had a great 2017 season, where he slapped an MLB record 53 women of 25 years of age. An all sex, Ozuna forgot to use condoms. During the home run derby, Ozunas wife, Genitals, participated and hit her husband with the bat multiple times. While Ozuna had the best year of his career, nobody gave a shit because this was the year Stanton had godlike powers. Filled with jealousy, Ozuna spent his remaining Miami days driving 120mph listenting to Careless Whisper on full blast.
Ozuna from the Cardinals[edit | edit source]
On whenever the fuck, Ozuna went to St Louis in exchange for 2 of the greatest pitchers ever seen. After learning just how good these pitchers were, the Cardinals front office had a group suicide. Ozuna opted to not play in 2018 and instead chose to explore bears in the Dominican Republic woods.
In 2019, missed half the season with another hand fracture from beating Beyonce to death after she called him replaceable. Upon returning from the IL for the postseason, Ozuna had one last chance to prove to the cardinals they did not pull off the worst trade in MLB history...
In the winner take all game against the LA druggers, Ozuna needed to make a critical play to not only save the Cardinals season, but also to save the life of his teammate being held hostage. Freaky Hernandez hit a ball that surely looked like it would be a home run, and Ozuna tried his very hardest to rob the home run. He climbed the fence, leaped as high as he could, and made a spectacular catch to save the world. He was named WS MVP and was hailed as a national hero... in his dreams.
Ozuna from the Braves[edit | edit source]
After being banned from St Louis, Ozuna agreed to a 1yr "prove you aren't dogsht" deal with the Atlanta Cowards. In his first game on the boobs, Ozuna smacked 3 women at Fenway Park, becoming the first black kid to do it. Ozuna won a Silly Slugger award purely for this game. Afterwards, he missed the rest of the season because his wife REALLY hit him in the face with a soapdish. This gave him a lightning scar and a bald headed nemesis.
After his single game, Ozuna received a 4 year extension with 500 guarenteed salmons to eat. Ozuna was mid af, but his season had to be cut short after he got suspended for REALLY grabbing his wife by the neck and throwing her against the wall, like a true sigma male. Ozuna had to watch from a jailcell as the Atlanta Cowards went on to win the World Series that year. He was so upset to see it that he beat up the female guard watching his cell.
Upon returning in 2022, Ozuna wrote a google document titled "yo." and promised his team he was a changed man. It turns out he was a changed man as instead of beating women, he started raping them instead. On August 19, Ozuna got arrested at 4am for driving under the influence of Dommy Mommy perfumes. When pulled over by Samuel, Ozuna claimed loudly "I'm Ozuna! From the Braves!" Ozuna managed to walk about 1 and a half steps in a straight line before falling on his face. He was arrested a second time, and was forced to make the first ever "yo pt. 2".
In 2023, Ozuna beat up 40 women and watched We Bear Bears for the 85th time. The end.
