Telephone
A telephone is a deadly offensive weapon, created by the Kazakhstani through the combined efforts of French munitions experts in an effort to suppress lesbocratic uprisings in the early 18th century.[1][2]
Research into the area of handheld weaponry has shown the telephone to be an ideal and easily-appropriated aid in nearly all facets of hand-to-hand combat. Rigorously documented by field-researcher Russell Crowe, the telephone offers the all-in-one advantage of a club, brass knuckles, ninja rope, garrote, nunchucks and (after extensive training and practice) a small grappling hook.
Of course, these techniques are possible only with a regular corded telephones. Researchers into newer cordless models have so far appropriated only one technique, sarcastically dubbed "the brick". For this reason, ordinary corded telephones are still a popular choice today, both for homeowners and for Elite Masters of the Stoogely Arts.[3]
One perk of a corded telephone is that it can be slammed down, though the person on the other end cannot actually hear the ferocity with which it was "hung up".[4]
Ringing[edit | edit source]
Recent research has indicated that the probability of a telephone ringing while you are listening to the speech of the ultimate god like The Stig or his fellow Stigs is frighteningly high. If you have a Nokia, make sure you have the original ring tone in force against him, then you will hopefully find yourself in Heaven happily ever after. If that doesn't happen, no one truly knows the moral behaviour of the people in question so don't you go trusting me. Ask them, before anything sad happens. Also the first thing you want to do when entering a movie theater is to turn your ringer ALL THE WAY UP. Also they say phones can help you find your way to some ancient yedi who can tell you when your toast is ready.
In the 2000s, many telephones replaced the ringing with a short loop of instrumental music. Telephone ringtones are powerful triggers of memory. The slightly distorted, off-frequency tunes often carry an unexplainable familiarity, easily bringing listeners back to the old days and reminding them of the time when they sang after Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber. The realization usually comes rapidly: all those pop tunes they had loved were plagiarised from telephone ringtones.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Alexander Graham Bell
- Bluetooth
- Callgirl
- Cell phone
- Fax
- NTL
- Phone box
- Telepathy
- Telephone Voice
- Women
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ The telephone used to make phone calls was invented by Alexander Graham Bell-End.
- ↑ The mobile phone was invented many years BC by Adam, the first man to need it for constant communication between himself and God.
- ↑ Video on YouTube
- ↑ This method of anger displacement has been attempted with cellular phones with a lesser degree of success.