User:SonicMonkey

This guy is cool beans.

My Life

Early Life

I began my journey in July of the year 390 B.C. I started out as a humble, single-celled elephant semen molecule, just trying to make it in this world. I stumpled upon a product when I was three years of age that really helped me find my true identity. I think it was called Extenze. I slowly became addicted, and by the time I was four, I couldn't pry myself away from the stuff. My fictional murderous clown father and balloon animal mothers (My dad was Mormon) helped me cope and rehabilitated me until I could stand more than an hour at a time without my fix. I am truly thankful.

Post-Early Life

When I became of age (six years old) I opened my first strip joint with the help of my uncle Frank (or left-handed-Joe as his friends called him). We became millionaires by not only having naked women in out strip clup, but also having naked clothing performances aswell. The idea soon wore out, however, as people realized that clothing can't be naked at all. Bastards. My uncle and I quickly became bankrupt when we started investing in Google and my life started rocketing downhill from there.

Medium-Rare Life

Twelve years of age now, and still poor and living on the streets. I finally reached hold of my uncle Frank again, but he's not doing so well either. He started selling himself on the streets and contracted the AIDS. Filthy hookers.

Middle-Earth Life

I'm a Hobbit! A filthy stinking homosexual Hobbit! Kill me, please! My favourite movie is Home Improvement.

Adulthood

Feeling lucky to get out of my Hobbit phase, I signed up for the Navy. I met a nice fellow named Al Borland. He fixes lamps on the submarine while I do his homework for him. Not a good trade, but his beard scares the dickens out of me, so I'm not one to argue.

After the Navy

After the Navy, I got a full-time job at a bank. I really enjoyed working there. It reminded me of a fish market. Except you don't have to clean and gut fish all day. Every once in a while, I put a few hundreds in my pocket from the cash register. The headmaster didn't seem to notice, so I kept doing it until I was loaded like a drunken Irishman.

Jail Life

I got arrested for running in circles around the great oak tree in the park and I served a run-on sentence that should've ended a long time ago but no-one thought to put a period anywhere because the writer of this piece was too lazy to figure out where anyone who could be writing something like this could put a period. I got raped in the shower. Twice.

Afterlife

It turns out that it was my uncle Frank that invaded my cornhole in the prison shower. I caught his AIDS and died shortly after. I've been enjoying the afterlife somewhat, but I'm always behind on my haunting quota. Good thing I have all of eternity to catch up.

Not My Life

Things that didn't happen during the course of my life:

• 10 PRINT "LOL"
• Women's Lib.
• Michael Jackson
• Your dog being the man now.
• Amanda Bynes' Wig Rampage: The Videogame for the Comcast 580
• The great bedsheet incident of 2005.
• 70 GOTO 10