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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Y is TEXAN, Y'ALL!!!!!. Loves to play the drums, and usually hang out with musicians. This user is a purple-spleened administrator and messing with him/her could result in a ban. Knight Commander of the Order gobshite noob UOTM. ROTFL. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that the Gay Agenda is out to get you? (Pictured)

... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
... that more people have been inside Paris Hilton, than in the Hilton in Paris?
... that goldfish are neither gold nor fish?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?
... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to America and her allies?

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In the news [edit]

Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support (Pictured)
Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · Eurovision
Recent deaths: Akira Toriyama · M. Emmet Walsh · Louis Gossett Jr. · Hype around the eclipse · O. J. Simpson
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe)

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On this day [edit]

This pun smellier than the chicken my stupid sister left in the pantry.

May 5: Cinco de Mayonnaise (Mexico)

1862 - Mexico defeats France in a drawn-out game of Risk.
1893 - New York Stock Exchange crashes, has its driving privileges suspended for a year.
1900 - Queen Victoria declares that the fish fork is henceforth the official favored piece cutlery of Great Britain.
1925 - Tennessee biology teacher John Scopes is arrested for teaching electrocution in school; is forced to teach evolution instead.
1927 - The government of South Africa declares those African clicky noises to be an official language. "It's called isiXhosa!" they click.
1989 - The United States takes some obscure Mexican holiday and fills it with cheesy gorditas. Yuck.
2014 - Greeks protest austerity, bad weather and the pebble stuck inside their left sock.
2016 - Imprisoned crime lord Joaquín "El Chapo" Guzmán receives an infamous "salted handy." ¡Ayayay!

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Picture of the day

Now we know why they look so intense, all of them.

Image credit: Gneomi
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This Uncyclopedia is written in English, supposedly. Started in 2005, it currently contains 37,654 articles. Many other parody wikis are available; some of the lamest are listed below.