Portal:History

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The Hisory Portal

The authoritative guide to history... well, at least they used to be.

History is a form of propaganda dedicated to ensuring that people continue to hear the messages of two key groups: 1, the Nazis; and 2, the Confederacy.

Anything that does not pertain to the Nazis or the Confederacy is probably not history. The rest of the planet outside America and Nazi Germany considers this bloody annoying, except for France, who in Modern World History books, as a tribute to their pathetic military history, have been given countless sections. And we all know the only significant contribution of the French to modern civilisation is the Baguette.

This is shown by the fact that 88% of all history ever written has something to do with Adolf Hitler, German attempts to build an atomic bomb, the Battle of Gettysburg, Confederate efforts to build a useful submarine, and the fateful day that Rudolph Hess used the Fuhrer's time machine to go back and bring Stonewall Jackson to what was then the future to ensure a Nazi victory over the Empire of the Moon during World War II. (Full article...)

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We knew he was trying to compensate for something...

VALLEY OF THE KINGS, Egypt -- In a recent discovery by scientists lurking in old Egyptian tombs, King Tut's penis, which was admittedly passed over quite a bit during examinations, appeared to be missing from its usual place. His Johnson, originally noted to be worth around $50,000 USD, was initially believed to be stolen for its worth and great value. However, these scientists have concluded that his penis was taken some time ago due to its small size.

"We know this is a great shock to everyone, and we request that you all stay mature in a powerful situation like this," said English scientist Ben Dover in response to some local Egyptian middle schoolers' mixed reactions to the announcement. "We never really paid attention to it—until now that is. It really was quite small."

Why his testicles were so small has sparked debates among many top experts around the world. Earlier this year, scientists discussed what might have caused the death of King Tut at such a young age. Swiss researchers brought up the theory that he possibly had a deadly, yet unknown disease that also made his penis small, but that has been dismissed due to the theory's apparent homosexuality.

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Article credit: Paizuri

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Just another day of philosophical debates between Jedi Socrates and Darth Plato.

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Image credit: Xiao Li

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Quote of the Day

“History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided.”
~ Konrad Adenauer

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Highlighted Biography

Contemporary artist's rendition...

(January 11, 1755 or 1757 – July 12, 1804) was the first (and last) United States Secretary of the Treasury to be killed in a duel. He was also one of the Founding Fathers of the United States, a lawyer and street judge, and a slave-owner. An all-around good guy. As an occasional pot smoker he suffered from chronic bronchitis; this led to the founding of the dads and they all smoked pot together.

As butler to General George Washington during the War of Colonial Aggression against Great Britain, Hamilton called for a new Constitution. He wrote, like, almost all of the Federalist Papers, a primary source for Constitutional repression. He was opposed by other Founding Fathers, namely all of the ones who didn't like uppity, philandering bastards.

Today, Hamilton is on the U.S. $29 bill, a testament to America's appreciation for adulterous dueling bastards who are good with fiscal policy.

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Did You Know...

… at the age of 18, the Queen of England was a mechanic for the British Military.

… in the 17th century, anvils were actually made of wood?

… the last time American green cards were actually green was in 1964.

… a baboon named Jackie became a private in the South African army in WW1

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This Day in History

May 26 1862: President Lincoln signs into law the Homeless Act. This allows middle class americans with no money to steal over 160 acres from the poor.

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