User:So So/The Aristocrat(s)
A clean-shaven man in an olive colored suit enters a talent agent’s office. “I’ve got the greatest new act!” he begins. "I call it 'Vodka Shots from a 300 Pound Russian Whore’s Vagina'”.
“Sounds a little run of the mill” says the talent agent, clipping off his fingernails and lining them up one after another on his desk. “But I’m in a good mood. Let’s hear what you’ve got.”
“Well, first we start off with a 300 pound naked Russian prostitute center stage, hanging upside-down by her feet from two chains. A blond in a bunny suit turns a crank on the side of the stage, and the chains spread the woman’s legs about 150 degrees. Next, a beefy, bare-chested man in a black hood inserts a 2 ounce shot glass of Vodka into the woman’s vagina until it goes all the way in with an echoing squish! The bunny girl now turns a different crank, this time raising the woman several feet above the stage little by little with the theme to 2001: A Space Odyssey playing in the background."
The talent agent, nails now freshly trimmed, begins flicking the neatly arranged fingernails off of his desk one by one.
"Next, the bunny girl and the hooded man exit as two choir boys dragging a long, flaccid plastic tube come in with a dachshund wearing a red knitted sweater following behind, and they take center stage below the Russian woman. The two boys separate five paces holding opposite ends of the tube, start swinging it jump-rope style and call out, 'C’mon Rusty!' The dog leaps into the center and jumps the tube 20 times, with the boys counting in unison. After the 20th jump one of the boys tosses the dog a treat, which it jumps up and catches in its mouth with a cute little doggy leap. The boys then bow and exit with the dog following behind.”
The talent agent now has his revolving chair turned around, looking out the window where a woman is inspecting fresh bread at the bakery across the street. He puts a lit match to a cigar.
“Next, three mimes and a clown carrying a 9 foot long rubber ladder over his shoulder take the stage. Wacky circus music starts playing and the clown stumbles back and forth on the stage, spinning around and changing direction over and over again without warning. The mimes duck the revolving ladder each time it swings toward them, wipe their brow and give a big sigh of relief. This goes on for about 3 minutes, and then the mimes and clowns bow and exit."
Still turned around in his chair, the talent agent blows a smoke ring and mumbles something barely audible about mimes.
“Finally, the hooded man comes back on stage, this time holding a giant wooden mallet. He takes center stage in front of the Russian whore, removes his hood, and sticks out a comically long six-inch tongue for the audience to see. The bunny girl then pushes a test-your-strength carnival bell on wheels onto the stage, and after a brief drum roll, the man strikes it with the mallet. The bell dings and the bunny girl hands him a giant teddy bear. All performers then take the stage once again, bow, and the show ends. So, what do you think?”
After a brief silence the talent agent turns back around in his chair with an expressionless face, ashes his cigar and asks bemusedly, “So, who drinks the vodka from the hanging whore’s vagina?”
“I do!" says the man. "I’m an Aristocrat, bitch!”