Pessimism
- Before reading this article, please be aware that it will be disappointing. That's because everything is disappointing. Nothing is as good as you expected it to be, not that you would expect it to be good if you were a pessimist. But still, it's even worse than you expected, even when expecting the worst.
“Always borrow money from a pessimist.He'll never expect it back”
“Good thing about being a pessimist is that you are either bound to be pleasantly surprised, or to be right!”
“Some people think we're pessimistic, but they'll probably die.”
“Everything sucks.”
Pessimism is a belief that most things in the world suck. This is a really realistic view of the world to take, because some things are clearly more shit than others. Pessimism is often described using the crappy metaphor that a glass of water is half empty rather than half full, which is completely stupid because the glass isn't full in any case so it sucks no matter what. The water in the glass sucks too, just in case you were wondering.
History of Pessimism[edit | edit source]
One of the world's most famous pessimists was named Arthur Schopenhauer, who will be referred to as Schopenhater for the rest of this article. Schopenhater attempted to prove that this world is the worst of all possible worlds. See the quote below:
| “ | But against the palpably sophistical proofs of Leibniz that this is the best of all possible worlds, we may even oppose seriously and honestly the proof that it is the worst of all possible worlds. For possible means not what we may picture in our imagination, but what can actually exist and last. Now this world is arranged as it had to be if it were to be capable of continuing with great difficulty to exist; if it were a little worse, it would be no longer capable of continuing to exist. Consequently, since a worse world could not continue to exist, it is absolutely impossible; and so this world itself is the worst of all possible worlds. | ” |
This was Leibniz's proof that this is the best of all possible worlds.
Causes of Pessimism[edit | edit source]
Pessimism can be caused by a number of reasons, which are probably stupid reasons to be pessimistic in the first place. Want some real reasons to be pessimistic? Well, ironically enough, love is often a source of pessimism.
How about this...your lover flirts too much, but you're too afraid to confront him/her because you really want to keep your relationship alive. So, based on her openly flirtatious nature, you assume that she wouldn't mind it if you had sex with your ex-lover. Big mistake.
Your ex-lover wants you again, and s/he calls you post-sex and your current lover finds out and s/he breaks up with you. On top of your newly broken heart, you knocked up your ex-lover and are now sucked into being with him/her. Either that, or paying child support out the ass.
Or, you really like someone and want to make him/her your lover, but a friend beats you to the punch and asks them out. On top of that, they like to do their little physical things in public right in front of you.
That's what my life is like. It sucks.
I read somewhere, in some magazine while I was at the shitty dentist's office, that pessimism can cause other health problems, which usually causes more pessimism and then you die. That sucks.
For years, psychologists have been emphasizing that "optimism pwns", or something like that. Let's be real here. I submit to you, "placebo" (not the band, they suck). A placebo is defined as "a false sense of healing or treatment created by optimism and/or faith."
Now, consider for a moment that I didn't make that up, and then consider this: a placebo is nothing more than optimism. So what I'm saying is, you can create Fantasy Land with optimism. Pretend that a pill can cure you of cancer, and that you have a six-figure income, and that your wife isn't dead anymore. Then you can start riding a unicorn to work, and have tea parties with both a stuffed rabbit AND a stuffed ferret. Everybody will be so happy for you, that they'll probably fire you so you can spend more time getting help in a mental ward. It all works out.
Compare that to being pessimistic. Just try it. The phrase, "I don't give a fuck" is a good start. You'll notice you start to look and smell better because your standards of hygiene and beauty will have been decreased, as will your contact with friends, family, and that guy you see at the grocery store who you hate for a reason unknown to you, but then again, you never really communicated with him much, unless you consider the occasional stink-eye as friendship, in which case, you two have been through it all together.
As you can clearly see, optimism sucks. Or maybe it doesn't. You see, the world is a terrible place and since it's bound only to get worse, you may as well see the bright side of everything, because what the hell is it gonna do to you? You might as well be ignorantly happy rather than be informed and depressed.
Pessimism and Glasses of Water[edit | edit source]
Pessimism is a metaphor for having one's glass half-empty. To determine whether someone's glass is half-empty or half-full, they are frequently asked the question: "Are you optimistic or pessimistick?"
The difference between a half-full glass and a half-empty glass is simple: a half-full glass contains fifty percent liquid, and a half-empty glass contains fifty percent gas. In the case of a carbonated drink, the gasses injected into the liquid are counted as part of the liquid until the gas is released, in which case it is counted as a gas. Also, a solid, such as ice, is counted as a liquid.
Controversy[edit | edit source]
Various groups of people do not believe that there is a difference. According to a large group of mathematicians, there is no difference between half-empty and half-full, as they both equate to a 50:50 ratio, therefore resulting in the person being realistic. However, more-than-half-empty and more-than-half-full have been proven to be different.
Although there is another take on the optimistic-or-pessimistic theory, in which the person's glass is actually full. This theory was conjoured by a second-year student at primary school, in which the percentage is converted to a decimal (50% -> 0.5), and then rounded (0.5 up to 1.0), ending up with 100%.
Other "personalities"[edit | edit source]
| Part of an UnSeries on Misery |
|
Apathy • Calculus  |
- High: Your glass is full.
- Emo: Your glass is empty.
- Jealous: Your glass is half-empty, and everyone else's glass is half-full.
- Analitical: Your glass is half-water.
- Dishonest: Your glass is half-empty, but you say it's half-full.
- Forgetful:Your glass is spiked. Don't worry though; it still looks half-empty. Or half-full.
- Confused:Your glass is half-grue.
- Annoying:Your glass is twice as big as it needs to be to accommodate the liquid within.
- Paranoid:Your glass has water in it. Water that will poison you if you drink it. Better leave it alone. Or tell the government. WAIT, NO! They're in on it too, aren't they?!
- Common sense: Who cares? If you're that thirsty, fill it up again.
- Quantum: Your glass is in a combined state of being simultaneously half full and half empty.
- Nihilist: If the glass existed at all, it would be entirely empty.
- Glutton: You ordered a cheeseburger.
- Existential: The water is not a thing-in-itself but occurs to you as what-will-quench-thirst. Your glass is merely used as equipment. You are not yourself but rather a manifestation of Dasein; and as Dasein you feel anxst at the notion that the water will soon be gone - which makes you determined to enjoy it all the more.
- Murphy: It doesn't matter whether your glass is half full or half empty, because you're going to spill it all anyway.
- President: Your glass is half full because you decide it is, and you're the decider.
- Microsoft: An error has occurred. Windows cannot detect any glasses.
- American: Your glass is half empty with beer.
Help for Pessimists[edit | edit source]
If you are looking for help to rid yourself of your pessimist ways; stop. No one cares about you, why would the want to research your stupid condition? They'd never find a way to help either, it's hopeless like my marriage and idiotic to even attempt to rid the world of pessimism, so don't cash out 4 grand a month for a therapist, use the money to buy a expensive car or something, that'll make you feel good about yourself. Seriously.