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Monday, December 22, 2025
Dear [insert name of recipient here],
By the time you read this, I'll be vanished into thin air. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but it's not like the world isn't going to end on December 21, 2012 anyway. I know this might seem like an omitted chapter from Dante´s Divine Comedy to you, seeing as we made all those plans to slowly fade into non-existence, but I just don't see things working out that way. I'm sorry about this — I think. I just need a bit of a laugh. I want to tell you that I think you are ...good at Scrabble, if slightly obsessed with it, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are an agnostic, and I am deaf, dumb and blind. You like flaying lambs, bobbing for old tires in the East River, and making faces at babies until they cry, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date on different continents. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I do sadistic things to your digital duplicate in The Sims 3. I'd really like us to become old without ever speaking to, or thinking of, each other ever again, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, I think. Take care of yourself and never forget the restraining order the judge issued against you.
~ Brother Eggs-over-easy. |