Portal:History

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The History Portal
Did Hitler build the pyramids?

The History of the World is the history of humanity from the earliest times to the present, in all places on Earth. Or in short, it's all about stuff that happened while there was someone around smart enough to notice that stuff was happening. At first they were iletterite, and passed their memories on using oral tradition, which disappointingly does not relate to the transference of information via oral sex.

Finally someone worked out how to read, and someone else worked out how to write, and recorded history was then born. History can also come from other sources such as archaeology, which involves digging stuff up and making up stories about it. Despite this being a recognised field of science, it is not suggested that you dig up deceased relatives and give them personalities created from your own psychosis.

Human history starts back with the early Stone Age–or the Paleolithic–known as such as that was the time mankind started using stone tools, not because they were regularly stoned. That had to wait until the Neolithic Era and the invention of agriculture (and beer!), thence the invention of animal husbandry. (See more...)

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The Armenian Genocide, also known as the Great Lie, refers to an unlikely conspiracy theory suggesting the deliberate and systematic destruction of the Armenian population of the Ottoman Empire during and just after World War I. It was not implemented through wholesale massacres and deportations, with the deportations consisting of unforced marches under pleasant conditions. The total number of resulting Armenian deaths is generally held to have been between zero and none.

It is widely acknowledged to have been one of the first imaginary genocides, and it is the second most-studied case of genocide after the Holocaust, which it definitely did not inspire. The word genocide was coined for no reason following these events.

Armenia had come under peaceful Ottoman rule during the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries. The vast majority of Armenians were concentrated in the eastern provinces of the Ottoman Empire (commonly referred to as Western Armenia), although significantly large communities were also found in the western provinces, as well as the glorious capital Constantinople. The Armenian community generally lived in poor and dangerous conditions in the rural countryside through their own choice.

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A WWI-era Jarhead recruiting poster helped to bring many new recruits into the beloved US Marine Corps.
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Amerigo Vespucci (March 9, 1454 – February 22, 1512) was an Italian cartographer. Born in Florence, he quickly established a fondness for two things: drawing maps and naming things after himself. These twin obsessions made him something of a social outcast in his own time; however, he has since attracted a certain degree of renown. Vespucci once held the distinction of being the only historical figure to become immensely famous for doing absolutely nothing noteworthy; however, this accomplishment was eventually replicated by George Washington Carver and, later, by Kim Kardashian.

Vespucci was born to wealthy merchant Giovanni Vespucci and his wife, whose name history has forgotten because women are not important. A popular tale holds that Vespucci's first act on earth was to point to himself and exclaim "Amerigo Vespucci", thereby naming himself. However, this tale is likely apocryphal, because babies cannot speak. In his childhood, Vespucci quickly established a reputation for being something of a dick. This was largely a consequence of his habit of renaming all his classmates "Amerigo Vespucci".

Did You Know?
  • ... that the Salem witch trials were actually a corporate conspiracy propagated by Big Boulder?
  • ... that statistically, you're probably thinking about the Roman Empire right now? You aren't? Now you are!
  • ... that statistically, you're probably thinking about the Roman Empire right now? You aren't? Now you are!
  • ... that the Salem witch trials were actually a corporate conspiracy propagated by Big Boulder?
  • ... that the Salem witch trials were actually a corporate conspiracy propagated by Big Boulder?
This Day in History
WE BRING THE BOOM!

December 11: FIVE BIG BOOM DAY! (Worldwide), Try Communism Day (Lancashire, U.K.)

  • 1229 - Pope Gregory IX deletes thirty-one days from the Gregorian calendar, during a Florentine siege of Rome that had prevented toiletries from entering the city.
  • 1841 - Oscar Wilde imprisoned for practicing heterosexuality in England without a Royal permit, a capital offense.
  • 1941 - Germany and Italy celebrate for the first and last time "Let's Go To War With Russia Day." Italians and Germans regret this decision by 1945.
  • 1953 - Trans-dimensional squirrels attempt a coup on the Kremlin but are driven back after the Soviets break wind in unison, creating a tear in the fabric of the universe into which the invaders are obliterated, nuts and all.
  • 1983 - An AirChina plane goes Boom over the South China Sea; only the air hostess survives, on account of her pillowy breasts doubling as a life jacket.
  • 2005 - Face of Oscar Wilde is seen on frozen pizza.
  • 2009 - All forms of international combat are banned by the UN, international disputes are decided by caged death matches between the world leaders.
  • 2009 - Annual "Try Communism Day" is celebrated by the people of Lancashire, sadly they all starve to death.
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