User:Jobot37/cracker

The Origins of the Graham Cracker

As one may properly assume, the Graham Cracker was first invented by Alexander Graham Bell. t is made of bark, tightly compacted into a rectangular shape. The first Graham Cracker was created in an isolated chamber in the depths of Bell's castle-laboratory in the small Hungarian province of Ungvar, on the border with Ukraine. The event took place on Magnus 3rd, 5th, and 9th of 1927.

Why?

The Graham Cracker concept was first concieved by Dr.Bell while he stood atop his highest parapet, watching a logging operation out in the distant Ungvarian woods. He saw that trees were taken, and their wood used, but the bark was discarded. Mr. Bell was a true environmentalist (being from Oregon as he was) and so decided to put the bark of the world to use. He first gathered many tonnes and poundes of barke from ae forreste, and he thenne puteth them all up and into ae compactinge machine, which didst then grindeth them and press their fibers into ae most compact and efficient form. Many forms were tried until a successful cracker shape was found, failed designs included:

• Spheres
• Monkey's fists
• Cube
• various two-dimensional shapes which proceeded to create very small holes in the fabric of reality

Eventually Senor Bell came upon the rectangle which is familiar to us today.

And Then?

The cracker was there, it had been made, the biggest challenge had been overcome. Now what to do with it? The crackers were already being mass produced and Mein Fuhrer Bell needed to get rid of them, thus began the tradition of product testing. First it was marketed as a drug substance, and yet people complained because they didn't know how to use it, whether it should be Huffed, Shot, Smoked, Rolled, Popped, Chewed, or frightened and then licked. Also contributing to the cracker's failure as a drug was the cheapness and ready availability of kittens, which could be huffed right out of the bag and needed little or no preparation. The cracker was also tested as a Grue repellent, although results of this test were inconclusive due to the immediate ingestion of all the scientists who attempted to get close enough to a Grue to test the repellent effect.