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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

[The Teletubbies are eating their custard breakfast]

LAA-LAA: How many pounds of custard are we talkin' here?

DIPSY: We're talking, like... at least 500 pounds of custard in that vault.

TINKY WINKY: No shit? That's a whole lot of fuckin' custard. That would do wonders for our business, man.

PO: You guys remember that motherfucker, Noo-Noo? Little vacuum thing? Baby Sun told me he's already got information regarding the joint.

TINKY WINKY: Noo-Noo? We worked with him once and I nearly fuckin' died cause of it, remember? His goddamn battery started overheating and he almost exploded! How can we be sure he's reliable for a job as big as this?

(Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that I'm coming to get you? (Pictured)

... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?
... that Earth has 1 sextillion grains of sand?
... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
... that the bow-tie is an aphrodisiac worn by male humans which instantly increases the sexual appeal of the wearer by 16%?

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In the news [edit]

Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge (Pictured)
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · ABBA
Recent deaths: Akira Toriyama · M. Emmet Walsh · Louis Gossett Jr. · Hype around the eclipse · O. J. Simpson
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe)

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On this day [edit]

Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down...

April 23: Bring Your Penis To Work Day

303 - Deadbeat Saint George refuses to pay for his lizard children's child support.
1875 - Queen Victoria outlaws the word penis, decrees henceforth the organ shall be known as Naughty Mr. Johnson. (Pictured)
1909 - Czarina Alexandra is enraptured by Rasputin's penis, puts it in the parlor mantelpiece.
1953 - Queen Elizabeth II announces that she shall confer upon all royal penii the title of Sir.
1967 - Bono's penis is voted by readers of Us Weekly as being attached to the "World's Biggest Dick."
1968 - Flower Power is replaced by Wind Power, and all the petals are blown away...
1971 - The Rolling Stones release Sticky Penis, their first album on their own label.
1993 - Bill Clinton becomes the first USA president since JFK to bring his penis to the White House.
2008 - Your mom forgets to pack your penis in your lunchbox, You get teased the rest of the day.

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Picture of the day

Darth Vader was the only spawn of Qui-Gon-Jinn, a legendary intergalactic televangelist who made millions on the planet Naboo curing toasters of inflammation. During his reign as King of Iceland, Darth Vader often took time off to endorse a variety of things, including the Segway.

Image credit: RadicalX
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