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Dear <insert name here>,
By the time you read this, I'll be serving number 977. If you get here quickly enough, you might be able to get in to see me before I wash the stink of manfilth from my body and go home for the night. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but with your breath, a letter seemed the safest option. I know this might seem like a sudden change to you, seeing as we made all those plans to kill your parents and claim the life insurance money, but I just don't see things working out that way. I'm sorry about this — but another officer is at the door - I'll write more in an hour. I just need need need need need... well; I can't quite remember. I want to tell you that I think you are a real pain in the ass, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a furry, and I am suicidal. You like stomping on turtles after eating mushrooms, peeling watermelons, and writing love letters to Bob Saget, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date — oh wait, I meant to write "hate" of course. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I completely run out of other, far more important things to think about. I'd really like us to become permanently estranged, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, or so we'll pretend. Take care of yourself and never forget that pushing Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start on your keyboard may be fatal to your health.
~ Your favorite drugdealer. |