Lada

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Lada, the dream car (until you wake up)
Lada Racing Limited Edition (Very, very limited)
Lada Convertible (actually Lada Converted)
Lada Luxury Stretch Limo

Lada is a type of partly automated carriage originating from the Soviet-"Union". The human rights champion Iosef Stalinski wanted to give the impression that Russians could build more than nuclear bombs and AK Rifles, so he ordered his troops to make a copy of the best technology he could find, which was an Italian FIAT 124 with the engine ripped out of it.

Lada carriages are to some degree, self propelled. In 1974, a team of Russian troops managed to move a Lada from Stalingrad to Leningrad with only minimal assistance from a relatively limited number of horse owners.

Russians are state mandated to believe consider Lada to be one of the finest in Russian automabiles, and Ladas can be seen leading most car queues.

Lada production has led to a strong increase in turnover in the Russian economy, especially mechanical repair workshops.

Advantages[edit | edit source]

These are considered to be the main advantages of Lada carriages:



Disadvantages[edit | edit source]

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. In both cases, it is annoying.

There are often problems with the engine. There are often problems with the exterior parts. There are often problems with the interior parts. There are often problems with the rest. But apart from that, it may work well, for some time.

In case of an accident, remember to attempt to inflate the airbag[1] before you pass out.

You have to pay tax and insurance for a Lada carriage just like if it had been a car.

Popular Pimpage[edit | edit source]

It is possible to connect a Lada to a car stereo. The longer distance there is between the Lada and the car stereo, the less disturbances you will have on the car stereo. Remember to add a proper power supply to the car stereo, and also one for the Lada.

Some Ladas have knitted curtains, which many consider to be a luxury feature. This add-on nearly doubles the value of the carriage, and triples the price.

Sawing a Lada turns it into an incredibly economical "motor"cycle.

Ladas sometimes have a heated rear windshield, as a service to those who push the car in the cold winter (and in Russia also spring, summer and fall).

With a baking plate and some baskets, it can be used as a baking oven in the summer and as a freezer in the winter.

The most popular pimping option is to add one horse power.

Lada, trimmed with 1 hp extra

Some Lada owners choose to fill the gas tank, on the rare chance that the car actually starts, however most owners consider this to be a cosmetic change only.

Cargo version for heavy loads[edit | edit source]

Cargo version

A Lada can be delivered with a small gardening spade in the luggage compartment.

Military version[edit | edit source]

Lada Ukrainska

Most main battle tanks used by the peace-saving Russian forces that so lovingly murder, destroy and plunder in Ukraine, seem to be converted Ladas, which are known by their codename "Lada Ukrainska." They have a similar top speed, similar popularity among the locals, and a similar durability (a few months until they explode). The only difference appears to be the introduction of a parking brake and an 80mm cannon situated directly where the cupholders would be on the civilian model.

Export slogan[edit | edit source]

Lada, a car for life!

(Yes, in Russian propaganda, a Lada carriage is referred to as a "car". And if you end up having a Lada carriage for some reason, there is very little risk of somebody buying it, stealing it, accepting it as a gift or accepting it at a waste recycling center)

Specifications[edit | edit source]

  • Engine: Technically, Yes.
  • Top speed: 80 mph[2]
  • Passengers: Three, in addition to the driver is enough, since the carriage is relatively easy to push
  • Instruction manual: 4 pages, plus the bus schedule for a chosen city

Dangers[edit | edit source]

Be careful to keep Ladas away from chewing gum; they can get stuck.

Never use rust remover spray near a Lada. It might disappear.

Do not unleash your dissatisfied rage directly on the Lada, it may maul you. Studies show that 60% of all people who died in a Lada-related accident provoked the Lada first.

Production facilities[edit | edit source]

The Lada factories are organized into teams of three: One to cut, one to fold, and one to glue.

Smoke breaks are every 30 minutes.

Social consequences[edit | edit source]

Introduction of Lada has led to an upturn in religion, with people hoping for a miracle that their "car" starts.

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. This is actually just a bag of hay. The only reason it is referred to as an "airbag" is due to popular terminology.
  2. Remember that Russia uses the metric system, so "mph" in Russian means "meters per hour"