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Thursday, February 5, 2026
Dear you with that unpronouncable name,
By the time you read this, I'll be at the Prancing Pony, waiting for the wizard to arrive. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but with the restraining order and everything, I was scared to use the phone again. I know this might seem like karmic kannibalism to you, seeing as we made all those plans to slowly cannibalize each other one bite at a time, but I just don't see things working out that way. I'm sorry about this — but I've been stuck in this nightmare world for months now, and writing this letter is my last chance of a wake up call. I just need more time alone. No... More time away from you. All of it, really. Yeah. That's what I mean to say. I want to tell you that I think you are ...more than passable, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a Nazi war criminal, and I am addicted to raspberry muffins. You like other men, contemplating suicide (but always being so damned indecisive), and nibbling off wires to public computers at libraries and Internet cafés, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date other people. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I find another piece of Titanic buried in my backyard. I'd really like us to become friends, but I think that won't happen. I'd rather not speak to you again, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least before we met. Take care of yourself and never forget that I have the Infinity Gauntlet and is thus the supreme being of this universe.
~ The unmentionable one. |