Caillou
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“My little angel could do no wrong!”
“*clenches fists**fake smiles* You're SO right. I TOTALLY agree. He's never done ANYTHING wrong in his life.”
“His mom's a whore and his dad's a drunkard.”
Caillou "La-Petite-Merde" Anderson is a little ball of wrath with cancer released by some assholes from Quebec unto children all over the world. He is directly responsible for ruining an entire generation of four-year-olds.
Caillou is the star of a PBS Kids cartoon of the same name, in which he likes to explore, but his exploring is even wimpier than Dora's. Caillou's idea of "exploring" seems to consist of:
- Crying
- Complaining
- Harassing his pet cat.
- Refusing to take responsiblity for his own actions
- Making a big fuss at his preschool.
Caillou will likely never mature past the age of four, not just because of TV's famous anti-aging trope, but also due to his complete inability to learn from his own mistakes. And if this is the kind of role model we are giving our kids, no wonder why the cheeto-dust-and-iPad generation is a thing. This kid, if he ever grows up, will probably just end up becoming a fucking manchild, essentially another Chris Chan.
Caillou has become notorious for his numerous parody videos on GoAnimate, many of which are even worse than the PBS show, if that's even possible.
History[edit | edit source]
In-universe[edit | edit source]
The story of Caillou is told from the perspective of an old woman, supposedly Caillou's grandmother. It is more likely that this was simply a random lady who was invited by Caillou's parents to watch Caillou constantly, since nobody knows what Caillou would do if he was left unsupervised, and nobody wants to find out what he would do either. The old woman re-tells her traumatic memories of watching Caillou traumatize his entire town. The cloudy screen borders of every Caillou frame show that the old woman's memory, although fairly sharp for her age, is fading.
Origin of the character[edit | edit source]
In 1989, Caillou was brought from the depths of hell into Tabarnakistan using a satanic ritual. Caillou first appeared in childrens' books, although absolutely nobody wanted to buy these books for fairly obvious reasons. Then some dickface said, "What if we put Caillou on a well-respected network like Teletoon, so that kids would be forced to watch it?" Well, you could just change the channel, but little kids wouldn't think of this.
Original French version[edit | edit source]
The name "Caillou" means "pebble" in French. There are two theories about why this name was chosen. According to the first and slightly more widespread theory, the name was chosen because Caillou deserves to be stoned. The other theory claims that the name "Caillou" was chosen because: like a pebble, Caillou is incredibly round, boring, thick-skulled and does nothing at all.
English version[edit | edit source]
Alright, which one of you bastards thought this was a bad idea? Not only is this a brain-rotting, degrading and unfunny cartoon, but it's also a brain-rotting, degrading and unfunny French cartoon. A brain-rotting degrading and unfunny Quebecois French cartoon, for God's sake.
Characters[edit | edit source]
Caillou[edit | edit source]
A spoiled brat with a bowling ball for a head. Certainly as cancerous as his show, and quite possibly autistic as well. In the show's theme song, it claims that "each day [he grows] some more", although he has not aged a single day, grown a single inch, or learned a single lesson since his show's debut in 1997.
Caillou believes that his toys are sentient, leading to his schizophrenia diagnosis.[1]
Rosie[edit | edit source]
Caillou's little sister who is only slightly more mature than Caillou. Constantly has to put up with all of Caillou's shit. Rosie is named Mousseline in the French version of Caillou. We wanted to make a joke involving a certain fascist dictator with a similar name, but we couldn't think of anything that didn't involve "making the trains run on time." Is that all anyone ever says about him?
Boris[edit | edit source]
Caillou's dad, who actually takes him out to do shit. The two go on boats and ride snowmachines and shit together, and Caillou plays with it surprisingly well. But when things don't go Caillou's way, that's when shit get ugly.
Doris[edit | edit source]
Caillou's mother, who constantly absolves her sweet little gremlin of all the punishment he deserves (That fucker should be sold into child slavery and have his bare ass whipped daily, to be honest.) Possibly trying to train Caillou to be a serial killer, but doing a horrible job of it. Damn kids won't listen to authority!
Gilbert[edit | edit source]
Gilbert is a cat, and that might as well be it. Gilbert has a blue eyepatch bruise on his eye and constantly runs from Caillou, to Caillou's great confusion. I don't know, but it seems fairly obvious that Caillou has done some serious shit to Gilbert in the past. That cat looks like a fucking dog!
Clementine[edit | edit source]
The first friend that Caillou ever had, and quite possibly his only real friend. I mean, you'd have to be REALLY fucking desperate to befriend that fucking son-of-a-bitch. Were all the good guys taken? Or what?
Leo[edit | edit source]
An angry Jewish kid who rightfully bullied Caillou early on, but was then seemingly hypnotized into actually liking this shit-tier excuse for a kid.
Mr. Hinkler[edit | edit source]
He is likely to get some sick or go to a gay retared place.
Rexy[edit | edit source]
A plastic dinosaur that Caillou keeps as a toy. Going along with the quite-accurate stereotypes about delusional, retarded toddlers, Caillou believes Rexy is alive. However, if Rexy really was alive, he would probably wish he wasn't. Just think about Sid, that evil toy-abusing kid from Toy Story, and you have a good idea of how Caillou treats Rexy.
Allegations of crimes against humanity[edit | edit source]
The PBS cartoon Caillou is routinely blamed for single-handedly ruining the manners and discipline of the younger generations, and thus being directly responsible for the downfall of modern society. But those who accuse Caillou of such are all old and pessimistic and therefore should be disregarded... say the bratty 7-year-olds who watch the show. To be fair to the seven-year-olds, the show is nowhere near the only thing that has proved degrading to today's kids, of course. Other things that have proven detrimental to kids nowadays include:
- Caillou himself
- Caillou's ability to avoid all punishments
- Caillou's parents as a model for friendliness
Caillou's other (confirmed!) crimes:[edit | edit source]
- Transformation into an all-consuming eldritch horror
- Sororicide
- Destruction of a Japanese city
- Only God knows what this brat has done. There's a 99% chance that Caillou is indirectly responsible for some real crimes as well.
