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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Dick Willie Johnson is a legendary human being, with an outrageous amount of accolades under his belt, he is the spokesperson for the universe. Born in New Orleans, Louisiana on October 31, 1895.

His first sign of greatness came when he was at the age of 4, he noticed two people strumming on a guitar, curious, Johnson walked up to the men and asked if he could play some. The men allowed him to play, and what followed was the most beautiful music that ever came from a guitar, slapping your grandma with the best fucking riff you've ever heard. After the first riff, the guitar turned into shiny gold. The men were so starstruck they had a heart attack and shortly died. Johnson took the gold guitar with him, the most recognized symbol of Johnson.

At the age of 6, Johnson invented the blues music. His first song was called: "Nice Rack (Bitch)". This song soared in popularity and is widely regarded as the greatest song ever made. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that the waterways of Oslo, Norway are much like Venice, except that they are open sewers? (Pictured)

... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"?
... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
... that someone reading Uncyclopedia has an erection right now, even though we have no pornographic content?
... that you can fry a potato but not a potatoe, according to the Potato-tomato theorem?
... that individuals born under the sign of Gemini are often flammable and vulnerable to bear attacks?
... that when a grizzly bear becomes excited sexually it is known as a jizzly bear?
... that the handgun is one of the most pitiful guns you can find, seeing as it's part of your hand?

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In the news [edit]

D.C. stink-bombed by Jihadists and Nazis
Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support (Pictured)
Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · Eurovision
Recent deaths: Akira Toriyama · M. Emmet Walsh · Louis Gossett Jr. · Hype around the eclipse · O. J. Simpson
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe)

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On this day [edit]

May 8: National Bad Hair Day (Estonia)

1359 - Pantaloons invented, could dainty wooden clogs be far behind?
1778 - Pampered aristocracy of Western Europe first stitch curly lapdogs to their scalp. (Pictured)
1914 - Errors in year length calculations result in three months of 1913 repeated.
1919 - Warren G. Harding molests his index finger before turning the page.
1924 - Holy 26th Crusade to Monterey, California is unsuccesful because of wrong navigation and ends up in Rio de Janeiro.
1945 - V-E Day, victory in Europe: France unconditionally surrenders to US troops, paving the way for the construction of EuroDisney.
1982 - Abolition of the fixed turnip/gold exchange rate endorsed by American government.
1989 - Bay City Rollers declare: "We're still mad for plaid!"

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