Portal:History

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The History Portal
Did Hitler build the pyramids?

The History of the World is the history of humanity from the earliest times to the present, in all places on Earth. Or in short, it's all about stuff that happened while there was someone around smart enough to notice that stuff was happening. At first they were iletterite, and passed their memories on using oral tradition, which disappointingly does not relate to the transference of information via oral sex.

Finally someone worked out how to read, and someone else worked out how to write, and recorded history was then born. History can also come from other sources such as archaeology, which involves digging stuff up and making up stories about it. Despite this being a recognised field of science, it is not suggested that you dig up deceased relatives and give them personalities created from your own psychosis.

Human history starts back with the early Stone Age–or the Paleolithic–known as such as that was the time mankind started using stone tools, not because they were regularly stoned. That had to wait until the Neolithic Era and the invention of agriculture (and beer!), thence the invention of animal husbandry. (See more...)

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U.S.–Mexico Border, c. 2025

An old Spanish mission near San Antonio swelters in the swooning Texas heat, surrounded on all sides by over 2,000 Mexican troops under the command of the charismatic devil-spawn known as General Antonio López de Santa Anna. Inside the mission, 260 soldiers of the Republic of Texas know that there is no hope for survival. Their defeat is imminent. Death stares at them, unblinking. But the brave soldiers hold their ground, steadfast in the face of an enemy that crushingly outnumbers them.

They carry with them a fighting spirit that will later lead their fellow countrymen to brilliant victory at the Battle of San Jacinto. Though this battle will last only thirteen days, its legacy will resound through the months to come, rallying the Texan Revolutionaries to fight ever-stronger for their cherished ideals of justice, freedom of religion, freedom of expression... and the right to beat an African slave within an inch of his goddamned life. This is not merely a siege where one side is pelted with canon and musket fire until they are worn down, dehydrated, starved, infected with typhoid fever, used as piñatas for Día de los Muertos festivities and then thrown to the dogs—this is the Battle of the Alamo. (See more...)

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Socrates, known Jedi Master, was known for his verbal and lightsaber battles with his once-pupil, Darth Plato.
Image by Xiao Li
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Attila the Hun (?410-453) (Ukrainian: Гатило, Hatylo), a short killer with a short and easily remembered name, has retained his notoriety as one of the bloodiest mass murderers in history. He made men shit in their togas, bar the doors to churches and look up to heaven for help. To the historians of that era he was Satan's Little Helper, evil in a sheepskin coat, man who sharpened his teeth into points and enjoyed his fearsome reputation that people paid him wagons loads of booty not to kill them.

So what was Attila the Hun really like? Is he just a misunderstood leader of a displaced mass of people, unjustly labelled 'barbarian' and 'hideous' by the writers and chroniclers of the time?? Is it time for a reappraisal and 'Hug a Hun' instead??? Now we can unpeel the bloody legends surrounding Attila. Step in front of the mirror Mr Hun and have a good look at yourself. (Gok Wan..are you reading this?)

In Hungary, Attila is a national hero. He was the gut slasher of a corrupt Roman Empire that needed a thorough wash through to create the modern Europe. An anti-elitist warrior who broke the Dominate of Rome. Was therefore Attila a philanthropist, a vicious one? (See more...)

Did You Know?
  • ... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time?
  • ... that the great Wall Street Crash of 1929 led to many opportunities for great photography of homeless people and farmers covered in dust the following years?
  • ... that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
  • ... that Pope Francis was the first Pope to ever lay eyes on a woman?
  • ... that Horatio Nelson, 1st Viscount Nelson, was famous for his brilliant strategy of firing where the enemy ship will be, rather than where it is?
This Day in History
Imma fish bitch blub blub motherfucker.

February 4: Nobody Does Anything Interesting Day

  • 220 AD - Emperor Cao Cao of the Han Dynasty, knowing the end is near, has the imperial chef make him his favorite sandwich.
  • 1142 - Starving peasants in medieval Germany continue to starve.
  • 1877 - Charles Dickens has severe constipation, contemplates going to the doctor.
  • 1943 - Hitler finds some time out of his day to play with his dog Blondi.
  • 1968 - Lyndon B. Johnson drinks some really bad coffee, tells his wife.
  • 1977 - Eric Clapton orders a tuna sandwich from the deli but is given egg salad instead, doesn't notice until he gets home.
  • 2004 - Mark Zuckerberg invents the Facebook status, now people can be uninteresting whenever they want.
  • 2008 - Parliament forces non-electric cars to drive in a place that is not in London.
  • 2017 - Mike in HR spreads butter on a burnt piece of toast on purpose. Many speculate him to be completely batshit insane.
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