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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

“Peter…” My mother asks me as the titles to Loose Women roll. “Why don’t you get a job?”

“But I can’t get a job mother, haven’t you heard about the economic crisis? There are no jobs!” I patronise, with only the faintest idea of what an economy might be.

“Pah!” Father pipes up re-ruffling his paper. “That’s just an excuse for those pithy paper pushing poofs. I bet you don’t even know what the economy is!”

“Sure I do, it’s, erm, the jobs ratios or—god is that the time!? I have to go!”

“Go where?” He says lowering the paper. “It's not like you have a job.”

And therefore I don't have a life, obviously. Were you actually trying be ironic there?

“When is it you’re on that cruise again?” I ask as my parting shot. Stupid retired people, they don’t want to work and get away with it! (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that there's only one word in the vocabulary of a customer service representative? (Pictured)

... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks?
... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?
... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?
... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?
... that more people have been inside Paris Hilton, than in the Hilton in Paris?
... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?

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In the news [edit]

Switzerland wins Eurovision
- Netherlands disqualified in final shocker
YouTube is dead
D.C. stink-bombed by Jihadists and Nazis
Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support (Pictured)
Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · Eurovision
Recent deaths: O. J. Simpson · Bernard Hill · Nemo's first trophy · Roger Corman · Chrissie from Jaws · Drake's "whole mans career"
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for Tesla cars · "New York Knicks suck" jokes (watch this jinx them lol)

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On this day [edit]

May 18: "We Can Eat Cows Today" Day (India)

441 BC - Oedipus Rex, after learning the awful truth about his wife/mother, kills her and marries his father instead.
218 BC - Hannibal crosses the Alps and right as he makes it to Italy, realizes he could have just taken the ferry.
1948 - Time Magazine's printing press malfunctions: time is paused for five hours and twenty-three minutes before resuming.
1975 - Humpty Dumpty falls off the Berlin Wall, all the King's horses and all the King's men are executed by Soviets for being counterrevolutionaries.
1991 - Vegetables banned from the White House after George H. W. Bush discovers illicit affair between Barbara Bush and a man with severe cerebral palsy.
2014 - You have an erotic dream about your brother, you can't stand to look at him all day.
2017 - A Tyrannosaurus rex is successfully cloned in a Chinese lab, chooses to major in business instead of man-eating to the chagrin of Jurassic Park fans.

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Picture of the day

Thermopylae was the top selling board game of the 5th Century BCE. Players compete to acquire wealth through stylized politico-economic activity involving the buying, rental, and trading of real estate using play drachma and bartering, whilst gathering groups of Perioikoi and Helots to work your land, as players take turns moving around the board according to the roll of the dice.

Image credit: Mhaille
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