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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

"Written" by J. Jonah Jameson

Spider-Man, according to this reboot of an Uncyclopedia article, is not a punny spy (whoever gave that idea should be fired. Seriously, who'd pay to watch a movie about that?), but does whatever a spider can. This wall-crawling, smack-talking web-head has apparently been reincarnated at least three times, but in all three lives, he's been some dorky kid from Queens named Peter Parker. Either way, he's a menace! A criminal! What has he ever done for society? Just because he gets bitten by some 8-legged bug and gains powers he thinks he gets to do stuff like this. Entitled kids these days. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that Big Bird was the guest of honor on a special Thanksgiving episode of Sesame Street? (Pictured)

... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
... that contrary to popular belief, she never actually sold seashells by the seashore?
... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?
... that Freddie Mercury was banned in some European countries due to his extremely radioactive last name?
... that apparently, this Charles Norris fellow is quite the ruffian?

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In the news [edit]

Rams rest starters in playoff game
Donald Trump given three Nobel Peace Prizes (pictured)
Donald Trump uses his get out of jail free card
California's real estate market is on fire... literally.
- And in shambles.
- Steve Guttenberg comes to the rescue... without those goofy sound effects
South Korea's president arrested for "accidentally" declaring martial law while ordering pizza, sentenced to play in the Squid Game
Trudeau resigns after making a mess for a decade, Canucks rejoice
Alcohol gets the Surgeon General's Warning for cancer; sparking "Dry January" chaos
Jimmy Carter kicks bucket at the ripe old age of 100
Panama Canal faces ominous threats from both global warming and Donald Trump
Google reveals least popular searches of 2024
Luigi arraigned for gunning down health insurance CEO; pleads not guilty

Ongoing: Eurovision Song Contest • Russian Invasion • Israel–Hamas conflict • United States presidential election aftermath • College football championship game • Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson's battle for the honor of getting crushed by ~~Patrick Mahomes~~ the refs

Recent deaths: Diddy's career • A CEO who died peacefully and surrounded by his loving family • Greg Gumbel • Jimmy Carter • Liberal Party of Canada • Aaron Rodgers' career • Jean-Marie Le Pen • Peter Yarrow • Anita Bryant • Yoon Suk Yeol's presidency and freedom • Bob Uecker

Upcoming deaths: Vladimir Putin • Bashar al-Assad • Diddy's freedom • Jay‑Z's career and freedom • Luigi Mangione • Kate Middleton • Your New Year's resolutions • Los Angeles • TikTok • Israel–Hamas conflict

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On this day [edit]

January 17: Kick Pigeons in the Face Day

395 - The Eastern Roman Empire and the Western Roman Empire split after "insurmountable creative differences."
1918 - The Finnish Civil War begins after the Finns decide that they might as well get their Civil War done right away.
1945 - The Soviets liberate Warsaw from Nazi Germany, decide to adopt Poland as their own. Aww.
1946 - The UN Security Council wonders what the UK is doing there. It's just an island.
1961 - Dwight D. Eisenhower makes final speech warning America about the monster that lives in your closet.
1987 - The New York City Transit Authority sponsors a pigeon kicking holiday (Pictured) in response to the bird poop derailing all their trains.
2004 - The Doomsday Clock is set four minutes to midnight after scientists realize the time on their microwave is two minutes off.

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Picture of the day

Unable to reach Him by phone, Oscar Wilde took his seat in God's waiting room (also called purgatory). It is believed that he waits there to this day.

Image credit: RadicalX
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