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Dear Cthulhu,
By the time you read this, I'll be at the White Cliffs of Dover, having much more fun than you. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but well... no, I'm not sorry. Lying was always my worst problem with you, and I'm sorry. No. No, I'm not. I know this might seem like a crappy thing to do to you, seeing as we made all those plans to kill any infidel swine who refuses to submit to the ways of the Holy Qur'an and our great prophet Muhammad (peace by upon him), but I just don't see things working out that way. I'm sorry about this — but I thought that since I've now finally managed to track you down, it might be good manners to at least write one last good-bye letter to you before I kill you. I just need to find someone who is male and breathes — and quickly. I want to tell you that I think you are dumb as a rock, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are not even real, just a Sim character I created last week in The Sims 3, and I am your Siamese twin. You like laying on the floor with all the lights off, recording your own toilet visits and sharing it on file sharing networks as MP3's wrongfully named as famous songs, and accusing comatose patients of laziness, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date each other as soon as possible, since the Internet connection on my computer isn't working, and I figured I could browse through your computer during our "date". But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I make additions to my personal list of people I intend to kill. I'd really like us to become jaded, cynical and bitter in our own different ways, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, before I decided to read through your diary last week. Take care of yourself and never forget your true place in life (which is at my feet, groveling in abject obedience).
~ The Pope. P.S. I just found out that I have AIDS. That probably means you have it too. D.S. |