Talk:Mike Read
They closed the Guardian thread!!! :-(
exiledlondoner Comment No. 703932 July 17 12:51 ESP "Last October, having spoken for the third time at a Conservative conference many influential and political figures encouraged me to stand as London mayor, resulting in many people in the party urging me forward."
You couldn't make it up!
Care to name them? I'd love to know which "influential and political figures" would admit to being unable to come up with a better candidate than Mike Read - the mind boggles.
drbendyspoogun
Comment No. 703937 July 17 12:53 GBR Deleted by CIF moderator.
bromley
Comment No. 703940 July 17 12:54 GBR I would like to announce that I, too, will not be standing for Mayor of London.
bananacannon
Comment No. 703946 July 17 12:55 GBR Mike Read - "I'm Backing Boris"
THIS JUST GETS BETTER AND BETTER. Can we have the Hairy Cornflake next, please.
cousinJasper
Comment No. 703961 July 17 12:59 GBR Relax, don't do it.
ardennespate
Comment No. 703963 July 17 13:01 GBR "I've decided not to stand as mayor of London".
Because no one will vote for you, you washed-up old has-been egomaniac nobody.
Ragged
Comment No. 703965 July 17 13:01 GBR This was written by Harry Enfield, wasn't it?
Cholo
Comment No. 703971 July 17 13:05 GBR Some of your ideas sound more Ken than Boris.
For starters, flogging merchandise in mayoral offices isn't very Tory. It would impinge upon the private sector. Underground car parks too: If there is a market, the private sector will provide. And why not let the police decide where to put their men to best effect?
Many of your suggestions concerning crime are for the judiciary, not the mayor. The mayor can give the police more money to catch more criminals, but the sentences should be decided by the legal establishment.
The laureate idea - would you pay him?!
Devolution of power and frugality is what Boris should stand for. Not micro-management.
I'd like to see him promise - No more junkets. Especially not to Venezuela or Cuba. - Cut the hospitality budget of the Mayor's office to zero. - Sack all but one of the dozens of press officers. - Sack the "special advisers" currently employed. When Ken's cronies lost their seats at the last election, he simply re-employed them on twice the money. Axe them! - Keep the mayor's budget increases to less than inflation.
Baggy
Comment No. 703975 July 17 13:07 GBR Thanks for standing aside, Smashy. Very big of you. No news yet from Nicey as to whether we can expect the same grand gesture, though.
Honestly, isn't there a pub for this man to bore instead?
"Create a London laureate to extol the virtues of the city in song and verse" - can I nominate Chas & Dave? Or are you angling for that job yourself?
WattaPalaver
Comment No. 703982 July 17 13:10 GBR "I've spoken to lots of young kids in gangs or "crews" as they prefer to be known and most want to get out of a way of life that gives them nothing. Get in there ... understand their problems and give them access to sporting facilities and the chance to make music, act, dance and write. Get them integrated into society and to realise its value."
Thats right Mike. All these "urban" types can only do sport or make music can't they? Its the sense of rhythm that does it, eh Mike?
How about giving them the chance to become journalists or nuclear physicists or geography teachers or Corgi registered plumbers or radiographers? How about giving them the chance of achieving a sense of self-worth that doesn't revolve around sports or entertainment or celebrity?
Patronising Tory twaddle.
Finite187
Comment No. 703990 July 17 13:12 GBR Hey ho Mike, all the tories are coming out of the woodwork I see?
"That said I'm happy to support Boris in any way necessary and have discussed the mayoral situation with his charming father, Stanley."
Yes.. says it all really.
"Get in there ... understand their problems and give them access to sporting facilities and the chance to make music, act, dance and write."
..because Boris Johnson, an old etonian, is the ideal candidate to empathise with street gangs?
"the congestion charge and put the life back into London trading."
..and watch the traffic reach gridlock again, and pollution go through the roof. What an intelligent solution
"Improve traffic light phasing (still a disaster after Ken's tampering)"
Ah yes, that old fairy story.. thought up by drivers fuming at the congestion charge but unable to suggest any alternative.
belfastpete
Comment No. 703993 July 17 13:13 GBR "This was written by Harry Enfield, wasn't it?"
I thought it was Craig Brown.
I write this from my hospital bed where I'm in having my sides stitched back up.
Arnold1
Comment No. 704001 July 17 13:17 GBR Are all Tories unspeakably ugly inside and out?
Yep.
Dave69
Comment No. 704011 July 17 13:21 GBR A copper on every Tube entrance, all the time? Will there be any left for anything else?
I thought the idea that London's 'profile' needed 'raising' was hilarious enough...
bobdoney
Comment No. 704013 July 17 13:22 GBR I notice from this page that China has been swamped by 2 billion rodents.
dumbfounded
Comment No. 704023 July 17 13:25 GBR I have to congratulate the Grauniad on it's wiley editorial tactic of spearing those Boris supporters with a 'Typical Tory' spear from Mike Read as if to vindicate Wally Toynbee and Steven Pence. What next - Boris's dog is the lovechild of Cliff Richard and Mary Whitehouse and is a secret member of the Tom Cruises's Scientology sect.
JJ10
Comment No. 704029 July 17 13:26 GBR I think the Guardian would call this article "Balance"
KingLeonidas
Comment No. 704046 July 17 13:30 GBR Mike Reid has given us the first good reason to vote Ken.
ianiles
Comment No. 704060 July 17 13:33 GBR dumbfounded "...Boris's dog is the lovechild of Cliff Richard and Mary Whitehouse and is a secret member of the Tom Cruises's Scientology sect."
Er, that is true isn't it? Except for the scientology bit. Boris' dog isn't that daft.
And breaking news, Andy Kershaw is also not standing for London Mayor. Which is a shame.
wiredandtired
Comment No. 704073 July 17 13:38 GBR Next up..... Bachman Turner Overdrive and you aint seen nothin' yet.
LesterJones
Comment No. 704083 July 17 13:41 SWE Mike Reid
Thanks Mike, that was bloody hilarious...
"making sure that rapists, murderers and paedophiles have no place, and never will, on the streets of London, and will not threaten civilised society"
Brilliant, yes lets make sure of that ha ha
"I've spoken to lots of young kids in gangs or "crews" as they prefer to be known"
Please film one of these meetings next time you get down wid da kidz ha ha ha
"Let's train traffic wardens to exercise common sense and reward Londoners who work hard"
Oh my God Mike you are priceless
Please get involved in Boris Johnsons campaign, it would be the best thing that ever happened to Kens chances and while your at it think long and hard about why you want to be involved in politics because wanting adoration is NOT a goos enough motivation. You are only clogging up the system and putting people off who might really be useful.
StevoKingoftheNewts
Comment No. 704087 July 17 13:42 GBR Mike Read.
Is this serious? This is someone having a joke no?
englandismdotcom
Comment No. 704093 July 17 13:44 GBR I propose cabinet of philosopher kings or octogenarian DJs to run our capital.
Simon Bates is a must for his sheer conviction and gravitas and his booming tones could ring out throughout the tube network, accompanied by the My Tune theme, exhorting the proles to work harder and achieve Stakanovian quotas. The Hairy Cornflake would be a shoe in for Rasputin.
As head of the London Militia we could have David Kid Jensen in a small tank taking on the kids on the street down with the kids in the hood and catching truants for Bruno Brookes' re-education program.
BJ For the Mayor! Ken for Barbie!
I'm backing Boris.
golfsale
Comment No. 704097 July 17 13:46 GBR "I've decided not to stand"
Did your realise your record was awful?
Tupper
Comment No. 704103 July 17 13:47 GBR Pardon me for asking, but does Mike actually have a job these days? Y'know...what does he DO?
donge
Comment No. 704105 July 17 13:48 GBR Bromley, neither am I I've been a Mayor, got a nice medal though had to give back the limosine though. Mr Read you don't look the part. weren't you a comedian, still are.
talktothehand
Comment No. 704106 July 17 13:48 GBR I am assuming that this is a joke. I hope it is at our expense rather than some nasty person encouraging the real Mike Read to pen an article so we can all laugh at him. He has been a figure of fun for more than 15 years. Surely he hasn't been lured back into the limelight of ridicule.
"Scrap the congestion charge and put the life back into London trading". Hmmmmm. The largest year on year growth in Oxford street trading last year was the day they pedestrianised the whole street. Interesting, no?
And as for trying to portray Ken as anti-Olympics. I mean. Really. For all the man's faults.
tetradite
Comment No. 704108 July 17 13:49 GBR Strange how little (i.e next to nothing) is said here about why anyone should support Boris. The whole piece is "I support Boris, and I'd like to see him do x,y and z in and for London".
It seems a little like you desperately wanted to write what you would have done if (hahahaha) you ever were elected mayor, and have used the recent publicity surrounding Boris to do so. Nowhere are the two ideas linked (i.e I want to see this happen, and Boris is most likely to carry it out).
This isn't even a true statement of support for Boris Johnson, it is simply an ego stroke for the author.
deepblue
Comment No. 704115 July 17 13:52 FRA "I'm Backing Boris" ... and then YOUR programme for London.
(Most of them outside the mayor's control anyway, in case you hadn't noticed. Some politician you'd be).
But who says this is Boris's programme for London?
TheFox
Comment No. 704120 July 17 13:54 POL Mike.
When I was ... oh, yay high, you used to host a Radio 1 show from 6.30 p.m. to 8.30 p.m. and then hand over to the mighty John Peel. Except you rarely finished at 8.30, it was usually 8.32 or 8.33 p.m. - in other words, you stole precious airtime off the greatest DJ who ever lived. I've never forgiven you for it. And your impression of the great man which you sometimes used to 'treat' the listeners to was absolutely awful too. I know this has nothing to do with the London mayoral race, but I just wanted to get it off my chest after all these years. Thank you.
AllyF
Comment No. 704119 July 17 13:54 GBR "making sure that rapists, murderers and paedophiles have no place, and never will, on the streets of London, and will not threaten civilised society."
Hear, hear.
I would vote for any candidate who promised to make rape, murder and paedophilia criminal offences.
Priceless.
themanwithnoname
Comment No. 704127 July 17 13:56 GBR You were talked out of standing for mayor, when was that Mike? Most of us thought you were dead, from the neck up that is.
brianwilsonisgod
Comment No. 704133 July 17 14:00 GBR Deleted by CiF moderator.
Scandaliser
Comment No. 704135 July 17 14:01 GBR Wow, I didn't really take Boris seriously at first but now heavyweights like Mke Read are getting behind him, I'm thinking again.
SuperClive
Comment No. 704150 July 17 14:07 GBR So where's the pro-Boris gang on this thread, then? Or have they all gone for a drive around Notting Hill in their 4x4s, remembering to double-park outside a few schools, to hide from Read's old tosh.
I'm definitely looking forward to Smashy and Toffy for the election!
rolleyes
Comment No. 704153 July 17 14:09 GBR Hail Spode!
Grinch
Comment No. 704160 July 17 14:13 GBR RE Ken saying he'll be bored out of his mind by the Olympics. Cheap shot, Mr Read, cheap shot. Although, at least you had the decency to provide a link so we can all see just how out-of-context you are quoting him.
RE the race for London Mayor, does anyone notice a similarity between the former shadow Higher Education minister who has just announced his candidacy and a previous candidate for the office during the first race? They're both white-haired, both bumbling, likeable and slightly shambolic, and both parachuted in at the absolute last minute by desperate party leaders.
Yes, that's right folks, Bozza = the New Dobbo.
notmelphilips
Comment No. 704169 July 17 14:15 GBR Risible article, but worth it for the excellent posts it has generated.
I fear (or perhaps hope) that the subtext of the piece was a pitch by Read for the job of "a London laureate to extol the virtues of the city in song and verse". I think it's fair to say that that would bring the tourists flooding in. Not to London, of course.
ThurrockHunt
Comment No. 704177 July 17 14:19 GBR 'My Creed' by Mike Read?
hankwilliams
Comment No. 704179 July 17 14:19 GBR "Mike Read, Mike Read 275 and completely off his trolley"!
sentience
Comment No. 704186 July 17 14:21 GBR How much did the Guardian pay Mike for this article? did he donate the fee to chariddee?
GydaGwen
Comment No. 704195 July 17 14:25 deepblue: quite.. I think the bulk of this article was written when Mike Read intended to stand, giving his own views and policies to (cough) win over the voters. Then when Boris turned up, Read realised he couldn't compete with a proper politician, and the piece was hastily topped and tailed with Boris-suporting noises.
Benulek
Comment No. 704197 July 17 14:25 POL 'Let's train traffic wardens to exercise common sense and reward Londoners who work hard, rather than hitting them with constant stealth taxes.'
What awfully clever traffic wardens you have in London! They can tell who has been working hard just by looking at their cars! And they all have second jobs as Treasury advisers.
InternetFact
Comment No. 704201 July 17 14:25 GBR Thanks for that Mike!
Coming up next week: Chris Moyles and Scott Mills discuss whether there is a viable two-state solution to the Israel-Palestine conflict, and Jo Whiley writes about why she thinks green apples are tastier than red ones.
JamesRR
Comment No. 704208 July 17 14:28 GBR Ha ha! This is the funniest article I've read in a long time! Seriously, Mike that has to be one of the most pathetic 'political' articles I've read - the idea that you even considered running for political office is laughable.
You're a washed up old has-been who even at the time was a crap DJ. The fact that you banned Frankie Goes to Hollywood's 'Relax' from your show underlines what a loser you are.
The arguments you put forward read like a comedian's dream. Did you seriously write this Mike?
I'm sure Ken will get no sleep at night now that he knows political heavyweights like you are backing Boris!
I thought it highly amusing that Boris even thought about running for office, but the fact that you're endorsing him is just downright funny! This is going to be the most gaffe-prone, ludicrously funny political campaign in modern British history and I'm going to enjoy every minute of it.
Don't give up the day job Mike (if you even have one!).
Baggy
Comment No. 704209 July 17 14:29 GBR Come to think of it, one of the most eye opening lines in all of this is the fact that this numpty's spoken at the last THREE tory party conferences. Whatever you think of their policies (not much, it would appear) what sort of party would allow such a buffoon anywhere near a podium? Eh? Oh.
HarperSmythe
Comment No. 704217 July 17 14:33 I'd like to thank all the posters on this thread for giving me the most entertaining read on any blog I've seen in months.
From A New Yorker
remedymalahide
Comment No. 704222 July 17 14:35 GBR Abolition of the congestion charge, extra parking, the downgrading of bus lanes...
And allegedly by someone who wants 'to get traffic moving'.
Asides from the fact that the proposals are more the rantings of a disgruntled driver than policies for running a great and complex city, the author exhibits precious little logic.
Getting the traffic moving by making it easier to drive is a little like reducing heart disease by enriching the nation's diet with lard.
Catch22
Comment No. 704225 July 17 14:36 GBR I say John Peel for mayor!
claphamleft
Comment No. 704231 July 17 14:39 GBR Fill in the missing words
With friends like Mike Read .....?
"That said I'm happy to support Boris in any way necessary and have discussed the mayoral situation with his charming father, Stanley."
Good for you!!
And what, precisely, is a 'mayoral situation'?
Almost as entertaining as Polly T's vitriol this morning
SmallBrownFenian
Comment No. 704241 July 17 14:42 GBR Just pick the next 3 people who walk past you, when next in London. The chances are they'd be more in touch with reality & have more credibility than Boris!
RichieRemote
Comment No. 704246 July 17 14:43 GBR Like Belfastpete, I reckon this has to have been written by Craig Brown. I looked for the 'as told to..' byline, but couldn't find it anywhere. But this piece simply cannot be in earnest. All the p*ss-taking trademarks are there (like the beautifully-wrought line about 'gangs, or 'crews' as they prefer to be known'). This is one of Brown's best.
brianwilsonisgod
Comment No. 704259 July 17 14:47 GBR "Deleted by CiF moderator."
Oh come on, I put an asterisk in it! How do you know I didn't mean 'what a cant' - as in 'insincere, esp. conventional expressions of enthusiasm for high ideals, goodness, or piety'....?
peh75
Comment No. 704260 July 17 14:47 GBR I'm truly lost for words. What a breath-takingly ignorant and also amusingly random set of thoughts. Is this all a cunning ploy to make Boris look like he actually has a clue by juxtaposing him with someone who so obviously doesn't?
GreenLake
Comment No. 704266 July 17 14:50 USA Poptastic, mate.
drbendyspoogun
Comment No. 704275 July 17 14:54 GBR Dear moderator, what was so offensive about my comment???? It wasn't really personal............
dominijk
Comment No. 704278 July 17 14:54 GBR Is this genuine, surely not.
lennorthfield
Comment No. 704288 July 17 14:57 BEL Check the profile:
Mike has just finished an album collaborating with many literary greats including Shelley, Byron, Kipling, Auden, Shakespeare, Dylan Thomas, Tennyson and Wordsworth.
What? Are you a medium as well?
BellEndBush
Comment No. 704293 July 17 15:00 GBR "making sure that rapists, murderers and paedophiles have no place, and never will, on the streets of London, and will not threaten civilised society"
Gosh, and there was I looking for a candidate who opposed this!
Read, you were a horses arse 25 years ago and nothing has changed. And for the love of all things holy change that f*cking hairstyle.
Benulek
Comment No. 704298 July 17 15:02 POL RichieRemote- there is an even greater line:
'Build extensive underground car parks. Put all car parking underground. I've discussed this with major developers and it's feasible.'
It's not the idea- if he'd just written the first sentence it would look perfectly sensible. It's the repetition in the second one that does it- the man sounds positively manic.
'Build extensive underground car parks. Put all car parking underground. Build a multi-storey car park that stretches down to the upper mantle! I've talked this one through with Isambard Kingdom Brunel and he says it's a flyer!'
Benulek
Comment No. 704312 July 17 15:07 POL RichieRemote- there is an even greater line:
'Build extensive underground car parks. Put all car parking underground. I've discussed this with major developers and it's feasible.'
It's not the idea- if he'd just written the first sentence it would look perfectly sensible. It's the repetition in the second one that does it- the man sounds positively manic.
'Build extensive underground car parks. Put all car parking underground. Build a multi-storey car park that stretches down to the upper mantle! I've talked this one through with Isambard Kingdom Brunel and he says it's a flyer!'
jemscott2
Comment No. 704313 July 17 15:07 GBR Marvellous posts, people, marvellous posts. Best stuff I've seen in ages, and there isn't really a lot left to add that won't been put better above. Just one thing, perhaps: REMEMBER - THIS IS THAT THE TORIES ARE REALLY LIKE...
LemonGrass
Comment No. 704319 July 17 15:08 IRL What HarperSmythe said
donge
Comment No. 704334 July 17 15:13 GBR brianwil, drbendy, what did you print?? I never get posts removed and I print some right old twaddle!i'm in good company, Lord Sumer, Englandis, waltz,scareycornflake, Max hastings,bobdoney.greenlake, he's an Apache or something, has feathers in his hair.
BifidusDigestivum
Comment No. 704340 July 17 15:14 GBR DLT for PM!
jeremyjames
Comment No. 704342 July 17 15:14 FRA
My, my, what a day.
In the morning, Polly Toynbee wins the election for Boris Johnson and in the afternoon Mike Reid (who he?) instantly loses it again.
Who says the Guardian doesn't do irony?
notmelphilips
Comment No. 704345 July 17 15:15 GBR Having more time on my hands than is good for me, I looked at Ready's profile which reveals this gem:
"Mike has just finished an album collaborating with many literary greats including Shelley, Byron, Kipling, Auden, Shakespeare, Dylan Thomas, Tennyson and Wordsworth."
Apart from the apparent implication that he considers himself to be on all fours with these literary greats (Mike's "crew", as I believe the young people say), it seems just slightly grandiose to claim 'collaboration' given that, being dead, they didn't have too much choice in the matter.
wddr
Comment No. 704349 July 17 15:16 FIN Mike - you remember all those times that people were laughing with you...? Er, at you, I'm afraid. Still, thanks for starting one of the funniest threads on CIF for a long time. My favourite policy is "running the tubes until 2am, at least at the weekends, must be an option. Late night traveller safety for the likes of nurses... would become a priority." Yeah, because nurses who work weekends should be a top priority. F**k em if they work during the week though.
AllyF
Comment No. 704357 July 17 15:20 GBR Can we have an article in support of Ken by the other Mike Reid... him off Eastenders.
"[sniff] Gorblimey Pat me ol' darlin' trouble an' strife, wot 'ave you done to me Pat? I'm gonna 'ave to vote Ken now [sniff]"
Wolfieman
Comment No. 704372 July 17 15:24 GBR Pure Partridge. I'd like to know what DLT's views are as well though, just for political balance like.
scrap
Comment No. 704375 July 17 15:25 GBR The other day, I parked on a yellow line "just for a few minutes" to pop into a shop and support my equally hard-working trader friend. Outrageously, I returned to my car to find I'd been given a ticket. How much better it would have been if I'd been rewarded by the traffic warden instead? Perhaps with a cash prize?
However, given the state of my car (not a shiny Bentley, or even a 4x4, but an old hatchback I'm ashamed to say), the warden might not consider me hard-working enough. :(
Naco
Comment No. 704377 July 17 15:26 GBR Imagine this even if its sad...'another terrorist attack on the London Underground'.....now Boris Johnson has to give a well balanced, strong and reassuring speech.Now can you imagine that?
This angers me;a traversty, a blatant insult to our intelligence, and if the Tory actually think joking baffoon is what they have to offer the most important city in the world, then I have lost what ever little respect I had for them.
ianiles
Comment No. 704385 July 17 15:28 GBR BellEndBush "And for the love of all things holy change that f*cking hairstyle."
Style? You are joking, right?
I'd imagine that brianwilsonisgod's deleted post summed Mike Read up quite nicely.
Hey Mike! Guess what? You've united CiF posters in a way not seen on this site ever before. Maybe you should have run for mayor
MKone
Comment No. 704399 July 17 15:31 GBR My God, are the comments here representative of the average Guardian reader? I sincerely hope not! I don't think I have ever read as much uninformed, ill-mannered, ignorant rubbish as the responses to Mike Read's article. Mike Read has come up with some fine ideas to undo the damage wrought by seven years of the most embarrassing and disgraceful politician of the modern age (well, second, after George Galloway) and all that has been written in reply is bile and nonsense.
Good on you for taking the time to think of some answers to London's problems Mike, and good luck supporting Boris. Londoners certainly need some new ideas and someone, ANYONE, other than Ken.
Flappy
Comment No. 704400 July 17 15:32 IRL Smells like Chris Morris to me....
daddysgonecrazy
Comment No. 704417 July 17 15:36 GBR Deleted by CIF moderator.
drbendyspoogun
Comment No. 704418 July 17 15:37 GBR MKONE, Just because your married to the idiot doesn't mean you have to embarrass yourself, Mike can fight his own battles, just think 'bush tucker trial.'
brianwilsonisgod
Comment No. 704420 July 17 15:37 GBR donge: In answer to your question on what I said to get myself censured - I summed up my opinion of Mike Read in one four-letter word which I felt encapsulated him perfectly. But apparently the moderators do not reward hard-working folk for brevity on this forum. Perhaps they're traffic wardens in their spare time (just kidding guys, I love you really)...
malcolmwilliamson
Comment No. 704422 July 17 15:37 GBR Since when have the views of a DJ on politics been considered important. I stopped listening to Mike Read doing his proper job years ago. I trust he hasn't been paid a celebrity salary for his thoughts.
JamesRR
Comment No. 704426 July 17 15:39 GBR Come now Mike, don't call yourself 'MKone' and try and post a positive response on here! We all know it's you! That's because nobody in their right mind could possibly read your article and not crack up at the sheer lunacy of what you're saying.
What's the campaign slogan going to be pop-pickers?
"B-b-b-b-b-b-Boris, you just ain't seen n-n-n-n-n-nothin' yet..."
Dylanski
Comment No. 704427 July 17 15:39 GBR My personal favourite "Broken parking meters should be free until mended"
Genius. Why pay for parking when you can simply kick in the nearest parking meter.
Catch22
Comment No. 704429 July 17 15:40 GBR Dear Mike
How is this: "With work and leisure patterns changing, Londoners are keeping later hours than ever before so running the tubes until 2am, at least at the weekends, must be an option."
Going to actually help working people? I know, I know you said that people's working patterns are changing but still I think most people who work until 2am do it during the week, Monday to Friday, so fat lot of good running it until 2am on the weekends would be. Plus surely most of the people keeping these ridiclulous hours are city bankers who can afford a taxi anyhoo.
Why don't you just be honest and say that people would like the tubes to run until 2am on weekends because they would like to get the tube home after a night on the lash instead of having to get a vomit stinking, misogynist infested night bus. You would have scored more points with that one.
As for tubes running until 2am helping the working class, what about those that would have to run it? And the longer shifts for the police that would have to be at every station?
Ah, yes you're beginning to see that you haven't really thought these policies [if you can call them that] through aren't you.
Joined up thinking Mike, joined up thinking.
RichieRemote
Comment No. 704433 July 17 15:42 GBR benulek: You're right, 'I've discussed it with developers and it's feasible' is a brilliantly bathetic touch. claphamleft points to the bizarre phrase 'mayoral situation' as well. And I've just spotted another gem: 'I have the blueprint set up and ready to go for an online newspaper with every word about London, written by Londoners or by people visiting the capital.' 'Every word about London' is a good one, but the weak ending - 'or by people visiting the capital' - is even better. God, this really does read as parody.
claphamleft
Comment No. 704438 July 17 15:45 GBR Have a look at Mike's profile - presumably written by himself - even funnier than the article
Apparently, he's just finished collaborating on a new album - with a load of dead people!
And that hairdo - I swear it knocks 10 years off him!
belfastpete
Comment No. 704440 July 17 15:45 GBR "Genius. Why pay for parking when you can simply kick in the nearest parking meter."
Nice idea, make a note Lynne.
As Alan Partridge would say...
friendsreunited
Comment No. 704452 July 17 15:48 AUS Mike, you'll be sad too see the usual losers, who've achieved not one fraction that you have with their pitiful lives, take exception to your fine article. I always enjoyed your Radio 1 show, and as fellow spectacles wearer I view you as something of a role model.
I particularly liked your fine idea of getting young gang members involved in modern interpretive dance. Donning a single piece leotard and making expressive shapes to Kate Bush songs is what got me off heroin, so good stuff.
All in all Mike I'm sure you'd have made a brilliant mayor and I'm sure Boris will be happy to know that he has your endorsement.
mrh2
Comment No. 704458 July 17 15:49 GBR "I have the blueprint set up and ready to go for an online newspaper with every word about London, written by Londoners or by people visiting the capital. It goes without saying that there are, of course, countless issues not discussed in this limited space!"
Sorry Mike but I beat you to it 8 years ago:
martinusher
Comment No. 704461 July 17 15:50 USA You're just trying to keep him out of national politics....
Boris is a maverick, a potential embarrassment because he doesn't always keep his mouth shut and follow the party line (possibly because he has a conscience and/or half a brain, something I've tended to regard as a bit of an anomaly in Conservative MPs). What better place to get rid of him? He won't reverse the Conservative policies that have dominated NuLab thinking (much of which you talk about in the article pre-dates NuLab) but he'll be out of Parliament.
Boris. Use some common sense....I don't think London is ready for a Conservative mayor yet. They just want your ultra-safe seat for some neocon robot. Let them put some other sucker up for a candidate and stay where you can do some good.
AC89
Comment No. 704466 July 17 15:52 USA Some of Reads ideas sound good, others not so good, including scraping the congestion charge and building more car parks. If we want to tackle the climate change problem we shouldn't be making it easier for people to drive in the city. There's no reason not to take public transit. NYC's mayor is proposing a congestion charge for parts of Manhatten too and I hope he is successful.
notmelphilips
Comment No. 704468 July 17 15:53 GBR Just when I thought that for perhaps the first time ever there was going to be a cif thread with complete unanimity (not to mention all round amusement), up pops MKone. Shame on you.
Still, I can't recall anyone getting such a good all round kicking as the hapless Read.
wddr
Comment No. 704478 July 17 15:55 FIN @AllyF; "Can we have an article in support of Ken by the other Mike Reid... him off Eastenders."
Be careful what you wish for. I have it on good authority that 'the other Mike Reid' has been approached by "many influential AND political figures" from the Stop the War Coalition. As we speak he is putting the finishing touches to his policy of training hard working traffic wardens to fix broken parking meters at 2AM in the morning, at least at the weekends, and rewarding them with electric cars which are can drive in bus lanes.
smallhog
Comment No. 704485 July 17 15:59 GBR Why on earth has Mike Read even been given the space for his views? He is a total nonentity - I despair....
scrap
Comment No. 704487 July 17 15:59 GBR notmelphilips,
We were begging for more... MKone was the encore. Brilliant!
Mangog
Comment No. 704498 July 17 16:03 GBR Is this bloke Nicey or Smashey?
Haigin88
Comment No. 704501 July 17 16:03 GBR "I've had discussions with the Football Association..."
A-ha! We've finally found an argument against the sacking Second Choice Steve. Be careful what you wish for, people!
Mangog
Comment No. 704513 July 17 16:07 GBR 'I've spoken to lots of young kids in gangs or "crews" as they prefer to be known and most want to get out of a way of life that gives them nothing. Get in there ... understand their problems and give them access to sporting facilities and the chance to make music, act, dance and write. Get them integrated into society and to realise its value.'
Agreed. I'm down wit' the homeys and their "crews" myself. Let's just reduce all black kids to performing artists. That'll integrate 'em.
Wanker.
LibertyCentral
Comment No. 704524 July 17 16:09 GBR Just one tip, Mike...
If you are going to quote something out of context in order to slate a political opponent then it tends not to be a good idea to link the original article and make it easy for everyone to see what was actually said, as in...
"Mr Livingstone said he was for the Games because of the money and jobs will bring in to London, but added that the event itself does not excite him.
He said: "I have no interest in sport. I'll be bored out of my skull. But I did the Olympics for the regeneration of East London."
So Ken's not a sports fan and honest enough to admit it, that's hardly being negative, especially when as Mayor he choose to look at the economic and related positives for London and value the Olympics for that.
DaveCa
Comment No. 704531 July 17 16:12 GBR "Seeing a chance to make a real difference to a great city I thought it would be refreshing to go down a "people not politics" route..."
Once you've read a comment from a party member, contemplating standing in an election for a particular party, talking about "people not politics" you know you are in the presence of a fool.
Mangog
Comment No. 704547 July 17 16:18 GBR MIKE READ
MIKE READ
275 AND 285
MIKE READ
MIKE READ
275 AND 285
NATIONAL RADIO ONE!
God, that brings back memories of not wanting to go to school. Those urban dance classes were a right pain!
I'm about to pi55 my self here!
misharialadwani
Comment No. 704562 July 17 16:23 GBR MKone-you're right,mate..Mike Read is and always has been one of Britain's most radical,poptastic thinkers.." Ah wanna dedicate this liddle number to a Tom Hobbes, a grade guy,a fab mover an mah canditate for Lunnun Mayor..it's a grade fren of mine Mr.,hahahah,I should say,Sir..Eldon John doing his evergreen favourite,"Sadderday Nide's Awride For Voting." Thanks,Mike..hilarious...I dream of the Guardian giving us Paris Hilton's take on the Maastricht Treaty...
themanwithnoname
Comment No. 704566 July 17 16:24 GBR MKone, are you serious?
You've just endorsed the manifesto of an idiot.
GaryBaldy
Comment No. 704567 July 17 16:24 GBR I think it's shameful that Ken would stoop to getting this spoof blogpost written to discredit his rival. Particularly when Boris didn't have a cat's chance anyway. Shame on you Ken. I for one will be voting for Berezovsky who at least values London.
BellEndBush
Comment No. 704568 July 17 16:24 GBR "I've spoken to lots of young kids in gangs or "crews" as they prefer to be known"
Blimey, it's like watching your father trying to dance at a wedding.
Mikey, the funniest thread ever, cheers, and what makes it even funnier is that you're actually serious.
rolleyes
Comment No. 704574 July 17 16:26 GBR "have the blueprint set up and ready to go for an online newspaper with every word about London, written by Londoners"
Trouble is it would be almost indistinguishable from the so-called nationals anyway...
cpople
Comment No. 704581 July 17 16:27 GBR I would just like to thank all the posters on this thread for making my week. It's comments like these in response to such an ignorant, deluded rant that restore your faith in humanity.
JamesRR
Comment No. 704583 July 17 16:28 GBR Mike, is that a shih-tzu sitting on your head?
I'd hate to be you right now. For Christ's sake man, get a grip.
sergeantfox
Comment No. 704589 July 17 16:30 GBR naco:
"This angers me;a traversty, a blatant insult to our intelligence, and if the Tory actually think joking baffoon is what they have to offer the most important city in the world, then I have lost what ever little respect I had for them."
Actually, if the majority of London voters share your opinion of the city, Boris would be the ideal candidate to reflect them, in most non-Londoners' eyes.
However, I'll credit the prisoners of the M25 with being a little more sensible...
Catch22
Comment No. 704592 July 17 16:31 GBR MKone is MarkGreeon0!
KevTheRev
Comment No. 704593 July 17 16:31 USA "Due to confusion and uncertainty, bus lanes are often empty"
What, you mean the confusing big blue signs with times displayed on them? Yeah, I can see how that can lead to uncertainty.
If that's enough to confuse you, then you really shouldn't be driving.
downsman
Comment No. 704594 July 17 16:31 GBR What a feast this piece is. What a veritable smorgasbord of hilarious 'down with the crew', 'people not politics' self-deception. Worthy of Falstaff himself - "I know thee not, old man". The best laugh on CIF since it started. More please.
Terracewhiner
Comment No. 704609 July 17 16:37 USA Who is it on the Guardian who decided to print this claptrap? We must be told. It's frightening to think that he, she or it is still working there.
It is the same with Boris. Who in there right mind put him in as an MP?
Mike Read is Mike Read and Boris is Boris, but what are the rest of us doing listening to these two brain dead yahoos?
andrewthomas100
Comment No. 704616 July 17 16:38 GBR Possibly the worst, brain dead comments ever seen on Cif.
Did you actually read what Mike Read suggested? Giving kids more access to sport and music integrating them into society, a police officer on every tube entrance, underground car parks, it seemed very reasonable. Whhere were your responses? Or do you just prefer to make juvenile personal insults?
Biggest load of crap comments ever posted in the history of CiF.
jonthemilk
Comment No. 704621 July 17 16:40 GBR I used to like you as a Radio One Jock.
What happened?
Another waste of space, check out the diatribe for any recognition of climate change, Mike Read, you have turned into a pillarstone of self-interest.
Trilobyte
Comment No. 704627 July 17 16:41 GBR "I've spoken to lots of young kids in gangs or "crews" as they prefer to be known....."
Christ.
This is the man who is so down with the kidz that as a Radio One DJ he unilaterally refused to play one of (if not *the* )best and most popular pop songs of the decade because it had the word "come" in it....Does he believe that his statement above goes anyway to convincing people that he is in touch with what young people want?
I did like Pop Quiz though.
jonthemilk
Comment No. 704629 July 17 16:42 GBR I used to like you as a Radio One Jock.
What happened?
Another waste of space, check out the diatribe for any recognition of climate change, Mike Read, you have turned into a pillarstone of self-interest.
Weigy
Comment No. 704635 July 17 16:44 BEL This is from a man that used to speak to a talking crow, called "Crow". Maybe Boris could take a leaf out of MR's book and have a campaign glove puppet?
Bring back Gordon the Gopher, Ed the Duck or Otis the Aardvark out of needless retirement. Give the tuck-shop scoffing, Eton hairball what he deserves.
Anduin
Comment No. 704640 July 17 16:45 GBR Mike Read gets invited to speak at Tory conferences because I suspect some Tories think that he Has His Pulse On What Young People Think. I truly suspect that they think he's cool, if they knew what cool meant of course.
scrap
Comment No. 704648 July 17 16:47 GBR Andrewthomas100,
Woo-hoo, thanks for the endorsement. "Biggest load of crap in the history of Cif", eh? Brings a tear to my eye already... in years to come, I'll be able to tell the grandchildren - I was there.
VanDusen
Comment No. 704650 July 17 16:48 GBR Mike - has Smiley Miley pulled out as well or is it just you?
managia
Comment No. 704652 July 17 16:49 ITA I feel a little sorry for the guy now. That Saturday morning TV show seemed quite good to me (when I was very young and had no critical faculties).
But, as Wolfieman said, this is pure Patridge.
In fact, if you read it back, but in a Partridge voice, with Partridge-style delivery, you will laugh for a thousand years.
FlyingDodo
Comment No. 704666 July 17 16:55 GBR "it would be refreshing to go down a "people not politics" route and have spent a great deal of time at Westminster over the last six months"
- Right, PEOPLE not politics being defined here how?
"It's essential for Boris to be much, much tougher on the persistently antisocial, making sure that rapists, murderers and paedophiles have no place, and never will, on the streets of London, and will not threaten civilised society"
- London, of course, being the one place on earth that currently promotes these people being on the streets? Or is he suggesting that it would be fine for them to be in Leeds, just not in our capital?
"Build extensive underground car parks. Put all car parking underground. I've discussed this with major developers and it's feasible"
- Really? ALL car parking in London? Who are these major developers? Do they own Metronet?
Mike, have you actually looked at the powers of the Mayor of London? I can't actually type a response to your traffic warden suggestion, due to the tears of mirth obscuring my view (inability to touch type, sorry).
As other posters have noted, it seems that you changed the headline of your blog from "Why I am running for London Mayor (because some Tories jokingly asked me to and I didn't get the ironic subtext)" to "Why I am supporting Boris ((because some Tories jokingly asked me to and I didn't get the ironic subtext)."
TheScaryCornflake
Comment No. 704667 July 17 16:55 GBR Hey Donge!
In 'real life', as its laughably called, Pat Butcher goes out with TV newsreader Moira Stewart.
a fact that needs no punchline.
whateverandever
Comment No. 704671 July 17 16:57 GBR @wattapalava
HEAR HEAR!
GreenLake
Comment No. 704672 July 17 16:57 USA "I'm backing Boris."
Does Cliff know?
Ste67
Comment No. 704683 July 17 17:03 GBR I would like to announce that I will not be standing for Mayor of London either.
friendsreunited
Comment No. 704684 July 17 17:03 AUS jonthemilk- didn't Mike co-host Swap Shop with the great Noel Edmonds? Or am I mistaken? Anyway fantastic memories, I still recall the time I rang in to offload my old Karplunk game for a David Cassidy album. Early precursor to E-bay, so I understand.
downsman- you misunderstand Mike's intentions. This is a classic piece of post-post modernism. He intentionally rejects irony and insight as beneath him and embraces his crapness. By doing this he has moved beyond the dominate ethos of our age. He is soaring above us, like a mighty golden angel. Never mind Mikee for mayor, Mike Read for PM. You heard it here first.
Dennis1832
Comment No. 704689 July 17 17:04 GBR "Enthusing that 'it's all such fun'" whilst competing to hurl abuse at someone is just not pleasant.
I think MKone's real point was that he/she hoped that the average Guardian reader was not as ill-mannered and ignorant as most of the commentators appeared to be. I'm afraid, they are, and if you spend any time reading these columns you'll be trawling through streams of hate-filled venom. The usual response to a conservative view point is one of anger, often mixed with a suggestion that they ought to go back to the Daily Mail.
Nevertheless, at all times the Guardianista will display an unshakeable belief in his/her moral superiority and exude extreme smugness. All this hatred will be combined with the view that the left alone is reasonable.
The response to this is more like a pack of playground bullies than anything to be admired.
But many people decide it is fair game to insult some category of people or another. For some it is blacks. For some it is gays. For the average Guardianista it is anyone who disagrees with you.
There is enough to take issue with in Mr Read's article without personalising matters at all. Kindly play the man and not the ball.
drbendyspoogun
Comment No. 704715 July 17 17:14 GBR If the Andrew Thomas above is who i think it is, (are you a Shrewsbury Town fan?) then he too is a humorless Tory git.
BellEndBush
Comment No. 704718 July 17 17:14 GBR "Nevertheless, at all times the Guardianista will display an unshakeable belief in his/her moral superiority and exude extreme smugness. All this hatred will be combined with the view that the left alone is reasonable.
The response to this is more like a pack of playground bullies than anything to be admired."
Ah, nice to see the NHS are still doing humour by-passes.
muslimicity
Comment No. 704721 July 17 17:15 GBR Sorry guys, but neither will I be standing for mayor of london.
I could give a list of reasons why but I don't want to sound like a desperate tory who wants some attention.
Love
Faisal
Bluestringer
Comment No. 704722 July 17 17:15 GBR Silly pompous arse.
Not changed a bit since he decided to ban Relax from the airwaves to protect the liddle chilrun.
Never mind electric-power cars, Mike. I expect your car is powered entirely by your own self-righteousness.
Trilobyte
Comment No. 704724 July 17 17:16 GBR @Dennis1832 We are playing the man and not the ball-make your mind up man! To be fair I think there is plenty of critial comment about MR's laughable policy ideas in amongst the comments about his hair and Cliff Richard, if you look hard enough.
@The Scary Cornflake Is that true? Really really truly true, as my 5 year old daughter would say?
paulhs
Comment No. 704726 July 17 17:17
"Mike Read gets invited to speak at Tory conferences because I suspect some Tories think that he Has His Pulse On What Young People Think"
I think, sadly this probably isn't too far off the mark, although maybe the first time was in 1981, and the second time 1984. Maybe he still has business cards printed with "Celebrity DJ" written on them. It doesn't say in the profile (which is funnier than the article).
Alternatively maybe they think he is the Eastenders actor. I think the conversation went like this:
"OK, so we got the wrong Mike Read the last two times but this time his agent assures me that we really have got Frank Butcher this time"
DaveCa
Comment No. 704727 July 17 17:18 GBR andrewthomas100:
"Did you actually read what Mike Read suggested? Giving kids more access to sport and music integrating them into society, a police officer on every tube entrance, underground car parks, it seemed very reasonable. Whhere were your responses? Or do you just prefer to make juvenile personal insults?!"
Didn't you spot that these were the 'ideas' of a man not standing for election? When endorsing a candidate wouldn't it be better to support his manifesto, rather than sketch out your own manifesto - one that you won't be presenting?
Do I prefer making juvenile personal insults? Of course I do, when dealing with the juvenile ideas of a man far to old to merit paternal forbearance.
Love
Comment No. 704736 July 17 17:19 GBR 'As I've decided not to stand, I'm going to get behind the man who is. I'll be available, if needed, to help Boris raise London's spirit and profile and become London mayor.'
Don't hold your breath, or then again...
notmelphilips
Comment No. 704738 July 17 17:20 GBR Dennis1382: "Kindly play the man and not the ball."
Are you sure this is what you mean? If so, to compare Mike Read with a gonad is about the cruellest thing that has been said on this thread. Seriously - if necessary - the whole article is so riddled with self-delusion and self-satisfaction that there is no distinction between man and ball. Hence the tenor of the comments made.
Back to Read: "... many people in the party urging me forward". I have the feeling this often happens to him at parties, in the sense of 'go forward and multiply'.
deepblue
Comment No. 704751 July 17 17:23 FRA Thanks all - with two notable exceptions, if I remember correctly .
Best laugh I've had in ages.
timesnewroman
Comment No. 704753 July 17 17:24 GBR Who is Mike Read and why would anyone care what he thought, or wrote about?
legslikeaspider
Comment No. 704759 July 17 17:27 GBR Mike: you're a self important twit. I've never read a piece so lacking in self-deprecation or indeed self-awareness.
How's life at the 'BigL' anyway? Still losing your station's owners 20 grand a month?
Catch22
Comment No. 704761 July 17 17:28 GBR Dennis1832: "I think MKone's real point was that he/she hoped that the average Guardian reader was not as ill-mannered and ignorant as most of the commentators appeared to be. I'm afraid, they are, and if you spend any time reading these columns you'll be trawling through streams of hate-filled venom. The usual response to a conservative view point is one of anger, often mixed with a suggestion that they ought to go back to the Daily Mail."
Dennis, Dennis Thatcher is that really you? Have you too been collaborating with Mike Read from beyond the grave?
LesterJones
Comment No. 704766 July 17 17:29 SWE @Andrewthomas100 @MKone @Dennis1382
You three will be voting for Mike Reid then will you?
Dont let the fact he isnt standing get in the way.
(Thats three votes less for Boris then)
Who wouldnt want the backing of a delusional ex-DJ?
lansing
Comment No. 704769 July 17 17:32 GBR Will we Londoners all get free 'Tee-Hee' mugs ?
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 704774 July 17 17:35 GBR Possibly the best and funniest (ok, a bit harsh in places) set of CiF comments ever.
Thing is, I've worked with people who come up with shallow and daft ideas and then claim that unidentified people such as 'developers' are behind it. Of course they don't actually follow through, they just blame circumstances or other people for not being able to put their genius into practice. Following through would mean showing the world that they really are full of it.
Arblemarch
Comment No. 704777 July 17 17:36 USA 'Finally, in brief, explore more usage of the Thames'
Maybe we could throw you in it, Mike?
Kalumba
Comment No. 704779 July 17 17:38 GBR Mike Reid: do you have concrete well researched reasons for banning bendy buses and scrapping the congestion charge? If so include them here.
Or is it that your views come from pure instinctive prejudice and that you just dont like them?
JamesRR
Comment No. 704781 July 17 17:39 GBR Dennis1382 get a grip will you?
If anything, the comments made against Mike Read haven't been strong enough.
Not only has he committed gross crimes against the music industry and crimes against hair, he has single-handedly managed to write the most purile piece of crap ever to be produced for The Guardian newspaper.
Mike must have known what was in for after writing that article. Although saying that, given that he's such a self-important, big-headed, pompous old prude, he probably wouldn't.
LordLuvaduck
Comment No. 704790 July 17 17:42 FRA Well..
A momentous moment for London. Two great British intellects stand shoulder to shoulder. Mike Reid-Read is backing Boris.
What more is there to be said?
benmids
Comment No. 704795 July 17 17:45 GBR Oh my...I've never enjoyed a blog as much as this one....ever! My eyes rolled when I saw the pic of Mike 'relax..don't do it' Read. But then all was forgiven...have you ever read such vacuous, ill infomed stuff...it's like an answer to a gcse question!
He should be promoted to work for the UKIP...now the other ego Kilroy Silk is off the scene...
Pure comedy...thanks Mikey...hope I never get invited to your 'crew'!! Haha
Notgullible
Comment No. 704803 July 17 17:48 GBR Guardian readers are just showing their ignorance. Mike Read is not just a 'has-been' radio DJ as most assume. He also wrote and directed a West End musical called, Oscar Wilde: The Musical, which opened at the Shaw Theatre in 2004. True - it closed the following day after poor reviews (The Telegraph said it was "hard to feel anything other than incredulous contempt") but it illustrates that he can apply his talent to other areas besides politics.
And as for the Tory Conference, if Labour can have President Clinton and Nelson Mandella, why can't the Tories have Mike Read.
You Guardian readers need to stay in a bit more.
DrippingCopperPots
Comment No. 704816 July 17 17:52 GBR "Let's train traffic wardens to exercise common sense.."
There are training courses for exercising common sense now? Fantastic! You know, they really do think of everything in London. Probably why Mike felt he didn't have to prior to posting. Couldn't get his mind off them bendy buses I'll bet. Bless him, the silly old sausage...
HermanHesse
Comment No. 704819 July 17 17:52 It has a really gone down hill since Saturday Superstore hasn't it. Face it Read you are washed up and the 80's revival has pretty much ignored you. Voting for Boris ain't the going to make it all "COME" back.
Sp where next ? I suspect entertaining the eldery is just a care home away.
PS. Tosser is not a swear word. Read you are a Tory Tosser.
wddr
Comment No. 704830 July 17 17:59 FIN When asked to comment about The Smiths song 'Panic' (the one that goes "Hang the DJ, Hang the DJ, Hang the DJ..."), I remember Mike Read saying something along the lines of "well, Morrisey has obviously just washed his dinner jacket and is hanging it up to dry." The man is quite clearly a comic genius. You people should be ashamed of yourselves, mocking a person just because they have no idea what they're talking about, and a Shawaddywaddy haircut.
paulhs
Comment No. 704831 July 17 17:59
I just looked at the website for Big L, Mike's new employees. The website (http://www.bigl.co.uk/) says (I kid you not):
"Fed up with bland radio stations playing the same songs over and over again?"
Priceless.
2bapilgrim
Comment No. 704832 July 17 17:59 GBR Please oh please lets have more of this. I'm really looking forward to the Boris! campaign and a mounting crescendo of idiocy and pratfalls. The only problem is that Mike Read has started the process off at such a high level that it's hard to imagine where it goes to next. Sacha Baron Cohen would have difficulty inventing characters as stupid and opinionated as Mike Read and as arrogant and accident prone as Boris!
chiff67
Comment No. 704839 July 17 18:02 GBR (*snort*) ...that's the noise of me lauging into my sleeve at work...
Did any of you click the link to 'conservative conference'?? Look at the heading...
'A New Direction'....haha...I bet if the old prude knew he'd be talking about a 'nude erection' he'd not have come back for a third...
hmmm...and I was wondering why they can't get elected....
This is priceless...pure unadultarated comedy...I hope his ego takes a reality check...
(*snort!*)
GeorgeH
Comment No. 704840 July 17 18:02 GBR I think the guardian put this online to make Polly Toynebee's article on the same subject look stronger, no?
moook
Comment No. 704843 July 17 18:03 GBR Jesus wept
I hope the Guardian isn't paying for this self-important piffle.
cheesemeister
Comment No. 704846 July 17 18:04 GBR In a similar vein, I've decided not to put my name forward for the first test on Thursday.
Vencio
Comment No. 704847 July 17 18:04 GBR Hilarious!! FYI, here's what the BBC wrote in Jan 2007
DJ Read steps up Tory mayor bid
Ex-Radio 1 DJ Mike Read is stepping up his campaign to be the Conservative candidate for London mayor in 2008.
Mr Read said he was seeking financial backers after being assured by the party he would be taken seriously and not treated as a "lightweight".
The Tories were forced to extend their search for someone to take on Ken Livingstone in 2008 after being turned down by several well-known figures.
Radio presenter Nick Ferrari pulled out of the race last year.
Others thought to have turned the party down include Lord Coe and former Metropolitan police chief, Lord Stevens. Actor Tom Conti is still thought to be considering a bid for the nomination, which has been thrown open to non-party members in an effort to boost interest. Encouraged
Mr Read told the BBC News website he had been urged to consider standing by Tory activists after he made a speech at the party's annual conference.
He said he had also been very encouraged by a meeting with party chairman Francis Maude.
"I actually played my own devil's advocate. I told him I don't want to be perceived as a token, lightweight celebrity. "I left the door open for him to say 'don't do it, I think you would be too lightweight'."
But Mr Maude assured the broadcaster he would be taken seriously and that the party was looking for someone well-known to take on Labour's Mr Livingstone.
SeymourKlereley
Comment No. 704848 July 17 18:04 GBR Did you cross paths with that other champion of the people, Jim Davidson, at your conferences, Mike?
Glad you didn't waste your towering intellect with Labour get-togethers - they only had that uppity negro, Neslon Mandela.
Total knob.
GaryBaldy
Comment No. 704861 July 17 18:10 it gets better and better. there's a link to the "printable version". there's a printable version?
Catch22
Comment No. 704865 July 17 18:11 GBR Notgullible: "Guardian readers are just showing their ignorance. Mike Read is not just a 'has-been' radio DJ as most assume. He also wrote and directed a West End musical called, Oscar Wilde: The Musical, which opened at the Shaw Theatre in 2004. True - it closed the following day after poor reviews (The Telegraph said it was "hard to feel anything other than incredulous contempt") but it illustrates that he can apply his talent to other areas besides politics."
Yes how awful of us, we are so uncultured, as his profile tells us Mike has put 30 John Betjemans poems to music and had them sung by many top names.
In fact you'll find an album of them nominated for this year's mercury music prize, the Arctic Monkeys, Favourite Worst Nightmare.
Rilly
Comment No. 704870 July 17 18:13 GBR Mike, love the mayoral promotional merchandise idea. I know someone who can do you 50,000 'Frankie says choose Boris' t-shirts really cheap. Let me know what you think
nickproctor
Comment No. 704872 July 17 18:15 GBR Today, having given the matter considerable thought, I have decided to withdraw my bid to be elected Mayor of London and wish, instead, to give my support to the former-DJ and poet Mike Read in his bid not to be elected Mayor of London either. However, although I will no longer be seeking higher office, I would ask that the former-DJ and novelist, who has been similarly dissauded from testing the support of Metropolitan voters, to consider instead playing some records on the radio station Big L, where he can be found along with other DJs who are not seeking to be elected Mayor of London, like David Hamilton and Adrian Johns.
It is in this vein that I ask him, in all sincerity, to consider a request for my cousin Mary-Louise, whose birthday it will be on Thursday. She will be 46,is a particular fan of Duran Duran and remembers the former-DJ and Shelley collaborator from his days on Swap-Shop, or whatever the programme was that replaced the one with Noel Edmonds on it. Would it be possible for him to play Union of the Snake? Which reminds me - has Noel considered not-running for Mayor of London. Or Jimmy Saville, now that Jimmy is no longer running for Stoke Mandeville?
BrianGriffen
Comment No. 704874 July 17 18:15 GBR Well, if a monkey can become mayor of Hartlepool... no, Mike Read should definitely not become mayor of London.
Twanglow
Comment No. 704884 July 17 18:21 GBR Lordy. Read the profile, if anything it's even better.
LondonE2
Comment No. 704887 July 17 18:23 GBR Mike, you had no credibility even in your DJ days (as was brutally obvious even to an impressionable 12-year-old girl). The hubris-ridden belief that your endorsement will sway anyone in Boris's favour (rather than making him seem even more embarrassing) would be hilarious if it didn't expose the Guardian's descent into near-tabloid populism in publishing your column at all. As for Boris: he was in my year at Oxford and, if I recall correctly, couldn't operate the college washing machine without help. Enough said.
Tadlhe
Comment No. 704889 July 17 18:24 GBR LMAF
Flashingblade
Comment No. 704891 July 17 18:24 'It's essential for Boris to be much, much tougher on the persistently antisocial, making sure that rapists, murderers and paedophiles have no place, and never will, on the streets of London, and will not threaten civilised society.'
And you can tell who they are by what exactly? Their 'I'm a a rapist/murderer/paedophile' t-shirt? And the policeman at every tubest staion will do what eaxctly? Scare away every middle-eastern looking person with a ruck-sack? Come on Mike, there's a reason why this kind of populist bollocks spouted by the Tory party over 18 years in power was finally given the great FO.
Ieuan
Comment No. 704894 July 17 18:25 MAR jeremyjames said: "In the morning, Polly Toynbee wins the election for Boris Johnson and in the afternoon Mike Reid (who he?) instantly loses it again."
My feelings exactly.
"Who says the Guardian doesn't do irony?"
Not irony, I reckon that the Guardian crew got so spooked by the responses to PT's blog that they put this one up as black propaganda.
This has to be a joke, right?
JonnyB
Comment No. 704902 July 17 18:28 GBR Tsk! I am disappointed at the tone of this debate. Might I ask that people stop being immature and snipey and address the serious and weighty content of the article?
What stood out for me was:
>>"Create a London laureate to extol the virtues of the city in song and verse"
An excellent idea. It would need to be somebody who fancies themself as a songwriter and poet; somebody with an excellent track record in music - perhaps, for the sake of smoothing the way politically, somebody who has endorsed and supports one of the leading mayoral candidates...?
The thing is - I just CAN'T think of anybody who would fit this bill. Obviously many of the top contenders would be too modest to perhaps put themselves forward for the job.
Can anybody suggest a name?
Flashingblade
Comment No. 704904 July 17 18:28 'It's essential for Boris to be much, much tougher on the persistently antisocial, making sure that rapists, murderers and paedophiles have no place, and never will, on the streets of London, and will not threaten civilised society.'
And you can tell who they are by what exactly? Their 'I'm a a rapist/murderer/paedophile' t-shirt? And the policeman at every tube staion will do what eaxctly? Scare away every middle-eastern looking person with a ruck-sack? Keep an eye on that dodgy looking Big Issue seller? Come on Mike, there's a reason why this kind of bollocks - that was spouted incessantly by your Tory party during their 18 years in power - was finally given the great FO.
pastis
Comment No. 704906 July 17 18:28 FRA "Let's train Traffic wardens to.... reward people who work hard"
What did you have in mind Mike? A copy of Dollar's greatist hits? Front row sits at the kajagoogoo reunion concert?
Derivative
Comment No. 704912 July 17 18:30 GBR Oh I see, it's all a plug for the online newspaper that the lovely Mike Read has the 'blueprint' for.
Tragic really, if it wasn't so awe-inspiringly hilarious. Still, Johnson's hardly a credible candidate himself.
ReynardtheFox
Comment No. 704915 July 17 18:33 GBR Raise London's profile? Exactly how much higher does the profile of one the world's largest, most famous and richest cities which pretty much everyone on the planet has heard of and knows about with the possible exception of a few uncontacted tribes in the Paraguayan Gran Chaco, need to be raised? If he was standing for Mayor of Doncaster then maybe.
Or are we just repeating buzz phrases without really thinking about them?
pinktower
Comment No. 704916 July 17 18:33 CHN Mike played Happiness is a warm gun on his Capital Gold show once. I think he did it to show he is harder and cooler than you think. So there. And I remember when Freddie Mecury died he eulogised Queen by saying something like '5 number 2s and 2 number 1s, it doesn't get better than that.' (It gets alot better and so it doesn't do justice to Queen to quote those statistics.) But I digress. Nobody is going to bring back the beloved Routemasters. End of story. Neither would a mayor want to lose the cash made from the Congestion Charge. Fact. Tories always talk about cutting down on crime but they never actually have any idea how. Groundhog day. But underground car parks? I like it. You could finance it by scrapping the congestion charge.
notmelphilips
Comment No. 704924 July 17 18:38 GBR This really is an excellent thread - the best since the one about hidden political meanings in board games, but whereas that only attracted a few, but hilarious, posts, this one might reach the 1000 mark if we keep at it. I wonder if Mike Read will respond? Or better still, if CiF will give him a regular blog to add to the gaiety of the nation.
I nearly choked on my teacake at notgullible's excellent contribution: "He also wrote and directed a West End musical called, Oscar Wilde: The Musical, which opened at the Shaw Theatre in 2004. True - it closed the following day after poor reviews (The Telegraph said it was "hard to feel anything other than incredulous contempt") but it illustrates that he can apply his talent to other areas besides politics."
I'm not normally a fan of the Torygraph, but 'hard to feel anything but incredulous contempt' does indeed sum things up.
Ah well, time to go to some other threads for a bit of ill-tempered and witless jousting.
bill40
Comment No. 704939 July 17 18:48 GBR this is the best thread i have ever read. just a shame i had to read the drivel that preceded the hilarious posts. God i wish London had elected this dude as i believe London only exists for me to laugh at. still our Bozza will do the job just fine for me. As i always stress i live nowhere near the dump, I hate cockneys with a passion, cor blimey guv'ner and you know where you can stick your jellied eels.
Go Boris!
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 704944 July 17 18:52 GBR Never before have I actually bothered to read all the posts on CiF... but this is priceless... keep it up.
"I'd like to see Boris push for a police officer on every tube entrance/exit so that underground miscreants know that their exit route is effectively sealed. "
Anyone tried to single-handedly 'effectively seal' a tube exit at rush hour?
And I thought it was common sense that common sense is something which can't be taught... as in, it's sense, and it's common.
Is Read suggesting here that it would be 'common sense' for traffic wardens not to give tickets to people who are illegally parked???
Muppet.
Rilly
Comment No. 704948 July 17 18:53 GBR I'd like to apply for the 'London Laureate' job that Mike suggests.
'Mr Livingstone I presume' said Boris came the reply 'but I was expecting Steve Norris' from the post of London mayor I've been freed and it's all down to that article by Mike Read So I'm off to Caracas to find solace
If I don't get the job, maybe I could write the lyrics for Mike's next musical
DaveCa
Comment No. 704961 July 17 18:58 GBR notmelphilips:
"Ah well, time to go to some other threads for a bit of ill-tempered and witless jousting."
You could always try Brian Brivati's article. It's a bit like Mike Read's, but with academic credentials.
davidabsalom
Comment No. 704965 July 17 18:59 GBR "If I don't get the job, maybe I could write the lyrics for Mike's next musical"
Sorry, Riley, only the dead get to collaborate with Mike Read.
deb1
Comment No. 704967 July 17 18:59 GBR Can't comment. This is too funny. One of those are crying laughter moments.
ljepo
Comment No. 704968 July 17 18:59 ESP Can't add much to the very funny comments except to say that Mikey was actually in talks with the Tories back in January: http://politicalquote.blogspot.com/2007/01/ken-can-relax-if-mike-read-runs-for.html
Some good quotes just to show that today's article wasn't a one off....
Err...big mistake Mike.
Wrong Mike!
Wrong again!
On a serious note I remember a time when we in Britain looked down our noses at the Americans for electing an actor as President. We thought the same about Indian and Pakistan as they elected singers, film stars and ex-cricketers. Now it seems to be Britain which is leading the way in the process of celebrties becoming politicians and indeed politicians craving to be celebrities.
What next.... a blogger's alliance to stand in the next general election?
Prodicus
Comment No. 704973 July 17 19:02 GBR Mike Read may not be the brightest lamp in the box, but on the other hand, who the hell would vote for anyone supported by the charmless 90 percent of posters on this thread who are so acid-mouthed they must have trouble smiling at their own mothers, even if said ladies would admit to having borne them. Viva Boris.
Barmyoldkak
Comment No. 704984 July 17 19:07 USA Everyone please remember this pice when it comes to nominating your favourite articles at the end of the year- it reads like it comes from a time capsule from the early-mid 90s..... cheered me up no end.
LesterJones
Comment No. 704986 July 17 19:07 SWE In his profile strangely disconcerting ex-DJ Mike Reid claims to be collaborating with Shelley, Byron, Kipling, Auden, Shakespeare, Dylan Thomas, Tennyson and Wordsworth?!
How is that possible?
prontopronto
Comment No. 704993 July 17 19:09 GBR mike read,
i know your heart is in the right place but thanks for making me really really laugh.
and thanks to the guardian for putting this in comment, it's magical stuff.
i love the guardian sometimes, i really do.
paulhs
Comment No. 704994 July 17 19:10
His musical couldn't have been that bad.
So I too checked the review:
Read was blasted last year for his work on the Cliff Richard tribute musical Cliff, but here outdoes himself in tackiness. This sorry biomusical, chosen - madly - to relaunch the Shaw Theatre on Euston Road as a dynamic off-West End space, passes golden genius through the filter of presumptuous mediocrity and produces over two hours of leaden dross. Were it on the radio, you might just about tolerate it as background noise; played out before drooping eyes on a spartan stage, it's excruciating.
The review ends:
it's as a pitiful vanity project, not as a serious West End contender, that the evening is best understood.
I think Troy McClure from The Simpsons was cast in the part of Oscar.
AndyV
Comment No. 705008 July 17 19:15 GBR If Londoners vote for bumbling Boris, then they are more stupid than even I think they are.
BrianGriffen
Comment No. 705017 July 17 19:22 GBR I know somebody who would vote for Mike Read...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_Tulip_Rose_Read
carlweathers
Comment No. 705020 July 17 19:23 GBR @JonnyB: [>>"Create a London laureate to extol the virtues of the city in song and verse"
An excellent idea. It would need to be somebody who fancies themself as a songwriter and poet; somebody with an excellent track record in music - perhaps, for the sake of smoothing the way politically, somebody who has endorsed and supports one of the leading mayoral candidates...?
The thing is - I just CAN'T think of anybody who would fit this bill. Obviously many of the top contenders would be too modest to perhaps put themselves forward for the job.
Can anybody suggest a name?]
I'm thinking a former DJ with little if any credibility but who is looking to make a come-back and has some interesting if not mainstream thoughts to bring to the table....
I'm thinking JONATHAN KING!
downsman
Comment No. 705024 July 17 19:24 GBR For anyone not yet totally laughed out, I second the poster above who recommends clicking onto Mike's profile above. It just gets sillier as it goes on - and he obviously can't see it.
followyourheart
Comment No. 705027 July 17 19:25 GBR So, with all his 'other' more lucrative interests, how many hours per week would he devote to doing a 'good' job?
Orthodoxcaveman
Comment No. 705031 July 17 19:27 GBR Thanks Mike for giving me such a good laugh...I still can't decide whether Prodicus is Dave lee Travis, Noel Edmunds, or Simon Bates.
bolivarsbastard
Comment No. 705040 July 17 19:33 USA Guys, don't you get it? This is Cameron's way of getting rid of Boris cheaply. Once Boris bungles the London election, Cameron doesn't have to waste time or space giving him any sort of post. This means less embarrassment, and the chance to find someone who doesn't come across as a caricature of Conservative values, not to mention common sense. Of course, if Boris wins (and I see pigs orbiting the Tower first!) then Cameron can talk about his brilliant strategy. Either way, the Slick One is a winner.
LordLuvaduck
Comment No. 705055 July 17 19:39 FRA This entry was tagged with the following keywords: mikeread ego loony smashygoesbonkers ricepudding gaga istherehoneystillfortea
davidabsalom
Comment No. 705058 July 17 19:41 GBR "More than 30,000 UK playing fields have gone under Labour..."
Is there any authority to this figure? 30,000 seems a little high - it's roughly 8 a day - but I can't believe a major cultural icon and serious political contender like Mike Read would just plonk down the first figure that came into his head.
Benulek
Comment No. 705063 July 17 19:43 POL Wow, this has been fun. And I don't think much of this has been particularly 'acid-tongued', as one spoiler put it. This thread is evidence that sometimes it's impossible for a group of ordinary, averagely intelligent and self-aware human beings NOT to find something funny. The thing is, people often say something like 'this could be by Craig Brown' when they want to deflate some or other pomposity. But this is different- this really COULD be Craig Brown! I don't think the majority of posters are being particularly vitriolic- it's just that so much of this goes so unerringly to some primal comic reflex that pretty much any kind of comment or quotation is going to set off another round of laughter. There is an element of car crash, and that's perhaps cruel, but we don't appear to be dealing with what you might call one of the less self-regarding members of the species. I'm sure his ego can take it.
Like I said, it's been fun. Cheers CiFers, you made 37C in Warsaw much more bearable.
HenryB62
Comment No. 705064 July 17 19:43 GBR All these articles on Boris make a pleasant relief from the endless diatribe of Islamic propaganda. I was beginning to think the Guardian was run by and for a cranky religous sect.
paulhs
Comment No. 705066 July 17 19:44
And I guess if Boris were to win, who would get the first refusal on writing, composing and directing the musical?
TheDoctorOfLetters
Comment No. 705068 July 17 19:44 GBR What intellectual power! Integrity! Humility! And in one so young! You remain an inspiring figure for the youth of today, Big Mike. Hats off to the Guardian for giving you the space to distribute your sage counsel. Could we persuade you to run for the Head of the UN, instead?
formerlefty
Comment No. 705090 July 17 19:53 GBR To the poster who suggested 'MKOne' who defended Mr Read, must be the great man himself, I point out that he mentioned George Galloway in his post, thus displaying a far greater knowledge of the minutiae of politics than Mike is likely to have.
And on reading all the above posts, I'm starting to think maybe _all_ of CiF should be written by clapped-out staggeringly egotistical former DJs.
Instead of coming away from my PC full of negative feelings of anger over fraught political topics or worrying if I've posted something that 'went too far' or feeling depressed that someone I disagree with made a convincing argument, I found myself chuckling merrily. Been a long time since I chuckled merrily.
Let's have more. Perhaps Simon Bates on global warming, DLT on the private finance initiative...
PaddyTaffy
Comment No. 705097 July 17 19:56 FIN This is hilarious - the first comment can't really be topped... you couldn't make this up.
I, too, hereby rule myself out of the mayoral race. Thank you.
BrianGriffen
Comment No. 705099 July 17 19:57 GBR Carlweathers
unfortunately, according to Mike Read, there will no place on the streets of London for paedophiles such as Jonathan King.
Kaitain
Comment No. 705105 July 17 20:02 CAN I always thought that Smashy sounded most like Peter Powell ("Hi, gorgeous!") and Nicey was largely based on Alan Freeman.
DoctorShadrak
Comment No. 705106 July 17 20:03 GBR good job you changed your mind Mike, your a Twat and no one would would have voted for you anyway.
I hate Ken Livingstone, with a passion [some remarks were removed at this point - CiF Moderation] and as a Londoner I feel helpless that I am unable to unseat him.
but Boris ? you have got to be joking, a Tory toff, what has he got in common with me and millions of other londoners (that dont live in Chelsea) and what could be possibly understand about life in Tower Hamlets or Barking or Fortune Green or Hanwell or Stratford or Tooting. Tory twats like him and Cameron represent everything that is reprehensible and abhorrent in todays hopelessly out of touch politicians, all of them should be burned at the stake for the mess we are in, me and the missus make 70k a year between us and we cant afford to buy a decent 2 bedroom flat in Wandsworth, the lot of them are a bunch of b^*%$&ds
themanwithnoname
Comment No. 705107 July 17 20:05 GBR Read also claims to be the author of 35 published books and written songs for 10 stage musicals and dozens of songs for major recording artists.
Has anyone ever read, heard, listened or saw any of this mans great works. I know I haven't, apart from his pathetic ill thought out policies for london.
twinger
Comment No. 705119 July 17 20:15 GBR A few words in Mike Read's favour, despite the fact that he has turned into just another disgruntled motorist in the 20 years since I last heard of him.
1. Superstore was much better than SwapShop: Read had a good rapport with children and was great on the phones. 2. re banning of Relax: it's easy to mock now from the vantage point of an age where Channel 4 are allowed to show Friends with all its sexual innuendo at 10 on a Saturday morning. The sex genie is truly out of the bottle. But I have a lot of time for people like Mary Whitehouse who tried to hold things up and I'm happy I grew up in decades where it was still possible to shock and be shocking. 3. to give some context to people who weren't there, Wham's Wham Rap was only allowed to be played after 10pm because it glorified life on the dole.
zangdook
Comment No. 705120 July 17 20:16 GBR Deleted by mailed fist of CIF moderator.
Notgullible
Comment No. 705125 July 17 20:19 GBR Typically some Guardian readers couldn't take my earlier stance on Mike Reid. There are those in the world who actually admire people like Mike.
However I'm sure they aren't the sandal-wearing, veggie, 'Save-The-Whales Guardian types who snear at the Osmonds, Englebert, Richard Clayderman, Chris De Burgh, Family of Man, and James Blunt.
To find another take on Mike, about his charity work, watch the 5 minute animated film 'Mike Read Superhero' (which also includes Cliff and Simon Bates) which you can find on -
http://eclectech.co.uk/mikeread-superhero.php
ThurrockHunt
Comment No. 705126 July 17 20:20 GBR @ Kaitain
I think Harry Enfield said that Smashy was based on Tony Blackburn, but Mike was clearly influenced by the great man.
Mike, seriously, you should rethink the hair. You're starting to look like Zelda out of Terrahawks.
moook
Comment No. 705154 July 17 20:34 GBR From the great man's profile:
"Mike has just finished an album collaborating with many literary greats including Shelley, Byron, Kipling, Auden, Shakespeare, Dylan Thomas, Tennyson and Wordsworth"
As you can't collaborate with a dead person, being that they're dead, Mike obviously has a time machine. Who knows, he could even be the real life Doctor! As mayor, he could probably get the Olympic debacle sorted with a swipe of his sonic screwdriver. Mike for Mayor!
[An additional remark, quoting part of a comment which was deleted, was removed at this point. CiF Moderation]
GreenLake
Comment No. 705155 July 17 20:35 USA twinger:
1) No WAY Saturday Superstore was better than Swap Shop. It wasn't even as good as TisWas.
2) The sex genie was long out of the bottle when Smashy put the mockers on Relax. Mary Whitehouse and her ilk were trying to push us back to a time of sexual repression, guilt and humiliation. I'm happy my kids won't have to grow up thinking sex is icky and shameful.
3) I don't remember Wham Rap being being restricted to the post 10pm time slot! Really? Well, so what? That doesn't justify banning Relax, does it?
themanwith noname:
As a wedding gift, some friends of mine gave me and the new missus a book, the title of which I forget, that listed what Cliff Richard was doing on every single day from 1958 to 1993. The "editor" of this tome? Step forward one Michael "Smashy" Read.
notmelphilips
Comment No. 705157 July 17 20:36 GBR formerlefty: "Instead of coming away from my PC full of negative feelings of anger over fraught political topics or worrying if I've posted something that 'went too far' or feeling depressed that someone I disagree with made a convincing argument ..."
Excellent. I thought I was the only one.
themanwithnoname: "Has anyone ever read, heard, listened or saw any of this mans great works?"
Didn't he do 'War and Peace' and 'Finnegan's Wake'? Actually that last one could almost be true.
Keep it up folks, and there'll be more posts on this thread than on Polly Toynbee.
wddr
Comment No. 705162 July 17 20:40 FIN Just when I thought this thread was beginning to dry up, Twinger comes up with this gem:
"A few words in Mike Read's favour... Superstore was much better than SwapShop"
So the only thing in this guy's favour is that he isn't Noel Edmonds.
Benulek
Comment No. 705170 July 17 20:42 POL Given Mike's rapport with gangs- sorry, 'crews'- of misguided youth, perhaps he could focus his energies on some pastoral work with individuals whose past appetites for violence and wanton vandalism might still prove a threat to the interests of decent, upstanding, law-abiding (apart from the silly, inconvenient ones of course) Londoners.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/02/14/noxford14.xml
JamesRR
Comment No. 705184 July 17 20:52 GBR Dear, dear Mike. I've heard of car-crash television, but this is pure car-crash 'journalism' (and I use the term loosely).
Never before in the history of online news has one man and one article been mocked so comprehensively, wholeheartedly and unanimously.
We could have sent Mike Read to Northern Ireland in the 1980's. He's the one thing that could have united all the factions together - united in utter contempt of Mike Read's ability to be a complete and utter twat.
At the end of each of his paragraphs, I'm still expecting an Alan Partridge style "needless to say I had the last laugh..."
Someone should contact a museum so we can have this article stored and displayed for public viewing for all eternity so any aspiring journalist / politician can see how not to act if you actually want to succeed in life.
I can see a 'Mike Read' definition in the dictionary - Mike Read, noun, 1. Twat, 2. Attempting to be credible when mocked by the world around you, 3. A human error, an anomoly, a blip, a mistake, a stain on the fabric of humanity etc.
I notice this is Mike Read's first article for the Guardian. It will also be his last.
zangdook
Comment No. 705191 July 17 20:55 GBR Hey, kids and kidettes, here's a link to that review in the Torygraph!
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/arts/main.jhtml?xml=/arts/2004/10/21/btdc21.xml
Chavette
Comment No. 705192 July 17 20:56 Still laughing here.
Please can we have Bruno Brookes' analysis of the global warming crisis next?
easterman
Comment No. 705199 July 17 21:01 IRL Deleted by self-moderator
PorFavor
Comment No. 705205 July 17 21:03 GBR Not standing? And I was convinced that he was a veritable Whittington.
nobodyisinnocent
Comment No. 705208 July 17 21:04 GBR cor blimey gov!
did those years in the real life fly on the wall documentary called east enders playing cockney wanker pay for the face lift/shrivel and hair do/don't (delete as you see fit)?
GreenLake
Comment No. 705216 July 17 21:08 USA JamesRR: "I notice this is Mike Read's first article for the Guardian. It will also be his last."
I bloody hope not! This is the best CiF thread ever. The least they should do is give him a weekly column.
DickTurnip
Comment No. 705219 July 17 21:09 GBR I'm still not convinced. this HAS to be a spoof. But I really, really hope it isn't. ps. I think the MR banning "relax" is a bit of an urban myth a bit like the Jockie Wilson pic. anyway, my money is on Steve Coogan.... for the spoof authorship I mean, not the mayoral situation.
frothwrath
Comment No. 705226 July 17 21:12 GBR Isn't this article a bit previous, Mike? What happens if Boris isn't selected as the Tory candidate?
ThurrockHunt
Comment No. 705240 July 17 21:25 GBR I was listening the day Mike banned 'Relax' - I think he said it was 'overtly obscene'. I was on the way to Mitcham, and I had to stop because I was laughing too hard to drive.
Flatcap
Comment No. 705243 July 17 21:26 GBR Er - who is this guy Mike Read? Is he famous for something?
Benulek
Comment No. 705247 July 17 21:30 POL I think tousle-haired sexual predator Boris may be disappointed when Mike Read informs him that the 'mayoral situation' has got nothing to do with a bit of how's-yer-father with the Shadow Leader of the House of Commons.
Sorry.
It's late.
misharialadwani
Comment No. 705254 July 17 21:33 GBR GreenLake-"...give him a weekly column." Amen to that..at first,I felt a smidgen of guilt at taking potshots at such an obvious imbecile,you know,shooting fish in a barrel-but,hey,he set himself up as a target,he mustn't be shocked if people take aim...at this juncture,I would like to announce that my cat,Pongo,has decided to withdraw from the Mayoral race.He is far too busy collaborating with the late Andrew Lord Website on a musical biography of Mike Read,tentatively entitled,"Beavers From Outer Space Ate My Brain And Left A Dead Chinchilla Nailed To My Head." It's for the best,really...
robertdaniel
Comment No. 705264 July 17 21:38 GBR well done Mike !!!
this is just the common sense approach that we are crying out for and I agree that Boris is just the man for the job.
Boris is the right man to deliver the necessary toughness on paedophiles and the anti-social, especially with his fantastic experience in crime and social problems ** He would have the neccesary understanding and empathy from his background, for instance he would much better than that posh tory bloke, cant remember his name??, who upset Liverpool and Portsmouth with those outrageous, but hardly offensive, comments.
Secondly in regards to the bored "crews" you are so right to highlight their plights of boredom, something needs to be done. But they need worry of future dullness, im only in my twenties but ive heard of great street parties during the early eighties in brixton, toxteth and bristol. well someone said lots of people got battered.
and finally yes lets get more police on the underground or further still introduce bouncers so we can be totally sure that those undesirable are hassled and harassed or better still not let in.
you have made a brave and unselfish decision to stand aside mr reed, but lets get behind the man that matters.
BORIS
ekoj
Haigin88
Comment No. 705274 July 17 21:48 GBR If Mike Read has spoken this kind of ludicrous claptrap at - as he so proudly says - *three* Conservative Party conferences, then surely someone managed to film at least one of them? It must have been horrific to witness. Where was Abraham Zapruder when we needed him?
themanwithnoname
Comment No. 705283 July 17 21:50 GBR Thank you 'Zangdook' for that link. Read got an absolute hammering from that critic and yet he keeps coming back for more. He has obviously got a very thick skin but to be deluded to this extent must mean he needs some medication.
spdevcambridge
Comment No. 705285 July 17 21:52 GBR Hang on folks, the key sentence is: "Non-party members can vote but have to apply for a form and knowing how apathetic folk can be I believe this would, for me, narrow any chance of winning, as the Tory faithful are much more likely to vote for an established politician."
I think the mass response here has demonstrated people are not apathetic.
Can't we start a draft Mike campaign? I think Boris has to earn the nomination. Let them go head-to-head on the hustings to woo the voters.
I promise I'll apply for a form. I don't live in London, though. Is that a problem?
pastis
Comment No. 705286 July 17 21:54 FRA Mike,
Would you reconsider your decision not to run? Remember that Livingstone won first time round on an indepedent ticket so a precedent exists. London has been through some worrying times over the last few years and a MIKE FOR MAYOR campaign just might put a smile back on people's faces. If you need to raise funds I'm certain many members of the public would come forward as cash donors. Personally I'm convinced that you're just as talented as Boris.
unprinted
Comment No. 705289 July 17 21:59 GBR Mike Read not standing for mayor? The nation's capital mourns.
Hang on, this isn't exactly the standard Shermanesque statement of not standing ("if nominated, I will not accept; if elected, I will not serve") is it?
It's more like Michael Hesseltine's 'I'm not, but here's what I'd do if I did' denial that he would stand against Mrs Thatcher... not long before he did, in fact, stand.
So there's hope for us yet.
davidabsalom
Comment No. 705299 July 17 22:08 GBR Mike Read takes time out of his busy career to give us his well-thought-out policies for a better London despite his undoubted distaste for personal publicity. Yet all we can do is mock. I despair of this country.
Still at least we still have Boris.
PetetheTree
Comment No. 705311 July 17 22:18 GBR "Create a London laureate to extol the virtues of the city in song and verse"
There already is one, Toryboy - his name's Shane MacGowan.
Given what usually happens to things Smashy disapproves of, I take it Ken's looking at a landslide victory.
Can the Guardian pleeeaaaaassse get this dimwit Read to write a regular column? It's so much more entertaining than Zoe Williams...
kingnakamura
Comment No. 705320 July 17 22:22 KEN Does Mikey do stand up? Any idea if he's expensive? How to get in touch with his agent?
Catch22
Comment No. 705354 July 17 22:47 GBR GreenLake: "As a wedding gift, some friends of mine gave me and the new missus a book, the title of which I forget, that listed what Cliff Richard was doing on every single day from 1958 to 1993. The "editor" of this tome? Step forward one Michael "Smashy" Read."
How would he know what Cliff was doing every single day, unless......
uh, oh my goodness, now I understand, Mike is Cliff's...
chekhov
Comment No. 705361 July 17 22:52 GBR Surely this is spoof and a brilliant one at that and very funny. If it's not a spoof it's even funnier!
tetradite
Comment No. 705362 July 17 22:52 GBR Much as I hate to be a sheep I would like to second a couple of recurring posts
1) Thanks everybody, I've checked back to this thread 4 times today and every visit has produced fresh entertainment...
2) I too would like to announce that I am not running for London Mayor. I have also heard on the grapevine that my cat is seriously considering withdrawing as well.
In the words of comic-book guy:
best cif
ever.
prunner
Comment No. 705367 July 17 22:56 DEU Who's Mike Read. Untested and Useless just like Boris will be when Ken gets to debate with the boy. He may get votes from Papua to go on a weight loss programme to see if he can go on a popularity contest there.
scrabble50
Comment No. 705370 July 17 22:58 GBR The poor man, sitting there with his nylon hair and matching truss.And then the torrent of abuse and sniggering. Yes, give him a regular slot to babble and we can laugh. A living caricature, a work of art. Unlike Boris. A mistake waiting to be repeated.
chet
Comment No. 705372 July 17 22:58 GBR The above posts are a terrible indictment of the average Guardian reader. You wouldn't get this amount of spiteful venom on Guido's blog or even on The Hitch. You certainly wouldn't get in the Telegraph and as for The Mail, the immature idiots above are probably not aware that its editor Paul Dacre is a friend and supporter of Gordon Brown. Yes, strange man.
kingnakamura
Comment No. 705376 July 17 23:02 KEN No, No. Not Mikey at all! The real author is our Polly making a resounding comeback after losing her zen earlier on in the morning. Well done, Polly, and there was me thinking you'd lost it.
TC2642
Comment No. 705380 July 17 23:08 GBR I've worked out who MKone (see 3:31 PM) is!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9iMXbiqiETM
LondonFido
Comment No. 705388 July 17 23:14 GBR Absolutely priceless - such a great, great thread - many thanks to all - especially Mkone. I was curious to see what titles amazon listed for Mike Read and it seems we can add to his list of posthumous collaborations - evidently he has also produced audiotapes with Rupert Brookes and Enid Blyton
GreenLake
Comment No. 705390 July 17 23:14 USA Sorry. Utterly gratuitous post to ensure we pass the Toynbee thread count. Childish, I know, but this is so much more fun than the "Boris is evil and must die" tone on display there.
Catch22
Comment No. 705401 July 17 23:24 GBR themanwithnoname: "He has obviously got a very thick skin"
Your not wrong there, have you seen his picture?
carlweathers
Comment No. 705402 July 17 23:25 GBR Apparently Andy Cole is retiring from international football.
chet
Comment No. 705412 July 17 23:31 GBR The above posts are a terrible indictment of the average Guardian reader. You wouldn't get this amount of spiteful venom on Guido's blog or even on The Hitch. You certainly wouldn't get in the Telegraph and as for The Mail, the immature idiots above are probably not aware that its editor Paul Dacre is a friend and supporter of Gordon Brown. Yes, strange man.
biba100mejico
Comment No. 705422 July 17 23:38 MEX That haircut is very Herman's Hermits isn't it?
chiff67
Comment No. 705426 July 17 23:44 GBR Well done!
It's nearly midnight...and I'm still coming back for more...Some of the comments are priceless and have really put a smile on my face...so good to see that our fractured society has been mended by this egotist...we're all in the same 'crew' now!
And don't ever say we're being bitchy...the posters here have more of a handle on the pulse of London than this buffoon....
Dougiedownunder
Comment No. 705438 July 17 23:55 AUS Relax Mike, none of us care.
Picatrix
Comment No. 705443 July 18 0:02 FRA I think this MR should post more, not had a good laugh on this site ever. Would not be out of place in Private Eye, as a spoof. Oh well don't worry Mike, The Daily Mail is right behind you!
But to make sure Boris is dead in the water please tell us more!
Absorption
Comment No. 705447 July 18 0:06 GBR "I promise I'll apply for a form. I don't live in London, though. Is that a problem?"
Not for Mike Read. I'm not sure he does.
JamesRR
Comment No. 705455 July 18 0:13 GBR Holy crap - we've broken into a new day and people are still commenting in amazement at the wonders of Mike Read!
Mike, your supreme talents are wasted on us. We can't discuss politics on as higher level as you can. If only we mere mortals could match your infinite wisdom on paedophilia, underground parking and the congestion charge, the world would truly be a perfect place.
I tell you something, if Mike Read doesn't get a knighthood...no wait, a peerage in the new years' honours list for this tome of philosophical perfection on display today then it'll be a bloody disgrace.
Don't waste your time on the Mayor job Mike. Both you and I know that you were born for greater things than that. A man of your esteem should be aiming for Number 10, or UN Secretary General at least.
Don't listen to your detractors Mike. Even if the whole world is telling you that you're a twat (and they are telling you that), you keep telling yourself that you're the best. And that's all that counts. You truly are a King among men, Mike.
saintpatrick
Comment No. 705464 July 18 0:27 IRL wow - Mike, your article, in fairness, was truly awful......
but man oh man, I think thats what they call a New York Pig F*ck - you sir, brought out the best in us............
uppityduck
Comment No. 705494 July 18 1:05 AUS "Build extensive underground car parks. Put all car parking underground. I've discussed this with major developers and it's feasible."
Brilliant!!!! putting concrete over the whole of the Lake District is also feasible, building a nuclear power plant in the middle of London is also feasible.
But I don't think putting a man with a dodgy haircut as mayor of London is.....
C21Potlatch
Comment No. 705496 July 18 1:21 GBR cif: The Musical
Mike visited cif in good faith, Humbly offering his wisdom on the mayoral race. He coulda been a contender, but the voting system was mad. So, he batted for Boris and his charming dad.
His head brimmed with ideas to improve the capital. Not a single one was incoherent at all: Find every thug and perv and put them away; Get gangsters to express themselves through the medium of ballet;
Let everybody drive for mile after mile, Then park under the earth with a satisfied smile; Make traffic wardens practice common sense, not grind petty axes; Reward the deserving, stop punishing them with taxes.
He produced brilliant policies by the score, Only to provoke laughter, as readers rolled on the floor.
Marat
Comment No. 705517 July 18 2:15 GBR Judging by this roll of Cif I think it would be a good idea for the left to vote for Boris in the Conservative Primary.
Mike Read as a Conservative politician and backer of Boris for London Mayor you would make a very successful writer of musicals about Oscar Wilde.
Heres some of Mikes rave reviews
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/arts/3944431.stm
Wilde show flops after one night A West End musical about Oscar Wilde that was written and directed by TV and radio presenter Mike Read has closed after just one night.
Oscar Wilde: The Musical opened on Tuesday at the Shaw Theatre in London, but was pulled on Wednesday.
"After the first night, bookings were low and the reviews were poor," a spokesman for the theatre said.
The show was timed to coincide with the 150th anniversary of Wilde's birth and was due to run until 21 November.
Benedict Nightingale, The Times theatre critic, wrote of the Wilde musical: "As Oscar himself, Peter Blake is just about OK." Yet it's hard to blame him when he must, for instance, fester in a preposterously impressionistic Reading Jail imagining he's cuddling children... whatever else Wilde was, he wasn't a sentimental prat."
The Guardian was equally scathing:"You begin to wonder whether the sound system is being affected by the hefty rumbling of Oscar Wilde turning in his grave
And the Daily Telegraph said it was "hard to feel anything other than incredulous contempt".
For once I agree with the Daily Vote Torygraph
Vote Labour get a Read
gertom
Comment No. 705521 July 18 2:38 GBR What is the Tory gene that nestles so comfortably within the DNA of a Radio one DJ. Tony Balackburn is the same. Perhaps if you spend your time talking vacuous, meaningless drivel for long enough, you automatically metamorphise into a Tory:- hence -David Cameron.
andyosb
Comment No. 705534 July 18 4:01 GBR I too will not be standing as Mayor of London. However I will be standing as Duke of Earl.
NoComments
Comment No. 705565 July 18 6:25 CZE Is that your Final answer?
sionglas
Comment No. 705572 July 18 7:01 GBR I'm devastated you're not standing Mike !
I was looking forward to seeing the dream ticket of yourself and little Jimmy Krankie sorting out London's chronic garbage problem and it would have interesting seeing how housing supremo,Jordon, handled the affordable housing scheme ?
PatobaIpririm
Comment No. 705584 July 18 7:27 GBR What amuses me about this article is how much Mr Read mentions cars; I think it's all he really cares about.
All these so 'common sense' traffic flow suggestions... and then he would scrap the Congestion Charge.
If that happens, you can phase the traffic lights any way you like, it won't matter. London's streets will be a citywide gridlock, a metal zoo.
Trilobyte
Comment No. 705594 July 18 7:44 GBR Just out of interest, there are 275 stations on the London Underground, with, I guess, an average of 3 exits each? So that's more than 800 officers. Taking into account shifts, non frontline police etc, this would account for about 10-15% of the Met's operational manpower. Standing at the entrance to tube stations, on the offchance that they can grab a wrong 'un as he runs past.
Mike, you won't be disappointed if Ian Blair doesn't slap himself on the forehead, go 'Doh' and rush to put this into immediate effect, will you?
Best/funniest CIF thread ever, IMHO, by the way.
HaSipHaSip
Comment No. 705595 July 18 7:45 THA A big thank you to everyone at CiF for giving me the best lunchtime laugh ever. Even Mkone, who's pomposity was standout...
LizStockeraswas
Comment No. 705600 July 18 7:59 GBR Just to say ...... yes, my grandchildren, I was here for the Mike Read Blog .....
And what a wonderful party it's been!
Ceredig
Comment No. 705608 July 18 8:10 GBR Go for it Mike, go for it! After all, Boris only pretends to be as thick as two short planks, you're the real thing.
davidabsalom
Comment No. 705613 July 18 8:17 GBR Come on people - this thread is being beaten by the Harry Potter one!
I can't believe commenting on some over-hyped media construct is more popular than this serious political debate.
Baksheesh
Comment No. 705615 July 18 8:20 ROM Well,Mike, who else would be a credible Lord Mayor of London? There's Dick Whittington, Whip Dickington, Whip Dickintongue, the artful dodger, or maybe some other fantasy character. Ah yes, how silly of me; Boris the spider. No? Boris Todeath, perhaps. Only kidding. It's Boris, the ex-newspaper chap. What was the reason he's not editor of the whassisname newspaper any more? Ah yes, a safe choice to run a city with 10 million plus souls.
exiledlondoner
Comment No. 705627 July 18 8:33 ESP Every time I read Mike's article, I find another gem. The man is inspired! Can I add my voice to those calling for a weekly column.
"...resulting in many people in the party urging me forward."
Go forth and multiply?
"Seeing a chance to make a real difference to a great city I thought it would be refreshing to go down a "people not politics" route and have spent a great deal of time at Westminster over the last six months."
Where the hell would you have gone, had you gone down the "politics not people" route?
"Initially it was to be a telephone vote for the whole of London..."
Are you sure you're not getting it confused with Big Brother?
"Non-party members can vote but have to apply for a form and knowing how apathetic folk can be I believe this would, for me, narrow any chance of winning, as the Tory faithful are much more likely to vote for an established politician."
Please reconsider. I will vote for you, at least 20 times.
"That said I'm happy to support Boris in any way necessary and have discussed the mayoral situation with his charming father, Stanley."
What mayoral situation?
"It's essential for Boris to be much, much tougher on the persistently antisocial, making sure that rapists, murderers and paedophiles have no place, and never will, on the streets of London, and will not threaten civilised society."
What about burglars, muggers and armed robbers? Are you going to leave them roaming the street, free to terrorise Londoners?
"I've spoken to lots of young kids in gangs or "crews" as they prefer to be known and most want to get out of a way of life that gives them nothing. Get in there ..."
Er, I'd rather not - "get in there" that is.
"understand their problems and give them access to sporting facilities and the chance to make music, act, dance and write. Get them integrated into society and to realise its value."
That'll solve the problem.....
"I'd like to see Boris push for a police officer on every tube entrance/exit so that underground miscreants know that their exit route is effectively sealed."
And mainline stations?
"Broken parking meters should be free until mended."
You want to encourage people to use their cars in central London?
"Build extensive underground car parks. Put all car parking underground. I've discussed this with major developers and it's feasible."
Mr McAlpine. There's an ageing DJ to see you.......
"...far more needs to be done."
More what?
"I've had discussions with the Football Association who are behind my London Schools FA Cup idea."
Mr Brooking. There's an ageing DJ to see you.......
"Several professional footballers have agreed to be ambassadors and a wealthy and private concern would be happy to get involved with the FA and me on establishing the blueprint for this."
Can I suggest Joey Barton as ambassador to the UN? And don't be so coy about the "wealthy and private concern" - name names.
"Finally, in brief, explore more usage of the Thames..."
Public drowning of DJs?
"set up mayoral shops as an information point for tourists and to sell merchandise such as maps, London T shirts, flags, souvenirs and so on."
Shops selling tat to tourists? Brilliant. Why has nobody thought of this before?
"Create a London laureate to extol the virtues of the city in song and verse and encourage more of the colourful fabric of London to come through."
There's only one man for the job Mike. I think we both know who it is....
"Let's train traffic wardens to exercise common sense and reward Londoners who work hard, rather than hitting them with constant stealth taxes."
I'm really looking forward to a warden giving me twenty quid, the next time I park in a bus lane.
"I have the blueprint set up and ready to go for an online newspaper with every word about London, written by Londoners or by people visiting the capital."
I can't wait. Really.
"It goes without saying that there are, of course, countless issues not discussed in this limited space!"
I'm desperate to hear your take on the Metronet collapse - or maybe not...
"As I've decided not to stand...."
A city mourns...
"...I'm going to get behind the man who is."
I thought there were a number of candidates?
"I'll be available, if needed..."
I'm relieved that you added "if needed". Could that be the first glimpse of some self-awareness? Probably not.
"..to help Boris raise London's spirit and profile and become London mayor."
That would be gin, I assume?
Mike, you're a treasure.
nossisos
Comment No. 705628 July 18 8:35 DEU Listen, Mike, although you've done the heroic thing in standing aside for Boris, surely there's no reason you couldn't bring your radical ideas to another city in need of a mayor? Hartlepool elected a monkey mascot a couple of years back http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/politics/1965569.stm,
so they'll be needing something a little less serious soon.
smallhog
Comment No. 705630 July 18 8:36 GBR Maybe all of the rapists, murderers and paedophiles clogging up the capital's streets could be placed in underground prisons (it's probably feasible you know), and the young kids in gangs or "crews" could become official advisors to the Mayor...
misharialadwani
Comment No. 705635 July 18 8:40 GBR Mike-Please,please,please,(copyright J.Brown),please reconsider..You must stand for Mayor.We need you,Mike..You are a unifying force.Everyone,but everyone thinks you're a dozey prat..personally,I think you're a comic genius...the deadpan delivery,the smarmy self-regard,the Cliff factor,the profound bone-headedness...I don't mind telling you,Mike,it's more addictive than crack.I'm begging you,don't cut off the supply. Lets hear it CiFers..WE WANT MIKE,WE WANT MIKE,WE WANT MIKE..
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 705650 July 18 8:51 GBR From an earlier post: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9iMXbiqiETM
So funny just wanted to make sure you all saw it. Must be MKone, as previous poster said.
Can someone set up a website: www.mike4mayor.com?
Then we can see if we can get him on the ballot anyway... imagine a threeway race between Ken, Boris and Mike!
notmelphilips
Comment No. 705651 July 18 8:51 GBR Good to see that the jeer-a-thon provoked by this lamentably conceived and woefully executed piece of egregious and egotistical nonsense is entering a second day. Keep it up folks.
PrawnTot
Comment No. 705658 July 18 8:57 GBR I can't wait to get into work this morning so I can carry on reading this.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 705660 July 18 8:58 GBR "set up mayoral shops as an information point for tourists and to sell merchandise such as maps, London T shirts, flags, souvenirs and so on."
I think this is the best of the lot. Central London clearly has a shortage of tat-shops... so why not spend public money on setting up some of our own?
Maybe on this new website someone's going to set up (www.mike4mayor.com) we could have a voting system, which lets us vote for the best gem in this article... I've spoken to web developers, it is feasible.
I vote for the above.
Benulek
Comment No. 705667 July 18 9:01 POL Still going! I'm not going to get any work done today you naughty, naughty people. And I arrived late, as I couldn't find a parking space in Subduction Zone No.1, then stood on the underground escalators waiting for some uniformed fool at the entrance to hand out an on-the-spot fine to members of some crew or other. It made me so mad I kicked a parking meter. Then I wondered why they still have parking meters, since we all park underground. Some higher logic.
scoutzed
Comment No. 705671 July 18 9:03 GBR Is that a wig?
MonkeyGone2
Comment No. 705679 July 18 9:09 BEL If Johnson wants advice on 'crews', shouldn't he be approaching Read's old mucker Steve Wright? He was the man with the Afternoon Posse, after all.
nossisos
Comment No. 705685 July 18 9:15 DEU Could someone gratuitously insult religion or atheism, please, so we can get some help from the AC Grayling / Richard Dawkins crowd.
InternetFact
Comment No. 705686 July 18 9:16 GBR But (almost) seriously folks - for feral youths like me - who are too young to remember much before Labour came to power - it is important to be able to experience the true odious and hilarious nature of the Tory party. Next time one of my peers/crew members tells me that the Conservatives are, like, totally cool, and care about the environment and shit, I will be able to show them this article and show them otherwise.
rolleyes
Comment No. 705713 July 18 9:31 GBR I must say, I've never thought of murderers as "persistently antisocial" before. And does this only apply after the second victim or what?
CheeseBikini
Comment No. 705724 July 18 9:38 LUX Mike "I cut my own hair" Read or Boris "Cripes Er Erm Cripes" Johnson.
I prostrate myself before whatever force led me from England 11 years ago.
bluetuliproseread
Comment No. 705726 July 18 9:39 GBR Ed Stewart's breath stinks.
ElmerPhudd
Comment No. 705734 July 18 9:43 GBR Mike Read -- does he really just want to be Sir Cliff and cross the land righting wrongs and bringing us wholesome music where the only 'ho' is from Santa's xmas single? He is so full of self-importance that I'm amazed that he can consider anyone other than himself is capable of doing anything.
Buses, Mike -- do you actually know what they are? Ever been on one?
Can I suggest others visit http://eclectech.co.uk/mikeread-superhero.php Where we can see him in action saving the world. Boris can have London to rescue from "rapists, murderers and paedophiles", Mike has a far greater agenda.
The British Empire(tm) will rise again and England will be once more the heart and saviour of Christendom.
A newspaper for Londoners, by Londoners?
Does he mean a local version of the Daily Mail with maps and addresses of all known potential evildoers.
Boris - drop kick this clown before you lose any more respect. Mike - you're the best advert Ken has had so far.
MonkeyGone2
Comment No. 705736 July 18 9:45 BEL Looks like we might break the magical 275 and 285 (posts) barrier! Does anyone else remember the source of the '275 and 285' jingle: Read's risible punk parody 'High Rise' by the Trainspotters? He could never resist moaning about the fact that it (and his other crappy records) didn't make the charts, while DLT, Edmonds and Wright all had hits with their novelty singles. The humiliation!
claphamleft
Comment No. 705739 July 18 9:48 GBR Just got back from being an 'underground miscreant'!
Pleased to see that there are '.. of course, countless issues not discussed in this limited space'
So carry on, folks.
By the way, has anyone mentioned, or even noticed, the punctuation?
bolivarsbastard
Comment No. 705744 July 18 9:51 USA hmm, you know, I think "Mike Read" is actually a heavily aged Harry Potter. Can't we get Severus Snape to withdraw his candidacy too?
Bluestringer
Comment No. 705749 July 18 9:54 GBR Snigger.
What a tonky!
Can't someone start an e-petition urging Mike to reconsider?
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 705750 July 18 9:55 GBR I actually started reading this article thinking "I didn't know you were standing in the first place..."
twinbluebob
Comment No. 705753 July 18 9:55 GBR Speaking to Boris's father is interesting Mike. The Bush family comes to mind, if it can happen in America then surely we can do the same in little ole London.
I do not find anything about you as funny. Your brain cells are just as dangerous as the murdering scum across the pond.
Stick to the mail and leave serious newspapers for serious thinking people. p.s.
I did not know you were still alive. Must have a premiership agent.
MoLurgan
Comment No. 705757 July 18 9:59 GBR Mike Read, not only a visionary DJ but a superhero to boot.
http://eclectech.co.uk/mikeread-superhero.php
misharialadwani
Comment No. 705760 July 18 10:00 GBR THE BALLAD OF MIKE READ (To be sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillys)
Come and listen to the story of a man named Read A poor simple sap who's not really up to speed And then one day as he learned to read and write He wrote a little post and it turned out to be shite Crap,that is..pure guff Well the first thing y'know,old Mike's a sitting duck The CiF posters said,"Who is this super cluck ? We need this fool to run for City Hall He's perfect,folks,'cos he's got no brain at all" Grey matter,that is..synaptic activity. Yes,it's the Mayoral Silly Billys (Cue:Lester Flatt and Earl Scrugss going mad on banjo and Guitar.)
JeffreyArcher
Comment No. 705762 July 18 10:01 FRA Mike, there's a Mister Jeffrey Archer from the Mayoral Situation Krew on the phone for ya. Sez he wants to talk about crime and musicals and stuff....
exiledlondoner
Comment No. 705767 July 18 10:02 ESP From Wikipedia-
"Having spoken three times at Conservative Party conferences, Read explored the possibility of running for the Conservative Party nomination for the London Mayoral elections in 2008. However, he has since reconsidered. His announcement on July 17, 2007 in The Guardian newspaper that he will not run, and will instead support Boris Johnson, received a highly negative response from those who commented on the article."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Read
Highly negative?
It has been one of the most popular blogs in living memory!
While a few posters are yet to be convinced of Mike's policy ideas, I think we can all agree that we need more from Mike, and less from Polly Toynbee.
Read and learn Polly - bollocks doesn't have to be earnest and boring...
johnwest
Comment No. 705772 July 18 10:06 From Mike's CiF profile: "Mike has just finished an album collaborating with many literary greats including Shelley, Byron, Kipling, Auden, Shakespeare, Dylan Thomas, Tennyson and Wordsworth."
Wow, would have loved to have been in on the sessions.
As he seems to have a TARDIS, maybe he can just tell us who wins the mayoral election and save us his vacuous waffle.
sergeantfox
Comment No. 705776 July 18 10:09 GBR DickTurnip, the Jocky Wilson pic was no urban myth. I distinctly remember watching TOTP that night, rolling on the floor laughing.
I'm tempted to agree with you that this is a spoof - the line about "crew" is pure Smashy. But given the ego of several other ex-Radio 1 DJs, I could believe it's real. These guys genuinely have no concept of how trivial most people consider their job to be.
Benulek
Comment No. 705788 July 18 10:14 POL 'As he seems to have a TARDIS, maybe he can just tell us who wins the mayoral election and save us his vacuous waffle.'
That would be the mayoral SITUATION, johnwest. Are you not down with the lingo in Ready's crew?
Vencio
Comment No. 705806 July 18 10:22 GBR A review of Mike's Cliff musical, by Rhoda Koenig from the Independent, March 2003
"This isn't Shakespeare - it's an audience-pleaser," the press agent for Cliff The Musical pointed out, drawing a rather harsh cultural distinction. But there are audiences and audiences, a fact rarely truer than at any Cliff Richard-related event. The first three rows started clapping before the curtain rose and, during the show, swayed 45 degrees left and right, and roared at such jokes as "I think I've wet meself!" (not uttered by Cliff, but by a fan overcome at meeting him). Meanwhile, the rest of the house (I turned round several times) looked distinctly unenthusiastic.
If I remained in the impassive sector, it was out of dislike not of the bachelor boy himself, but of the cheap and lazy exploitation of his oeuvre that goes on here. Cliff is not so much a book show as a concert with jokes (as when Cliff confuses the words "celebrate" and "celibate"). It is performed to the loud and harsh accompaniment of a few machines on a set that looks like a built-up version of the one used for The Weakest Link.
Under deep-blue lights and strips of metal, four chaps, representing our hero at various ages, sing the songs that those front rows know by heart. Newcomers to the Cliff cult, however, will have no chance to learn them - in the opener, the only words I could make out were "rock'n'roll," and even that involved a bit of guesswork. This despite the singer's wearing, like all the Cliffs, a mike that curved halfway round his head to his lips, and rather undermined, with its resemblance to hospital apparatus, the oldest Cliff's claim to eternal springtime. (The show's story is told in flashback from 2020, with an 80-year-old Lord Cliff, in Bermuda shorts, still swinging his tennis racquet.)
Cliff mark four is the only successful impersonator in the bunch. Young, quiffed Cliff looks not so much cool as bored, though when he bent his knees nearly to the floor and regained the vertical without using his hands, the first three rows shrieked, perhaps excited at being reminded of when they could have done the same. Cliffs two and three are negligible, and all look about as much like Cliff Richard as I do. Mike Read bears a reasonable resemblance to the ever-young one, and his restrained manner suggests that this sexagenarian is conserving his energy rather than wondering what to have for supper. Like the other Cliff clones, however, his singing style owes less to nonchalance than to narcolepsy.
The show, written by Read and Trevor Payne and directed by the latter, begins, like Cliff's autobiography, with his first recording contract, and presents him as even blander and more opaque than he really is. The stinginess of wit in the writing is paralleled by that of the choreography - a performer lifts a foot and puts it down again in exactly the same place - but the show clearly has an unusually large budget for underwear. In the final number, each Cliff tosses a pair of unworn white boxer shorts to the screaming crowd - a moment that not only ends but sums up Cliff The Musical.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 705836 July 18 10:36 GBR It is bad news indeed for London, that so many have chosen to use this CiF thread to confirm that they will not be standing for Mayor. Soon there will be no one left wanting the job!
It is, therefore, with heavy heart and a degree of personal regret that I have, after much serious consideration, decided that I will also not now be standing to play a role in the 'mayoral situation'. Seeing the chance to make a real difference to a great city I thought it would be refreshing to concentrate entirely on politics, at the expense of people. This is why I've spent so much time in Westminster(?!)
It was of course the voting system which persuaded me not to stand, which would have required me to be actually well known AND popular all at the same time, if I was to have any chance of winning. Instead the party will choose an established politician, someone who has clearly never sought any kind of popular endorsement before, such as releasing a novelty record, publishing a book or writing a one-night musical.
I've not had the pleasure of meeting Boris' charming father, Stanly, although I did once see him on 'Have I Got News For You'. But hey ho, I'm going to back Boris anyway. I'm backing Boris, not because he's the only candidate anyone has ever heard of, and not because by backing him I might bask in some reflected glory, but because it is important that he gives anti-social people like murderers, rapists and paedophiles a bit of a break. I mean, it's not really their fault, I blame the single mothers. I want to ensure all such people have a place on our streets... perhaps helping to effectively seal Tube station exits.
Having spoken to a guy who tried to nick my wallet, I realised that what he really wanted was access to art, books, pens and a stereo system, so that he could become more integrated with society. So that's what Boris will be doing. I'm sure.
Now I know you'll agree, with all those police officers seemingly wandering the streets doing nothing, can't some of them stand idly by at tube exits instead? Maybe they can keep an eye on the murderers and rapists there. That's what I'd like to see. And with people now working longer hours and all round the clock, let's have 24 hour tubes and buses, but only between 6am and 2am on weekends, so as to keep within the budget. It must be an option... in fact it is an option. Possibly even a feasible option. I'll ask a developer.
Obviously I'm hoping that Boris will throw away a huge revenue earner and scrap the congestion charge... he could even put 'the life' back into London trading. It's clear that this is a priority, with London barely trading at all. I went to a market the other day and no one was trading, at all. People aren't trading all across London, every day of the week people aren't trading. And when they are trading, there's no 'life' in it. So come on Boris, put the life back into trading... it's easy, get rid of the congestion charge and let everyone spend three hours a day sitting stationary in their cars. That way the traders have a captive market.
I hope we will see Boris monitoring bus lanes too, perhaps even put them underground. It's feasible. And the car parks can go underground too... even better, let's put the whole of London underground, and have an extensive network of railway lines running above ground. I'm telling you, a guy in the pub said it's feasible.
And let's not forget the Thames. We need to explore more usage of it... how about a sewage outlet, a bus lane or the site of a major new motorway (toll free of course). Or we could put the Thames underground... just keep building more bridges until they're all connected up.
On a separate note we really ought to train Traffic Wardens to use common sense. They seem to think that they are employed to give parking tickets to people who have parked illegally, like on double yellow lines or in a bus lane. Just what gave them that idea? So we must train them to understand that their job is reward hard working Londoners and to stop hitting them with stealth taxes.
While I'm on a roll here perhaps we could do something really novel, like sell tourist souvenirs in one of the world's most popular tourist destinations. Why has no one else thought of that? We could sell t-shirts that say "My boyfriend went to London and all he got me was this lousy t-shirt"... or money boxes in the shape of an old red phone box.
I have the blueprint set up and ready to go for an online newspaper with every word about London, written by Londoners or by people visiting the capital. It's only a blueprint of course, because no one's told me how easy it is to get a URL and upload some pages onto the world wide internet.
If you're also not standing for mayor, then back Boris... and I'll get my mates (with whom I've collaborated before), Winston Churchill, Clement Attlee, Dennis Thatcher, Red Rum, Captain Kirk and Jesus to help deliver leaflets too.
claphamleft
Comment No. 705848 July 18 10:40 GBR Thanks misharialadwani - brilliant - give yourself a gold star!
johntosh7
Comment No. 705853 July 18 10:41 GBR Mike Read for London Mayor.......Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee
KatyKat
Comment No. 705858 July 18 10:42 GBR Mike, I am really sorry that you've decided not to run for London mayor. Your Radio 1 show and Top of the Pops appearances - not to mention Swap Shop - created the rhythm of my formative years. The thought of the chance of having one of my childhood heroes re-elevated to the public eye is wonderful. Why, your manifesto would provide all the rhythm and the beats for a new generation of kids just like me.
But I do understand that sometimes many are called and few are chosen, and, with your endorsement, I'd be more than happy to put my faith in your friend Boris. He does seems like quite and entertaining scamp too, even if he lacks your gravitas.
Unfortunately, I don't live in London. But should any vacancies arise on our local council, I'll see if somehow I can let you know. Rock on, Mike.
KatyKat
Comment No. 705864 July 18 10:44 GBR Mike, I am really sorry that you've decided not to run for London mayor. Your Radio 1 show and Top of the Pops appearances - not to mention Swap Shop - created the rhythm of my formative years. The thought of the chance of having one of my childhood heroes re-elevated to the public eye is wonderful. Why, your manifesto would provide all the rhythm and the beats for a new generation of kids just like me.
But I do understand that sometimes many are called and few are chosen, and, with your endorsement, I'd be more than happy to put my faith in your friend Boris. He does seems like quite and entertaining scamp too, even if he lacks your gravitas.
Unfortunately, I don't live in London. But should any vacancies arise on our local council, I'll see if somehow I can let you know. Rock on, Mike.
LesterJones
Comment No. 705865 July 18 10:44 SWE @whathavetheydone
So is he gay or what?
Make sure Blue Tulip Rose Read doesnt hear your opinion though or youll be in for it...
Gerry71
Comment No. 705866 July 18 10:44 GBR exiled londoner @833
Top post. It made me laugh out loud. Thanks.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 705875 July 18 10:48 GBR We're still behind 'The Apu Travesty' as most popular thread... are we going for a record or what?
hieros
Comment No. 705876 July 18 10:48 GBR 'It goes without saying that there are, of course, countless issues not discussed in this limited space! As I've decided not to stand, I'm going to get behind the man who is.'
Relaaaaax
"I'm going to stand my ground and fight/ The things you two do just can't be right,"
Benulek
Comment No. 705888 July 18 10:51 POL Why is the whole Cliff Richard link so very unsurprising?
Both possessed of a veneer of bland niceness concealing a simmering stew of peevishness, irritability and self-delusion.
Both convinced beyond all measure of their own earth-shattering talent yet sorely underappreciated by their peers.
Both emanating the soul-sapping aura of a recently refurbished motorway service station.
misharialadwani
Comment No. 705913 July 18 10:59 GBR I'm sick of all the mean-spirited knockers,wreckers and cynics making mock of Mike,(hey,that's kind of catchy..).Get it right,you spiteful nay-sayers,(this means you,misharialadwani,you bastard)...God is Love,Love is irrational,Mike Read is irrational,therefore,Mike Read is God. Here endeth the lesson.
dabomb
Comment No. 705919 July 18 11:02 GBR Priceless - a day later and I'm still laughing. Made my day yesterday and today and hopefully tomorrow - what a complete tosser.
MoLurgan
Comment No. 705922 July 18 11:02 GBR ..and Lo he said onto them, " Broken parking meters should be free until mended"...
Dennis1832
Comment No. 705925 July 18 11:03 GBR To the chap who said he'd be able to tell his grandchildren that he was there for the Mike Read Blog.
He might tell them, he participated in one of the biggest outpouring of personalised nastiness the media had ever seen. In the world where some have been concerned by bullying in the TV media (Gordon Ramsay, Simon Cowell, Alan Sugar), the readers of the Guardian surpassed all and set a standard that was never again equalled.
It reminds me of when I was nine and half the playground turned on the slightly irritating kid. There was lots of chasing, taunting, punching, culminating in pulling his trousers down. Of course, they were small children who have mainly outgrown such horrible behaviour.
Which begs the question for the vast majority of you - what is your excuse?
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 705934 July 18 11:07 GBR "God is Love,Love is irrational,Mike Read is irrational,therefore,Mike Read is God. Here endeth the lesson."
Excellent.
Mike's Ten Commandments: in at number 10, up from number 11 last week, is "Thou shalt build underground, for that is feasible"
justoffpeak
Comment No. 705943 July 18 11:09 GBR Just brilliant. I don't know this 'Mike Read' persona but I've wept with laughter from the first sentence to the last comment. More please, if you're cruel enough. He should definitely (re)change his mind and stand for election.
cheesemeister
Comment No. 705958 July 18 11:15 GBR Beautiful disc jockey of the silv'ry hair! Alas! I am very sorry to say That a political career has been taken away On this Tuesday of 2007, Which will be remember'd for a very long time.
With apologies to William Topaz McGonagall, a poet MR has yet to collaborate with.
CheeseBikini
Comment No. 705967 July 18 11:18 LUX Dennis1832,
How many of your slightly irritating nine and a half year old schoolmates were ridiculed for earnestly setting down unbelievably naive and embarrasing plans for running one of the most important capital cities in the world?
Thanks in advance.
claphamleft
Comment No. 705969 July 18 11:18 GBR Village People - the musical! Can't wait!
Beermonger
Comment No. 705976 July 18 11:21 LUX "Thou shalt have no other crews but mine"
BellEndBush
Comment No. 705988 July 18 11:25 GBR @Penis1832
"one of the biggest outpouring of personalised nastiness the media had ever seen. In the world where some have been concerned by bullying in the TV media (Gordon Ramsay, Simon Cowell, Alan Sugar), the readers of the Guardian surpassed all and set a standard that was never again equalled."
Hey, we're just playing the man, not the ball, as you advocated yesterday.
PS. Get over yourself, this is one of the most unintentially hilarious articles I've read on the Guardian. Take your head out of you backside for 5 minutes and re-read the article sans your simpering morality and maybe you'll see the funny side too. (But I doubt it).
SwiftyBoy
Comment No. 705989 July 18 11:26 GBR There's one bit of his manifesto he left out, and that's helicopter parking in the capital mate. Just not enough helipads for ageing DJs, I gather Mike's also "discussed this with developers and IT'S FEASIBLE". But not underground obviously. Unless there's some kind of lift-type mechanism which takes the chopper from its airy position atop a slender stalk-type scenario down into the bowels of the earth there, mate. Mike's got a drawing on the back of this shopping list if you're interested - no stop, don't go...
SirJonDanger0us
Comment No. 705995 July 18 11:27 GBR Turn again, Mike Read! The streets of London are paved with gold shawaddywaddy albums
Benulek
Comment No. 705999 July 18 11:30 POL Dennis1832 - why is Mike Read attracting ridicule and scorn? (note, not physical violence) Well, he's not so much the slightly irritating bullies' target as the school exhibitionist. We haven't been pulling his trousers down- he's standing there with his trousers round his ankles and a silly 'look at meeeeeeee' grin on his face and we're just pointing out the view. So what's my excuse? I don't like naivety and dull-witted prejudice wrapped with a bow of Olympian self-absorption. If there was just a shred of humility in the article I would simply dismiss it as another deluded green-inker and pass on by. But some bubbles need pricking.
Carefree
Comment No. 706016 July 18 11:34 GBR To everyone wondering why this thread/Simpsons/Harry Potter have all got so heated, I've got a suggestion - is this like the online equivalent of the silly season? Bored people in offices with nothing better to do than read blogs...
This has been the funniest thing I've read online for months. Long may this thread continue - I would generally be in favour of denying Read and these types the oxygen of publicity and not giving them the platform to spout from - but he has so neatly dug his own grave and invited so much criticism it's got to be worth it.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 706021 July 18 11:36 GBR Number 10, up from number 11: "Thou shalt build underground, for that is feasible"
In an number 9: "Thou shalt have no other crews but mine"
Number 8, down from number 5: "Thou shalt find no place for murderers, rapists, paedophiles and ageing DJs"
LizStockeraswas
Comment No. 706029 July 18 11:37 GBR Dennis 1832
"To the chap who said he'd be able to tell his grandchildren that he was there for the Mike Read Blog."
Chapess, actually. There's a clue in the handle.
"He might tell them, he participated in one of the biggest outpouring of personalised nastiness the media had ever seen. In the world where some have been concerned by bullying in the TV media (Gordon Ramsay, Simon Cowell, Alan Sugar), the readers of the Guardian surpassed all and set a standard that was never again equalled."
Sorry to wee-wee on your parade but I expect my very intelligent grandkids would see this for exactly what it is ..... comeuppance being delivered (in spades!) to a self-important and dangerously stupid man who has the gall to profoundly underestimate the intelligence of the average Guardian reader. And the comeuppance has been delivered with lashings of delicious humour .... something apparently missing from your own persona.
If it *were* the school playground one would have to say 'He started it, Miss.'
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 706034 July 18 11:39 GBR " would generally be in favour of denying Read and these types the oxygen of publicity and not giving them the platform to spout from"
Or, as the late, great Linda Smith suggested, deny them the oxygen of oxygen.
deb1
Comment No. 706038 July 18 11:40 GBR exiledlondoner
"Initially it was to be a telephone vote for the whole of London..."
Are you sure you're not getting it confused with Big Brother?
No, no he's not. Mike has been closely involved in the discussions re how to get the maximum attention and participation in the selection of a conservative to run against Ken.
They where thinking of linking it to a TV marathon call in - "Who Can Beat Ken". Starting with debates then using the Big Brother formula of elimination by telephone vote. Personally I think that would have been a much better idea, get people involved in stuff, popularise Tories.
The only reason they decided against was they couldn't figure a way to ensure mobiles were being used in London.
(-:
Catch22
Comment No. 706039 July 18 11:41 GBR Yay! Its still going and only being beaten by Apu, who is considerably more famous and far more intelligent than Mike. I mean Apu has a global audience, a PhD and arguably better hair.
I fear though that this thread may be the undoing of me. I spent yesterday wandering around laughing to myself, perhaps a t-shirt reading 'Mike4Mayor, MakeULaugh' or something. My partner might leave me as I lay chortling out-loud while going to sleep. I did but little work yesterday and I fear will do little today.
Yet I feel a great warmth to my fellow CiF'ers something that has never happened before and feel a little more hopeful for the future of mankind. Perhaps we could get all those naughty hoodies in 'crews' to read this thread and then filled with the warmth of mirth problems will be solved...Perhaps we have underestimated the true purpose of Mike's post and its hidden genius?
Then again, perhaps not.
davidabsalom
Comment No. 706044 July 18 11:41 GBR Mike Read has to be given a weekly column.
And with any luck he'll use the money to produce more vanity musicals and give us more cheap laughs.
WarDontBringPeace
Comment No. 706060 July 18 11:47 GBR Oh boy - is it worth posting any kind of comment to this article? As a wise man once said (Bruno Brookes?): "you can't polish a turd."
"Create a London laureate to extol the virtues of the city in song" - unfortunately, Mike, we already have a self-appointed one - Lily Allen. But if you can help get her "access to sporting facilities and the chance to make music, act, dance and write" it wouldn't be such a bad thing. Besides, she's said she's had worries about her weight in the past (although I can't see the problem myself), so maybe team sports with her "crew" are the answer.
Anyway the access is already there, it's the motivation that's lacking - and that's something you can't expect any mayor to deliver - that's down to the people in their immediate environment.
Shit - almost started taking it all seriously for a minute. Here's Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen...
wddr
Comment No. 706063 July 18 11:48 FIN @whathavetheydone: "I hope we will see Boris monitoring bus lanes too, perhaps even put them underground. It's feasible."
You know, you might be onto something there. If we put all the roads underground, people could use the streets as car parks. In fact, if we got rid of tube trains and let cars drive in the tunnels, we would solve the problem of the Underground not running 24 hours a day. AND we wouldn't need a policeman on every exit, because miscreants would never get their cars (or "wheels" as they prefer to be known) up the escalators.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 706064 July 18 11:48 GBR Ok... who do we petition to:
A) get Mike onto the Mayoral ballot; and B) get the Guardian to give Mike a weekly CiF spot?
Let's get to it!
exiledlondoner
Comment No. 706081 July 18 11:53 ESP deb1,
"No, no he's not. Mike has been closely involved in the discussions re how to get the maximum attention and participation in the selection of a conservative to run against Ken."
Sadly, I have no reason to question that statement....
"They where thinking of linking it to a TV marathon call in - "Who Can Beat Ken"."
Er, I'm pretty sure that the charter of all the terrestial channels, would take a dim view of a Tory "TV marathon".
"Starting with debates then using the Big Brother formula of elimination by telephone vote."
FFS, if I'd seen the slightest display of animation from the Tories, or the merest glimpse of artistic merit in Big Brother, I'd say "life imitating art".
However, I'll have to settle for "a corpse immitating crap".
"Personally I think that would have been a much better idea, get people involved in stuff, popularise Tories."
I can't think of any "stuff" that people should less want to get involved in....
"The only reason they decided against was they couldn't figure a way to ensure mobiles were being used in London."
Nothing to do with it being a really shit idea then? It's a bit like deciding not to decapitate yourself with a chainsaw, because you've got a bit of a headache.
I knew the Tories in London were desperate, but I never guessed the depth of their despair.
misharialadwani
Comment No. 706091 July 18 11:56 GBR Rule 7 up from 4- "Thou shalt not take unto thine self an head covering of small beasts alike unto the fretful Chinchilla.This also is an abomination.Selah"
Benulek
Comment No. 706115 July 18 12:02 POL In at 6: 'Thou shalt travel only sideways on the buses, yea as the crab that doth ply the banks of the Thames.'
5, up from 7: 'Thou shalt not be bored out of thy skull.'
Arblemarch
Comment No. 706118 July 18 12:03 USA 'That said I'm happy to support Boris in any way necessary and have discussed the mayoral situation with his charming father, Stanley.'
Please dispatch one of Private Eye's 'Order-of-the-Brown-Nose' to this man straight away!
Arise, Mike Read OBN
MoLurgan
Comment No. 706137 July 18 12:09 GBR I hope all these people who have been posting their snippy comments have at least visited the capital. Despite living in Salford (Andy Crane Tv and radio presenter is a local lad) I have been down on a bus , a proper one, not bendy in the least and think it is a smashing place which could only be enhanced with a little Mike magic.
CheeseBikini
Comment No. 706149 July 18 12:13 LUX It's a non-mover at Number 4
"Thou shalt not bear false traffic light phasing"
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 706162 July 18 12:18 GBR @wddr - excellent. @exiledlondoner - excellent @misharialadwani - poptastic
Mike's Ten Commandments, so far...
Number 10, up from number 11: "Thou shalt build underground, for that is feasible"
In at number 9: "Thou shalt have no other crews but mine"
Number 8, down from number 5: "Thou shalt find no place for murderers, rapists, paedophiles and ageing DJs"
Number 7 down from 4: "Thou shalt not take unto thine self an head covering of small beasts alike unto the fretful Chinchilla.This also is an abomination.Selah"
In at 6: "Thou shalt travel only sideways on the buses, yea as the crab that doth ply the banks of the Thames."
Number 5, up from 7: "Thou shalt not be bored out of thy skull."
followyourheart
Comment No. 706163 July 18 12:18 prunner "Who's Mike Read."
When I first saw the byline for this, I thought it was going to be Frank Butcher.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 706166 July 18 12:19 GBR @CheeseBikini - brilliant
deb1
Comment No. 706176 July 18 12:22 GBR Exiledlondoner (Shush....it was tongue in cheek)
Then again, anything is possible with Brand Cameron
I think Mike was right to step aside, hard though it must have been. Boris is clearly the stronger runner. Boris's inspiration for running for mayor was the outstandiung Larry? Vaughn as mayor in Jaws.
As told by Boris and reported in the Times and Indpendent online...:
"A gigantic fish is eating all your constituents and he decides to keep the beaches open.
OK, in that instance he was actuall wrong.
But in principle, we need more politicians like the Mayor - we are often the only obstacle against all the nonsense which is really a massive conspiracy against the taxpayer....."
Is this guy on drugs?
Can anyone make sense of the linkage?
englandismdotcom
Comment No. 706184 July 18 12:24 GBR deb1
'They where thinking of linking it to a TV marathon call in - "Who Can Beat Ken". '
I was involved in this project in terms of the set design and animatronics. We certainly had the funding in place and we had Dean Gaffney signed up and on board as presenter.
The model making involved a third size street panorama of Walford centered on the front of the Ian Beale's cafe and the terrace of assorted business premises and associated housing around it. This studio based set had a pulley system involving the Lord Mayor's Imperial Coach and as the public vote poured in the coach would move slowly forwards to Mike Read's Pie and Eel Shoppe or backwards to Polly Toynbee's manicure salon subject to the public vote.
The reason that the broadcast was pulled, at the last minute I might add, is that Gaffney damaged his crudites playing celebrity soggy biscuit the previous week.
Nothing, whatsoever, to do with mobiles and the terror network.
Haigin88
Comment No. 706187 July 18 12:26 GBR '...and here's a letter from Haigin88, asking for 'Mayor Of Simpleton' by XTC. After this, it'll be Simon Bates'.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Da9sc6YDBo
exiledlondoner
Comment No. 706190 July 18 12:26 ESP MoLurgan,
"...Despite living in Salford"
Mike's from Manchester. Have you considered standing for London mayor?
followyourheart,
"When I first saw the byline for this, I thought it was going to be Frank Butcher."
Frankly, ha has been butchered....
.................I'll get me coat.
bolivarsbastard
Comment No. 706200 July 18 12:28 USA Boris Johnson has a father? Can this be true? I always assumed he had shambled out of the nearest arboretum, blinking sleepily and occasionally fondling his crotch. And to think that Dad rejoices in the name of Stanley.. and is charming.. and has met Mike Reed (whoever he may be). What a rich abundance of information I have gained today! Hallelujah! Life seems worth living again. I can return to my mission of shooting paedophiles and excavating car-parks! Major contractors have told me this is feasible, so it must be done!
wddr
Comment No. 706204 July 18 12:29 FIN @MoLurgan "Despite living in Salford... I have been down on a bus."
Well I'm afraid Mr. Mike Read has made it quite clear that there's no place for perverts such as yourself in our capital. This is where the Queen lives! Take your mucky past-times back up north where they belong.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 706211 July 18 12:31 GBR Mike's Ten Commandments, so far...
Number 10, up from number 11: "Thou shalt build underground, for that is feasible"
In at number 9: "Thou shalt have no other crews but mine"
Number 8, down from number 5: "Thou shalt find no place for murderers, rapists, paedophiles and ageing DJs"
Number 7 down from 4: "Thou shalt not take unto thine self an head covering of small beasts alike unto the fretful Chinchilla.This also is an abomination.Selah"
In at 6: "Thou shalt travel only sideways on the buses, yea as the crab that doth ply the banks of the Thames."
Number 5, up from 7: "Thou shalt not be bored out of thy skull."
It's a non-mover at Number 4: "Thou shalt not bear false traffic light phasing"
Straight in at number 3: "Thou shalt support Boris in any way necessary."
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 706216 July 18 12:32 GBR "I thought it would be refreshing to go down a "people not politics" route and have spent a great deal of time at Westminster over the last six months."
Does this make sense to anyone? Surely if you wanted less 'politics' (conservative talk for sensible politics, as opposed to ranting about personal prejudices) you'd stay away from Westminster.
ChaosTeaCup
Comment No. 706217 July 18 12:32 GBR Mike, I've got your old board game: 'Mike read's pop quiz' - dreadful game; very poor judgement on your behalf there. As is your decision to back bungling Boris. He is UTTERLY INCAPABLE. Plus he's damaged goods. Liverpool anyone?
johnwest
Comment No. 706224 July 18 12:35 Hate to break this to everyone, but I think it's spelt 'krew' by the home-boys.
Indulge my quoting from Mike's profile again - "Mike has just finished an album collaborating with many literary greats including Shelley, Byron, Kipling, Auden, Shakespeare, Dylan Thomas, Tennyson and Wordsworth."
The man Read stretches the boundaries of what is feasible with his Dead Poets Society outing. But lo! With Ready, all is feasible - including jamming with the Bard.
Benulek
Comment No. 706227 July 18 12:36 POL After four weeks at the top, down to number 2: 'Thou shalt seal to the miscreants all form of exit.'
LondonFido
Comment No. 706229 July 18 12:37 GBR Straight in at Number 13 - "Thou shalt have no blueprints but my blueprint, which is set up and ready to go. Nor shall thee bow down and worship false blueprints lest ye suffer the wrath of Boris"
misharialadwani
Comment No. 706231 July 18 12:39 GBR Listen,gang,er..sorry,crew..we don't want to scare Mike off,do we?Let's all get behind Mike Read For Mayor.To that end,my cat,Pongo,in collaboration with the late Andre Floyd Wetsock,has composed a campaign song-
VOTE MIKE READ IN (To the tune of "Don't Fence Me In")
Give me votes,lots of votes,votes by mobile phone or fax Vote Mike Read in Let me park after dark,underground in London Town Vote Mike Read in Let me be by myself in the rape-free streets and listen to the murmur of the cops in fleets Cliff is warbling somewhere and it's O so sweet Vote Mike Read in.
We can make it happen GOMIKEGOMIKEGOMIKERAHRAHRAH..sorry..got a bit carried away.. I'm just SO excited..
Stumpysheep
Comment No. 706233 July 18 12:39 Brilliant! Having just found out I'm unemployed as of next month this has cheered me up no end!
Anybody else get the impression that this article was posted on CiF to give the moderator something to do?
Oh, and I can also confirm that neither myself nor my hamster will be standing, although the hamster could do a better job than Mike.
ROFL
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 706236 July 18 12:40 GBR Beneluk and LondonFido
Laughed outloud... love it.
SirJonDanger0us
Comment No. 706240 July 18 12:40 GBR Ooh, I want a go:
New entry at number 4, "Thou shalt not take the shekels of the charioteer who driveth his vehicle even unto the Centre of the City, for verily this is the Gestion Charge that is called 'Con'"
I would like to reluctantly announce that I *will* be standing for election as London. If this muppet can have entertained for a nanosecond the deluded idea that he might get anywhere, I reckon I'm in with a shout. I'll be running on a politics-not-people, pro-rapist and paedophile ticket.
SirJonDanger0us
Comment No. 706242 July 18 12:40 GBR Ooh, I want a go:
New entry at number 4, "Thou shalt not take the shekels of the charioteer who driveth his vehicle even unto the Centre of the City, for verily this is the Gestion Charge that is called 'Con'"
I would like to reluctantly announce that I *will* be standing for election as London Mayor. If this muppet can have entertained for a nanosecond the deluded idea that he might get anywhere, I reckon I'm in with a shout. I'll be running on a politics-not-people, pro-rapist and paedophile ticket.
superfurryandy
Comment No. 706280 July 18 12:50 USA As this article, and the recent programme on 'The Big L' prove, there should be a pic of Mike Read in the dictionary next to the word 'deluded'.
1carus
Comment No. 706286 July 18 12:52 GBR Come on Mike - stand up for yourself!!
nickine9
Comment No. 706287 July 18 12:52 GBR HELP i am becoming addicted to this column. I dont know how much time i've spent laughing over the past couple of days but I could have used it for something more productive like announcing my candidacy - which I may do after the reaction to the blessed mike not standing has dies down.
drbendyspoogun
Comment No. 706300 July 18 12:56 GBR An anagram of 'Mike Read Mayor' is 'Okay Rimmed Ear' and not closet homosexual which was my first guess.
CheeseBikini
Comment No. 706307 July 18 12:58 LUX And a brand new number one this week, moving up one place, it's
"Honour thy Traffic Warden for thou shalt reap reward"
zangdook
Comment No. 706326 July 18 13:01 GBR Here's a thought - maybe Blue Tulip Rose (seen nude in this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3O0qvMqK51A ) really is his wife.
paulhs
Comment No. 706349 July 18 13:06 The quote from the BBC website:
He told the BBC News website he had been urged to consider standing by Tory activists after he made a speech at the party's annual conference. e said he had also been very encouraged by a meeting with party chairman Francis Maude.
"I actually played my own devil's advocate. I told him I don't want to be perceived as a token, lightweight celebrity.
"I left the door open for him to say 'don't do it, I think you would be too lightweight'."
But Mr Maude assured the broadcaster he would be taken seriously and that the party was looking for someone well-known to take on Labour's Mr Livingstone.
Its all clear now, each of the posts that have been critical of Mr Read's Policy Outline For London, erm, I mean I'm Backing Someone Else Cif article, are Mike's devil's advocate personas (or "Sockpuppets" as they prefer to be called) designed to elicit the response of "No, wait, Mike has a point, maybe the tube SHOULD be open until 2 AM at weekends, I don't think he is lightweight".
Writing over 300 neagtive posts has been worth it for the three possitive comments.
We salute you Mike.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 706350 July 18 13:07 GBR Mike's Ten (plus some) Commandments, so far...
Straight in at Number 13 - "Thou shalt have no blueprints but my blueprint, which is set up and ready to go. Nor shall thee bow down and worship false blueprints lest ye suffer the wrath of Boris"
And a brand new number 12 this week, moving up one place, it's: "Honour thy Traffic Warden for thou shalt reap reward"
Down from 10 to 11 this week: "If thou is thy Warden of Traffic, thou shalt be taught Common Sense."
Number 10, up from number 11: "Thou shalt build underground, for that is feasible"
In at number 9: "Thou shalt have no other crews but mine"
Number 8, down from number 5: "Thou shalt find no place for murderers, rapists, paedophiles and ageing DJs"
Number 7 down from 4: "Thou shalt not take unto thine self an head covering of small beasts alike unto the fretful Chinchilla.This also is an abomination.Selah"
In at 6: "Thou shalt travel only sideways on the buses, yea as the crab that doth ply the banks of the Thames."
Number 5, up from 7: "Thou shalt not be bored out of thy skull."
It's a non-mover at Number 4: "Thou shalt not bear false traffic light phasing"
Straight in at number 3: "Thou shalt support Boris in any way necessary."
After four weeks at the top, down to number 2: "Thou shalt seal to the miscreants all form of exit."
New entry at number 1, "Thou shalt not take the shekels of the charioteer who driveth his vehicle even unto the Centre of the City, for verily this is the Gestion Charge that is called 'Con'"
davidabsalom
Comment No. 706355 July 18 13:07 GBR And a fast riser at number 15:
"Thou shalt get thy crew to express themselves through the medium of music (unless they want to sing about that nasty gay sex stuff)"
InternetFact
Comment No. 706360 July 18 13:10 GBR In a few years time, when social historians are writing about how in the early 21st century newspaper blogs connected huge numbers of people through serious political discourse, I hope this article is dug up. Unless Mike has used his serious political clout of have had Boris made King Of The Internet For Life and had it destroyed.
jackoba
Comment No. 706367 July 18 13:13 GBR epic thread
I laughed for hours
Benulek
Comment No. 706373 July 18 13:15 POL 'And the Lord said, "Let there be Mike." And there was Mike.'
misharialadwani - genius! More please- the campaign trail will need a songbook we can distribute to the faithful. Let's call it 'My Oral Situation'.
HaSipHaSip
Comment No. 706374 July 18 13:15 THA Dennis1832, Ignoring your appalling sense of humour failure for a moment, my reason for having a go at the follicularly challenged one is that he used to be a (not too close)neighbour of mine 30 years ago, was a complete plonker then, and clearly has degenerated rapidly since. Better debunkers than I have already shredded his manifesto - thanks for the entertainment! SirJonDangerOUS will get my vote if he brings back the stocks for such delusional self-publicists..
notgethithatonharry
Comment No. 706382 July 18 13:17 ESP From his profile: "...Mike has just finished an album collaborating with many literary greats including Shelley, Byron, Kipling, Auden, Shakespeare, Dylan Thomas, Tennyson and Wordsworth."
I knew he was out of touch, but I didn't realise he'd actually been dead for quite so long. Or perhaps his self-proclaimed ability to "Get in there ... and understand their problems" stretches beyond just the troubled yoof of London.
rolleyes
Comment No. 706387 July 18 13:20 GBR A non-mover at 9:
"Those that the Lord hath taken unto himself, in his wisdom, shalt be not dismissed from thy hearts. Rather thou shalt make collaboration unto them, for thine is the royalties, for ever and ever, amen."
HerrEMott
Comment No. 706388 July 18 13:20 GBR Well this has all been very interesting but I still want to know what David "Kid" Jensen and Mike "I'm not a very good helicopter pilot" Smith think about building underground before I start digging.
IsMikeReadGayOrFakin
Comment No. 706411 July 18 13:25 GBR So, Mr Read, are you gay? Inquiring minds want to know.
bluetuliproseread
Comment No. 706414 July 18 13:25 GBR I have a washing machine. I have called it Mike Read... unfortunately it broke - I've discussed this with the manufacturers and it's feasible.
However after exploring more usage of the Thames I'm off down there with my washing. See ya...
misharialadwani
Comment No. 706421 July 18 13:26 GBR Rule 69 with a bullet- "Thou shalt not playeth the track that is called "Relaxeth" by the blasphemers Francis Goeth To The Place That Is Called Hollywood.Heed this lest thine life become as gall and wormwood,yea,verily,even unto tasting like the Bull that is called Red.Selah"
Kinder
Comment No. 706425 July 18 13:27 GBR My God, what a bitter, miserable bunch today's Guardian readers are. Pathetic, vitriolic, personal abuse doesn't pass for intelligent debate anywhere else, only in the pages of a Guardian blog. Just lighten up, the lot of you.
CheeseBikini
Comment No. 706429 July 18 13:29 LUX "Thou shalt not covet Sarah Greene's husband"
LondonFido
Comment No. 706456 July 18 13:40 GBR "Neither shall ye play that track that by the Francis blasphemers that is called 'When Two Krews Goeth Unto War' lest it encourageth them away from the righteous paths of understanding their problems and preventeth them from accessing sporting facilities and the chance to maketh music, act, dance and write."
smallwordsplease
Comment No. 706471 July 18 13:45 GBR Mike, I think what you need to do is take yourself a bit more seriously and come up with some more ideas people would really like. Why not ban rain at weekends and summer lunchtimes? Ban rain altogether during Wimbledon fortnight, unless your chum Cliff is there, in which case he's more entertaining than sport. And then, why not compulsory work making the place look more tidy for the long term unemployed? You know, keep the 'crews' away from temptation - just give their lives a bit more meaning!
Can't Mike and Boris be Mayor as a jobshare, with Boris presenting topical quiz shows and Mike writing in the Guardian the rest of the time?
wddr
Comment No. 706476 July 18 13:47 FIN Kinder - I know it's difficult for you to see, since the moral high ground you're standing on is so far away from where us ordinary folks are. But no-one except yourself thinks we are engaged in intelligent debate. The original article pretty much set the tone in that respect.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 706483 July 18 13:49 GBR This Blue Tulip Rose Read is very frightening... is she for real? Who filmed her? Why?
@Kinder. Do you see the irony in your remark: "just lighten up, the lot of you"?
@bluetuliproseread Very funny... good to see you've lightened up, as per Kinder's kind advice.
Can we get to "Mike Read's Top 40 Ten Commandments"? Surely it's feasible!
Benulek
Comment No. 706495 July 18 13:51 POL 'Thou shalt not stint to Get In There, verily until the barbarian hordes shall be integrated.'
deepblue
Comment No. 706498 July 18 13:52 FRA kinder
" ... a miserable bunch ... " Us?
Don't think so ... in fact, we're far from that. This has made most of us laugh for the last two days.
When's the last time you allowed yourself a good laugh?
ps BTW, he brought the whole thing on himself by writing such total and utter drivel while apparently under the illusion (delusion?) that he was God's gift to London, Londoners, the Thames, 'crews', traffic wardens, car drivers and Tube travellers, underemployed police officers, unemployed poet laureates, Boris and the political/intellectual (if there is such a thing)establishment.
DaveCa
Comment No. 706532 July 18 14:02 GBR Kinder:
"My God, what a bitter, miserable bunch today's Guardian readers are. Pathetic, vitriolic, personal abuse doesn't pass for intelligent debate anywhere else, only in the pages of a Guardian blog. Just lighten up, the lot of you."
Actually I'm pretty sure that 'pathetic vitriolic personal abuse' does pass as intelligent debate in loads of places. Maybe, Kinder, you have missed the point. There is no point in engaging in intelligent debate with the silliness written by Mike Read, hence the lightness of this thread (which you recommend but fail to spot).
So, lighten up yourself, smelly-knickers.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 706539 July 18 14:06 GBR Mike Read's Top 40 Ten Commandments, so far...
A non mover at number 19: "Thou shalt not stint to Get In There, verily until the barbarian hordes shall be integrated."
Down from number 11 this week, number 18: "Neither shall ye play that track that by the Francis blasphemers that is called 'When Two Krews Goeth Unto War' lest it encourageth them away from the righteous paths of understanding their problems and preventeth them from accessing sporting facilities and the chance to maketh music, act, dance and write."
Up four places to number 17: "Thou shalt not covet Sarah Greene's husband"
This week's number 16: "Thou shalt not playeth the track that is called "Relaxeth" by the blasphemers Francis Goeth To The Place That Is Called Hollywood.Heed this lest thine life become as gall and wormwood,yea,verily,even unto tasting like the Bull that is called Red.Selah"
And a fast riser at number 15: "Thou shalt get thy crew to express themselves through the medium of music (unless they want to sing about that nasty gay sex stuff)"
A non-mover at 14: "Those that the Lord hath taken unto himself, in his wisdom, shalt be not dismissed from thy hearts. Rather thou shalt make collaboration unto them, for thine is the royalties, for ever and ever, amen."
Straight in at Number 13 - "Thou shalt have no blueprints but my blueprint, which is set up and ready to go. Nor shall thee bow down and worship false blueprints lest ye suffer the wrath of Boris"
And a brand new number 12 this week, moving up one place, it's: "Honour thy Traffic Warden for thou shalt reap reward"
Down from 10 to 11 this week: "If thou is thy Warden of Traffic, thou shalt be taught Common Sense."
Number 10, up from number 11: "Thou shalt build underground, for that is feasible"
In at number 9: "Thou shalt have no other crews but mine"
Number 8, down from number 5: "Thou shalt find no place for murderers, rapists, paedophiles and ageing DJs"
Number 7 down from 2: "Thou shalt not take unto thine self an head covering of small beasts alike unto the fretful Chinchilla.This also is an abomination.Selah"
In at 6: "Thou shalt travel only sideways on the buses, yea as the crab that doth ply the banks of the Thames."
Number 5, up from 7: "Thou shalt not be bored out of thy skull."
It's a non-mover at Number 4: "Thou shalt not bear false traffic light phasing"
Straight in at number 3: "Thou shalt support Boris in any way necessary."
After four weeks at the top, down to number 2: "Thou shalt seal to the miscreants all form of exit."
New entry at number 1, "Thou shalt not take the shekels of the charioteer who driveth his vehicle even unto the Centre of the City, for verily this is the Gestion Charge that is called 'Con'"
Catch22
Comment No. 706542 July 18 14:07 GBR I've been trying to post this for nearly the last two hours. What is going on CiF???
Let's see if it works this time. I think it is very important information for this thread so I cannot see why it hasn't been posted yet. This is my fourth attempt so here goes.
Its is official Mike Read just can't help contradicting himself.
He said in the article above: 'Scrap the Congestion Charge and put the life back into London trading'.
Yet a few seconds into this clip:
http://www.mikerouse.net/2007/06/01/124/
He says the opposite 'I'd bring it down to a reasonable fiver. Its there now, I think scrapping it is not going to be an option really.'
Listen for a bit longer and he goes on to espouse his great proposals for vandalising parking meters and doing away with the bendy bus.
And I bet you've never heard London being described as a 'tight' city. Genius.
Bathmat
Comment No. 706549 July 18 14:09 GBR Runaraound - now! Look, Mike, I know it's only acting, but I was well unimpressed when you did the dirty on Pat Butcher.
Libanius
Comment No. 706552 July 18 14:09 GBR You are Charlie Higson & I claim my five pounds...
rolleyes
Comment No. 706560 July 18 14:13 GBR The Lord Sayeth "Thou Shalt not Kill, for this is to be persistently anti-social in My sight."
IsMikeReadGayOrFakin
Comment No. 706586 July 18 14:23 GBR We're catching up with Apu, children, and we've even got our own mention on Mike's Wikipedia page.
LondonFido
Comment No. 706587 July 18 14:23 GBR Verily whathavetheydone thou art a slave driver - even Moses had to get only 10 Commandments
Benulek
Comment No. 706589 July 18 14:24 POL 'Thou shalt advance thy chariot even unto the lane that is called Bus, there to thwart the sowers of confusion and uncertainty.'
'Thou shalt not fritter thy cranial riches on trivialities, lest disturbed in their Great Seriousness are the prophets of the Comment that is Free.'
'Thou shalt filter alternately, for to counter the tamperings of the Great Newt.'
Fagin
Comment No. 706592 July 18 14:25 GBR Boris Johnson for Mayor of London?
But isn't he a complete arse?
IsMikeReadGayOrFakin
Comment No. 706598 July 18 14:27 GBR Mike, I thought 'massive' was more of the moment than 'crew'. Or was I watching too much Ali G? The Lord saith, thou shalt smite the paedophiles that Ken has allowed to walk upon the streets, yo dood, god i'm so bored mike read, yeah right yawn fart smooch
deepblue
Comment No. 706600 July 18 14:27 FRA Right, guys an' gals (sorry ... am getting a bit carried away here) we're nearly at Number 1!
A first for Mike. Won't he be pleased.
BearintheWoods
Comment No. 706609 July 18 14:29 GBR "Thou shallt not miscreate while underground" ?
Arblemarch
Comment No. 706615 July 18 14:31 USA 'As I've decided not to stand, I'm going to get behind the man who is.'
Yes, but not too close, eh Mike? Say no more, squire, say no more!
themanwithnoname
Comment No. 706618 July 18 14:32 GBR Kinder
I suggest you read Mike Reads article again and tell us which part of it was serious enough to start an intelligent debate.If something is laughable, you laugh at it. Reads article was breathtakingly stupid and consequently we are having some fun at his expense.
misharialadwani
Comment No. 706620 July 18 14:32 GBR Rule 39-Thou shalt not boardeth the bus that is called bendy.It is an abomination of the Kennites.Selah Rule 38-Thou shalt park on the double line that is called yellow or any place thou pleaseth.Selah Rule 37-Egress from the pit called Tube shall be barred to the Hoodite,the Muggerite and the Ethnicite.For they are a stiff-necked people who were casteth into the pit for a reason.Selah. Rule 36-Thou shalt suffer the little children to danceth and singeth and perhaps knocketh out a novel or two like unto the J.K. that is called Rowling who liveth amongst the shekels as unto the honey bee that liveth amongst the flowers.Selah. So sayeth Mike Read,your God.
Stumpysheep
Comment No. 706624 July 18 14:33 The Lordeth Miketh Readeth (peaceth be upon Cliffeth) shalt regularly writeth twaddleth for it giveth thine people no end of funeth to taketh the pitheth out of thee.
Arblemarch
Comment No. 706625 July 18 14:34 USA 'As I've decided not to stand, I'm going to get behind the man who is.'
Yes, but not too close, eh Mike? Say no more, squire, say no more!
drbendyspoogun
Comment No. 706626 July 18 14:34 GBR 'Thou shall hide ones semi-on when in the company of sir Cliff'
joshlanolin
Comment No. 706630 July 18 14:34 GBR Why hasn't anyone suggested Jeremy Clarkson? He'd do a fantastic job...
CheeseBikini
Comment No. 706633 July 18 14:36 LUX "Honour not the laws of relativity, but collaborate with thine ancestors"
IsMikeReadGayOrFakin
Comment No. 706643 July 18 14:38 GBR Mike, tell us more about your plans for bringing London into incredulous contempt. Eager lads and lasses are all ears.
bluetuliproseread
Comment No. 706651 July 18 14:40 GBR He's a wonderful lover.
IsMikeReadGayOrFakin
Comment No. 706666 July 18 14:43 GBR Mike works as an entertainer on cruise ships
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Mike_Read_cloned_pic.jpg
He's pretty damn funny, I must go on one of these cruises.
morganics
Comment No. 706667 July 18 14:43 GBR I'm backing Boris He's barking, Boris
Discuss.
smallwordsplease
Comment No. 706669 July 18 14:44 GBR I've just sussed this out - it's a cabbies manifesto!
In at number 37 - Thou shalt travel by cab that hath the colour of night, except for those that carryeth the colours of sponsors, and that doth park in the bowels of the earth (for it is feasible) and thou shalt agree with every utterance that proceedeth from the mouth of the LORD your driver.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 706672 July 18 14:45 GBR @misharialadwani - pure genius
@LondonFido: "Verily whathavetheydone thou art a slave driver - even Moses had to get only 10 Commandments"
Yes, but Moses and God weren't having to contend with Apu...
Mind you, perhaps Moses could part the Thames to make way for miscreants, bendy buses and carparks... surely it is feasible.
@IsMikeReadGayOrFakin: I truly hope Read is not gay... please god, no!
oldyfoldy
Comment No. 706679 July 18 14:46 GBR Is anyone doing any work this afternoon? I did manage to fit in a bit of envelope opening and database updating in between chortling.
I do think Jeremy Clarkson ought to be encouraged to do a similar piece. Best leave it til next week though so some of us can catch up with our work.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 706687 July 18 14:49 GBR I can just imagine the www.mike4mayor.com website...
All it needs is the phrase "it's feasible" across the top, a photo gallery of Mike and a blog for Mike's 'thoughts of the day'... with plenty of room for comments of course.
He'd win by a landslide.
JeffreyArcher
Comment No. 706726 July 18 14:57 Buoyed by a viral marketing scam this week the charts saw a new top ten hit- D'Ya Wanna Be In My Krew, My Krew, My Krew? - by th' Mayoral Situation Krew [DJ Mike remix]featuring Jeremy Clarkson, Jonathan King and Fat Boris...
wddr
Comment No. 706737 July 18 15:01 FIN @misharialadwani: you do this much better than me, but can't believe you've missed out one of Mike's most sacred tenets - Thou shalt not name names, thou shalt refereth only to 'influential political figures', 'professional footballers' and 'wealthy private concerns.' For it doth impress the proles, and they shalt elect thee joyously.
drmadvibe
Comment No. 706744 July 18 15:02 GBR "Finally, in brief, explore more usage of the Thames ..."
Here's something that must, I'm sure be feasible: we could drain the Thames to make more space for car parks?
Perhaps there could also be a superhighway (no buses, trucks, bikes etc) right down the middle.
I'm truly sorry to learn of your withdrawal Mike, perhaps you should try for the role of Middle-East Peace Envoy. I'm sure you'd do a better job then the bloke they've currently got lined up.
Benulek
Comment No. 706755 July 18 15:04 POL 'Thou shalt smite with great vengeance the Mike that is called McLeod, for verily he dwells as an impostor in the domain of our Lord.'
(hint- go to www.mike4mayor.com)
Kinder
Comment No. 706757 July 18 15:05 GBR Sorry to spoil the party again.
Here's another suggestion. How about if the Guardian introduce a new filter that doesn't do boring things like editing out offensive stuff, but cuts in when, say, the 250th identical opinion has been posted by bloggers on any one topic. So then the Mike Read blog, for example, would have cut off after 251 postings...
connolly
Comment No. 706764 July 18 15:06 GBR No, Mike is really quite an intellectual - he even speaks french - check out the start of
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awvZqUnJDpo
Ken must be lovin this.
stumcm
Comment No. 706766 July 18 15:06 NOR I've favourited this so that I can read and re-read it at my leisure. Read is the seed that has produced an embarrassment of pearls, and I need time away from the competing demands of work to appreciate it all fully. The one about making better use of the Thames by throwing Mike Read in it had me rolling on the floor in paroxysms.
CheeseBikini
Comment No. 706772 July 18 15:09 LUX "All those that take unto themselves an electrical carriage, they shall be entered into the kingdom of raffle"
stumcm
Comment No. 706781 July 18 15:12 NOR I've favourited this so that I can read and re-read it at my leisure. Read is the seed that has produced an embarrassment of pearls, and I need time away from the competing demands of work to appreciate it all fully. The one about making better use of the Thames by throwing Mike Read in it had me rolling on the floor in paroxysms.
IsMikeReadGayOrFakin
Comment No. 706802 July 18 15:18 GBR wddr - that's "influential and political figures". Let's guess - influential non-political figures: Dave Lee Travis - non-influential political figures: Quentin Davies
any more?
JamesRR
Comment No. 706807 July 18 15:20 GBR Mike Read and Boris Johnson: two cheeks of the same arse.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 706810 July 18 15:21 GBR Dave Lee Travis is influential?
SirJonDanger0us
Comment No. 706816 July 18 15:23 GBR "Thou shalt not suffer an Bus to bend, for verily the LORD saith that the decks of an Bus shall be double, even as the wings of the penguin"
"Cliff art thou, but I shall call the Peter for thou art the soft rock on which I shall build my church"
hairymary
Comment No. 706823 July 18 15:25 GBR The electorate has already spoken.
In the 3rd series of "I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here" in 2004 Mike Read was voted 10th most popular contestant (out of 10).
Top 5 in reverse order were Jordan, Lord Brockett, Peter Andre, Jennie Bond and (winner) plucky Kerry Katona.
davidabsalom
Comment No. 706828 July 18 15:26 GBR Now that we've all had our fun, I think we should thank Mike Read. He's given us more entertainment this past day than he has in the rest of his 30-year career.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 706833 July 18 15:27 GBR "In the 3rd series of "I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here" in 2004 Mike Read was voted 10th most popular contestant (out of 10)."
Yeah, but that's because he's not actually a celebrity.
Catch22
Comment No. 706834 July 18 15:27 GBR We're beating Apu!
Keep it going folks.
What I want to know is are we going to see Mike Read, like his name sake Mike Reid don a spinning, flashing bow tie and stand in his birthday suit outside Pat Butcher's house?
Have we had the commandments:
"Thou shalt not refrain from vandalising parking meters so that thee shall not have to paye for the parking of your chariots and donkeys."
or
"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbouring street's parking warden."
DaveCa
Comment No. 706835 July 18 15:28 GBR Kinder, you don't have to read this frippery, you know.
(Unless, of course, you are Mike Read - in which case you should be strapped into a dentist's chair with your eyes pinned open and your sorry article slowly scrolling by on a screen with the 'highlights' of your 'musical career' blasting out at intolerable volume ie, audible. Actually, even if you are not Mike Read.....)
moook
Comment No. 706837 July 18 15:29 GBR @ JamesRR
"Mike Read and Boris Johnson: two cheeks of the same arse."
That explains David Cameron's weird arse-face, with his little puckered mouth.
misharialadwani
Comment No. 706842 July 18 15:31 GBR beneluk-thanks for kind remarks,loved My Oral Situation wddr-thanks for compliment..your right I did miss Mike's fondness for...what's the opposite of name dropping?..thing is,faced with the hugeness,the all-encompassing greatness of Mike I become dazzled..who can see it all ? whathavetheydone-enjoy your posts and thanks for collating the Commandments..I think we've comprehensively beaten Apu.. It's time to get serious..Mike,you should bottle your bathwater.Market it as Mike's Miracle Juice,Cures Absolutely Everything..I'm telling you,mate,we'd rake in the loot..Bentleys,mink next the skin,farting through silk,the crackle of banknotes in an open fire,rubies as big as your nose...let me know and I'll get cracking on the advertising campaign.Love,your friend,Mishari
downsman
Comment No. 706847 July 18 15:32 GBR Still loving the thread. But having read his piece again, I'm back to my first reaction - that this must be a spoof. Surely the Profile, including collaborations with Shakespeare etc, is too good to be true. And the piece itself is just well beyond parody - the guy may have been a crap DJ, but he did occupy the Radio 1 airwaves for many years, and you have to have some sense of proportion and of the likely public reaction to your words to do that, don't you? Surely you stay in a job like that by being ultra careful to avoid stuff like 'I speak to lots of young people in gangs or "crews" as they prefer to be known'. How did CIF editors satisfy themselves this was the real deal?
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 706855 July 18 15:35 GBR Ok folks, yes, I do have better things to do... but this has kept me entertained.
Mike Read's Top 40 Ten Commandments!!
This week's new number 40: "Thou shalt speaketh thrice times at a gathering of they that be calledeth 'Conservatives', and thou shalt be encouraged by thy who are both political and influentialeth."
A new entry at 39: "Thou shalt not boardeth the bus that is called bendy.It is an abomination of the Kennites.Selah"
Down two at 38: "Thou shalt park on the double line that is called yellow or any place thou pleaseth.Selah"
Up two to number 37: "Egress from the pit called Tube shall be barred to the Hoodite,the Muggerite and the Ethnicite.For they are a stiff-necked people who were casteth into the pit for a reason.Selah."
Up five to 36: "Thou shalt suffer the little children to danceth and singeth and perhaps knocketh out a novel or two like unto the J.K. that is called Rowling who liveth amongst the shekels as unto the honey bee that liveth amongst the flowers.Selah."
Non mover at 35: "Thou Shalt not Kill, for this is to be persistently anti-social in My sight."
Still at 34: "Thou shalt advance thy chariot even unto the lane that is called Bus, there to thwart the sowers of confusion and uncertainty."
At number 33 it's: "Thou shalt not fritter thy cranial riches on trivialities, lest disturbed in their Great Seriousness are the prophets of the Comment that is Free."
New entry at 32: "Thou shalt filter alternately, for to counter the tamperings of the Great Newt."
Up two to 31: "Thou shallt not miscreate while underground"
Down five this week, at 30 it's: "The Lordeth Miketh Readeth (peaceth be upon Cliffeth) shalt regularly writeth twaddleth for it giveth thine people no end of funeth to taketh the pitheth out of thee."
up two at 29: "Honour not the laws of relativity, but collaborate with thine ancestors"
In at number 28: "Thou shalt travel by cab that hath the colour of night, except for those that carryeth the colours of sponsors, and that doth park in the bowels of the earth (for it is feasible) and thou shalt agree with every utterance that proceedeth from the mouth of the LORD your driver."
Still at number 27: Thou shalt not refrain from vandalising parking meters so that thee shall not have to paye for the parking of your chariots and donkeys."
Up three at number 26: "Cliff art thou, but I shall call the Peter for thou art the soft rock on which I shall build my church"
Down ten, at number 25: "Thou shalt not suffer an Bus to bend, for verily the LORD saith that the decks of an Bus shall be double, even as the wings of the penguin"
At number 24: "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbouring street's parking warden."
A non mover again, at number 23: "Thou shall spake thrice times at the conference of those called Conservatives"
Down 1 this week, at number 22: "All those that take unto themselves an electrical carriage, they shall be entered into the kingdom of raffle"
New entry at 21: "Thou shalt smite with great vengeance the Mike that is called McLeod, for verily he dwells as an impostor in the domain of our Lord."
Number 20, straight in, it's: "Thou shalt not name names, thou shalt refereth only to 'influential political figures', 'professional footballers' and 'wealthy private concerns.' For it doth impress the proles, and they shalt elect thee joyously."
A non mover at number 19: "Thou shalt not stint to Get In There, verily until the barbarian hordes shall be integrated."
Down from number 11 this week, number 18: "Neither shall ye play that track that by the Francis blasphemers that is called 'When Two Krews Goeth Unto War' lest it encourageth them away from the righteous paths of understanding their problems and preventeth them from accessing sporting facilities and the chance to maketh music, act, dance and write."
Up four places to number 17: "Thou shalt not covet Sarah Greene's husband"
This week's number 16: "Thou shalt not playeth the track that is called "Relaxeth" by the blasphemers Francis Goeth To The Place That Is Called Hollywood.Heed this lest thine life become as gall and wormwood,yea,verily,even unto tasting like the Bull that is called Red.Selah"
And a fast riser at number 15: "Thou shalt get thy crew to express themselves through the medium of music (unless they want to sing about that nasty gay sex stuff)"
A non-mover at 14: "Those that the Lord hath taken unto himself, in his wisdom, shalt be not dismissed from thy hearts. Rather thou shalt make collaboration unto them, for thine is the royalties, for ever and ever, amen."
Straight in at Number 13 - "Thou shalt have no blueprints but my blueprint, which is set up and ready to go. Nor shall thee bow down and worship false blueprints lest ye suffer the wrath of Boris"
And a brand new number 12 this week, moving up one place, it's: "Honour thy Traffic Warden for thou shalt reap reward"
...see next post...
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 706858 July 18 15:35 GBR continued from previous post...
And a brand new number 12 this week, moving up one place, it's: "Honour thy Traffic Warden for thou shalt reap reward"
Down from 10 to 11 this week: "If thou is thy Warden of Traffic, thou shalt be taught Common Sense."
Number 10, up from number 11: "Thou shalt build underground, for that is feasible"
In at number 9: "Thou shalt have no other crews but mine"
Number 8, down from number 5: "Thou shalt find no place for murderers, rapists, paedophiles and ageing DJs"
Number 7 down from 2: "Thou shalt not take unto thine self an head covering of small beasts alike unto the fretful Chinchilla.This also is an abomination.Selah"
In at 6: "Thou shalt travel only sideways on the buses, yea as the crab that doth ply the banks of the Thames."
Number 5, up from 7: "Thou shalt not be bored out of thy skull."
It's a non-mover at Number 4: "Thou shalt not bear false traffic light phasing"
Straight in at number 3: "Thou shalt support Boris in any way necessary."
After four weeks at the top, down to number 2: "Thou shalt seal to the miscreants all form of exit."
New entry at number 1, "Thou shalt not take the shekels of the charioteer who driveth his vehicle even unto the Centre of the City, for verily this is the Gestion Charge that is called 'Con'"
themanwithnoname
Comment No. 706862 July 18 15:37 GBR Kinder For someone who seemed to be pretty pissed off with this blogs lack of intelligent debate, you seem to be hanging around a bit. Try the telegraph, I'm sure you will find something there to keep a smile off your face.
Benulek
Comment No. 706863 July 18 15:37 POL How about introducing a filter that employs complex content analysis algorithms to detect those posters completely devoid of anything resembling a sense of humour and who still appear to be labouring under the misconception that we have all gathered here to express an opinion rather than to mock the ridiculous pretensions of a cut-price Jeffrey Archer.
Well, for every Kinder there's a misharialadwani- a pleasure to make your acquaintance!
Benulek
Comment No. 706864 July 18 15:37 POL How about introducing a filter that employs complex content analysis algorithms to detect those posters completely devoid of anything resembling a sense of humour and who still appear to be labouring under the misconception that we have all gathered here to express an opinion rather than to mock the ridiculous pretensions of a cut-price Jeffrey Archer.
Well, for every Kinder there's a misharialadwani- a pleasure to make your acquaintance!
Insidian
Comment No. 706869 July 18 15:39 GBR Dennis1832:"It reminds me of when I was nine and half the playground turned on the slightly irritating kid. There was lots of chasing, taunting, punching, culminating in pulling his trousers down." No prizes for guessing who that 'slightly' irritating kid was, eh, Dennis? We've had enough commandments, so howzabout a 'Nicey-an Creed': We believe in one Cliff, the Bachelor Boy Immortal, Maker of Living Doll and of all things risible and unlistenable. And in one Boris Johnson, hereafter known as Christ on a Bike, begotten of his father who is a charming chap, being of one substance as yet undetermined.
Finish it off, anyone?
InternetFact
Comment No. 706893 July 18 15:47 GBR Has anyone else had the (mis)fortune to hear someone using the phrase "I've discussed this, and it's feasible" since reading the article? I heard someone say it in the office this morning and spat tea all over the place. I'm going to adopt it as my own motto until I get slapped for being an annoying idiot.
Stumpysheep
Comment No. 706906 July 18 15:53 Can't wait to get home and re-read this with a beer and a joint. Am getting very strange looks from people in my office that aren't also reading this thread - easy to hide the fact you're wasting time when you're not constantly laughing.
whathavetheydoneforyou (and others) - you're all geniuses!
Best CiF blog ever - keep 'em coming folks!
bluetuliproseread
Comment No. 706913 July 18 15:55 GBR Thou shalt not give mints to Ed Stewart.
I've been married to Mr Mike Read for nearly 11 years, up until 2000 I did share him with HRH The Queen Mum. Apparently she wasn't too hot in the sack but she did mix a mean dubonnet and lemonade. There were plans to introduce Jill Dando (leave it) at one point into the mix, but when my husband tried to approach her she was out buying a printer cartridge. Big mistake Jill big mistake.
Although there were no hard feelings between The Queen Mother and I after the love split, every time I'm about to perform an act of oral love upon him now I just can't help thinking, "what would the Queen Mum do?". So I take out my teeth
C21Potlatch
Comment No. 706918 July 18 15:57 GBR Thou shalt consort with the roasters that are persistent, the rich men that are avaricious and the administrators of sport that are inept for, lo, there shall emergeth a feasible blueprint for junior football.
JeffreyArcher
Comment No. 706929 July 18 15:58 I don't think it's quite fair that someone who has done so much for charity and for the British Music Industry, highlighting the dangers of piracy and how home-taping is killing music, should be treated to such abuse.
In addition, I can't see why Guardian readers don't have the decency to at least recognise the value some of Mike's more "common sense" ideas, especially those relating to London after dark. Perhaps he is indeed qualified to look after late-evening entertainment and policing in our nation's capital.
In fact, I think many Londoners would see Mike Reid as a well-rounded and complete Night-Mayor.
Re: Common Sense classes for Traffic wardens
Be Reasonable. Demandth th' Impossible
- MAYORAL SITUATIONIST KREW
drmadvibe
Comment No. 706942 July 18 16:03 GBR Thou shall not bow down nor worship the Stone of a reddish hue that be Living; for I shall smite those who would not get behind the Boris, punishing bloggers for the iniquity of their false utterances.
Neilyneil
Comment No. 706945 July 18 16:04 "In a congested city why build an essential mode of transport lengthways?"
Of all the sillyquestions. Because a bendy bus has more DOORS so that it can take passengers on and let them off more quickly. Count them. Because single decker busses don't have to wait at stops while people climb down stairs. Because they have disabled access. Because they can go faster round corners than a double decker. Because they can go under Londons older railway bridges where a double decker wouldn't fit, meaning better coverage of the network without scraping the roof off the bus and decapitating the occupants, which might be generally considered to be A Bad Idea.
Maybe even get out of your car which (is obviously your main form of transport given this apparent understanding of what a bus actually is) only carries a tiny amount of people given its length, and spend a bit of time travelling in one.
TFL is respected world wide as an organisation which is doing its very best in a city which is congested because of people who drive too many cars.
Look at the Department of Transport plots on traffic growth if you don't believe me.
moook
Comment No. 706953 July 18 16:05 GBR The Lord's Prayer
Boris' Father, who art a charming chap Hallowed by Mike Read Thy Mayordom come Thy will be done, under the earth, because it is feasible, Give crews this day their daily art And forgive us our bendy buses, As we forgive the traffic wardens' stealth taxes against us Lead us not into the congestion zone But deliver us from Kenneth For thine is the mayordom, political and influential Forever and ever, amen.
(with apologies to, well, um, god?)
markahoy
Comment No. 706958 July 18 16:06 GBR I think it's touching that Mike posted this under the misapprehension that the only thing that has scuppered his chances of being Mayor of London is the change in voting system.
I would hope that he has been thoroughly disabused.
I'd love to hear some of the policies that weren't sufficiently well thought out to make it into his manifesto.
IsMikeReadGayOrFakin
Comment No. 706961 July 18 16:07 GBR Blue Tulip Rose, I shall think of you as Blue Tulip Eros. Can you be sure though that as you gobble and nibble gummily away Mr Mike Read your Mancunian husband is not really thinking of little boys' jelly-like arses?
Is Mike Read or is he not gay? His harping on paedophilia and bendy buses gives a clue.
LordLuvaduck
Comment No. 706962 July 18 16:07 FRA "Last October, having spoken for the third time at a Conservative conference many influential and political figures encouraged me to stand as London mayor, resulting in many people in the party urging me forward".
Hmm.. was that:-
(1st time) "Can I come in?", "No". (2nd time) "Can I come in, please?", "No". (3rd time) "Go on, let me in", "No, four-cough and get a life!"
THCone
Comment No. 706966 July 18 16:08 Oh just priceless!
Been havin a poor day at work but this! oh please stop the blog my ribes are all but gone..
On the Alan Partridge theme, I think we may have something here..
Has anyone ever seen Mike and Alan in the same room?
Benulek
Comment No. 706973 July 18 16:09 POL Cheers all, I'm off. Reluctantly.
It's been - how can I put this - totally feasible.
deb1
Comment No. 706981 July 18 16:10 GBR Just checked in for a quick giggle- too much - can only take this in small doses! Off again...back later
mrfusticle
Comment No. 706983 July 18 16:11 GBR Bump on legendary thread (as they where i come from)
LondonFido
Comment No. 706990 July 18 16:12 GBR Insidian - "We've had enough commandments" - it's not fair I had to go to a meeting - some of us have had to do some work to keep this city great, you know. Can I have one commandment for subs bench in case one of the Top 40 gets injured?
"O dwellers of London, honour onto the thousandth generation, the great Trinity mystery of the mayoral situation - Stanley the Father, Boris the Son and Mike the Holy Read. Now go and vote in peace"
alanpav
Comment No. 707001 July 18 16:15 If we end up with a Ken v. Boris contest, I sincerely hope it will be about the issues relevant to the powers of the mayor, rather than just a campaign of silly stunts. Otherwise I shall look elsewhere for a serious candidate to back.
HaSipHaSip
Comment No. 707002 July 18 16:16 THA Maybe not worthy of the top fifty, but I'm tired after a day's working and reading this blog... And not talented! And a few Chang's... But para 3 hasn't had a decent hack at it yet! 'Thinkest thee not at at the eleventh hour, lest thou repent of all political aspirations...' You Guardianistas can do better! Great work, whathavetheydone, hope u have a literary agent!
notmelphilips
Comment No. 707003 July 18 16:17 GBR It may be easy to mock Mike Read, in fact it is easy to mock Mike Read but which of us can honestly say that we could resist the blandishments of influential *and* political figures? Who, indeed, could resist the charm of Boris's charming father? Has no one considered the fact that he did point out there wasn't space to include discussion of countless issues due to limited space? Perhaps, with more space, he might have come up with some better ideas - I've discussed this with the CiF editors and they say this is feasible and are urging we posters forward to establish a blueprint. Perhaps a series of articles could be envisaged in which "Mike" tackles some key issues of the day, the mayoral situation being after all a bit limited for someone of his versatility: Mike Read's blueprint for dealing with global warming (put all the heat underground - I've discussed it with developers and they laughed themselves into a spasm); Mike Read on terrorism (it should be banned); Mike Read on religion (I've decided not to stand for the post of God, but I'll be backing the big man himself); Mike Read on TinTin (poptastic!). These are just a few ideas to get things started of course - no doubt there are countless other topics which would benefit from his searching gaze, and CiF would surely never be the same again.
arabjew
Comment No. 707013 July 18 16:19 GBR From Mike Read's profile:
"A patron of the Tennis Foundation, Mike Read plays in pro-celebrity tournaments"
Come on people, be fair, he may not be the most gifted politician of our generation, but at least the man does his bit for our neglected and impoverished celebrities through the medium of tennis.
arabjew
Comment No. 707014 July 18 16:20 GBR From Mike Read's profile:
"A patron of the Tennis Foundation, Mike Read plays in pro-celebrity tournaments"
Come on people, be fair, he may not be the most gifted politician of our generation, but at least the man does his bit for our neglected and impoverished celebrities through the medium of tennis.
Stumpysheep
Comment No. 707033 July 18 16:25 >If we end up with a Ken v. Boris contest, I sincerely hope it >will be about the issues relevant to the powers of the mayor, >rather than just a campaign of silly stunts.
There's a spelling mistake it that sentence, and yes, it will be such a campaign.
CheeseBikini
Comment No. 707036 July 18 16:25 LUX Great work everyone, I look forward to visiting the great and wondrous "Feasible Catacombs of London", next time I'm back.
For now I'm off to the bar to miscreate
rolleyes
Comment No. 707042 July 18 16:26 GBR I've been trying to post my Lord's Prayer all afternoon - thought it was being moderated as blasphemous until I saw someone else's. Try again!
Our Mayor, who art in City Hall
Mike Read be thy name
Thy censor "come",
Thy will be done on air, as it isn't fit for the wireless
Give us this day our double-decker bus And tubes for our nurses, and PCs seal those miscreants that trespass against us
And lead us not into congestion, but deliver us from meters For thine is the blueprint, the power and the Tory For 275 and 285, AM.
JamesRR
Comment No. 707051 July 18 16:28 GBR Mike's campaign slogan:
"Vote Mike 4 Mayor. If you were running for Mayor, he'd vote for you."
misharialadwani
Comment No. 707059 July 18 16:30 GBR bluetuliproseread-You poor deluded creature..as if the Blessed Mike would indulge in something so sordid..Don't you realize that Mike exists on another plane altogether ? He is neither wholly flesh,nor wholly spirit,nor wholly Holy Ghost,(eh?),He partakes of all of these..He soars majestically above,the wings of His mighty intellect giving shade to the humble supplicants of CiF.. "In the midst of life,I found myself in a darkling wood...and there was a gateway and emblazoned above it were the words,'per me si va tra la perduta gente'(through me you go amongst the lost people).." Truly,Mike is Virgil to our Dante,a lamp unto our feet..so let's have no more smutty allegations of oral sex,lest He decide to withdraw the light of His countenance..and then where would we be ? Stuck on the spiritual equivalent of a bendy bus,that's where.
Catch22
Comment No. 707066 July 18 16:32 GBR @Mook - brilliant!
whathavetheydone - thanks for the top 40!
Good job I only have a PhD to finish and not a proper job as I have done 0 work today.
As for Mike's policies, I was wondering if he might enlighten us with his ideas surrounding literacy. Perhaps he could tackle the problem of teenage illiteracy by setting up the Read Krew?
misharialadwani
Comment No. 707072 July 18 16:34 GBR bluetuliproseread-You poor deluded creature..as if the Blessed Mike would indulge in something so sordid..Don't you realize that Mike exists on another plane altogether ? He is neither wholly flesh,nor wholly spirit,nor wholly Holy Ghost,(eh?),He partakes of all of these..He soars majestically above,the wings of His mighty intellect giving shade to the humble supplicants of CiF.. "In the midst of life,I found myself in a darkling wood...and there was a gateway and emblazoned above it were the words,'per me si va tra la perduta gente'(through me you go amongst the lost people).." Truly,Mike is Virgil to our Dante,a lamp unto our feet..so let's have no more smutty allegations of oral sex,lest He decide to withdraw the light of His countenance..and then where would we be ? Stuck on the spiritual equivalent of a bendy bus,that's where.
davidabsalom
Comment No. 707077 July 18 16:34 GBR From Mike Read's profile:
"A patron of the Tennis Foundation, Mike Read plays in pro-celebrity tournaments"
I didn't know he was a tennis pro.
Neilyneil
Comment No. 707083 July 18 16:35 "Home Taping is Killing Music"
Well, I'm not too sure about that. I've always found that Home Baking is Killing Music
InternetFact
Comment No. 707084 July 18 16:35 GBR I googled Mike Read to see what turned up, and was pleasantly surprised to see that this page is already the fifth result! If it can topple Wikipedia from the top spot I will support any attempt to establish Mike as Mayor For Life. Is this feasible?
polemicist
Comment No. 707119 July 18 16:43 GBR Doesn't matter who stands now - the winner will be the number of spoiled ballot papers saying "Read for Mayor" and signed by "Mike's Crew".
japan
Comment No. 707121 July 18 16:43 GBR this all makes me very happy. i have been dipping in all day and was telling a friend about it at the school gates when i noticed that several parents were staring at me. why? i was (subconsciously) literally DANCING with glee. this mayoral race is going to be an absolute HOOT. vive la tory buffoonery !!!
moook
Comment No. 707131 July 18 16:44 GBR @ Catch22
cheers. Unfortunately I *do* have a proper job. Must stop wasting time on cif...
A late entry to the Top 40 Ten Commandments (sorry, I know we're so, like, *over* that right now)
"Thou shalt cut thine own hair"
bluetuliproseread
Comment No. 707162 July 18 16:51 GBR http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=RgPpFCAhsNk&mode=related&search=
Please feel free to see me talk about my beloved husband MR MIKE READ and how we first met (see link above). This was before the b&st&rd that is Sir Cliff minced his way in. Minced being the operative word.
And don't get me started on that tart Gloria Hunniford - I still can't get rid of those marks off my sheets. Saying that I never thought I'd shift Cliff's colostomy bag spillage stains but thank heavens for cilit bang.
justoffpeak
Comment No. 707166 July 18 16:51 GBR The top Partridge comment comes in his Profile - he plays in TWO county tennis leagues. Bless him.
Insidian
Comment No. 707174 July 18 16:53 GBR SUDDEN TERRIBLE REVELATION:
Read's biog says he 'collaborated' with Wordsworth - it all becomes horribly clear: MIKE READ IS MC NUTS - the perpetrator of that execrable take on 'Daffodils' for the Cumbria tourist board! No wonder he hid in that f*cking squirrel costume.
arabjew
Comment No. 707189 July 18 16:57 GBR misharialadwani (Comment No. 705254, July 17 21:33)
thanks for the funniest comment on the funniest thread ever on cif...i choked and i wasnt even eating anything.
though sadly i have now had to abandon the comment piece i was halfway through having chris morris ghostwrite on how i had decided to withdraw from the mayoral situation in order to back Pongo, who i feel has a much stronger chance of success without me splitting the idiot vote.
LondonFido
Comment No. 707207 July 18 17:01 GBR arabjew - another Read mystery solved - he must collaborate with the dead through the medium of tennis. rolleyes - loved your Lord's Prayer Benulek - genius and whathavetheydone - get on to TfL and see if they'll publish the Top 40 Commandments as tube and tube station ads - they'll inspire civic pride in us all.
This thread has been a real tonic - not sure I've had so much fun with a keyboard and screen. My only regret is that Mike has not (yet?) visited us - or maybe MKone or Dennis1832 are really Mike in disguise.
hairymary
Comment No. 707208 July 18 17:01 GBR Hi genuine Mike fans (and pathetic spiteful Guardian-reading lefty salad-munchers), please help make Mike's day tomorrow by tuning to www.bigl.co.uk (Sky channel 0190) - Frinton's leading international radio station. Mike is scheduled 0900-1300 and you can email him in the studio via the website. Let's Rock!
HaSipHaSip
Comment No. 707210 July 18 17:01 THA bluetuliproseread, I fear your excellent, stalking, joke is wasted on the great unwashed here at CiF
Lilythepunk
Comment No. 707217 July 18 17:04 It buggers belief !
Stumpysheep
Comment No. 707241 July 18 17:11 Thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil, For I have already died hundreds of times on CiF.
Or
Thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil, For it be merely the bed of the Thames that I drained to make better use of.
Or
Thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil, For it is feasible that it could become a car park.
Or
Thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil, For not even the Devil dareth approach lest Lord Cliff singeth unto him.
Anyway, off to the pub whilst it's still sunny.
Marvelment
Comment No. 707260 July 18 17:16 GBR And it came to pass that the plunge in productivity caused by the 'Mike Read Debate' was equivalent to the cost of building 7 car parks reaching even unto the Earth's core, or 1,268 West End musicals (one night only, by request).
The man has special powers though, it cannot be denied. In fact, perhaps he's 'collaborating' with you right now and you just don't know it...
Yet.
Neilyneil
Comment No. 707262 July 18 17:17 Mr Read says "sell merchandise such as maps, London T shirts, flags, souvenirs and so on"
Now THATS a good idea and very original. As every tourist knows, the only souvenir of any sort currently on sale is a ton of gravel from the Builders Merchants in Walthamstow. And not everyone wants that. It's heavy, hard to transport, and too gravelly for some tastes. A real gap in the market there Mike. Well done. Do you think the shop could charge money for these items, or would payment consist of the shopkeeper being spanked inna public school stylee on the bottom with a dead badger. For an encore, why not encourage supermarkets to sell anything other than those expensive crates of Moon Rock?
Perhaps someone ought to explain to Mike and Boris what London actually is. It seems they have decided that it's a kind of giant biscuit or something.
Wailofatime
Comment No. 707266 July 18 17:18 GBR "Thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil, For it is feasible that it could become a car park."
Stumpysheep, you may just have won the thread.
SirJonDanger0us
Comment No. 707273 July 18 17:19 GBR Yay, my commandment is top of the Pops!
In celebration, I have done a precis of the piece. It's uncanny, even if I say so myself.
Me as London Mayor...not politics. Boris standing...for me narrow chance. Happy support Boris...mayoral situation.
Tougher rapists and paedophiles...in crews...get in there...dance. Underground miscreants sealed...until 2am at weekends...in illegal taxis.
Bendy buses...congested. Why...have...practical...scrap. More life trading. Broken parking. More...stressful...traffic. Monitor bus...confusion.
Drive.
Build...underground. Underground. I've discussed this and it's feasible.
Football...boost. Ken...bored. More use of the Thames...as merchandise. Common stealth tax.
I have the blueprints...of course...in space.
I'm...going...behind... London Mayor
RobinBrown
Comment No. 707297 July 18 17:25 HUN [Deleted by CIF moderator]
Catch22
Comment No. 707306 July 18 17:27 GBR lilythepunk - "It buggers belief !" No thats just Mike.
moook
Comment No. 707310 July 18 17:28 GBR "Thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil, For it is feasible that it could become a car park."
I'd like to second the nomination that Stumpysheep be declared winner of the thread.
I'd also like to go to the pub, but I have to do some work now. Booooo
davidabsalom
Comment No. 707315 July 18 17:29 GBR A better precis would be:
I'm... not Boris Johnson... but... I... understand... FA.
japan
Comment No. 707318 July 18 17:29 GBR RobinBrown - PERHAPS?!???!! i think it's actually highly feasable.
deiseach
Comment No. 707393 July 18 17:53 IRL Apropos LizStockeraswas's comment, I feel I must contribute in some small way so that in years to come, when my grandchildren ask whether I remembered the Mike Read blog, I can point at this thread and say "I was THERE!"
However it should be noted that the third comment, from bromley, is the one we all wanted to make. Damn him/her to Hades!
carlweathers
Comment No. 707431 July 18 18:09 GBR Mike's election feem, sung by billie piper:
why d'you wanna park underground? because it's feasible! because it's feasible! why d'you wanna market london town? because it's feasible! because it's feasible! why d'you wanna hire a cockney bard? because it's feasible! because it's feasible! why d'you wanna mark the paedos' cards? because it's feasible! because it's feasible! etc.
notsureofmyname
Comment No. 707436 July 18 18:10 GBR "...having spoken for the third time at a Conservative conference..."
I'm sure that he did a 10 minute politcal 'rap'!?!?!?!!? But for the life of me can't remember where I heard this:
Am I going bonkers, or can anyone back this up? If true...where is the footage!?!?!
IsMikeReadGayOrFakin
Comment No. 707447 July 18 18:15 GBR HA!
"I'm backing Boris (500) comments The Apu travesty (400) comments"
HA!
Bite us, Apu! I don't even know what apu is. It's not Anglia Polytechnic University, because that's now Anglia Ruskin University. I know what Mike Read is. I don't know if he's gay though. Perhaps he's just faking.
Kinder
Comment No. 707455 July 18 18:16 GBR deiseach: "I feel I must contribute in some small way so that in years to come, when my grandchildren ask whether I remembered the Mike Read blog, I can point at this thread and say "I was THERE!""
And similarly self-congratulatory remarks.....
Oh how the smugness of Guardian bloggers beggars belief!
Do something real!!
IsMikeReadGayOrFakin
Comment No. 707466 July 18 18:19 GBR Kenny Everett spoke at a Tory conference too. Perhaps we should dig him up and let him run. He'd have as good a chance as Boris Ulrikasson, and decidedly better than My Creed.
IsMikeReadGayOrFakin
Comment No. 707476 July 18 18:21 GBR Kinder, you ass, what's your motive for posting then, you self-satisfied hole?
bluetuliproseread
Comment No. 707481 July 18 18:24 GBR Kinder, any more trouble from you and me, you and Mike are through.... you've been warned sunshine.
DaveCa
Comment No. 707499 July 18 18:31 GBR Kinder, I have taken your advice to do something real. Since the only thing you exemplify as real is posting a comment on CiF, I have decided to follow your lead.
Is that OK smelly-knickers?
TheRationalist
Comment No. 707501 July 18 18:32 GBR @Nossisos
"Could someone gratuitously insult religion or atheism, please, so we can get some help from the AC Grayling / Richard Dawkins crowd."
I'm reading, Nossisos, and I'm sure many of the other usual suspects are doing the same, but I for one can't begin to match the quality of invective that's already been levelled at Mr Read's essay.
All I can observe, if this hasn't been mentioned already, is that populism is by its nature supposed to be popular. It's taken real originality on Read's part to make knee jerk populism kick out not at his intended targets (traffic wardens, paedophiles, bendy buses) but at himself.
A wonderful parody of the state of contemporary toryism. I've not had so much pleasure from CiF since Theo Hobson accused atheists of pretension and cowardice.
deiseach
Comment No. 707512 July 18 18:36 IRL Kinder: "Do something real!!"
As opposed to something fake?
RobinBrown
Comment No. 707519 July 18 18:39 HUN "Finally, in brief, explore more usage of the Thames, set up mayoral shops as an information point for tourists and to sell merchandise such as maps, London T shirts, flags, souvenirs and so on. Create a London laureate to extol the virtues of the city in song and verse and encourage more of the colourful fabric of London to come through"
Maybe that was what it's really about. Mike Read wants to be the London laureate...Turn the Mayor into a pop brand ...This is all surely beyong satire...How about Tony Blackburn or Jimmy Savile 'the Mayor'll Fix It'. Dear Mayor, I wonder if you can fix it for me to...
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 707523 July 18 18:42 GBR Ok, I actually ventured into the real world for an hour or so (ok with you Kinder?)... came back and this is still going on, still f**king hilarious.
The lords prayers are fantastic... I'm going to bookmark this page too... just too damn funny. Only wish Read was actually standing so this could keep going until the mayoral situation was resolved (that's election day Mike).
Let's petition the CiF people to keep this thread open... i think it only stays open for three days.
Keep it up guys and gals!
JamesRR
Comment No. 707526 July 18 18:43 GBR His photo looks nothing like Frank Butcher.
civisromanussum
Comment No. 707544 July 18 18:52 GBR At least Boris lampoons the mad mullahs who inspire those who threaten us. Ken embraces them.
civisromanussum
Comment No. 707545 July 18 18:52 GBR At least Boris lampoons the mad mullahs who inspire those who threaten us. Ken embraces them.
civisromanussum
Comment No. 707546 July 18 18:52 GBR At least Boris lampoons the mad mullahs who inspire those who threaten us. Ken embraces them.
moook
Comment No. 707548 July 18 18:52 GBR @ JamesRR
Just shows what a great actor he is - along with his many other talent
PorFavor
Comment No. 707559 July 18 18:57 GBR Well, this seems to be having a longer run than Oscar Wilde: The Musical. I'm still not sure where this London place is though. What it needs is a volunteer to help raise its profile.
Marat
Comment No. 707595 July 18 19:11 GBR Read The Seat of Boris Part 1 Verse 3-9
If thy name is Mike Read thou shalt not stand before Boris, Nay though thy art DJ and Taxi Dermist Thou shalt stand behind Boris
For Boris is a stout member and bicyclist Boris cycles before his foul Party crying Oh I say Cripes Ding Dong Look at the bearings on that
His father who is on earth is also of the Conseravtyves Alas for thy Father Boris for he has not found his seat His fair seat hath been penetrated by other men Woe, Woe, and thrice woe to the seat that is taken. For it will be angry, blue and mottled.
Boris thou hast a safe seat in lovely blue Henley Wherein nymphs strain at oars A man may parketh his bike here amongst the tempting thighs of maidens
Wherefore wouldst thou Boris abandon this high perch, that your father has purchased for you? Wherfore wouldst thou oh Boris settle amongst the peoples of the Wen? Thy foes aboundeth there and thy wife has taken lodgings therein even when thou hast been cast out in utter darkness.
Oh Boris thy sins are many and thy flesh is blubber Thou shaketh at the sound of thy wifes voice Lest thou be cursed Turn thy head around Boris, Stray not into the Cameroons Saddle up thy bikes Oh Boris! Give thy father his dues Turn thy face to righteousness Put down those maidens, fair Petronella Turn thy face against the hard hearted Thatcherites
Forsake thee Boris all hopes of Chain and baubles Instead become as though always hath been A washpot of the highest order A Hooray Henry Settle thou in Bullenden or Henley Polish thy bike Learn only to throw food, assault drug dealers enemies and yearn for Margaret whose privatisations are legion.
Woe to you who vote Labour
For you will see only Murdoch
bluetuliproseread
Comment No. 707608 July 18 19:17 GBR MR MIKE READ is dead. Long live Kinder. I am now MRS KINDER.
Although in a perfect world I'd be able to have them both. At the same time...
provincialboyo
Comment No. 707618 July 18 19:20 GBR Come on Armando... its time to own up. Using a recent picture of Shakin Stevens next to the by-line was a nice touch.
Brilliant thread though.
themanwithnoname
Comment No. 707630 July 18 19:25 GBR Kinder
Come on admit it, you are Blue Tulip Rose Red, aren't you.
ThurrockHunt
Comment No. 707648 July 18 19:36 GBR At the end of Apocalypse Now, as Kurtz is dying, he says 'the hair.... the hair'. It never made sense until now.
dumbstruck
Comment No. 707649 July 18 19:37 NLD I'm still trying to figure out if Mike Read is serious or is a comical genius. For Polly Toynbee there is only one way out: to withdraw from the mayoral situation in favour of Mike.
I am now waiting for Kate Moss to step down as a contender: "put a policeman in front of every drugdealer to stop drug abuse", or Bill Branson: "the solution to trafficcongestion is not down, but up: put a helicopter platform on every building in London - I spoke to a former Vice President of the US about it, and it's feasable -; no parking fees for biofueled copters".
dumbstruck
notmelphilips
Comment No. 707652 July 18 19:38 GBR Kinder: thank you for helping to bring this thread closer to the magical 1000. You are a true hero of the revolution (second class). MKone and dennis1382 please come to our aid.
NeilyNeil (Kneelykneel, surely?): "... being spanked inna public school stylee on the bottom with a dead badger".
Oh my gawd, you went to Harrow, didn't you? Everyone knows that decent public schools use a pine marten (badgers are so Alan Clark) although of course Winchester has preferred the beaver since Cranmer's day.
My favorite line from this thread is still 'incredulous contempt' from the Daily Telegraph review of the great man's Oscar Wilde musical. I don't know why that makes my snort with laughter.
Roll on day three ...
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 707669 July 18 19:45 GBR Well, I think it's time we put together the complete:
Manifesto of the Mike for Mayor Campaign! www.mike4mayor.org
It goes without saying that all suggestions must be feasible.
I think we've established the first few ideas:
1- Reverse current government policy of allowing rapists, murderers and paedophiles to roam the streets of London.
2- Get 'in there' with the crews, get them dancing, singing and integrating.
3- Seal miscreants into every tube station.
4- Keep the tube open til 2am, at least on weekends, but only for nurses, theatregoers and tourists.
5- Scrap bendy buses, regardless of advice from TFL.
6- Increase road congestion by scrapping the Congestion Charge and letting cars onto bus lanes.
7- Monitor bus lanes, in case they do something.
8- Turn underground stations into carparks.
9- Put 'all' car parking underground!
10- Talk to developers, see if it's feasible.
11- Put 30,000 playing fields underground, but only after talking to the FA.
12- Start selling souvenirs.
13- Train traffic wardens to not give tickets.
14- Raise the profile of London.
15- Launch Mike's 'ready to go' website.
16- Help Boris run for mayor.
It's quite a list to start with... and all quite feasible.
Panthro83
Comment No. 707676 July 18 19:49 GBR @notsureofmyname
Correct - Heard about the 10minute rap on 'Would I Lie To You' the comedy panel show with David Mitchell.
Skip to 8m:20s and watch here.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=cKRCRTL9p1Q&mode=related&search=
and continues here: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=uoRiKoHKyYk&mode=related&search=
shazlee
Comment No. 707688 July 18 19:53 GBR I am backing Paddington Bear.
Paddington Bear will definitely give Ken Livingstone a contest.
DaveCa
Comment No. 707697 July 18 19:57 GBR That's alright Roman citizen, I heard you the first time.
I don't know if you've spotted it, Roman, but this thread is not actually about Boris. Just to give you a hint - it's to do with an article written by Mike Read, and subsequent comments about said article. Easy enough mistake to make, I suppose, if you are a humourless git.
(On a more serious note, ha!, I've noticed that not one of the defenders of Mikey baby have quite understood what's going on here (smug, I know). Is it because they read the original article and thought 'makes sense to me'? Perhaps they thought the Alan Partridge stuff was a drama documentary about the exciting life of a major celebrity.)
Benulek
Comment No. 707710 July 18 20:02 POL whathavetheydone- you forgot one key plank of the manifesto:
'Teams of vandals must set about parking meters to ensure free parking for all cars unable to find an underground spot.'
LondonFido
Comment No. 707723 July 18 20:10 GBR whathavetheydone - and another
"Monthly lottery for all those using electric cars in the capital."
Fagin
Comment No. 707731 July 18 20:13 GBR I think Ian McKellon, playing the role of Magneto, should be appointed mayor of London.
He'd need to be followed about by teams of cranes so they could simulate his ability to pick up cars and throw them about, but the expense would surely be worth it for the sake of the spectacle.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 707737 July 18 20:16 GBR "Well, this seems to be having a longer run than Oscar Wilde: The Musical."
Which is very very funny.
Beneluk and LondonFido... good point.
What else would he, could he add?
bluetuliproseread
Comment No. 707741 July 18 20:19 GBR You know the scene from The Silence of the Lambs? The one were the serial killer dons a coat of skin, dances in the mirror whilst tucking his bits between his legs?
Mr Mike Read does that for me.
I'm hoping Kinder will try it now - you up for it mate?
jcf2405
Comment No. 707749 July 18 20:21 GBR Best CiF I've ever seen, a real treat Mike, thanks.
misharialadwani
Comment No. 707784 July 18 20:37 GBR From The Book Of No-Job
And in those days,a mighty man came and dwelt amongst the tents of the Ing-lish.And the Ing-lish spake amongst themselves saying,"He is Mike son of Read of the issue of Radio1." And Mike son of Read walked amongst the Ing-lish spake to them saying,"No more bendy buses.underground parking is feasible." And the Ing-lish were sore amazed and said,"Truly,these are words of power,for we have not a clue what they meaneth." The Queen in those days was Lilli-Bet of the issue of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha,and Mike son of Read was summoned before the Queen,who spake to him thus,"You spake strange words of the bus that is bendy and the parking that is underground.Art thou a sorcerer? And Mike son of Read answered,saying"I have spake with the father of Boris and many influential people.It is feasible."And the Queen was sore vexed and waxed wrath,saying,"Your words are sweet like honey yet they stingeth like an adder.Get ye hence,for I shall cast ye into the outer darkness where there is a wailing and a gnashing of teeth and where the awful Toyn-Bee lurks with razor tooth and needle claw to rend you." And Mike son of Read was cast down and his heart was in the dust and he spake thus,"You cannot be serious,mate,it's feasible."But the Ing-lish turned their faces from him and heard him not and he was cast into the outer darkness that is called in the Laborite tongue,CiF,that is,The Place Of Perpetual Humiliation.And so ended the days of Mike son of Read of the issue of Radio1.Selah.
Benulek
Comment No. 707800 July 18 20:42 POL I think the campaign also needs a motto. Something that captures the sense of dynamism tempered with prudency that pervades so much of Mike's campaign material.
How about:
'Ready to go! ... if it's feasible.'
davidabsalom
Comment No. 707809 July 18 20:48 GBR I've got a great idea: if Mike Read won't stand, let's get him drafted.
We could start up one of those e-petitions (http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/) asking that he be given power over London. If this thread is anything to go by, there must be loads of people out there who would support that, particularly amongst those of us who don't live in London.
deb1
Comment No. 707821 July 18 20:54 GBR Satire is not dead. (profound stuff)
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 707824 July 18 20:56 GBR @misharialadwani - spooky... did you actually write the bible?
@Beneluk - excellent! Perhaps a series of slogans, each ending with "it's feasible!"
@davidabsalom - cool idea.
Stumpysheep
Comment No. 707825 July 18 20:56 GBR 529 posts must be going on for the most commented on CiF blog ever and the links on the main pages seem to have disappeared.
Shurely shome mishtake?
Wailofatime and Moook - thanks :-) I was having a really don't give a damn about work day, had a nice pint though.
notmelphilips
Comment No. 707827 July 18 20:56 GBR Whathavetheydone:
A plausible manifesto, perhaps - but is it a blueprint? I have my doubts. To be absolutely honest I think we should go back to Mike himself (Himself!) before we can endorse this, hey admittedly commonsensical, package.
Bluetuliproseread (19.17):
You are a fickle Jezebel, do you hear me? A fickle Jezebel!
But Marat, really this wins the prize:
"Polish thy bike"
Human civilization, having evolved to this one perfect point must now decay and die.
Javery
Comment No. 707890 July 18 21:25 GBR This post has kept me going for 2 days now. Absolutely brilliant, funny and witty. This could be the next Bridget Jones phenomena! The Guardian would be mad to turn it off now. Even if the original piece is a spoof (surely it must be?) it is so bad it's brilliant. Can't wait for the next Bridget J/Mike R contribution.
ANin
Comment No. 707894 July 18 21:27 GBR @notmelphilips quite right
Marat brilliant post
drbendyspoogun
Comment No. 707897 July 18 21:28 GBR Mike Read Revelations: Chapter 9
The Fifth angel sounded, and i saw a star in grey chinos and slip on shoes which had fallen to the earth, to key to the BBC archive was given to him. (it is feasible)
He opened the archive and smoke wet up out of it, like the smoke on the water from Deep purple, the sun and the air were darkened because of the sound of 'relax'
Then out of the smoke came forth terrible terrible musicals, the power was given to them, as the tennis championship had been given to Mike (in two counties!!)
They were given power not to kill them but to torment them for five hours on the L word, their torment was like a repressed homosexual in a cub scout meeting.
In those days people will seek death, and will in no way find it, they will desire to die but death will flee from them,
By these three plagues were one third of mankind killed: by the underground car parks, the bendy buses, and the sulfur, which proceeded out of the crew's mouths
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 707965 July 18 22:05 GBR @notmelphilips:
"A plausible manifesto, perhaps - but is it a blueprint? I have my doubts. To be absolutely honest I think we should go back to Mike himself (Himself!) before we can endorse this, hey admittedly commonsensical, package."
Did Jesus write the bible? Nay! It is for Mike's disciples to interpret his teachings and to set them forth in a feasible manifesto!
Haigin88
Comment No. 707971 July 18 22:06 GBR "I've had discussions with the Football Association who are behind my London Schools FA Cup idea. Several professional footballers have agreed to be ambassadors..."
My guess is that one of the "several" players who agreed to Mike's proposal was Thierry Henry: "Yeah, Mike!...Absolutely!...Great idea!...I couldn't agree more!...You can count me in, for sure!..." as he hightails it down the driveway of his house, jumps in an awaiting taxi, heads for the airport, leaving England behind for good.
Trilobyte
Comment No. 707990 July 18 22:15 GBR I have just snorted beer down my nose. THanks to everyone for having restored my faith in human nature.
539th post, or so it would seem? Must be getting close to a record-maybe the moderator could check and get back to us?
Neilyneil
Comment No. 708014 July 18 22:21 GBR "NeilyNeil (Kneelykneel, surely?): "... being spanked inna public school stylee on the bottom with a dead badger". Oh my gawd, you went to Harrow, didn't you? "
Banged to rights. I went there once on the Metropolitan line. The metropolitan line rules. It's got sofas.
You know, Boris and Mikes "vision" of a new london does sound an awful lot like the one occupied by Captain Scarlett. Maybe they'll have a big spiral tower for cars as well.
I wonder which one of them on a regular basis hears the voice of the Mysterons?
misharialadwani
Comment No. 708065 July 18 22:41 GBR I can't believe I didn't see it sooner,it's so bleeding obvious..Mike's campaign song has to be The Jam's "Going Underground".Why ?..you know why..yes you do..don't be coy..say it..because it's...what ?...louder..no,louder..you know you want to..BECAUSE IT'S FEASIBLE..hooray. Curious that Mike doesn't respond,what with his decision to go for "...people not politics." Yeah,sure,Mike.What are we,chopped liver ?
Catch22
Comment No. 708104 July 18 22:58 GBR Hello, glad you're all still here and assorted fplk like me are back from the pub.
Anyway, looking closer at Mike's photo I'm getting a little freaked out as he bears a kind of strange similarity to my Mum!
And no it is NOT feasible.
C21Potlatch
Comment No. 708107 July 18 22:59 GBR Even more curious when the following statement, quoted on the BBC News website, is taken into consideration:
"I am not a political animal as such. I am not steeped in politics but I am steeped, hopefully, in a bit of wisdom and a bit of common sense and I have an ability to communicate with people."
Dromedary
Comment No. 708115 July 18 23:04 GBR I've read all 550 comments on this board and its amazes me that you all have nothing better to do than kick a man when he's down and then congratulate each other on how hilarious you are.
Some of Mr Read's ideas may appear ill-thought, but at least he's not afraid to stand up and say what he believes in. How many of you can say the same ? Who's going to bother to express their views in future if they get pulled apart by a gang of lefties with sixth-form views. Anyone heard of constructive criticism ?
TedMaul2007
Comment No. 708119 July 18 23:06 GBR Whateva u r all HATERZ n JEALUS! Mike Read is teh coolest 4eva n u r all LOOZAS! He has got in there with my "gang" or "crew" as they prefer to be known.
Wintermute2012
Comment No. 708147 July 18 23:21 GBR So many comments I can't be bothered reading them all so this may have already have come up. But I can't help but think of Tommy Vance on Brass Eye.
[Paraphrasing] "If you're watching this you're in jail. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Now you have to watch this while I enjoy this nice pint of bitter (drinks some bitter)."
As numerous people have mentioned, suggesting that today's yoof can only aspire to celebrity is pretty horrific. Who will make my Big Macs?
deepblue
Comment No. 708151 July 18 23:22 FRA dromedary
Why do we have to keep on repeating this?
He left himself wide open to ridicule because his blog is not only total and complete drivel but total and complete drivel written by someone who seems to be self delusional.
Have you read it?
Nobody in their right mind could possibly think that it qualified for serious critism.
oldyfoldy
Comment No. 708155 July 18 23:24 GBR Dromedary you must have been asleep when great My Creed for he is god, was giving out a sense of humour to mankind. My eyes are puffy from tears of laughter and my cheeks are streaked with mascara.
Folks you can't stop now. And a note to The Guardian: this needs compliling into a book. I'd buy it even though I've read every post. Twice. Or more in the case of the 10 commandments and I'm still laughing.
BearintheWoods
Comment No. 708160 July 18 23:26 GBR Relax,dromedary. It's not as if Mike Read is a real person. Current odds are Chris Morris Evens Alan Partridge 2/1 Catch 22's mum 5/2 Bar these 3 5/1
chekhov
Comment No. 708188 July 18 23:42 GBR Dromedary: There are plenty of people who express their views on this blog and have the gumption to defend them if they are challenged. The fact that Mike Read has chosen not to defend his ideas speaks volumes about either 1: his inept ability to do so or 2: that his post really is a "ghost written" spoof.
misharialadwani
Comment No. 708190 July 18 23:42 GBR The girlfriend and the cat are demanding my attention,so I must reluctantly tear myself away from what has been the most enjoyable thread I've ever participated in on CiF..Thanks to everyone..For the first time I leave CiF feeling lighter and with a smile on my face..will check in the morning..what do you think,gang..er,sorry,crew..go for a thousand..will they let us ? Here's hoping.Goodnight all.I salute you.
Salzburger
Comment No. 708204 July 18 23:49 CHE I know it's been said a hundred times above, but I just want to add that this is definitely the funniest thing I have read in years. I even feel a little bit sorry for him, but not that much, obviously.
I can see this running for days.
drbendyspoogun
Comment No. 708241 July 19 0:09 GBR 'I have nothing to declare but my blueprints of underground car parks'
The best line in his Oscar Wilde musical.
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 708244 July 19 0:10 GBR I love each and every one of you guys - even the dissenting voices. Verily this is a pop-culture phenomenon in the making.
However, perhaps Mike has been a victim of false guidance? Maybe when he was on the phone to these developers, they told him that his underground car parking idea was "risible", and he misheard them?
Alternatively, maybe the developer he refers to is in fact the bloke behind the counter of his local branch of SupaSnaps.
Also, given Mike's list of "collaborators", I'm thinking that the footballers he's got on board could include George Best and Billy Bremner...
Marat
Comment No. 708250 July 19 0:14 GBR The Our Bozzer
Our Bozzer Who art in Henley Harrowed be thy mane Thy Kendom come Thy will be done, in Penge as it is in Henley
Give us this day our Mailey cred And forgive us our bus passes as we forgive those bendybusses Read is not in front, he is behind you But believe me it is feesable
For thine is the Kendom, the Guppy and the Tory For Allegra and Petronella
Camera on
chekhov
Comment No. 708280 July 19 0:35 GBR Dromedary: When did you have the "sense of humour bypass" operation? Or did you always cry at the injustice of Oliver Hardy getting lamped on the head by a plank of wood in the hands of his oppo, Stan Laurel?
Stumpysheep
Comment No. 708287 July 19 0:41 GBR >Some of Mr Read's ideas may appear ill-thought, but at least >he's not afraid to stand up and say what he believes in. How >many of you can say the same ?
Dromedary: I was a candidate in the local elections, as was at least one other person on this thread. I know twaddle I read it :P
Vote Sian Berry!
Notgullible
Comment No. 708289 July 19 0:43 GBR When Henry Kissinger won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1973, the distinguished musical satirist Tom Lehrer decided that he could no longer perform. "It was at that moment that satire died," says Lehrer, "There was nothing more to say after that."
There is a danger here that the Mike Read 2007 'London Mayoral Situation' manifesto (My Creed) is of such mind-blowing beauty, quality and perfection, in its own way, that it will cause the distinguished Craig Brown to hang up his laptop.
prisonplanet
Comment No. 708323 July 19 1:04 GBR Improve the life of Londoners?
When the system is rotten to the core doesn't make a jot of a difference what clown you put on top, they all serve the same scum inbreds at the top and give us the pretence of fair use of our money.
Haigin88
Comment No. 708333 July 19 1:10 GBR "I've read all 550 comments on this board and its amazes me that you all have nothing better to do than kick a man when he's down..."
Whereas your, no doubt packed, social diary still seems to leave you the free time to sadomasochistically read *550* posts. Who's using their free time to better effect?
@Wintermute2012 Hats off to you. Every day's a good day for a 'Brass Eye' reference. Recourse to my copy of the series has given me the quote: "Well they gotcha, then! They "gone 'n' banged you up, good and proper". So what now? What I'd like to do right now is to take your bad half outside and do it an extremely physical discourtesy and then buy your good half a pint of foaming, nut brown ale. Cheers!".
I can see them now; Mike and Boris slowly high-stepping their way down along the banks of the Thames, Ted Maul style, to their campaign theme song: 'Wind Of Change' by The Scorpions.
TimFootman
Comment No. 708412 July 19 2:44 THA I for one am disappointed that Mike Read has withdrawn his appendage from the ring, as it were. But be of good cheer - there are many in his crew (Tha Former Radio One DJs Who Were A Bit Dull And Didn't Have A Proper Nickname Or A Memorable Jingle Massive, Izzit?) who stand on guard to fill his space.
Let's hear it for Richard Skinner! Paul Burnett! Mark Goodier! Tom Browne! All good sensible chaps in acrylic v-neck pullovers who'd be happy to play 'Mr Blue Sky' when the weather was a bit horrid.
Incidentally, what's Diddy David Hamilton doing these days?
davidabsalom
Comment No. 708551 July 19 6:44 GBR dromedary:
"I've read all 550 comments on this board and its amazes me that you all have nothing better to do than kick a man when he's down..."
How dare you suggest Mike Read is down. He's magnanamously gifted the mayorship to Boris and given him a blueprint of policies that should see London's profile raised to that of a major world city.
Horseybutnottory
Comment No. 708556 July 19 6:49 BEL After much considered deliberation I have reluctantly decided that I too will not be standing for the mayoral situation. I am eminently suited to the said situation since like Boris my father is charming, I am blonde and scatty, but I feel I must stand aside for an eminently more suitable candidate.
I'm backing the Tour de France Labrador. He has been actively involved in tackling congestion, particularly those annoying cyclists that tend to get in bike lanes interrupting our parking.
Labrador's are tough on crime and postal workers and could quite easily cover a tube exit if asked.
I've discussed this with other dogs in my crew and they are fully behind the labrador. What's more he buries his bones underground because his instinct tells him it's feasible.
coverpoint
Comment No. 708579 July 19 7:23 "resulting in many people in the party urging me forward"
presumably whilst standing on the edge of a Cliff?
Now, now at the back, no sniggering!
CheeseBikini
Comment No. 708582 July 19 7:31 LUX Our Father, Who art feasible, Hallowed be thy capital, Thy mayorhood comes, By telephone vote, on TV as it was on Superstore, Give us this day an airtight tube network, And forgive broken meters, as we forgive those who use the bus lane, Lead our crews not into bendy buses, But deliver us the blueprint, For thine is City Hall, the FA Schools Cup, and the monthly raffle, For four more years, Amen
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 708583 July 19 7:31 GBR ">Some of Mr Read's ideas may appear ill-thought, but at least >he's not afraid to stand up and say what he believes in. How >many of you can say the same ?
Dromedary: I was a candidate in the local elections, as was at least one other person on this thread. I know twaddle I read it :P "
Yep, me too (couple of years ago now) and in the real world I often stand up and say what I believe.
Can those lofty individuals who would rather we enter into serious and indepth analysis of 'My Creed' (I like that) get the ball rolling by actually posting a defence of what Big Mike has said? I'd be fascinated to read a credible defence for what is, essentially, a poorly written load of ill-informed pub-drivel.
ColdGlassEye
Comment No. 708592 July 19 7:39 GBR I have a job interview this morning, which is definitely going to contain the word "feasible". The only danger is I may start laughing.
So, Mr Reid, if I don't get this job, I'm coming for you. I don't care if you're parked underground or driving down a bus lane: your days will be numbered.
The rest of you (bar three or four humourless numpties) are brilliant. Thank you all.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 708610 July 19 8:01 GBR The Mike Read entry on Wikipedia is amusing, if only because it's there...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Read#Political_ambitions
SlideshowRod
Comment No. 708639 July 19 8:21 FRA Totally unrelated, but here's another one for fans of the 'CIF Kicking'. http://commentisfree.guardian.co.uk/anna_coote/2007/05/healthy_attitude_to_politics.html
PrawnTot
Comment No. 708662 July 19 8:37 GBR I know it's only day three so it's a bit premature of me but I can't help thinking that one thousand years from now people will still be posting to this blog and pissing themselves laughing. It is feasible.
Neilyneil
Comment No. 708665 July 19 8:39 GBR Dromedary "Anyone heard of constructive criticism ?"
Oh alright then. Mike Read not standing for Mayor is a Really Good Idea. Perhaps Boris will follow his example.
Also, "Nurse! me go plop plop "
Hope this helps
hairymary
Comment No. 708724 July 19 9:23 GBR Hi genuine Mike fans, Mike is on the radio RIGHT NOW, please help make his day by sending him a message of support. Contact details for the studio are on the EPG caption at Sky Channel 0190.
Bitter lefty salad-munchers need NOT apply!
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 708734 July 19 9:26 GBR I think perhaps it's time this thread went underground... it is feasible.
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 708735 July 19 9:26 GBR Crikey - they usually shut the threads after three days. Come on, ladies and gents - time for a big old push to fully cement this as the most prolific CiF ever! Chock full of constructive criticism, so it is. I don't know how anyone else can claim otherwise.
Just reading it over again, how do you raise the profile of London? It's one of the centres of the Western world. I think Mike and Boris should apply their considerable talent to raising the profile of Slough, say, or Droitwich.
They could float them on the Thames, perhaps. Or put them underground. Put all of Slough underground. I've spoken to Timmy Mallet and it's feasible...
JohnAckers
Comment No. 708739 July 19 9:27 GBR I have the impression that people that work in the entertainment business are obsessed with the congestion charge (and having to pay it) and parking. They don't seem to realise that the rest of us travel on public transport and are happy to see public transport subsidised.
Kinder
Comment No. 708743 July 19 9:30 GBR chekhov: "Dromedary: When did you have the "sense of humour bypass" operation?"
And so they drone on... There is nothing duller than a bunch of twats laughing endlessly at each other's identical jokes.
Hang on though - oh no, what have I done? I've just realised that I've opened myself up to the rapier-like wit of a thousand comic "geniuses" (a much used word in this collective self-loveathon). Oh no, you're all going to respond with something incredibly witty, along the lines of: "Oh yes there is something duller, there's a boring twat like you with a 'humour bypass'.."?
Help, I'm not sure I can take the pain of so much wit in such a confined space.
CheeseBikini
Comment No. 708765 July 19 9:40 LUX Kinder,
You wouldn't know wit if it came up to you dressed as an underground car park attendant wearing a Mike Read mask and tossing out blue rosettes while singing "It's feasible that I could be a Londoner............."
BrianGriffen
Comment No. 708775 July 19 9:42 GBR Kinder, your heroic stance against the tide makes me want to touch you. And not in a non-sexual way.
InternetFact
Comment No. 708792 July 19 9:49 GBR I don't understand why Mike has limited his parking solutions to operating in just 3 dimensions. If he extended these plans into other dimensions he could store the cars elsewhere and use the underground car parking network as a holding pen for those pesky antisocial rapists.
I've spoken to Stephen Hawking about this, and it is -inevitably - feasible.
BrianGriffen
Comment No. 708798 July 19 9:51 GBR Some credit to Read, he's currently playing the Specials on Fab FM - sorry - BigL Radio.
It is their tirade against single mothers though (Too Much Too Young) so a pretty conservative sentiment.
TimothyMallett
Comment No. 708800 July 19 9:52 GBR To be fair to you, Kinder, all humour bypasses are now being constructed, feasibly, underground. And they're protected by hordes of rabid tube mares.
SlideshowRod
Comment No. 708821 July 19 10:01 FRA Thanks everyone, it's been emotional. Though my productivity at work over the last two days has gravely suffered as a result of this thread. Still, it should be feasible to get it back to normal levels...
hairymary
Comment No. 708822 July 19 10:02 GBR BigL is Frinton's fastest-growing radio station and Mike has just referred to this chatterboard on-air and I can tell you it was obvious he COULDN'T CARE LESS what you Guardian haters think about him. Support Mike NOW by tuning to BigL on the Internet or Sky 0190.
zangdook
Comment No. 708825 July 19 10:03 GBR Kinder -"There is nothing duller than a bunch of twats laughing endlessly at each other's identical jokes. "
Yes there is; someone hanging around on the edges of a bunch of twats, complaining repreatedly about their unfunny jokes but not having anywhere else to go or anything better to do.
BrianGriffen
Comment No. 708870 July 19 10:13 GBR hairymary
you are either:
a) Blue Tulip Rose Read b) Mike Read's producer at Fab FM c) Mike Read
I hope to Jesus it isn't c.
drbendyspoogun
Comment No. 708873 July 19 10:13 GBR 'The mike will inherit the earth'
provincialboyo
Comment No. 708874 July 19 10:14 GBR How about Mike's London laureat being another great Tory Mike, the Battmeister:
"Underground, overground, car parking's free..."
Unfeasable?
Wolfieman
Comment No. 708877 July 19 10:14 GBR New catchphrase at work:
"I've looked into it, and it is feasible"
Bless you and your massive ego Mr Read.
PS He was only born in Manchester, please don't associate him with our city...please!
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 708897 July 19 10:21 GBR "BigL is Frinton's fastest-growing radio station"
The Chorley FM imagery conjured up by that statement made me douse my keyboard in coffee. Thanks for that. I think you're in the wrong place to be gathering support for Creedy.
Are you one of the disciples? A fisher of Thames, so to speak?
"Support Mike NOW by tuning to BigL"
No.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 708916 July 19 10:27 GBR Kinder, like I said, if you can actually defend Read, please give it a try. If not, why are you reading this? Why spend your waking hours reading unfunny posts on the Guardian website??
On another note... i couldn't resist asking someone in an email to come up with 'feasible alternatives'... made me laugh, eh Kinder.
It occured to me though, is Mike Read a resident of Wimbledon Common? "underground, overground, wombling free..." It is feasible (yep, there's me laughing at the repetition of the same old sad joke... oh well).
Just to add credence to Kinder's remark about this being a loveathon (which sounds quite appealing)... I love you all, you're all geniuses... and this is quite feasibly the best fun I've had on CiF.
scoutzed
Comment No. 708920 July 19 10:28 GBR Dear hairy mary, Thanks for the little plug about the radio station and the use of UPPER CASE LETTERS. Please stop shouting at us and go and have a cup of tea and a biscuit NOW.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 708924 July 19 10:29 GBR Kinder, like I said, if you can actually defend Read, please give it a try. If not, why are you reading this? Why spend your waking hours reading unfunny posts on the Guardian website??
On another note... i couldn't resist asking someone in an email to come up with 'feasible alternatives'... made me laugh, eh Kinder.
It occured to me though, is Mike Read a resident of Wimbledon Common? "underground, overground, wombling free..." It is feasible (yep, there's me laughing at the repetition of the same old sad joke... oh well).
Just to add credence to Kinder's remark about this being a loveathon (which sounds quite appealing)... I love you all, you're all geniuses... and this is quite feasibly the best fun I've had on CiF.
BearintheWoods
Comment No. 708937 July 19 10:32 GBR Kinder "And so they drone on... There is nothing duller than a bunch of twats laughing endlessly at each other's identical jokes.
Hang on though - oh no, what have I done? I've just realised that I've opened myself up to the rapier-like wit of a thousand comic "geniuses" (a much used word in this collective self-loveathon). Oh no, you're all going to respond with something incredibly witty, along the lines of: "Oh yes there is something duller, there's a boring twat like you with a 'humour bypass'.."?
Help, I'm not sure I can take the pain of so much wit in such a confined space."
Why so bitter? Have you actually read the postings? We love Mike Read! He has increased the gaiety of nations, brightened the working day of many, and introduced the word "feasible" to a wider audience. The only downside is reduced productivity in assorted workplaces (including mine). But the bailiffs are not yet at the door, life goes on and the congestion charge is still being administered. Who knows but a traffic warden somewhere may be planning how best to reward a hard-working motorist. Peace, love and thanks to everyone.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 708938 July 19 10:32 GBR I always thought Wikipedia was inaccurate... but it now says: "His announcement on July 17, 2007 in The Guardian newspaper that he will not run, and will instead support Boris Johnson, was the subject of ridicule by those who commented on the article. "
It also says: "However, he has since reconsidered, having realised that whereas before he thought the idea was feasible, he now believes it is more feasible for the entirely infeasible Boris Johnson to handle the mayoral situation."
Which is kind of true.
Insidian
Comment No. 708940 July 19 10:32 GBR Told myself I wouldn't post on here today, no matter how tempting - move on, I thought, lest enforced withdrawal (when CIF closes the thread) should prove unecessarily painful. But: "Frinton's fastest-growing radio station "?
Talk about damnation by faint praise.
ErikD
Comment No. 708943 July 19 10:34 DNK Phew! I guess us murderous paedophile rapists can breathe a little easier now.
isitjustmeor
Comment No. 708945 July 19 10:34 GBR please stop. I've just spent over half an hour crying with laughter and I've got to get on with some work.
dite
Comment No. 708967 July 19 10:43 GBR I was interested to read in Mike's profile that he is the author of 35 books, so had a look in Amazon to get an idea of what he has produced.
It's a mixed bag, but among his output is a biography of Rupert Brooke. Isn't there another Tory ex-London Mayor wannabe with a connection to Brooke?
I remember hearing Archer being interviewed on radio when he was considering going for the post of Mayor. The most ridiculous proposal he had was to increase the number of hours of sunshine in London! This was to be done by breaking away from the restrictions of the timekeeping system imposed by the tyrannical farmers of Scotland. Jeffrey didn't seem to understand that, regardless of whatever time system used, there was still a finite number of hours of daylight in any one day.
To change this would, of course, require a greater power. But I've been wondering since reading this blog if this idea could now be considered...feasible?
Fagin
Comment No. 708969 July 19 10:43 GBR Ok, how about instead of 'Magneto', how about 'Mikereado'? His super powers include not being able to tolerate homosexual music on his play lists and the power to construct building underground, where feasible.
drbendyspoogun
Comment No. 708977 July 19 10:46 GBR Oh god, here is the tube sealer's reaction to a bad review, this man has no shame...........
"Every time Charles Dickens published something, The Times shredded him," he said, adding hastily. "I'm not likening myself to Dickens, but they said it was trashy stuff and, now, people refer to the period as Dickensian."
deb1
Comment No. 708979 July 19 10:47 GBR Mike "Nicey" you've been set up.
When Cameron said "Go on Mike, that's a great article, offer it to the Guardian Cif"
He was really saying "Go on you idiot, put this out and Boris morphs into "able and competent".
How does it feel to be a mud splattered proxy?
(Probably need to reign in my tendency towards the conspirational - well, it's another comment on the road to 1K)
CheeseBikini
Comment No. 708987 July 19 10:48 LUX I don't understand what Mike has against "Bendy Bullys", would he have the contestants go back to Sheffield with just a tankard ?
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 709005 July 19 10:55 GBR "I don't understand what Mike has against "Bendy Bullys", would he have the contestants go back to Sheffield with just a tankard ?"
We've had a lovely time running for mayor, Jim, but we're going to let Boris have a go. Can we have our bendy bus fare home?
zangdook
Comment No. 709014 July 19 10:58 GBR Speaking of Archer, he was on the today programme this morning, talking about the Happy Rotter. They just called him 'Jeffrey Archer', no mention of Lord. I thought he was in outer darkness, though. Mind you, I thought 4 years was way OTT. Anyone listening to Mr Tulip on the radio this morning? Has he said anything about Boris and the mayor situation? Or CiF?
PatrickBateman
Comment No. 709025 July 19 11:02 GBR I am proud to announce that I have decided not to shag Scarlett Johansson today.
Great baps, mate.
Kinder
Comment No. 709031 July 19 11:04 GBR Don't worry, I'll stop after this one, so don't bother to send more ugly abuse in response.
Just find it enlightening that if anyone has the cheek (ooh Matron, "cheek" eh! there's a prompt for a further deluge of wit!) to disagree with a bunch of Guardian bloggers in full smug self-congratulation mode, you are either accused of lack of humour (you don't know that CheeseBikini, I just don't find you very funny, sorry), or abused (various, too boring to mention), or (unbelievably) propositioned (various, ditto - but BrianMcPhee or whatever your name is, I think your blog would be called "grooming" in another context).
Cheerio, have fun!
SirJonDanger0us
Comment No. 709048 July 19 11:11 GBR I just remembered, didn't he form a band with Cheggers? I think they were called Brown Sauce.
Or did I dream it? It's feasible I suppose.
Mike, I think you may be about to disappear up your own anal situation.
hairymary
Comment No. 709053 July 19 11:13 GBR No Brian, I am not Mike Read nor unfortunately do I have any connection with him other than as just one of millions of fans.
Scoutz, thanks but I DON'T LIKE BISCUITS.
How many of you haters have held the nation in the palm of your hand on the world's biggest Breakfast Show?
misharialadwani
Comment No. 709064 July 19 11:15 GBR What,pray tell,is "Frinton"? I must assume it's a place,but as a fairly typical Londoner,if it's not on the Tube,it might as well be Ultima Thule..so it's come to this,eh,Mike,?How the not-actually-mighty are fallen.Radio Frinton..oh,dear.I see that some nit-wit accuses us of kicking Mike when he's down..eh? I'm frankly baffled by this...down how,exactly?..emotionally down ? explanation please. I'll try to explain,(sigh),so that even the meanest intelligence can grasp it. Mike Read is a monster of self-absorption,a vain,vapid simpleton.That he seriously imagined himself to be a viable candidate for Mayor speaks volumes for his disconnection from reality.As amusing as it's all been,(and it has been VERY amusing),I was offended by this oleaginous dim-wit thinking we were so stupid as to be taken in by him and his co-buffoon,Boris the Bimbo.Ergo,the extended and richly deserved kicking.If he wasn't such a coward and a cretin,he'd be defending himself.After all,he said he wanted to make it about "..people and not politics."Of course,he followed that assertion by then stating that he'd spent 6 months hanging around Westminster.The moron. The trouble is,the moment Read exposed himself to real people,as opposed to Tory politicos,hangers-on and boot-lickers,he got a royal pasting.I might respect his,ahem,"views",a bit more,(I couldn't respect them less),if he had the balls to actually engage with us,you know,people,Londoners,those he needs to convince.Speaking to Boris's father is quite enough,I'm afraid. Now Radio Frinton..that's definitely feasible.
englandismdotcom
Comment No. 709069 July 19 11:18 GBR Is this the Sargasso Sea of the Interweb? Will it ever close, will we ever escape?
I have met Simon Bates and can confirm that he likes cavediving and his own bottom is his venue of choice. Mike Read drove past me at Shepton Mallet showground once. Or Shepton Mullet in his case.
TimothyMallett
Comment No. 709073 July 19 11:19 GBR A little pretentious, methinks, to describe your posts as "disagreement". More "leave him alone, children" than a reasoned disagreement as to why the statements of Mike (hallowed be his entirely feasible hair) are *not* ridiculous.
scoutzed
Comment No. 709085 July 19 11:23 GBR "How many of you haters have held the nation in the palm of your hand on the world's biggest Breakfast Show?"
Can of worms, hairy mary, can of worms.
sergeantfox
Comment No. 709089 July 19 11:24 GBR Aw, Kinder's left. Now that's a surprise.
JeffreyArcher
Comment No. 709098 July 19 11:25 I've known Mike Reid for many years and consider him a really decent human being and a great mate. Like many people in the entertainment and music industries I respect the unpaid work he does for many organisations and children - especially as he sets such a fine example of the dangers of hard drug abuse.
Most of the moaners here aren't even able to spell his name right, while denying Mike his right to express his political opinion. Of course, that's only because Mike is supporting a Conservative candidate. If he was supporting a 'hard left' candidate like 'Red Ken', then you internet people would be all for him. But I think you'll find that many in the 'Hard Rock' world think like Mike and concur with his views. I know I do, and I'll be backing Boris. Furthermore, I know that if the late, great, Freddy Mercury would also be right behind Boris,if he were alive to do so.
Rock On, Mike!
5ChineseCrackers
Comment No. 709102 July 19 11:28 GBR Thank you very much people. I've laughed even more than I do when I look in the comments at the Express site. Difference is I'm laughing *at* that bunch of goons, like a Dickensian visiting a mental home.
The dissenters make it all even more tragic. Like watching a comedian die on his arse while one bloke at the back claps.
drbendyspoogun
Comment No. 709104 July 19 11:31 GBR "Meet me at the rock show" Mike enthused down his snoopy phone, "me and the rockola's are going to play so hard in Frinton that the underground parking attendant's ears are going to bleed" Mike was once again in a dank motel room, his soundtrack was the passing of white Bedford vans looking for bad childhoods. He knew he was finished but as long as he had the talking clock at the end of the phone he was still alive. Mike replaced the hand set, he took a shard of Frankie goes to hollywood's relax shellac and etched a swastika into his arm, he bled, it was feasible.
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 709108 July 19 11:32 GBR @ misharialadwani: I like you a lot, sir. Frinton is a (very) small town on the East coast noted for being one of the most staunchly conservative places in the country. By way of illustration, according to the Wikipedia, its first chippy opened in 1992 to howls of dissent.
@ hairymary: Millions of fans? Really? Frinton, as explained above, really is a very small town. As for holding things in the palm of his hand - that's just asking for innuendo.
@ kinder: You seem to be the least engaging person on this thread, with your poor critique and somewhat churlish manner.
"Do something real" - I'm a medical researcher. I work long hours for low pay doing something that I believe in. I think I can take 15 minutes out my day for a bit of levity, having a go at a pompous anachronism who thinks he is better than the lot of us put together. I know you'll be back to read this, as you strike me as the kind of person who won't be able to help himself.
CheeseBikini
Comment No. 709110 July 19 11:33 LUX No need to apologise, Kinder, old bean, you cab rest assured that whether you find me funny or not is of even less consequence to me than the tube sealer's blueprint for a London Schools FA Cup
Beermonger
Comment No. 709122 July 19 11:37 LUX JeffreyArcher,
As we all know, death is no barrier to collaboration with Mike Read, I look forward to Freddie's input after the "Glorious Revolution (45rpm)"
Catch22
Comment No. 709123 July 19 11:37 GBR hairymary: "How many of you haters have held the nation in the palm of your hand on the world's biggest Breakfast Show?"
Ok this hairymary is definitely a joke. Benulek hasn't been around this morning. It is feasible.
DrNicksManifesto
Comment No. 709151 July 19 11:45 LUX It is quite feasible that "HairyMary" knows a great deal about "palm"
davidabsalom
Comment No. 709156 July 19 11:46 GBR HairyMary, Mike Read has us in the palm of his hand, just like in his glory days, and there's scarcely a poster on here who doesn't want to hear more of his common-sense, feasible ideas for improving the lives of Londoners. Please tell us the ones you most approve of.
japan
Comment No. 709157 July 19 11:47 GBR big L is here: http://www.bigl.co.uk/ listening to the feasible one as i type (he's playing belinda carlisle's "circle in the sand" just now) and guess what? someone who posted very early on is going to be very happy - i found diddy david hamilton - he's on big L too!!! oh joy - he's playing "the things we do for love" now - .... like walking in the rain and the snow and spounting crap to which everyone says "NO".... i could happily sit here and transcribe the whole rest of show for you, but i fear i need to wash some socks.
tune in, turn on, and drop off you chair laughing....
rmexico
Comment No. 709179 July 19 11:57 GBR Davidabsalom, if he can come out with more if this magic I back him for London laureate
misharialadwani
Comment No. 709190 July 19 12:00 GBR whathavetheydone-I just checked out the Wiki link you posted..I almost fell out of my chair laughing..most of the page is taken up by our 40 commandments ! ..It was you,wasn't it,you sly dog..bravo,compadre..Truly it is glad,glorious morning again and we have entered the sun-lit uplands.. JeffreyArcher-You are an unspeakably bad novelist,but you're right about the respect Mike enjoys in the rock community.I remember speaking to Genesis P.Orridge,founder of ArtNoiseTerrorists,Throbbing Gristle, years ago and he said,"You know,whenever I'm at an impasse,I think,'what would Mike Read do?'..and then I do the opposite." Truly Mike is a seminal figure,which is doubtless why Frinton,long known as a hot-bed of radical music and progressive politics has snagged him.Rock on,Mike(in a restrained and asexual way that is compatible with Conservative values,of course).
hairymary
Comment No. 709221 July 19 12:13 GBR How dare you Catch22, hairymary is not a "joke".
hairymary is a social anthropologist engaged in research to see how gullible some Guardian tribe members can be in the face of a little not-so-subtle irony.
mishariapadwani, are you drunk or is your keyboard malfunctioning?
Catch22
Comment No. 709232 July 19 12:15 GBR Damn you Japan, I am listening to BigL and verily it is an abomination. Did you catch the bit about Mike not much liking Japanese food. Not very PC is he, but then he is in Frinton.
I'm rocking out right now to Toploader. Naughty naughty Mike do you know that is a 'joint'. Anti-social material I'd say, anyone who smoke the forbidden weed should be sealed in tubes.
And now he just made a mistake, it is feasible I know, as a friend of mine at Bloomsbury noticed it was a rip-off of Austen too.
Anyway there is a way to contact Mike:
I sent him this little nugget:
Dear Mike Read,
I was very disappointed that you have dropped out of the mayoral race. This leaves me in a difficult situation as now I don't know who to vote for, you were my number one candidate.
I do hope you reconsider running for the Tory candidature, or perhaps you could seal your victory by running as an underground, independent candidate?
Whatever you choose to do know that the people of London seek a mayor who is interested in the issues of people and not politics. We need a mayor who can make this city great in the eyes of the world.
Mike remember running for mayor like everything your mother told you you could do and your many, many successes, is feasible.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 709247 July 19 12:21 GBR @Catch 22: please tell me you did actually send that...
@misharialadwani@ moi? Well, if it's on Wikipedia, it must be true.
PS. been having real trouble getting my posts to post this morning, so apologies in advance if all of a sudden there are five repetitions of the same post.
deb1
Comment No. 709248 July 19 12:22 GBR Just saw wikipedia and laughed my socks off!
...had a little bop in my blog chair listening to Mike on BigL. Now I'm feeling Groooooooovy....
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 709261 July 19 12:28 GBR The Wiki moderators haven't changed it, so they think his 'Top 40 Ten Commandents' is.... FEASIBLE!
InternetFact
Comment No. 709264 July 19 12:29 GBR Is the 3 day posting limit about to come into force? I hope not. It's been emotional, not to mention entirely feasible.
dite
Comment No. 709265 July 19 12:29 GBR I followed the YouTube links, posted yesterday, to the Blue Tulip Rose Read clips.
I must say that the drawing on the back of the envelope in http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3O0qvMqK51A is one of the worst cock'n'balls pictures I have ever seen...
CheeseBikini
Comment No. 709267 July 19 12:30 LUX Great speeches of our time :
"Line one of the blueprint for London will be a promise to hollow out vast swathes of London's bedrock. Feasibility, Feasibility, Feasibility. Then, now and in the future"
drbendyspoogun
Comment No. 709270 July 19 12:32 GBR I'm going to miss you lot, I just don't want it to end........we could always meet at his imdb message board, is that feasible?
notmelphilips
Comment No. 709284 July 19 12:39 GBR Interesting to see that the official London Theatre guide describes the doomed Oscar Wilde musical thus:
"Mike Read's musical charts this tragic descent from idolisation to isolation."
Is MR's life now mirroring his 'art'? It certainly sounds feasible.
I really do hope that this thread makes it to the 1000 before it closes and life returns to monochrome.
Parmesan
Comment No. 709290 July 19 12:41 GBR I would have thought that the easiest way to raise London's profile would be to jack up all the buildings and use all the spoil from the underground car park excavations to raise their foundations. I've discussed this with major developers and it's feasible. PS - Thanks for the Mr Porridge ref, misharialadwani.
coverpoint
Comment No. 709303 July 19 12:46 Very amusing ladies and gents.
Top marks!
Comment Is Feasible
misharialadwani
Comment No. 709323 July 19 12:56 GBR ItIsFeasible-Thanks for the Frinton info-So,Mike is peddling his Cliffology in a town that regarded a chippy as a dangerous innovation..well,a reactionary hack like Mike will fit right in."...smashing track,just lovely,it was,of course the poptastic Chalky Aftertaste and His Musical Poltroons playing their version of 'Who Put The Benzedrine In Mrs.Murphy's Ovaltine',coming up next,you asked for it and your gonna ged id,Cliff.doing 'Loose Sphincter Blues',so stay tuned to Fabulous Radio Frinton,where the future never happens.." whathavetheydone-Clearly,the Wiki moderators haven't removed the 40 Commandments because they're the only interesting entry.I expect Mike"Man Of The People"Read will demand it be removed soon,though,the humorless prick,so get it while it's hot,folks. hairymary-check your medication,kiddo,I think you've mixed it up with the cat's worming tablets.
Catch22
Comment No. 709337 July 19 13:00 GBR @whathavetheydone: Yes I jolly well did. I just hope he appreciates it? P'raps he may consider me for London Laureate? Something tells me that isn't feasible.
I am happy to announce that I have managed to get the phrase: 'It is feasible' into my PhD. As I continue to write I will try and get it in as much as possible. So never fear folks this thread may end but the words of our wise and venerated Mike will live on in the annals of history and will be found in the basement of the library at the School of Oriental and African Studies where now doubt they will be read by the masses.
Anyway we wipped Apu's animated arse.
davidabsalom
Comment No. 709344 July 19 13:03 GBR Surely we have another 24 hours before this thread is closed. I curse those hours I spent sleeping instead of contributing and helping us get to the magic 1000 mark.
paulhs
Comment No. 709373 July 19 13:09
Kinder, you make an excellent point about constructive criticism. Reading Mike's profile and also his article, may I make one suggestion to Mike Read:
Make sure to read more books than you write.
I've spoken with senior bookshop concerns and professional librarians, or Library technicians as they prefer to be called and, yes, you guessed it, it is feasible.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 709378 July 19 13:13 GBR "Comment is Feasible"... excellent.
Hang on... at the top of this page the article is timestamped 12:30pm, 17th! That means another day!
@CheeseBikini... love it.
Another great speech from Dr Mike Luther Read:
"I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a feasibility study. It is a feasibility study deeply rooted in the London dream.
I have a feasibility study that says one day this city will rise up and live out the true meaning of My Creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal - except gays, of course."
@Parmesan: like it.
rolleyes
Comment No. 709398 July 19 13:20 GBR "Feasible"? Are you sure they didn't say "risible", Mike?
Panthro83
Comment No. 709420 July 19 13:27 GBR This CIF thread just keeps getting better, I haven't laughed this much in a long time. And with Wikipedia, it's been immortalised with Mikes Top Commandments.
To everyone who's commented, I thank you.
RobinBrown
Comment No. 709427 July 19 13:28 HUN Mike Read is contributing to a profound new interpretation of politics for the new millennium that can be called 'Popyourlistism' where everything's feasable.
Apparently, Chavez has a show in Venezuela where the caudillo gets phome calls from peasants asking him to do something about the water system and then he just leaps in to action.
I suggest creating a Mayor TV station every Saturday morning where folks can ring in and ask questions or demand things get done.
Dear, Mike is it feasable if.. etc etc. Can we have the rock-olas in Trafalgar Square playing on a regular basis. David Essex to give free concerts in Hyde Park??
Make use of those spaces near the Thames by having wondering minstrels sing songs and read the poetry of the London laureate to inquisitive tourists from around the globe who will look with awe and wonder. More jugglers are circus clowns and bears around The Globe and throughout Southwark to create an authentic Olde England feel.
It can be done.
peteran
Comment No. 709443 July 19 13:33 FRA Frinton-on-Sea has long been associated with reactionary old has-beens. One famous graffito was written on a platform notice at a London railway station. The printed sign read 'Harwich for the Continent'. The addition read 'Frinton for the incontinent'.
Mwahaha
Comment No. 709444 July 19 13:34 GBR Blimey, that Limahl bird's really let herself go hasn't she?
Catch22
Comment No. 709450 July 19 13:34 GBR In the photo of Mike Read on his BigL profile
http://www.bigl.co.uk/djs-and-shows/mike-read
he looks feasibly like George Monbiot. I think its an attempt at greenwashing.
SirJonDanger0us
Comment No. 709463 July 19 13:39 GBR After discussion with influential and political figures (and Boris Johnson's charming father) I have decided to get in there with the kids.
I will be starting an update of the Sealed Knot Society, called the Sealed Miscreant Crew, dedicated to reenacting acts of persistent antisocial behaviour in the capital situation (until 2am only).
The blueprints are ready to go. I think we can do it. It's possible...manageable...you know, I'm sure there's another word I could use but I can't for the life of me put my finger on it.
MoLurgan
Comment No. 709472 July 19 13:41 GBR From Mr Read's entirely workable blueprint, "...encourage more of the colourful fabric of London to come through."
Novelty boxershorts as glimpsed through the seat of his threadbare troos?
TimFootman
Comment No. 709481 July 19 13:43 THA Mwahaha: Tea just shot out of my nose, you swine. If my keyboard is damaged, I know who to blame.
misharialadwani
Comment No. 709489 July 19 13:46 GBR Waiting For Reado By Samuel BackinBoris
A Howling wasteland.Two tramps,BORIS and DAVEO,sit under a tree.
BORIS:Is he coming ? DAVEO:Who ? BORIS:Reado. DAVEO:He said he would. BORIS:Yes. DAVEO:Yes BORIS:What's he like ? DAVEO:Who ? BORIS:Reado. DAVEO:He makes me hot yet at the same time,he leaves me cold. BORIS:Thermally,you're ambivalent. DAVEO:Yes. BORIS:Look..is that him ? DAVEO:It's a bendy bus.Reado won't be on that. BORIS:No DAVEO:No
...and so,interminably,on until the heat death of the Universe.
@Parmesan-You've clearly understood the feasible agenda. @RobinBrown-When you say "it can be done",what you mean,of course,is that it is,wait for it...feasible. @davidabsalom-I'm glad you've seen the error of your ways.Sleep is for weaklings.We must ensure that this becomes the Mother Of All Threads.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 709505 July 19 13:50 GBR BREAKING NEWS! Mike Read IS Eliot Ness! http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/e/eliotness179193.html
andrewthomas100
Comment No. 709514 July 19 13:52 GBR Kinder: "And similarly self-congratulatory remarks..... Oh how the smugness of Guardian bloggers beggars belief!"
Too right. Worst comments ever on a Cif thread.
What a bunch of witless morons.
LondonFido
Comment No. 709516 July 19 13:53 GBR I'm glad to see that the Writing Career section of Mike's Wikipedia entry has been updated to reflect his pioneering work on posthumous collaborations. It's only fair that this information gets to an audience wider than CiF.
BabsWindsor
Comment No. 709530 July 19 13:57 GBR I don't have the time or patience to read all of the comments but would like to know if anyone has done the on-purpose mistaken Mike Read/Mike Reid identity joke and started going on about Runaround. No? In that case -
"G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Mertonian
Comment No. 709555 July 19 14:02 GBR The LORD said unto Mik'read, "Write!" And he answered "What shall I write?" And the LORD said unto him,
"Get thee a sheet of azure Parchment, two Cubits square, and write upon it a Message. Let this Message be one of peace, and one that containeth many Wonders. Be thou the Harbinger of my True Servant, and write namely this:
"Write of the Heavens, in which thou shalt hoist thy Pennant, and erect Booths wherein thou mayest sell such Banners both unto thy Neighbours and to Sojourners for a reasonable fee.
"Write of the Earth, whereupon thou shalt bring Order and Prosperity by these well-considered Erections. Here shalt thou also bring under thy Yoke the Bands of Heathens, which shall be Crews unto thee all thy Days. Distrust thou thine Enemy's Chariots, and particularly those which may articulate and twist themselves, for they are naughty; but reward thou their Bondsmen and Handmaids, that they may also in their Time reward thee and thine.
"Write of the Waters, whereof thou are to make much Use. Seek thou out new Paths amongst the Creatures of the Deeps, but do thou this but briefly.
"Write of the Depths of the Earth, and do thou diligently explore the Feasibility of them. Drive thine Enemy's Chariots into the Caves, and build thou there Dwellings and Mansions for all them that are friendly unto thee. I shall send my Servant from the North to aid thee, and he shall be called Ma-cal-pine.
"Write of thyself: and do not bore holes into thy skull when thou thinkest upon the great Sports of many Nations, for then thou shouldest not shew my people the Way. Take thou great Pains of thine Appearance, and dress thine Hair as I direct thee, lest thou suffer the Fate of Elijah my Prophet at the hands of the little Children. [Translators' Note: see II Kings Chapter 2, 23-24]. If they do do unto thee what they did to unto him, do thou likewise unto them what he did do unto them.
"If thou followest my Commandments, thou shalt prepare my People for their Saviour, thou shalt bring an End to the Reign of Redkenliv-ing-ston, who is an Abomination in my Sight and a Consorter with Salamanders, and thou shalt dwell in my Courts in an advisory Capacity all the Days of thy Life."
And Mik'read did as the LORD commanded him, and the people reviled him and hearkened not unto his words. And he did retreat unto an Hut on the Shores of the Sea and became an Hermit. And many Times did Travellers in those Days pass by his Hut, and hear issuing thence strange Sounds and mighty Noises, as of the rushing of many Winds. But they did not care for these, nor for the Words wherewith Mik'read did accompany these Emissions. And they did flee as from before a giant Cliff [Translators' Note: this is unclear in the original]. And Mik'read did end his Days in Dishonour and Poverty, because he did not dress his Hair as the LORD commanded.
drbendyspoogun
Comment No. 709577 July 19 14:07 GBR @ AndrewThomas, am i right in thinking you are a shrewsbury town supporting (nothing wrong with that), tory supporting (each to their own) clone of another shrewsbury town supporting, tory supporting git? you guys are a hoot.
Beermonger
Comment No. 709584 July 19 14:09 LUX Something tells me that AndrewThomas100 is not posting from his laptop, in the pub, surrounded by friends.
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 709629 July 19 14:22 GBR Actually, AndrewThomas100 would appear to be a BNP supporter. He can call me all the moron he wants, if that's the case. I'm not going to listen to him.
Stumpysheep
Comment No. 709652 July 19 14:29 GBR It's spreading! Neilyneil e-mailed me this: http://commentisfree.guardian.co.uk/inayat_bunglawala/2007/07/a_malicious_campaign.html#comment-706661
In a reply Inyat describes this thread as 'a bit odd'. Having met him I can allege that rumours of him suffering from a sense of humour bypass are not unfounded.
As for Ken being 'hard left' LOL!
Fishbulb
Comment No. 709664 July 19 14:31 So do you think we can get Mike Read into parliament by, say, 2010? I mean it sounds ... you know ... what's the phrase? Sort of rhymes with squeezable?
OldLefty
Comment No. 709670 July 19 14:32 DEU There is a "Mike Read for Mayor" thread on The Haven at Guardian Talk (only 16 comments at present), so when the thread gets closed, everyone can move over there.
andrewthomas100
Comment No. 709691 July 19 14:37 GBR Beermonger: "Something tells me that AndrewThomas100 is not posting from his laptop, in the pub, surrounded by friends."
It's just that most of these hilarious comments are variations of "Mike Read is just a twat DJ with a bad haircut". Do we really need to read it 600 times? It started getting boring after the first 100 repetitions.
Whatever you think about Mike Read, he had a successful media career and probably achieved much more in his life than most of the sad tossers posting here. Have a look at the crap posting of Mertonian above me - the lack of humour and wit and any sort of intelligence on these CiF postings has been astounding.
misharialadwani
Comment No. 709700 July 19 14:42 GBR @SirJonDangerOus-the word you want is conceivable,though there is another word,damme,it was on the tip of my tongue..no,no,it's gone. @whathavetheydone-Say it aint so,the granite-jawed gangbuster,(played by Robert Stack),was a childhood favorite.However,I see your point.He's worryingly keen on 'feasibility'...uh-oh. @Mertonian-Great stuff,but you're setting the bar a bit too high,you bastard.Take some stupid pills and get back to us. Re:Kinder,Dromedary,AndrewThomas100 and the other mercifully few peevish Readonians and Frintonites.Let's just ignore them.This has been far and away the most light-hearted and good-natured thread ever.The Pecksniffs can fuck off. @peteran-Thanks for the lovely Frinton grafitto story.
SirJonDanger0us
Comment No. 709715 July 19 14:46 GBR andrewthomas100: Fair enough, you don't find it funny, but almost everyone else does, which puts you firmly in a tiny minority.
Which, if ItIsFeasible is correct about your political sympathies, probably means you should go and beat yourself up.
Mertonian
Comment No. 709733 July 19 14:53 GBR andrewthomas100,
are you perhaps a twat with a bad haircut? Does this account for the offence you feel at my reference to Elijah? Do you feel compelled to read comments and postings in which you have no interest, the wit of which leave you ungrabbed, and which you in fact describe in scatalogical terms? It would appear that this is the source of your compulsion (nearly 700 posts' worth of compulsion!), and we must therefore revise our opinion of you as: a coprophiliac twat with a bad haircut.
drbendyspoogun
Comment No. 709745 July 19 14:57 GBR @andrewthomas...
apologies, i do think i have you mixed up with someone else, but Mike Read may well think he has achieved more than anyone else commenting here, but thats why we are posting here. I for one am fed up of the overall beige-ness of people like Mike Read, there achievements are not related to talent, but ego, and self promotion. If he is seen as the apex of achievement no wonder everyone we all need to put drugs down our glut pipes.
dite
Comment No. 709762 July 19 15:02 GBR Links to more material on Mike Read's approach to the mayoral situation can be found here:
http://iaindale.blogspot.com/2007/06/mike-read-london-mayoralty.html
And the reasons for the earlier non-appearance of MR mentioned in the above can be found here:
http://news.independent.co.uk/people/pandora/article2441977.ece
Mike claims to have "helped to discover The Proclaimers" - is this feasible?
OldLefty
Comment No. 709772 July 19 15:05 DEU I've just had a thought - surely if Mike can collaborate with long-dead great writers, then surely literary geniuses who will not be born for a few hundred years can collaborate with him.
Perhaps the hair style will be the height of fashion in 2357.
LondonFido
Comment No. 709782 July 19 15:07 GBR andrewthomas100 - blimey, you just don't get it, do you? As you know, many / most of these CiF threads address (often repeatedly) some intensely serious and heavy topics. Many posts are erudite and thought provoking, some are just rubbish and some vitriolic and vindictive. The general effect of reading and participating in them can be quite dispiriting. By any measure, Mike Read's article, whilst possibly well-intentioned, was hysterically funny. Made the funnier because he clearly meant it as a serious political manifesto promoting his blueprint for London and his support for Boris. It seems the vast majority of people posting on this thread think the same (not as Mike, obviously, but I'm warming to some of his ideas - his feasibility method could go a long way). This thread is a rare and spontaneous display of some very amusing, deliciously surreal humour. People are participating because it's fun. And it's good for you to do fun things. This thread is uplifting not dispiriting. Presumably if you don't like the humour on display or want to participate, nobody is forcing you wade through a 100, never mind over 600 posts. And in contrast to you, I thought Mertonian's post was gloriously funny and like many other posts, made me laugh out loud.
5ChineseCrackers
Comment No. 709787 July 19 15:09 GBR @ Andrewthomas100:
Worst comment thread ever on CiF?
It's feasible.
paulhs
Comment No. 709790 July 19 15:10
Andrewthomas100, I think there are a lot of serious points being made:
From the use of "celebrity" in politics (and politics in celebrity), the way amateur journalism provides a new platform for ill thought out "black cab driver" populism, the dearth of credible conservative party candidates etc etc.
I don't like people who have nothing useful to say being given a platform to say it. When, however, they say something so obviously unintentionally funny, it is worth pointing it out through the medium of humour.
If you don't agree with the "unintentionally funny" description, I suggest you read whathavetheydone post (7:45 PM) which illustrates the stupidity of the article brilliantly.
Fishbulb
Comment No. 709795 July 19 15:13 @OldLefty
So a future Joyce (for example) will write a novel to Mike Read's music? That's a future worth fighting for.
andyosb
Comment No. 709822 July 19 15:19 GBR After further consideration, I have now decided I will also not be standing as President of the United States. This is because I feel the position of Duke of Earl will take up most of my time.
berdo
Comment No. 709841 July 19 15:24 GBR Hi, my name's Berdo, everyone loves me and really really good people (better than you filthy proles) said i should be leader of the world. As leader of the world, I'd stop bad things like, er, murder. Woozah!
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 709853 July 19 15:30 GBR Hi, my name's, erm, Mick Red. I was going to stand for leader of the world, but now that I see Berdo is standing I am all for his cause. If I were elected leader of the world (even though I'm not standing), I'd put everything underground and kick in all the parking meters. All underprivileged kids would be given scholarships to RADA, and I'd make paedos, rapists and murderers drive bendy buses so that no bugger ever uses them. Hurrah!
benhameen
Comment No. 709858 July 19 15:32 TWN Feeling lost? In despair? Don't know where to turn? - just ask yourself one question: what would Mike do?
claphamleft
Comment No. 709861 July 19 15:32 GBR misharialadwani - thanks! - go to the top of the class - you made me laugh the most!
JeffreyArcher
Comment No. 709865 July 19 15:33 FRA Hmnn... I see today's wonderful Evening Standard is being prom0ted by a poster which sez "Home Secretary: I Took Cannabis"
So! Now we know where it's gone!
OldLefty
Comment No. 709884 July 19 15:39 DEU @Fishbulb
Or perhaps the lyrics to Mike's musicals were written by a future Joyce... ...or perhaps not.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 709900 July 19 15:43 GBR "If you don't agree with the "unintentionally funny" description, I suggest you read whathavetheydone post (7:45 PM) which illustrates the stupidity of the article brilliantly."
Flattered, to be sure... mind you, not sure I did the best job here. Still loving all the contributions to the Top 40 Ten Commandments... Which someone has removed from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Read#Political_ambitions
But they haven't removed everything... aha!
Just wondering if this page goes up the Google listing the more it mentions Mike Read... if so, here goes: Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read, Mike Read!
scrap
Comment No. 709904 July 19 15:44 GBR I was a bit sarcastic earlier, but now I think Mike's been a bit hasty in pulling out of the mayoral race.
Surely a collaboration with Dick Whittington would produce the ultimate dream team ticket?
hairymary
Comment No. 709907 July 19 15:45 GBR Oh no, now the Guardian is asking on another thread which other "celebrities" might provoke some similar fun. I'm not sure you can recreate the success of the Mike Read saga.
The dynamic of the this thread is a frenzy of tribal self-validation whereby participants celebrate the Guardian tribe by denigrating a parody of otherness. This is the most basic form of group bonding and may even be "hard-wired" into the human brain.
The reason the thread works so well is that for Guardian tribe members Mike represents a thrilling car crash of hostile political views and show-business risibility. Self-importance and apparent lack of self-awareness from Mike obviously compound the appeal.
Aspects of the frenzy can be quite unattractive as the more over-excited (often younger and less psychologically developed) tribe members in the frenzy can begin to resemble a bullying mob. The level of vitriol from individual posters is often related to their own lack of maturity and confidence. The more self-confident poster may be more "light touch", avoiding the appearance of an adolescent sledgehammer attacking a old nut.
One key aspect of tribalism at its most basic is the positioning of those outside the group as "not human". This is evident in the thread where a participant muses that Mike has met his match because his views have come up against the [quote] "real people" of the Guardian tribe. By implication the type of C2DE right-leaning people more likely to interact with Mike are not "real people".
They ask - who's next? Implying there are other Mike Reads out there. Apart from Jeffrey Archer it is hard to think of anyone combining fame and idiocy in a way likely to provoke the same intensity of knee-jerk reaction and fun. If the potential Aunt Sally is already a self-parody even before the chorus of reaction starts it clearly helps.
BellEndBush
Comment No. 709911 July 19 15:47 GBR @LondonFido
Excellent post sir/madam.
The lack of humour some people has shown on this thread is quite amazing.
Anyway everybody, carry on, and let's get this thread up the magic 1000... if it's, you know, feasible.
roomwithaview
Comment No. 709922 July 19 15:51 GBR Well,... any newspaper editor who doesn't print this thread in toto ....! It's the closest I've come to the Goon Show in years. You lot are magnificent ! Viva !, but then again a great deal of credit must go to Mike for setting it up. Ha! Ha ! Ha! Let me wipe the tears from my eyes and carry on reading..Ha! Ha!...really cheered me up...
WinstonTheChair
Comment No. 709948 July 19 15:57 GBR Finally, we have found the answer to world peace!
Jews and Muslims, men and women, black and white, athiest and religious, Israel and Palestine, capitalist and communist, coke and pepsi, quality and quantity, ying and yang, liberal and neo-con - finally, all have now been united in their ridicule of this article and its author!
Who says now that a sense of humour isn't important in politics?
notsureofmyname
Comment No. 709949 July 19 15:57 GBR I've just re-read the article and can't understand how I initially missed the joy of this little offering:
"Seeing a chance to make a real difference to a great city I thought it would be refreshing to go down a 'people not politics' route and have spent a great deal of time at Westminster over the last six months."
It's possible to re-arrange the words used into almost any alternative order and it makes no more or less sense: is there a fancy word for this type of sentance? (a 'non-senseitur').
Anyhow - please, every/any one, keep posting...1000 may be...feasible...
LondonFido
Comment No. 709989 July 19 16:08 GBR BellEndBush - I was tempted to resort to some short and pithy anglo-saxon but thought better of it...
whathavetheydone - for a moment I thought your search engine optimisation ruse was an un-feasibly long chorus of a new Mike Read London Citizens Anthem. BTW although Wikipedia has lost the 40 Commandments, I notice it has some new adornments
misharialadwani
Comment No. 710000 July 19 16:11 GBR @LondonFido-I suspect that Haircut100 still won't get it,even after your unimproveably succinct post.There are none so blind,etc.etc.Looking at the Ur-text,Mike's post,I keep finding matchless jewels of imbecility."..I'll still be available,if needed,to help Boris raise London's spirit." Mike,Mike,Mike..you don't need Boris to help raise our spirit,as this thread amply shows.No matter.My Oral Situation is proud to present a dramatic entertainment...
Mike Read,Prince Of Denmark Street
By Willum Blogosphere Scene 1,Act 1 A castle hall in Frinton.King Stanley is holding court.Enter a knight. SIR SIMON BATES:How now,your Majesty,I bring news from London. KING STANLEY:What cheer,Sir Simon,welcome,welcome.What news of the Mayoral Situation and my son Boris ? SIR SIMON:Ill-tidings,my liege.Lord Boris availeth himself of evil counsel. KING STANLEY:How so,good Sir Knight,Lord Boris is well-favoured in reason,it resides in good proportion 'neath his tousled thatch. SIR SIMON:It is so,Sire,but may not the stout-hearted beaver be importuned by the subtil serpent ? KING STANLEY:What is a beaver? SIR SIMON:It is a beast,Sire,that nests on the heads of DJ's. KING STANLEY:By my troth,Sir,you speak in riddles.Remove the sauce and let us have at the meat of the matter.Speak on. SIR SIMON:Sire,Lord Boris,acting on the counsel of Prince Mike,has submerged the carriages of London beneath the earth. KING STANLEY:Whatwhatwhatwhatwhat ? These are ill-tidings,indeed. ASSEMBLED COURTIERS:Shocking..bleeding liberty..well.I never...there ought to be a law...I blame the Government. KING STANLEY:Silence! Is this,erm,you know,what's the word.. SIR SIMON:Feasible,Sire? Evidently so. KING STANLEY falls face-first into a bowl of malmsey in a condition of swoon.
To Be Continued.
drbendyspoogun
Comment No. 710020 July 19 16:18 GBR Mike Read-Taxi Driver..............
Read drives past Kings Cross in his Honda Civic, a vandal recently took the H of the front, the one thing that lets people know its a Honda, Mike is Mad
Mike:" They're all animals anyway. All the
animals come out at night: Whores,
skunk pussies, buggers(Relax), queens,
fairies, dopers, junkies, sick,
venal.
(a beat)
Someday a real rain will come and
Give these people underground Carparks"
Mike :"Are you talking to me?" (silence) "because im the only one here" (Silence) "are you talking to me?" London: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"
notmelphilips
Comment No. 710025 July 19 16:21 GBR benhameen: "Feeling lost? In despair? Don't know where to turn? - just ask yourself one question: what would Mike do?"
I would think that Mike himself may feel lost and in despair if he had read this little lot. On the other hand he doesn't come across as noticeably self-aware.
More to the point - will this be the 700th post?
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 710041 July 19 16:25 GBR @LondonFido: "for a moment I thought your search engine optimisation ruse was an un-feasibly long chorus of a new Mike Read London Citizens Anthem. BTW although Wikipedia has lost the 40 Commandments, I notice it has some new adornments "
It could be... what tune? Relax perhaps? And I wonder how those other adornments got there... spooky.
@misharialadwani: brilliant... when's the next installment due?
we should be over 700 about now... 1000 would be both feasible, pleasable and squeezable.
dontmakemelarf
Comment No. 710043 July 19 16:25 GBR The mindset required to set yourself up as someone that purports to choose what music - performed by others - shall be played at a public event rather than actually socialise or participate in it, marks you out as inadequate, egotistical and insensitive in the first place. Look at any 'DJ'.
Mike Read has obviously not developed emotionally or intellectually since he was, ooh, nine and a half and played 'cars' on his bedroom carpet.
BTW, this 'article' is obviously just a campaign sheet chopped about a (very little) bit to resemble an op-ed piece. A pathetic show by Read, but also - if not deliberately subversive - by the Grauniad.
Enough with the biblical spoofs already.
benhameen
Comment No. 710052 July 19 16:28 TWN Newly added on his Wikipedia entry. Oh the amusement.
Read is testing the feasibility of a new art form, the posthumous collaboration, working with many literary greats including Shelley, Byron, Kipling, Auden, Shakespeare, Dylan Thomas, Tennyson and Wordsworth
Perhaps Mike should also be testing the feasibility of a new career as a freelance problem solver.
- Who you gonna call? MIKE READ!
Stumpysheep
Comment No. 710112 July 19 16:44 GBR We're still at no. 6 in the google chart pop(nit)pickers, keep going! If people with websites or blogs can link to this it's feasible we might be able to get it up a bit.
Top 10 campaign songs anyone?
SlideshowRod
Comment No. 710133 July 19 16:49 FRA @Whathavetheydone - You've posted 44 times on this thread - Is that a personal record?!!
dite
Comment No. 710145 July 19 16:53 GBR And the official line on Mike's gracious standing down, and offer of assistance?
The entry on Dave the Toff's site - http://www.webcameron.org.uk/page.php?id=4&forum_showtopic=791 - simply refers one back to this blog for more details!
nickine9
Comment No. 710165 July 19 16:57 GBR @stumpysheep - campaign songs - very good idea - should get us up to 1000 posts. how about:
down in the tube station at midnight (or up to 2Am on weekends)
going underground (to park my car)
both of which are excellent tracks
any track by madness
5ChineseCrackers
Comment No. 710179 July 19 17:00 GBR "Feeling lost? In despair? Don't know where to turn? - just ask yourself one question: what would Mike do?"
Get in there with gangs, or "crews" as they prefer to be known?
Put all paedophiles, rapists, muderers and traffic wardens with no commone sense underground?
No - I've got it. He'd Make a dick of himself.
sergeantfox
Comment No. 710192 July 19 17:03 GBR dontmakemelarf: "Mike Read has obviously not developed emotionally or intellectually since he was, ooh, nine and a half and played 'cars' on his bedroom carpet."
Yeah, it was because the neighbours below complained - "all that robo-rythm stuff ain't music", they shouted, and smashed the record up. Shortly afterwards, Mike was banned from playing records at home. Would that the ban had lasted more than a week, because when it was lifted, Mike discovered Cliff.
LondonFido
Comment No. 710211 July 19 17:08 GBR misharialadwani - Prince of Denmark Street!! Love it. whathavetheydone - a tune for the Mike Read London Citizens Anthem cum website optimisation? How about Vindaloo? Believe it or not the original had lyrics, aside from the chanting of Nah Nah Nah and Vindaloo - it would would start like this:
Where on earth are you from? We're from London Where you come from Do they put miscreants down? Kick them [then instead of Nah Nah Nah...] Mikey Read Mikey Read Mikey Read Mike Read Mikey Read Mikey Read Mikey Read Mike Read
then just carry on as above for as long as you can bear it...
misharialadwani
Comment No. 710224 July 19 17:10 GBR Suggestions for the Campaign Song Top Ten
The Jam- "Going Underground" Freddie King-"I'm Goin' Down" The Who-"Boris The Spider" Roger Miller-"King Of The Road" Hank Williams-"Move It On Over" The Clash-"White Riot" The Smiths-"Hang The DJ" Gang Of Four-"At Home He Feels Like A Tourist" Ray Charles-"Hit The Road,Jack" The Hollies-"Bus Stop" The Beatles-"You Can't Do That" Loudon Wainwright-"Glad To See You've Got Religion" Richard Thompson-"Tear Stained Letter" Cream-"Politician" Led Zeppelin-"Communication Breakdown" Bootsy Collins-"Here Come The Land Sharks" The Surfin' Nazis-"Your Mama Is A Crack Whore" Warren Zevon-"Lawyers,Guns And Money" Ferrero and The Roches-"The Ambassadors Reception"
allright,now I'm getting silly..but this is a Godsend,we can easily hit the magic 1000 doing these..yay..The Mother Of All Threads is go..
japan
Comment No. 710234 July 19 17:13 GBR stumpysheep:
campaign songs will have to be at least a couple of decades old, methinks...
i'll nominate two by The Jam because of the terrible car troubles in london just now - "going underground" and "down in the tubestation at midnight".
AllyF
Comment No. 710245 July 19 17:16 GBR Mike does Shelley:
"I met a Stanley from an antique London
Who said: "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in Trafalgar Square. Near them by the pigeons,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.
And on the empty plinth these words appear:
`My name is Livingstonias, King of Kens:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!'
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lonely bendy buses stretch far away."
AllyF
Comment No. 710249 July 19 17:17 GBR Mike's collaboration with Byron:
"I want a hero: an uncommon want,
When every year and month sends forth a new one,
Till, after cloying the gazettes with cant,
The whispered poison cross'd my auris;
Of such as these I should not care to vaunt,
I'll therefore take our ancient friend Boris -
We all have seen him, in the pantomime,
Sent to the devil somewhat ere his time."
AllyF
Comment No. 710253 July 19 17:18 GBR Mike's collaboration with Kipling:
"He does make exceedingly feasible cakes."
paulhs
Comment No. 710257 July 19 17:18
spotted this gem on the Radio rewind website:
"Born 1951 in Manchester (where his father Les played football for United in the forties), Mike Read had his first crack at show business as a singer in clubs around the City. He later moved South and whilst commentating on cricket match in Surrey, someone suggested he should put his voice to use as a disc jockey"
I imagine the conversation went something like this:
Mike Read: OOH, bad shot, no score, hmm, which seems to be a problem nowadays - you know, I have spent a great deal of time watching cricket these past three months and through this knowledge I think that the batter, or batsmen as they prefer to be called, should get much tougher, making sure that long hops, half vollies and overpitched deliveries have no place, and never will, on the cricket pitch. Finally, in brief, he should explore more usuage of the pull shot.
Someone: will you please shut up, I've had enough of you jabbering on. I just want to watch the match not listen to you're ill informed opinion, like some kind of hospital radio DJ.
Mike Read: HMMMM, DJ, eh? D.J. Hmm, Mike Read DJ. I like it. Yes. Sounds feasible. I'll do it!!
But on a serious note, Mike, I wasn't sure where you stood on immigration, saving the pound, asylum seekers and gypsies (or nomadic people as they prefer to be called).
davidabsalom
Comment No. 710309 July 19 17:26 GBR Has Boris publicly thanked Mike Read for his support? If he hasn't, he's lost my vote, the toffy-nosed git.
notmelphilips
Comment No. 710337 July 19 17:34 GBR Mike Read in collboration with Rupert Brooke:
Stands the clock at ten to three Aren't they mean on Comment is free?
roomwithaview
Comment No. 710380 July 19 17:47 GBR I'm backing Doris ( come out luv wherever you're hiding ) -What took you so long ? -Had to get past that f'ing copper outside the underground,hadn't I ?
I too 'ave decided not to stand as mayor of London, but I'm getting behind the woman who I hope will raise this city boy's profile and improve life for Loners.
Spancia
Comment No. 710386 July 19 17:49 USA Mertonian, misharialadwani, you are both a credit to your nation!
PorFavor
Comment No. 710417 July 19 17:58 GBR I haven't enjoyed myself this much for ages. Thanks all - whathavethey done and misharialadwani are names that spring to mind. Do you think we could make it into a musical? Or is that not feasible? (Actually, that nearly rhymes. I feel a song coming on . . .)
misharialadwani
Comment No. 710419 July 19 17:59 GBR Mike Fails To Collaborate With T.S.Eliot
No!I am not Prince Hamlet,nor was meant to be; Am an attendant Lord,one that will do To swell a progress,start a scene or two, Advise the prince,no doubt,an easy tool, Deferential,glad to be of use, Politic,cautious,and meticulous; Full of high sentences,but a bit obtuse; At times,indeed,almost ridiculous- Almost,at times,the Fool.
I grow old...I grow old... I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
Tom saw you coming,Readster...
but back to the campaign Top Ten..
Prince-"I'm Willing" Miles Davis-"Well,You Needn't" Graham Parker-"Don't Get Excited" The Beatles-"I'm Down" The Beatles-"I'm A Loser" Beethoven-"Pathetique" Satie-"Trois Gymnopedes",appropriately the most melancholy music ever written. Gary Numan-"In Cars" Little Feat-"Fat Man In The Bathtub" Pink Floyd-"Set The Controls For The Heart Of The Sun" Elvis Costello-"I Don't Want To Go To Chelsea" The Jam-"In The City" John Martyn-"Solid Air"
treesey
Comment No. 710455 July 19 18:09 GBR thank-you to smashie and everyone else pissed myself laughing
Abahachi
Comment No. 710486 July 19 18:20 GBR To be fair, his prose style is less toxic than J.K.Rowling's.
I can't believe that I've only just come across this thread...
cheesemeister
Comment No. 710490 July 19 18:20 GBR Campaign bus?
arabjew
Comment No. 710527 July 19 18:32 GBR hairymary: "BigL is Frinton's fastest-growing radio station and Mike has just referred to this chatterboard on-air and I can tell you it was obvious he COULDN'T CARE LESS what you Guardian haters think about him. Support Mike NOW by tuning to BigL on the Internet or Sky 0190."
Could anyone who has been listening to Mike's show on BigL and heard him refer to the thread tell us what he said? i'd love to know... Sadly BigL doesnt appear to let you listen to shows after they've been on. This is, of course, assuming that it is a real radio station, of which i'm not yet convinced.
incidentally, now he's exhausted the poets, perhaps Mikey & his crew could do some collaborations with dead rappers? I suggest a collaboration with the late great Big L himself. I've spoken to Showbiz & AG and they assure me its feasible...
BTW hairymary, 'Guardian tribe members'? have you actually been on any other threads on this site? its not always quite so much of a 'group-bonding' love-in believe it or not.
provincialboyo
Comment No. 710542 July 19 18:37 GBR Mike's campaign themes Top Ten. In honour of the ego of Mike, they all begin with "I":
1. I can't win - the Strokes 2. I wanna be adored - Stone Roses 3. I wouldn't believe your radio - Stereophonics 4. I'm in love with Margaret Thatcher - The Notsensibles 5. I want the one I can't have - The Smiths 6. I will follow (Boris)- U2 7. If you're thinking of me - Dodgy 8. I think I'm paranoid - Garbage 9. I'll stand by you - Pretenders 10. I'm waiting for the man - Velvet Underground(carpark)
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 710544 July 19 18:38 GBR Misharialadwani - brilliant. I can just see Mike trudging away from the mayoral hustings to the melancholic strains of Gymnopode No.1, discarding the chinchilla atop his head and skulking off to prevent some hoodie's egress from a tube station.
More song suggestions (sorry if they've been done)
Bruce Springsteen - I'm Goin' Down Jamiroquai - Deeper Underground Radiohead - Electioneering
and my personal fave:
R.E.M. - World Leader Pretend
zangdook
Comment No. 710552 July 19 18:41 GBR I think Dave Cameron should stand for mayor, it's the only way he'll ever get any sort of executive authority.
Neilyneil
Comment No. 710579 July 19 18:50 GBR Would like to say that this is the very best blog full of some of the finest, and wittiest minds today. I suggest it is allowed to run for a very long time.
I also sympathise with the plight of probably not slightly disturbed at all people like Mike and Boris and thier obviously not completely totally out of touch supporters who are clearly normal in every way. Watch out for them them as they scurry about your town with armfuls of binbags and shouting at passing traffic, and sing along with this specially penned Read-Boris electoral anthem donated for free. It goes like this:
so many types of household objects, so many different items of street furniture, so many busses and trains so many dry stone walls on windswept moors so many fishermens huts by the stormy coast so many factories, offices and schools so many national borders, deserts, forests and neighbours pets so many pens and pencils and footwear so many cross channel ferries and shopping trolleys so many things to smear with jam so many flavours and varieties of jam, so little time!
PorFavor
Comment No. 710599 July 19 18:56 GBR Is it my imagination or has that photograph aged since this all began? Hitherto, I hadn't thought the plot of the Picture of Dorian Gray was feasible. Now - I'm not so sure. Creepy (or crepey).
RobinBrown
Comment No. 710602 July 19 18:57 HUN Mike Read collaborating with William Blake on London
I wander through each chartered bus lane Near unchartered space where the Thames does flow And mark in every face I meet Marks of misery,marks of woe
In every cry of every man In every drivers cry of fear In every voice, in every parking ticket The politically correct manacles I hear
How the cheeky cockneys cry Every blackening Mega-Mosque appals And the hapless commuters sigh Runs in blood down Red Ken's walls
But most, through midnight streets I hear How the youthful crew's curse Blasts the unfulfilled teenager's tear And blights with 'fucks' the red bendy buses
deepblue
Comment No. 710604 July 19 18:58 FRA Really pleased to see you're all still going strong - with the exception of Kinder, of cours, but you can't win them all.
Perhaps Georgina and her team will now acknowledge that the average CiF posting doesn't meet all needs. There's certainly a market out there for something other than the usual political/social/ discussions with the resultant (occasional) abusive comment.
Given Mike's extraordinary talents perhaps she could suggest to him that he collaborate with Shelley, Shakespeare, Bryon, Auden, Kipling, Wordsworth, Thomas (have I forgotten any?) so that we can have blogs written by them. What a scoop that would be for the Guardian.
It must be feasable.
misharialadwani
Comment No. 710619 July 19 19:04 GBR @provincialboyo-Velvet Underground(car park)...why didn't I think of that? Great list,though. @ItIsFeasible-Yeah,innit?There's just something almost unbearably sad about Mike's utter lack of self-awareness.Now,back to the list..
Chet Baker-"Everything Happens To Me" Miles Davis-"Straight,No Chaser" Focus-"Hocus-Pocus" Dr.Feelgood-"Malpractice" Richard Hell&The Voidoids-"Blank Generation" The Pretenders-"Mystery Achievement" Rick James-"Superfreak" Jethro Tull-"Living In The Past" The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band-"Big Shot"
...you know,I think we're past 750 already..we can get to a 1000 before they piss on our fireworks.
"You can get it if you really want it But you must try,try and try,try and tryiyiyi You'll succeed at last.."
I'd really like to know where we stand..is this officially the most popular thread ever,or what?..what IS the record ? Howzabout it Moderators ?
Catch22
Comment No. 710647 July 19 19:14 GBR The Waste Land By Mike Toilets Read
IV. DEATH BY WATER
Mikey the Frintonian, a chinchilla head,
Forgot the cry of crews, and the deep Thames swell
And the bendy and bus.
A carpark underground
picked his bones in whispers. CiF they laughed and cried
He passed the stages of his failed musicals
Entering the sealedtube.
People or Politics
O you who turn the wheel and look to buslanes,
Consider Mikey, who was once handsome and tall as you.
It is feasible.
drbendyspoogun
Comment No. 710654 July 19 19:16 GBR Big bendy buses:
They paved paradise And put up an underground parking lot With a pink hotel, a boutique And a swinging hot cock Dont it always read to go That you dont know what youve got Till its gone They paved paradise And put up an underground parking lot
They took all the trees Put em in a tree museum And they charged the people A above inflation just to see em Dont it always read to go That you dont know what youve got Till its gone They paved paradise And put up a underground parking lot
BearintheWoods
Comment No. 710666 July 19 19:21 GBR A propos of not very much, this song by Napalm Death, if my first attempt to post a link actually works.
[URL=http://www.musicsonglyrics.com/N/napalmdeathlyrics/napalmdeathdiatribeslyrics.htm]Napalm Death - Diatribes lyrics[/URL]
hairymary
Comment No. 710685 July 19 19:31 GBR Arabjew : Could anyone who has been listening to Mike's show on BigL and heard him refer to the thread tell us what he said?
Hi Arabjew, yes I was listening to BigL this morning and Mike firstly referred to "some nonsense on the Internet" before reading out a listener's email saying "here's a link to a chatboard where Guardian readers are slagging you off - how pathetic ... what have that bunch of lefties ever done?"
He later opined that "these people on the Internet" have sad lives and would be better occupied thinking of something positive or nice to say. However he also claimed that he had been too busy to read it.
BigL is indeed a real radio station, based in Frinton but transmitting the signal rather oddly from Holland on medium wave, plus Internet & Sky. There was a Channel 4 show following the fortunes of Harvey Goldsmith trying to give them some business advice.
Big news on the show today was that David "Diddy" Hamilton has left the station for a "sabbatical"! Rather excitingly he and Mike had been sharing a house during the week locally, but Diddy now says he'd much rather share with a lady! Priceless.
Yes I have found some voices on the site dissenting from the Guardian party line, but I understand a woman called Georgina is going to put a stop to it. Good!
Notgullible
Comment No. 710698 July 19 19:38 GBR " I'll be available, if needed, to help Boris raise London's spirit and profile"
First thing surely would be to we twin London with Frinton-On-Sea.
It's feasible!
Stumpysheep
Comment No. 710705 July 19 19:41 GBR I'm just about to register Mike Read for Mayor - It's Feasible! on facebook. Give me a few mins and then feel free to add stuff.
Gundam27
Comment No. 710711 July 19 19:44 JPN There once was a fellow Most Teasable, A DJ with music most Cheezable (sorry) He sealed the tube with his Crew and parked on the underground too But his plans for London were..... hilariously demented gibberish actually.
Sorry that it doesn't scan but I was unable to find a deceased literary giant to collaborate with.
Subterranean carsick blues would be a good campaign song. this thread has broken my head..........
bluetuliproseread
Comment No. 710718 July 19 19:47 GBR I've just seen this on Mike's radio station website...
"Covering five decades of music, you can expect to hear Scissor Sisters next to Siouxsie Sioux, Keane next to Cliff, The Beatles next to Blur and Abba next to Adam Ant.
No other UK commercial station does this...they wouldn't dare."
They wouldn't dare? THEY WOULDN'T DARE? What makes them think that isn't feasible?
thisismycreed
Comment No. 710723 July 19 19:49 GBR As we know, there are feasible feasibles; there are things we know are feasible. We also know there are feasible unfeasibles; that is to say we know there are some things which are unfeasible. But there are also unfeasible unfeasibles.
This is my creed.
drbendyspoogun
Comment No. 710741 July 19 19:58 GBR You can just imagine Diddy and read, preparing their microwaveable meals, and then retiring to watch the football, GOOOOOALLLLLL, "hes got liquid football all over his face", and then watching a bit of question time, berating the ideas of overground car parks,...........actually i can't imagine that, i can just imagine them having anal sex.
misharialadwani
Comment No. 710760 July 19 20:04 GBR @Catch22-Bleak...but lovely. @drbendyspoogun-Mike meets Joni.It was fated.Poptastic,mate. @hairymary-"Bigl is Frinton's fastest growing radio station." Let me get his straight,Frinton's the size of Green Park and it's got MORE than 1 radio station ? Jesus,what's the other one ? 24-hour sea-shanties ? The Vera Lynn Station ? Oh,I get it..you naughty person,you.You're including the local Hospital's in-house station,which is incapable of growth.All in all it's a bit like me saying,"Pongo is the fastest growing feline in my flat".Which is true because he's the ONLY growing feline in my flat.I must say,I admire your dogged loyalty.If only Mike deserved it.But back to Mike's Ur-text,from which all good things flow. "Several professional footballers have agreed to be ambassadors and a wealthy and private concern would be happy to get involved with the FA and me..."Mike,Mike,Mike..making important sounding claims and offering them as evidence of,what,your fitness to support Boris?No,No,No.Your claims are meaningless.Evidence that can't be tested isn't evidence at all.Which professional footballers?What wealthy and private concern?Why would they mind being named in connection with a worthy cause ? It simply won't do,old horse,it is not,how can I put this..feasible. If,as evidence of my virtue and status as an outstanding human being,I claim to be the winner of a Nobel Peace Prize my claim can be tested.Mishari Al-Adwani is my real name.You could ring them up and ask,"Did this man win a Nobel Peace Prize?"Do you see how this evidence lark works,Mike? Try eating more fish as I understand it's brain-food..actually,you might consider moving into Billingsgate Fish Market.You know it makes sense.
5ChineseCrackers
Comment No. 710767 July 19 20:07 GBR Thanks drbendyspoon. You've just made me regret the fact that scooping out your mind's eye with a spoon is unfeasible.
davidabsalom
Comment No. 710769 July 19 20:10 GBR "...........actually i can't imagine that, i can just imagine them having anal sex."
And there goes my dinner.
Gundam27
Comment No. 710782 July 19 20:17 JPN damn you drbendyspoogun you made my eyes bleed.
Neilyneil
Comment No. 710785 July 19 20:19 GBR Mr Read says "I thought it would be refreshing to go down a "people not politics" route and have spent a great deal of time at Westminster over the last six months."
These are NOT the ravings of a complete Spasm Chasm, the Palace of Westminster, well known as a towering citadel of ordinary folk, where you're bound to meet more people than politics, while those high and mighty politicians are all out there driving in vans and digging the roads.
"I thought it would be interesting to fight crime so I spent 6 months dressed as an inflateable liferaft hanging round outside a fishmongers"
Mr Read needs to collect his thoughts. It's feasible. He needs to Relax, and Don't do it, when he wants to Go To it.
zangdook
Comment No. 710795 July 19 20:22 GBR Even Georgina is taking the piss out of Mike, but then, that's why he was published here in the first place.
http://commentisfree.guardian.co.uk/open_thread/2007/07/must_read.html
RobinBrown
Comment No. 710804 July 19 20:25 HUN Mike Read might well complian about those who've got nothing postive to say.
I'd reply to that, please Mike, stick to the day job. We've just finished having a kitschy actor who's the son-in- law of Tony Booth as PM to then have a DJ playing a role in London's politics. The only spin he should be doing is with discs.
As for the prose , well, comes in for a nasty hammering from Publishers Weekly who wrote about his book on Rupert Brooke,
"Read exposes a brief Tahitian romance that resulted in an unacknowledged child, but otherwise the biography is inadequately researched, repetitious, and padded with local history and irrelevant asides. It's wooden prose includes such sentences as this : "He eventually would live there, but that was in the future"'.
( from Amazon.co.uk review section....)
Mertonian
Comment No. 710807 July 19 20:25 GBR Mike's collaboration with Geoffrey Chaucer:
Experience, though noon auctoritee Were in this world, is right ynogh for me To speke of wo that is in politickes; For, lordynges, sith I first ylearned my trickes, Thonked be God that is eterne on lyve, Showes on the radio have I had more thanne fyve, -- If I so ofte myghte have yscheduled bee, -- And alle were worthy showes in hir degree. But me was toold, certeyn, nat longe agoon is, That sith that Boris ne wolde nevere but onis To be mayor, in the towne of Londone, That by the same ensample taughte he me That I ne sholde an article write but ones. Herkne eek, lo, which a sharp word for the nones, Biside a carpark, Boris, MP and man, Spak in repreeve of me, Musician: "Thou hast yhad one chance," -- quod he, -- "And that ilke chance that now hath thee Is but thine onelie," -- thus seyde he certeyn. What that he mente therby, I kan nat seyn; But he told me of a land where Comment is Fre Wherein I sholde write that whych yseemed me To be as welle both wyse and witty; And thus it was yfaith a michel pity That ye sphere whych is ycleped Blog Sholde treate me as I were a log Yflushed out into ye Themse River! I swear by Godde that I shal nevere Hear agen such insults coarse and stiffe, But shall retire, and shall live with mine Cliffe!
Catch22
Comment No. 710822 July 19 20:32 GBR Bendy Bus
Tracey Chapman
You got a bendy bus I want a ticket to London Boris maybe we can make a deal Maybe together we can get the win
Make London better Starting from zero got nothing to lose Maybe we'll make something But me myself I got nothing to prove
You got a bendy bus And I got a plan to park it underground I been working at the radio station Managed to save just a little bit of money We won't have to drive too far Just 'cross the Euston Road and into the C-Zone. You and I can both get jobs as traffic wardens And finally see what it means to have common sense.
You see my old man's got a problem He's not as charming as your father Stanley He says his car's parked on a double yellow I say just kick in the meter like all the cool kids. My crew went off and left me They wanted more rhymes than I could give I said somebody's got to take care of London So I quit interpretive dance thats what I did.
You got a bendy bus But is it fast enough to get past the PC at the tube We gotta make a decision We leave by 2am or get sealed inside.
I remember we were riding riding in your bus The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk City lights lay out before us And Cliff's arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder And I had a feeling that I belonged And I had a feeling I could feasibly be someone, be someone, be someone
You got a bendy bus And we go cruising to entertain ourselves You still ain't got the Mayoral Situation And I work at BigL as a DJ I know things will get better You'll find people and I'll get politics We'll move out of the C-Zone Buy a big house and live in the suburbs. You got a bendy bus And I got a new crew with all dem skillz You stay out drinking late at the House of Commons bar See more of Dave Cameron than you do of your kids I'd always hoped for better Thought maybe together you and me would find it I got no plans I ain't going nowhere So take your bendy bus and keep on driving
You got a bendy bus But is it feasible that I could play You gotta make a decision You vote for Mike or live the Boris way.
PorFavor
Comment No. 710842 July 19 20:39 GBR I'd missed the "raising the spirit of London" bit. Thanks to whoever mentioned it. (I reREAD the whole MR spiel as a consequence although I know it doesn't seem feasible that anyone would do it twice. Once nearly did for me until all of you rescued my sanity.) However, I think I have the key. MR thinks that London is a dead poet with whom he hopes to collaborate. Silly boy. London was a novelist and I got there first. Our next publication will be entitled "To Build an Underground Carpark". Work in progress includes "Call of the Bendybus" and "Before Boris".
georgeat4
Comment No. 710885 July 19 20:55 GBR I dunno; Mike has clearly spent a long time thorougly researching these proposals, and all the ones he cannot, for reasons of, erm, space share with us, and all you lot can do is sneer at the poor man. He'll not be back if that's your attitude, you know.
Personally, I think your proposals are just dandy, Mike, and I look forward to many more articles like this one to help while away my time.
Great poetry on here in the comments, though, especially from Catch 22 and C21Potlatch; i'll be hanging on to those efforts, and possibly emailing them to Mike, as he is apparently too busy to be reading blogs like this one.
I seem to remember Ant and Dec's 'Let's get ready to rumble' contained the line 'Watch us wreck the Mike'; perhaps he showed them an early copy of his manifesto?
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 710886 July 19 20:55 GBR Hairymary:
I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to do. You may, in fact, be the most intelligent forum troll I've ever encountered. Kudos.
What am I, 746th? Big push, everyone.
MrBumble
Comment No. 710902 July 19 21:05 GBR I don't like to kick a man when he is down. When Mr Read writes,'give them access to sporting facilities and the chance to make music, act, dance and write' I get the impression that he thinks everyone can become footballers , pop stars, dj's and authors. These young people get no favours by being given false hope. Most people have to survive by working as postmen, office workers, drivers ect. Giving youngsters a realistic view of life would 'improve life for Londoners'.
AllyF
Comment No. 710906 July 19 21:05 GBR "I'd like to see Boris push for a police officer on every tube entrance/exit so that underground miscreants know that their exit route is effectively sealed."
Anyone else notice that 'The Underground Miscreants' would be a great name for a band?
misharialadwani
Comment No. 710913 July 19 21:09 GBR @drbendyspoogun-..Diddy and Mike,anal sex ? Christ,I read that and instantly parked the tiger,(parking the tiger,Australian Vernacular:To Vomit)..I'm going to have to scrub out the inside of my skull. @Mertonian-Go to the head of the class..exellent..but I can't help wondering if Chaucer isn't a wee bit supra dig for a Mike Read thread..what next ? The Epic Of Gilgamesh in the original Sumerian? No..no..stop..I was kidding..Arrggggghhhhhhh.. @PorFavor-Jack London stayed just up the road from me when he was gathering material for "People Of The Abyss".It was a Rowton House for indigent men.Lenin,Stalin and Trotsky all stayed there when they were in London for the 2nd?..3rd? Internationale.Orwell also stayed there and wrote of it in "Down And Out In Paris And London".I need hardly tell you that it was converted into luxury flats 2 years ago.Irony is London's second language.We're all fluent..Except Mike,obviously.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 710929 July 19 21:16 GBR "@Whathavetheydone - You've posted 44 times on this thread - Is that a personal record?!!"
That many? Then yes, it's quite feasibly a record.
"Mike's collaboration with Kipling:
"He does make exceedingly feasible cakes."
"
Laughing outload again.
"Campaign bus?
"
brilliant.
"I'm just about to register Mike Read for Mayor - It's Feasible! on facebook. Give me a few mins and then feel free to add stuff."
Beat me to it!
@thisismycreed: "As we know, there are feasible feasibles; there are things we know are feasible. We also know there are feasible unfeasibles; that is to say we know there are some things which are unfeasible. But there are also unfeasible unfeasibles."
Beautiful.
@mertonian... it's too much! (weeps)
Catch22
Comment No. 710933 July 19 21:19 GBR Audio Vandals is also a good name for a band. I bet they would rrrrooocccck out!
Thanks for the kind words about my hasty TS Eliot rip off.
HairyMary, I'm sorry I missed your post about you being a social-anthropologist. Do I know you? Are you at SOAS? Are you the person with bad body odour in the Research computer lab?
Mishari I know where you live! Salam habibi ;)
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 710945 July 19 21:24 GBR Campaign Themes:
Schoolboy Crush - Cliff Richard (ironic?)
High Class Baby - Cliff Richard
Mean Streak - Cliff Richard
Travellin' Light - Cliff Richard
Please Don't Tease - Cliff Richard
Theme For A Dream - Cliff Richard
The Young Ones ('The Crew' remix) - Cliff Richard
It'll Be Me - Cliff Richard
Don't Talk To Him ('He's a poof' remix) - Cliff Richard
I'm The Lonely One - Cliff Richard
I Could Easily Fall - Cliff Richard
Wind Me Up (Let Me Go) - Cliff Richard
Blue Turns To Grey - Cliff Richard
Visions - Cliff Richard
I'll Come Runnin' - Cliff Richard
Power To All Our Friends - Cliff Richard
When Two Worlds Drift Apart - Cliff Richard
Can't Take The Hurt Any More - Cliff Richard
Some People - Cliff Richard
What Car - Cliff Richard
It's both true and utterly feasible...
http://www.cliffrichard.org/biog/singles.cfm
filthymacnasty
Comment No. 710973 July 19 21:37 GBR Mike Read for Mayor was a stunt, And the CIF'ers were horribly blunt. It ended in tears, Derision and jeers, Let's face it, the man is a DJ.
Amargi
Comment No. 710974 July 19 21:38 GBR Long time reader, first time poster.
Just wanted to say thankyouthankyouthankyou for all the wonderful, witty, hilarious, intelligent, surreal, hysterical and creative posts. Has put my faith (should I be using that word on CiF?!) back in the human race.
Have laughed til I cried. Glorious. Long may it continue.
Hugs and kisses to you all.
deb1
Comment No. 710977 July 19 21:40 GBR IsFeasible
"Hairymary:
I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to do. You may, in fact, be the most intelligent forum troll I've ever encountered. Kudos.
What am I, 746th? Big push, everyone."
I'm with you on the last push. If you can try this hard with Hairymary, I'm with you all the way.
ThurrockHunt
Comment No. 710987 July 19 21:45 GBR After discussing the mayoral situation, conversation turned to the july anal situation.
moloko77
Comment No. 710997 July 19 21:49 GBR I just want to contribute towards reaching the magic 1000 posts and thank all you lovely, lovely people for making the late shifts I've been doing this week bearable. This is a great antidote to the normal cif threads that just leave me angry; I would never have thought it feasible.
MrBumble
Comment No. 711002 July 19 21:52 GBR I don't like to kick a man when he is down. When Mr Read writes,'give them access to sporting facilities and the chance to make music, act, dance and write' I get the impression that he thinks everyone can become footballers , pop stars, dj's and authors. These young people get no favours by being given false hope. Most people have to survive by working as postmen, office workers, drivers ect. Giving youngsters a realistic view of life would 'improve life for Londoners'.
moook
Comment No. 711005 July 19 21:53 GBR I can't believe it took two and a half days to bring the conversation around to anal sex.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 711009 July 19 21:55 GBR "I would never have thought it feasible."
Just thank Big Mike!
misharialadwani
Comment No. 711017 July 19 21:57 GBR @Catch22-Aleikum-Salam.You're not a stalker are you ? @whathavetheydone-Jesus,you gave me a bad moment there,I thought,"My God,S/he has an actual Cliff album.This calls for an agonizing re-appraisal."..but then I realized,you must have Googled it.Great list..funny and chilling.I remember hearing an interview with Richard Branson about 10 years ago and he was asked to name his all-time favourite song."Bachelor Boy" by Cliff,answered the bearded nit.I've loathed him ever since. @filthymacnasty-naughty,naughty..but very funny. If I wasn't so lazy,I'd namecheck everyone...@AllyF for example for the poems,but there are just too many great posts. He may be good for nothing else,but Mike brought out the best in Cifers.
hairymary
Comment No. 711018 July 19 21:58 GBR ItIsFeasible: love you too Catch22: Sussex (a while ago) Good night all.
Tune to Mike tomorrow on BigL 0900-1300 Frinton's ... (oh never mind)
silverbar
Comment No. 711022 July 19 21:59 GBR "Due to confusion and uncertainty, bus lanes are often empty even when it's legal to drive in them" How about banning buses AND cars from the bus lanes, and turning them into decent cycle lanes. OK, I know, people NEED cars... (I also sympathise with those who claim high public transport charges mean a car works out cheaper - though not environmentally folks!)
"Put all car parking underground." Nice idea, but astronomically expensive unless you build under green field sites or under new developments. Then you have to persuade the motorists to walk from this centralised parking area to their workplace, or do they all get in buses? It's a difficult one - just too much traffic and too little space.
"Finally, in brief, explore more usage of the Thames" How about huge floating pontoons used for car parking space? Probably cost-prohibitive again. Floating 1-room bedsit cubes for resident workers unable to afford to live on land.
From the Independent article: "I helped to discover The Proclaimers" That's it, I have to post this good old memory for you now. Not the Proclaimers in the clip unfortunately: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEkB25V
chekhov
Comment No. 711033 July 19 22:05 GBR What's the betting andrewthomas100 is a radio 4 junkie who thinks "I'm sorry I haven't A Clue" is hilarious? You know, the "antidote to game shows in which Humphrey Littleton asks the panel to do silly things"! It is hilarious and very silly just like this blog. Did someone mention "irony"? I think we need a "fees-abilty" study!
misharialadwani
Comment No. 711035 July 19 22:05 GBR @Catch22-Aleikum-Salam.You're not a stalker are you ? @whathavetheydone-Jesus,you gave me a bad moment there,I thought,"My God,S/he has an actual Cliff album.This calls for an agonizing re-appraisal."..but then I realized,you must have Googled it.Great list..funny and chilling.I remember hearing an interview with Richard Branson about 10 years ago and he was asked to name his all-time favourite song."Bachelor Boy" by Cliff,answered the bearded nit.I've loathed him ever since. @filthymacnasty-naughty,naughty..but very funny. If I wasn't so lazy,I'd namecheck everyone...@AllyF for example for the poems,but there are just too many great posts. He may be good for nothing else,but Mike brought out the best in Cifers.
JeffreyArcher
Comment No. 711037 July 19 22:06 GBR Mike, don't take offense from this - obviously orchestrated - campaign against you, by the "hard" left. As you know, mate, you have many friends and supporters in the light entertainment industry, and we'll continue to back you up, despite these so-called "comments" on this interweb noticebook.
And your supporters are not only here in the UK, but also across the Atlantic. One particular friend, whose wonderful music you have done so much to promote, phoned me and asked me to send on this message to you, personally - yes, Mr Bruce Springsteen - who says: " Mike, ah'm sorry to hear you have dropped out of the race, because BABY YOU WERE BORN TO RUN".
provincialboyo
Comment No. 711089 July 19 22:32 GBR Two sites for your consideration
the nicey
http://www.lunacynet.com/league/signs.html
and the smashy
http://www.untamed@theuntamed.org
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 711175 July 19 23:35 GBR People of Britain, residents of Frinton, cranky people who don't quite "get" all of this and are seemingly quite upset about the whole thing, and general wanderers-in:
We have here a stunning opportunity to make history. Well, I say that, but in reality what we have is an outside chance to get 1000 posts at the bottom of some has-been DJ's ill-conceived manifesto for an aborted mayoral campaign (let's not mince words here).
I have, however, noticed a bit of flagging. That's right. There remains, at this point, about 13 hours of solid posty fun-time on this inestimable e-tome before the evil powers-that-be shut it down. Yes! It will forever be preserved in the PDFs of bored office workers, and yea for all eternity shall it lurk in the edit history of the Wikipedia, for there the commandments of St Creed were etched for all to see, in little phosphor dots of truth.
However, nothing worth having comes easy. These last hours (I'm going to throw "The Passion of the Nice(y)" out there as a working title) will be our hardest yet. Tell your friends. Tell your colleagues. Tell your bewildered cohorts and tired masses that they must congregate here and be part of something special.
Remember, my brethren, we are witnessing the internet equivalent of the Sermon on the Mount - the birth of a new creed. The Read Creed! The Cread!
We are the Freemasons of Feasibility. We are the Friends of Cliff. We will not go gentle in to this good night! Nor shall we park our cars above ground! We will fight the persistently antisocial on the beaches (of Frinton), on the islands (floating on the fully realised Thames-Read flotilla system - it's shaped like Pat Sharpe's mullet) and on those god-awful bendy buses.
Will you let the possibility of 1000 posts slip by you, the way an underground miscreant slips out the exit of a tube station? Or will you be the police community support officer of enlightenment, and bar the way to the miscreant of failure (making him miss his Kings Cross connection - the little shit had it coming)?
It's time to post up or shut up. Do it for Mike. Do it for Boris.
For God's sake - do it for Cliff.
(Collapses in melodramatic weeping)
Neilyneil
Comment No. 711185 July 19 23:42 GBR Got a delightful mental image of Ken wandering round at night with a toolbox, opening up traffic lights and "tampering with them", swapping over wires then neatly screwing the backs on, possibly while whistling 'relax' by Frankie goes to Hollywood, eventually covering every major junction and subsequently causing mammoth tailbacks of Range Rovers full of people who all look like Boris the following morning.
Good old Ken.
deb1
Comment No. 711193 July 19 23:47 GBR Sorry, was flagging. Just that I want to have a go at new rules!
Bit slow I know but do Mike and Cliff know eachother. If so, in what capacity. Innocent question. (In case anyone thinks this is blasphemous)
roomwithaview
Comment No. 711203 July 20 0:00 GBR The view from...the other side.
'...having spoken for the third time at a Conservative conference...' -I'm sorry David old chap; I've asked him three times already to shut up, but he just keeps ranting on about bendies. I think he's trying to score some drugs or something. You don't have any handy at the moment to send him on his way do you ?
'...and have spent a great deal of time at Westminster over the last six months.' -Who is that hairy twat that's been hanging around the House for the last few months ? He's giving me the creeps ! -The copper outside the tube reckon's he's harmless. They've already checked him out. Settle down for goodness sake.
'Initially it was to be a telephone vote for the whole of London...' -That sod from Big L Radio station has just cancelled,at the eleventh hour, that 08 number we specially went to all that trouble to set up for him. You know that one with the bank transfers to the Caymans. Bloody swine, I'm still going to bill him.
'...and have discussed the mayoral situation with his charming father, Stanley ' - But Stanley, do you not think it somewhat brazen of that ageing hippy to say that his being the underground sort of brains behind Boris' brawn is what will clinch it ? And what's more the very thought of them selling themselves as the black-and-white-hair-motley-crew in order to appeal to the hoodies just gives me shivers up my spine. Oh ,I feel I must sit down.How am I going to break this to the children?
'I've spoken to lots of young kids in gangs or "crews" as they prefer to be known and most want to get out of a way of life that gives them nothing.' - Am no traana dis yuz ma bra's, but da honky didsay 'fweez vote faw him, heezgunna gives time in da stew joe, 'n spin ow disc faw 'tlease a week, no damean yawl, huh ?
'Build extensive underground car parks. Put all car parking underground. I've discussed this with major developers and it's feasible.' -So this nutter ask's me if I think he looks like a young David Bowie and then says he wants to excavate under the whole of London to make a giant three-level parking bay.Of course I just said to him: Look,why don't you think more along the lines of putting the dozers over the top, put the buildings underground, convert the tubes into trams ( he liked that ,'cause it got rid of the bendies he said...yeah, I know,... anyway..)convert the railways into parking lots and make Hyde Park into the biggest concert venue on earth. He just went off muttering about having to discuss it with his mate Boris something or other to see if it was feasible.
'I've had discussions with the Football Association ' - So this nutter comes in and says it all started off wiff an idea about underground parking and pushing coppers down the tubes or sumfink ,but now he sees the light and the whole city can be turned into parks and football pitches yeah. I told him I was right behind him as I showed him to the lift. Security made sure he left the building and I told them to keep a close eye on him and call the ol' Bill if he comes back.
'Let's train traffic wardens to exercise common sense...' - So dis white dude comes up to me like and sez ;'Howzit hangin'y'all, where's da crew ?'An' den he sez I must have common sense and give less tickets so da man in da Rolls can reap da rewardz for his hard work like. And I sez if I give less fines I get less money for to feed my wife and six kids like. So he sez I shouldn't be hittin' doze rich muvvas with my stealth tax like! I shoulda hit him wit my camera mon.
'I'll be available, if needed, to help Boris raise London's spirit and profile and become London mayor.'
-'Dear readers : This is a late correction to the final sentence of my article entitled 'I'm backing Boris ',which should be appearing in the Guardian online. My apologies.The online editor didn't have time to go online and do a check.
That sentence should Read as follows : ( I know it's just a little flaw, but these things can sometimes turn out to be significant ):
'I'll be available, if needed, to help Boris , raise London's spirit and profile , and become London mayor.'
Be cool yawl ! Mr.MR '
AllyF
Comment No. 711212 July 20 0:06 GBR deb1... I know what you mean about the new rules. I've been working very hard at 'playing the ball, not the man.'
Indeed, I'm thinking of setting up coaching sessions for fellow Ciffers. I've had discussions with the Football Association who are behind my idea. Several professional footballers have agreed to be ambassadors and a wealthy and private concern would be happy to get involved with the FA and me on establishing the blueprint for this.
AllyF
Comment No. 711214 July 20 0:06 GBR deb1... I know what you mean about the new rules. I've been working very hard at 'playing the ball, not the man.'
Indeed, I'm thinking of setting up coaching sessions for fellow Ciffers. I've had discussions with the Football Association who are behind my idea. Several professional footballers have agreed to be ambassadors and a wealthy and private concern would be happy to get involved with the FA and me on establishing the blueprint for this.
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 711222 July 20 0:12 GBR Deb1 - I draw your attention to this post by GreenLake:
"As a wedding gift, some friends of mine gave me and the new missus a book, the title of which I forget, that listed what Cliff Richard was doing on every single day from 1958 to 1993. The "editor" of this tome? Step forward one Michael "Smashy" Read."
Every bloody day! Plus he wrote a musical about him.
I ask you.
misharialadwani
Comment No. 711229 July 20 0:16 GBR @ItIsFeasible-Your heart-felt plea moved me deeply,(removes onion from pocket),I wept,I tell you,wept bitter salt,(as opposed to the other kind),tears..it is with blurred vision,(not helped by a visit to the pub),that I pen,(archaic usage),this missive,(wanky word for letter).You're right,hombre,(showing off command of Spanish),we have reached a crucial juncture,(necessary pomposity),the fate of future generations,(absurd exaggeration),the fate of the kiddies,the innocent little kiddies,(pile on maudlin slop,cue "Hearts and Flowers" on wonky violin),let's do it for them,because,(reaching emotional crescendo,audience is hosed down with warm treacle),they are the future..(as opposed to the past)... To re-cap..Mike Read is the groovemeister,a hepcat who's down with the kid's,who is personally familiar with many popular beat combos and has a plan.A meisterplan,if you will,that bids fair to release us from the thrall of Evil Red Ken,(boo-hiss),and his Newt worshiping minions.This is a worthy,nay,heroic,endeavor.Let us join together in this crusade against the crazed,blood quaffing acolytes of the Newt God.Courage,my friends,courage...
deb1
Comment No. 711246 July 20 0:29 GBR AllyF
"playing the ball but not the man" Didn't get that bit.
ItIsFeasible
"Deb1 - I draw your attention to this post by GreenLake:
"As a wedding gift, some friends of mine gave me and the new missus a book, the title of which I forget, that listed what Cliff Richard was doing on every single day from 1958 to 1993. The "editor" of this tome? Step forward one Michael "Smashy" Read."
But it's just innuendo. (playing by blog rules now) .
Probably won't make 1K but that's ok.
Notgullible
Comment No. 711251 July 20 0:36 GBR There's something quite strangehappening here. I keep coming back for an update. Some of these are real gems.
I think it's the delight of finding a real life Alan Partridge (though, unfortunately, if you listen to certain talk radio shows, Mike speaks for a lot of sub-cabbie Neanderthal knuckle scrapers out there).
In years to come children will not only say where were you when you first heard Kennedy had been shot? or Diana had died? But now also - Where were you when you first heard of of Mike Read's early outlines for the forthcoming era of Boris-ism?
LondonFido
Comment No. 711265 July 20 0:53 GBR Amazing - you're all still at it - olympian blogging. I stand (well sit really) in awe of your stamina and wit. Unfortunately I won't be around for a day or two, so will miss the end of this most distinguised thread.
I end with the traditional BluePrint Prayer - "May all your Miscreants for ever be Sealed from Exits and your Traffic Wardens be Endowed with Common Sense - When the great Read Thread passeth 1,000 posts so shall the Bendy Buses be Forever Cast into Realm of Underground along with the Great KenNewt who will be Smitten by Boris - for it is Written - IT IS FEASIBLE"
misharialadwani
Comment No. 711269 July 20 0:56 GBR @roomwithaview-great stuff-been hiding your light under a bushel,have you ? @deb1-AllyF was referring to a post by a knucklehead called Dennis1832 early in the thread that advised us "bitter lefties" to "play the ball,not the man"..so we did..and the book is NOT innuendo.I just Googled it.It's called The Cliff Richard Chronicle and is exactly as GreenLake described. Words fail me...As Kurtz said,"..the horror,he horror".
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 711280 July 20 1:05 GBR Wait! Stop! It's a fix! It's all a setup!
I'm trying to displace from writing a research paper, so I had a gaze through all (700+) the comments.
I am willing to wager at least 53p that this is some sort of elaborate anthropology experiment engineered by Hairymary. Or maybe the shadow of Markgreen0 lurks in the background; while we post away merrily, the Neo-con apologists are coming through the windows! Run!
Notice the dissenting posts run at intervals throughout, until the blog reaches "critical mass" and explodes in a hail of biblical references and jibes about mullets. We could power a small underground car park with that sort of energy release.
It has also come to my attention that there's no way we're going to get 200-odd posts in 11.5 hours. Shame on you all. My Churchillian rhetoric was for nothing, was it?
Bunch of lefty salad-munching hat-wearing tossers...
Notgullible
Comment No. 711292 July 20 1:13 GBR A bit of a tangent.
Every so often something hits you in life and causes a profound change in your attitudes and views - I'm sorry but I can't get this out of my mind - Did Richard Branson really say that Cliff's Batchelor Boy was his all-time favourite song? (misharialadwani July 19 22:05).
His favourite? His all-time favourite? ALL-TIME favourite!?? ALL-TIME?? Garlick bread!?
There must be thousands of beautiful, melodic, rich, moving, deep, uplifting, truly wonderful songs in the world, And he picks Batchelor Boy? For crying out loud!
What's his favourite colour - beige?
cynicalsteve
Comment No. 711306 July 20 1:35 GBR Mike Read's hair should stand for Mayor He'd phase out crime (just give him time). Those bendy buses? Not for us! Is Parking tough? Not good enough! He'll make it work (he drives a Merc....) And as for sport, then what we ought To do is use the young kids' crews To give them hope (instead of dope). What's the problem? Should we fob them Off with Ken? Oh, not again.... He has a plan; he is the man Who thinks that Boris is the coruscating Walter Mitty of the city; I fear he's right....I'll vote Steve Wright Before I'll dare to vote for Mike Read's hair....
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 711308 July 20 1:37 GBR I'm going to bed (after I put the bins out, which are emptied every week and are untroubled by miscreants - never shirk an opportunity for some political point-scoring) but I look forward to any and all overnight posts.
It's like waiting for Santa Claus, except that Santa's got a real mean streak and is heartily ridiculing a shaggy-haired man who used to be famous.
arabjew
Comment No. 711322 July 20 2:07 GBR Itisfeasible
non CIF members can vote, but have to fill in a form and knowing how apathetic folk can be I believe this would, for me, narrow any chance of getting 1000 posts. its just not feasible
night
Spensor
Comment No. 711332 July 20 2:31 GBR It is feasible that many here are unaware that Mike Read was at Radio One at (admittedly the tail end of) the time when its DJs bestrode the Earth like Collosussusses. Between 1967 and (tosses coin, guesses) 1986, to be a "name" DJ on Radio One meant you were actually very famous. This former fame, combined with the fact that your job consists of saying the first thing that comes into your head before introducing Tenament Steps by The Motors or whatever, is what has driven all these old stagers mad. I got in the car the other day to find that my partner had retuned the radio to Tragic FM, and bloody Simon Bates was on! Doing Our Tune! With the suicide-inducing music and everything! Yeah, verily the Old Gods have returned, and they are not happy. We must hide. Possibly underground.
Dromedary
Comment No. 711339 July 20 2:43 GBR and still you carry on. Even in the middle of the night. Haven't you got better things to do ? Shouldn't the blog be closed by now ? It's gone on long enough. Surely CiF moderators can do this. I've had discussions with major web site developers and they've agreed that it is possible.
Dedhedsays
Comment No. 711342 July 20 2:45 GBR It is feasible, and I've discussed this with many bendy buses, that the deranged garbagarial ramblings of the delusional Read might actually be the first stage of a carefully orchestrated plot (with the backing of the FA and many influential political figures, rapists, murderers, paedophiles and an all singing, dancing, poetry loving underground crew of delinquent traffic wardens) to engineer a comeback.
From obscure pratt to not quite so obscure source of hilarity for the nation in these difficult times.
A blueprint already exists, should these comments reach the magic 1000, to have the talking clown installed, not as mayor, but as Boris Johnson's codpiece.
Relax, Mike, your secret plan is safe with us.
roomwithaview
Comment No. 711374 July 20 3:58 GBR Just been wandering through the streets of London looking for some civilised society to threaten, but couldn't find any for the rapists, murderers and paedophiles all over the place. 'Wait till Boris sees you', I thought.' He'll have you acting, dancing,writing, making music and practising for the Olympics in less time than it takes to find an unlicenced taxi.' That's when I hopped onto my bendy,electric parking meter, went straight past the 'filter alternately'junction, made a quick souvenir stop at the positively negative (or negatively positive ; depends if you approach from the left or the right)London flag ,and that's when I noticed that my computer had decided not to stand for London mayor in case Conservative party members urged it into making more usage of the Thames. At this stage it went into a loop and so I am going to have to pull the plug on it. Ta for the kind words misharialadwani ; you've given us all some good laughs, as have so many posters on this thread. Been a hoot ! I think MR should set up a string of comedy clubs through the capital. He sure knows how to provide the material. It goes without saying that there are,of course, countless suggestions I could make as to how to get to the 1000 mark, but due to limited space,I'll have to settle for one. Let everyone at least just leave a comment reassuring us that they've decided not to stand as mayor of London. (Boris and crew excepted ).
roomwithaview
Comment No. 711395 July 20 4:50 GBR That's when I notice the dreaded repetition of that's when I... ( Pass the Tippex ! )Oh well, helps me do my bit towards the worthy cause of hitting a 1000 posts for no other reason than ...what was the reason again ? I've decided not to stand as mayor...I'd prefer to sit. Must have been said already in those 800 odd (some very odd ) posts. HairyMcMary,how about sharing some more of those fascinating tribal insights. Let me have a stab.You're the eldest daughter of a Celtic,on one side at least,parent.Fiercely independent and not very confident about your looks, but superconfident in all other respects.You are very conservative at heart ,but push yourself out of your comfort zone in order to be accepted by a wider community than the boring bunch of old farts in whose company you are very relaxed, but bored to death. You have a burning wish to put your not inconsiderable talents to use in the service of the least fortunate amongst humanity,but haven't boarded a plane yet to take you to East Timor or Uganda or somewhere you could make a difference and find your true love at the same time. Ciao ! Buon giorno, buona gente.
TimFootman
Comment No. 711432 July 20 6:11 THA Dear Mike Read, I wish to remove stale odours from my curtains. Would that be febrezable?
davidabsalom
Comment No. 711441 July 20 6:26 GBR "The Liz Kershaw Show, transmitted in 2005/6 on BBC 6 Music
In pre-recorded programmes, presented as if they were live, a competition was announced which appeared to feature genuine listeners phoning in to take part, one of whom would win a prize on air. In fact, in recorded programmes, there were no competitions or prizes and all the callers were actually members of the production team and their friends." The Guardian
Mike, now that you've given up your mayoral ambitions, I urge you to return to the BBC where your integrity and MOR playlist are sorely needed.
Fray
Comment No. 711457 July 20 7:04 Thanks to everyone above, it has been a pleasure, I have laughed my socks and shoes off, in the past days. I have joined the last ditch effort to reach the magic 1,000. I have abandoned the role of lurker/reader and come out as a joiner/blogger.
I petition the Guardian, to have a spoof article twice a week, so we can join together and have a good laugh. I admit to feeling guilty about ganging up on Mike but it was a hilarious article (?spoof).
Cheers to all Fray
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 711487 July 20 7:38 GBR Dear Mike
Where were you when Ealing Southall needed you?! Your towering intellect and talent, your clear (and feasible) grasp on what London needs would have clinched the election for the Tories. Shame on you Mikey.
It's too early to think of anything particularly witty... so that's it for now.
Mwahaha
Comment No. 711512 July 20 7:58 GBR Well I just think it's a disgrace that with Tony Blairs barely cold in his grave these no-marks are scrabbling to get their claws on his job in the mayoral situation. I shall be boycotting Eastenders and baby lotion until they come to their senses.
SirJonDanger0us
Comment No. 711523 July 20 8:07 GBR Over the last couple of years I've played 5-a-side football twice and influential and sporting figures have been trying to persuade me to enter the world cup. However, I've decided to put my weight behind the team that can win it - Albania.
I'd like to see them really cracking down on persistent fouling and show that there is no place for broken glass, razor wire and antipersonnel mines on the football pitch.
Having spoken to young midfielders - or inside-rights as they prefer to be known - I know a lot of them would love to get out of diving. Get in there - and teach them to dance.
Cut down on congestion in the penalty area by allowing all players and fans in there all the time. Sell them the Thames. Put all football stadia underground. Underground I tell you. I've spoken to Major Tom and it's feasible. I have the blueprints for a vast underground lair ready to go. Soon the socceral situation will tremble beneath my feat. Look upon my 35 books and many musicals and despair! Foolish mortals, bow to your overlord!
Neilyneil
Comment No. 711527 July 20 8:11 GBR A cynic might say that there is too much predjudice nowadays against murderers. Murdering is often a deeply held belief. Now some types of murdering are wrong, but think for a moment - it's feasible. If it wasn't for these people the whole country would be overrun with mice and chickens.
berdo
Comment No. 711535 July 20 8:16 GBR I haven't got anything new about MIKE READ to tell you, but I just had a nice omlette, with blue cheese. It was cheeseable.
Inthecorner
Comment No. 711545 July 20 8:23 GBR Apparently, Mike Read has decided not to press charges in the honours for cash scandal.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 711556 July 20 8:32 GBR Mike Read's 'Collaborating with the Dead' project lives! (so to speak)
http://www.thecemeteryproject.com/index.htm
A site run by one Mr Michael Reed! (Read, surely)
hairymary
Comment No. 711557 July 20 8:33 GBR roomwithaview : "... not very confident about your looks".
You bastard I have reported you to Georgina for anti-transgender hate-crime-speak I suppose you think it's easy being called hairymary it's so bloody patriarchal round here.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 711558 July 20 8:33 GBR Does Mike Read have a dog? Would it be fleasible?
Fray
Comment No. 711559 July 20 8:34 BGR This article on reading it again, is still a huge laugh. Did anyone proof read it at all before it being up loaded?. I still think it must be a spoof, to see if we the readers would take the bait and believe it to be true.
As this thread will close soon, what is the plan for the next poetry reading, Top 40 compilation and Cliff worship blog. What talent has been hidden, which only the magic word "feasible" could free from the genie bottle.
Where and what will we do with our weekend and will we actually get any work gone next week?
Discuss
nomdeplum
Comment No. 711600 July 20 8:58 GBR Dear Mike
Due to a miscalculation I have grown far too many raspberries on my allotment. I know you talk to many influential figures, so can you tell me - are they freezable?
berdo
Comment No. 711606 July 20 9:03 GBR Ah, I get it, hairymary is a parody of MSWoman!
So did someone make the Mike for Mayor Facebook group, I can't find it..
notmelphilips
Comment No. 711611 July 20 9:08 GBR I'm truly impressed by the stamina and inventiveness of the night shift and whilst I have nothing substantive to add to what must now be the most deconstructed not to say discredited piece of text ever written, I offer this post as a contribution to what I fear is looking the increasingly unfeasible 1000 campaign.
benhameen
Comment No. 711624 July 20 9:11 TWN NEWSFLASH Mike Read has decided against asking for his old Radio 1 spot back.
Neilyneil
Comment No. 711631 July 20 9:14 andrewthomas100 "Whatever you think about Mike Read, he had a successful media career"
Oh alright then. Anyone who says that probably hasn't *heard* The trainspotters single.
Don't forget about his propelling dreary tedious Frankie Goes to Hollywood into the charts so that we were forced to listen to it for yonks. 'Oooh look at us, we're so cutting edge we wrote a long boring song about gay Sex'. It was like Punk never happened.
Time for your bath now. You can have a walk around the grounds later.
misharialadwani
Comment No. 711652 July 20 9:23 GBR If Mike goes bankrupt surely his assets would be seizable. God knows,he's eminently teasable . You know,henceforward,whenever I bump into one of the Feasible Crew on another thread,I'll feel honour-bound to side with them..We have forged an unbreakable bond,we happy few,(do you realize the spell-checker is set to US spelling?What the fug's going on,Moderators?)...Yes,we've been in the trenches together,we went over the top together,many's the time we shared our last joke.We fought him on the beaches,we fought him in the hills,we never gave up.Hot lead and cold steel,we went though hell together.And where is the threat of Readism now?Consigned to the dustbin of history,a spent force,a broken reed.Never have so many owed so much to so few.A grateful nation salutes you.Your Victoria Cross and Bar and Grill should arrive by next post. P.S @NotGullible-Hard to believe,no? I wish I could remember where it was,but I think it was one of those 1 page Q&A things they do in the Sunday supplements.I disliked Branson before that,but afterwards.I became convinced he is Satan's emissary on Earth.
dite
Comment No. 711656 July 20 9:25 GBR I have some dead poets - would they be freezable?
Catch22
Comment No. 711668 July 20 9:31 GBR Come on people only a few more hours to go. I fear some are flagging. Lets get to 1000.
Its a shame Mike couldn't have stood in Sedgefield, I'm sure the Tories would have won that one. It was surely feasible.
@Mishari - Sabah il-heir. Fear not I am not a stalker. I just know where that building is, I like to comment risibly everytime I pass it about the hideous fuschia pink stick thingy or if you like read arrangement in the windows.
Thanks for the laughs folks.
I fear this will be my last comment on this thread I have to go somewhere with no internet. I may be sometime....
zangdook
Comment No. 711695 July 20 9:42 GBR Fray "Did anyone proof read it at all before it being up loaded?"
Come on, it's the Grauniad!
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 711712 July 20 9:49 GBR Why can't I post on here??? Of course, if you see this post you'll be thinking 'er, you can.' But I've been trying to post for the last hour... nothing coming up.
Dear Mike
I woke up this morning to find a miscreant sealed up my nose... is it sneezable?
(and then I had a fantastic list of people who aren't entering Mike's Mayoral Situation... maybe try again later)
japan
Comment No. 711716 July 20 9:52 GBR so it draws towards it's inevitable close and whilst we may all be feeling sadness, there is a ray of light (i thought it was a policeman at first, but no...) at the end of this tunnel - a one-off souvenir opportunity like no other. one of us can purchase, for the minimal sum of eight english pounds only, wait for it.... a SIGNED COPY of "Mike Read's Musical Reciter". In which he recites. Go get it someone - i would myself, but appear to be sealed in some sort of tube.
claphamleft
Comment No. 711727 July 20 9:54 GBR Victoria Line closed this morning - undergound car parks on the line - thanks Mike
thisismycreed
Comment No. 711728 July 20 9:55 GBR Isn't the weather horrible? (822)
deepblue
Comment No. 711735 July 20 9:56 FRA Dite
... and I some dead chinchillas. Would they be freezable?
Neilyneil
Comment No. 711739 July 20 9:58 "explore more usage of the Thames"
Yes. It's only been travelled on and floated on, drank, used as a sewer and cooled buildings and power stations. Basically, it's only really already been used as a River. Let's think of other things to do with it. Actually, that's quite difficult. Because it's a river.
Maybe we could let Tories swim up and down it in February. A 'short sharp shock'. Thier own idea.
Tories that would say that there is no such thing as society and then shut mental wards and release all of the troubled people they can think of into a caring society they said didn't exist, and act all surprised about it, and say things 20 years down the line like 'lets not have murders and things like that anymore, they are bad and nasty, woo'
BrianGriffen
Comment No. 711748 July 20 10:01 GBR Got to beat Hobson... Got to beat Hobson...
berdo
Comment No. 711750 July 20 10:02 GBR Umm...
moook
Comment No. 711767 July 20 10:10 GBR Morning all.
I was thinking of selling my house - but then thought agen. Perhaps it's leasible?
I'll get me coat...
andrewthomas100
Comment No. 711768 July 20 10:10 GBR Neilyneil: "andrewthomas100 "Whatever you think about Mike Read, he had a successful media career"
Oh alright then. Anyone who says that probably hasn't *heard* The trainspotters single."
I do remember "High Rise" and I thought it was a blinking catchy pop song, actually. The guy has an ear for a decent, melodic song.
Mswoman
Comment No. 711770 July 20 10:11 GBR berdo - "Ah, I get it, hairymary is a parody of MSWoman!"
No berdo, I am beyond parody :)
hairymary
Comment No. 711773 July 20 10:12 GBR Achtung you lot, Georgina doesn't like trivial banter, it is "worrying" and "unproductive". Please get back to proper ISSUES.
Berdo : blue cheese for Breakfast? you cannot be serious.
dite
Comment No. 711777 July 20 10:14 GBR No mention in Mike's manifesto of where he stands on the hot topic of Barry Quinnell's photographs:
freia
Comment No. 711783 July 20 10:16 GBR Sod this, I have literally nothing to say, but want to throw myself behind the attempt to get this blog to 1000. I salute you all for the snorting-tea-out-of-my-nose-with-laughter happiness you have brought to my last three days. If this improved quality of life is symptomatic of a Tory DJ-led London, then I'll be backing Mike Read.
davidabsalom
Comment No. 711788 July 20 10:17 GBR Before this thead is finally closed, I have a question for Mike.
I recently bought some ketchup in one of those new-fangled plastic bottles. Since you know major developeers engineers and other important people who would know, can you find out "Is it squeezable?"
PetetheTree
Comment No. 711789 July 20 10:17 GBR Mike and Boris should share the job - one can be the Day Mayor, and the other can be the Night Mayor... oh, hang on, they both would be. Or they could be put out to grass. I've spoken to many major agriculturalists, and apparently it would please a bull.
bluetuliproseread
Comment No. 711798 July 20 10:22 GBR Taxi for Moook!
I've updated Mike's profile on Wikipedia to reveal his personal status as "confirmed bachelor". I found the whole process pleasable.
PetetheTree
Comment No. 711801 July 20 10:22 GBR Mike and Boris should share the job - one can be the Day Mayor, and the other can be the Night Mayor... oh, hang on, they both would be. Or they could be put out to grass. I've spoken to many major agriculturalists, and apparently it would please a bull.
InternetFact
Comment No. 711812 July 20 10:26 GBR I've asked Mike whether he would support the mayoral campaign of a thoroughly unlikeable British actor who has starred in absolutely nothing of note except Mariah Carey's film 'Glitter'. He told me this plan was MaxBeesleyable.
Fishbulb
Comment No. 711819 July 20 10:30 All said and done, Mike Read is really just a modern day Socrates - both men deeply concerned by what is feasible and what is not.
Let's not forget that Socrates used to go and hang out with troubled boys, encouraging them to act, dance, write and sing. Like Mike, Socrates had his finger on the nub of youth. Let's not make the same mistake the Ancient Greeks made, eh?
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 711822 July 20 10:31 GBR Ahh! We're doomed. We have to get about one post per minute to make the magic 1000 - that's a helluva run rate. Very, very impressed with the night shift though. Such courage in the darkest hours.
I was in a rage this morning that I thought would never stop - but someone came along and calmed me down no end.
Turned out I was appeasable.
Neilyneil
Comment No. 711828 July 20 10:32 "I do remember "High Rise" and I thought it was a blinking catchy pop song"
Mr T, you are a Lovely person, but theres no need to swear like that! It's this kind of yobbishness that Boris and Mike are trying to combat. People that use profanities so freely might need a bit more self respect, possibly get a job doing something you can be proud of in one of the many industries the Tories worked so hard to support.
Quick run along now with Julian Dick and Anne, and drink your ginger beer later, Timmy the Dog thinks there be smugglers afoot in that old abandoned manufacturing industry.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 711840 July 20 10:36 GBR Mike, these sports fields you'll be putting underground, perhaps we could surround them with very tall plants... it would be treesible.
berdo
Comment No. 711842 July 20 10:37 GBR Mary, it was lovely! Try it.
MSWoman - lol! :)
arabjew
Comment No. 711845 July 20 10:39 GBR Mike, i've spoken to many influential and political figures about your chances of winning the mayoral situation should you choose to reenter the race, and guess what? it's breezable
(sorry)
btw, 'many influential AND political figures' hahaha just noticed that
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 711846 July 20 10:39 GBR Mike, these sports fields you'll be putting underground, perhaps we could surround them with very tall plants... it would be treesible.
Perhaps Mike could get an ex-Python to back Boris... it would be Cleeseable.
PS. it's not easy getting to 1000 when the CiF techie people can't even get this sodding website to work properly. I've tried dozens of times to get posts up this morning... load crap.
arabjew
Comment No. 711848 July 20 10:40 GBR Mike, i've spoken to many influential and political figures about your chances of winning the mayoral situation should you choose to reenter the race, and guess what? it's breezable
(sorry)
btw, 'many influential AND political figures' hahaha just noticed that
dammit itisfeasible, i was about to use that one!
uncletoby
Comment No. 711849 July 20 10:40 GBR Get in there... bumping this thread up to 1000 must be an option, but is it feasible?
sergeantfox
Comment No. 711851 July 20 10:41 GBR Socrates? I thought Mike had already tried to collaborate with a more recent dead scientist, but there was an argument, as ever, about one-off or multiple payments. Mike had been heard shouting over the phone "It's fees, Hubble!"
Coat fetched...
misharialadwani
Comment No. 711853 July 20 10:42 GBR REUTERS-London,July 30,2007 A huge explosion in Central London today rocked the Capital.Specialist terrorist teams raced to the site of the blast and discovered the remains of what appeared to be a home-made cannon fashioned from metal dustbins.Also found at the scene were two severely injured men,later identified as Disc Jockeys,David Hamilton,76,and Mike Read,73.Both were rushed to Guys Hospital where their condition is described as serious but stable. Speaking from his Hospital bed,Mr.Read said,"It was for chariddy,you know,for the kiddies.One of my callers on FabRadioFrinton said she was going to ask the Pope to cannonize me and I said,why wait ? I'm a huge,huge fan of the guy,I mean His Holiness,grade guy,lovely man,grade liddle mover,smashing,poptastic dresses,mate,infallible,anyway,me and Diddy constructed a cannon out of old metal dustbins,we had a blueprint,and we downloaded an explosives recipe from the internet.We decided to cannonize me across The Thames,it's a new use for the river,to cannonize me from St.Paul's Cathedral To The Tate Gallery.I reckon we overdid the explosives,mate..Diddy lit the touch paper and I woke up here.But I'm game for another go.I'm more aerodynamic now." A spokesman for The London Fire Brigade said,"The explosion was tremendous,the facade of St.Paul's will need a lot of work.Mr.Hamilton's face was removed by the blast and we recovered three of Mr.Read's limbs.A leg from Bermondsey Market,another leg from on top of The Tate Gallery and an arm from the courtyard of The George Inn on Borough High St. We think Mr.Read's other arm fell in The Thames." A Vatican spokesman said today that His Holiness would remember Mr.Read and Mr.Hamilton in his prayers.The Metroplitan Police are deciding if charges should be brought against the two men.
wiredandtired
Comment No. 711858 July 20 10:44 GBR "create a London laureate to extol the virtues of the city in song and verse and encourage more of the colourful fabric of London to come through"
Surely in any sane world, on the strength of his posting at 9.37pm , the redoubtable if rarely sober FilthyMacNasty is the man for the job?
nomdeplum
Comment No. 711886 July 20 10:52 GBR Ah. Crikey.
Er. Boris here. Look, in the..ah...light of the splendid ideas Mike has put...er...forth here, I think I should, as it were...ah...take my boater back out of the ring.
Cripes. I'll be backing...er...Mikey here and I'd like to thank him for his...ah...encouragement to Get in there with young people. I'll be...ah...trying to get in to a couple of young fillies tonight as it happens, so tally-ho.
PetetheTree
Comment No. 711887 July 20 10:53 GBR Is Mike sure that the Underground is Policeable?
dite
Comment No. 711893 July 20 10:54 GBR Given that so many posters have laughed at Mike, surely this means he's extremely teasable?
AllyF
Comment No. 711897 July 20 10:54 GBR One final collaboration to help with mission 1000:
Mike collaborates with WH Auden
"Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone Prevent the rapists raping with a juicy bone Silence the 'crews' with ballet classes Tell Frankie to never Relax their asses.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning in the air Scribbling on the sky the message 'Boris for Mayor' Put crepe bows round the white necks of public doves Let the cop by the tube station wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, My South, my East my West On 275, though 285 was best My breakfast, my supper, my Top 40 of song I thought that love would last forever. I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now, put out every one Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun Pour away the ocean and weep into your hand Until mighty the Readie promises to stand."
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 711901 July 20 10:55 GBR If it would be Cleeseable to get the ex-Python... perhaps get his former on-screen wife to back Boris too... even if she wanted cash, it would only be fees-cybil (apologies to the Hubble gag... )
MoLurgan
Comment No. 711902 July 20 10:56 GBR Maybe there is something a little OCD about trying to hit the thousand mark, anyhow, not wishing to be disagreeable here's my bit to make it achievable.
deepblue
Comment No. 711907 July 20 10:56 FRA I also have decided not to stand as Mayor.
Some of you may feel that this is because my residence in France disqualifies me. Not a bit of it. Since when did residence (or the lack of it) disqualify a politician from standing in any constituency?
No, after reading Mike's blog, I have decided to stand aside in favour of my Labrador dog (who, of course, I will be backing) as I feel that he is eminently qualified for the post for the following reasons:
- he is totally ignorant of the problems of modern day traffic; - he's a great supporter of sport and, in addition, a star himself with a ball; - he can sniff out micreants and the persistantly anti-social in a moment; - he has many contacts who will be only too willing to block tube exits at little cost to the overtaxed hard working traders of the city; - being black he can empathise with krew members; - unlike his cousin who helps David Blunket he has little experience of the corridors of power but is sure that, like him, he can learn; - he advocates more use of the Thames by the creation of canine swimming lanes as an alternative to pavements from Westminster to Tower Bridge; this, he feels will contribute to a cleaner city; - he doesn't yet have a chinchilla haircut like his mongrel step-sister but is now trying hard to grow one.
Vote Tenny!
moook
Comment No. 711915 July 20 10:59 GBR *creeps back in, tail between legs*
Just would like to point out the bizarre 'trick photo' on the Wikipedia site, which I don't think anyone's mentioned yet.
What is with that? Maybe it isn't a fake. Maybe there are TWO Mike Reads.
We need to be told the truth!
BrianGriffen
Comment No. 711917 July 20 11:01 GBR Seeing as we're coming to the end, I think it only fitting that we have an awards ceremony.
My nominaion for best post goes to nickproctor for his inspired work on July 17 6:15 PM
Threadtime achievement award for services to feasibility goes to misharialadwani
Mwahaha
Comment No. 711936 July 20 11:06 GBR Mike, your eyebrows look a bit unruly; not uncommon in a man of your age. You may be tempted to get them waxed, but I've spoken to major beauticians and
(altogether now)
they're tweezable
daddy0marcos
Comment No. 711952 July 20 11:11 GBR It can be revealed that in an effort to raise London's profile, Mike Read has been in discussion with developers to turn St Paul's Cathedral into an underground venue for an acapella version of the Sir Cliff musical, to be staged for the benefit of nurses, tourists and theatre goers etc.
When asked about the plans, Mr Read said "they are entirely cheesable".
However, he dismissed suggestions that this might be performed by Frankie Goes To Hollywood as "dereasible".
Mangog
Comment No. 711953 July 20 11:11 GBR Noooooooooooooooo! This thing can't STILL be going! I cannae stands no more!
Whispers: 'Pop Quiz'
Ahh. Feel much better now!
The Mangog has spoken.
Ithangyow..
gryff
Comment No. 711968 July 20 11:17 CAN "explore more usage of the Thames"
The possible reintroduction of 'Ducking Stools' along the Thames ... with one close to the Houses of Parliament.
On a daily basis politicians, football coaches, reporters, bloggers and others could compete for medals of rusty iron, corroded copper and lead. Candidates for the competition could be chosen by a 'Truth Finder General' appointed by the Mayor of London. Survivors .. er .. winners would be based on not just surviving but also the style points awarded for the effort.
Every four weeks maybe a World Championship which could attract people from around the world ... and I'm sure it would "encourage more of the colourful fabric of London to come through." (I suggest 4 weeks as 4 years would lead to to many competitors.)
One limitation though ... no Bush/Blair, spin doctors and their cronies as they are believed to use some performance enhancing drugs that totally destroy the ability to distinguish fact from fiction.
I'm sure its feasible.
gryff :)
roomwithaview
Comment No. 711969 July 20 11:18 GBR @ thisismycreed post 711728 the 'weather underground' isn't !
notmelphilips
Comment No. 711973 July 20 11:18 GBR Apparently there have been complaints about the treatment Mike read has received on this thread: some people just aren't pleasable.
Seafield
Comment No. 711974 July 20 11:18 GBR some of the jokes on this thread are now bordering on being treasonable...
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 711982 July 20 11:21 GBR AllyF - For some reason the prevention of rape through the artful application of meat products made me laugh like a drain. Thanks!
I'd like to second the nomination of Misharialadwani for Feasibility Tzar, with honourable mentions to whathavetheydone, Catch-22, SirJohnDanger0us and many others for creating one of the greatest interactive comedy moments ever.
Benulek, for me, wins one-liner of the thread - his commandment about crabs made me weep with joy.
There's just over an hour left, people. Let's go down in a blaze of puns and glory. It's a perfectly feasible way to go.
InternetFact
Comment No. 711991 July 20 11:22 GBR I've also spoken to Mike abouth the possibility of twinning London with some Scottish towns. He tells me this is Dumfriesable.
Marvelment
Comment No. 712004 July 20 11:29 GBR The Mayoral Situation surely isn't a big enough platform for Mike Read's talents, maybe he could decide not to be a middle east envoy too - it's Condaleezable.
Stumpysheep's 'Valley of the shadow of death' still my favourite, but this has been, quite feasibly, a blast.
paulhs
Comment No. 712007 July 20 11:30
Anyone else spotted Mike's Subliminal influence on the guardian. I noticed that the Robin Cook debates are mentioned just above the link to this bog. Are these debates a series of collaborations between Mike Read and other dead politicians - can't wait for the Charles de Gaulle one to see if Mike can master the French accent.
OR
is the Guardian giving negative subliminal hints to us, hence "I'm Backing Boris" next to "A Malicious campaign" its all there in red and white.
(Yes, OK, I'm just trying to bump the total up to 1000)
Neilyneil
Comment No. 712008 July 20 11:31 Speaking of Frinton where Mr Read is, we had to measure the crumbling cliffs there as part of a thoroughly enjoyable school geography project, longer than I care to mention ago. I didn't think it would be useful till today.
We were trying to work out, is the ScreeStable?
nomdeplum
Comment No. 712018 July 20 11:34 GBR Mike, face it, your ideas are bullsh.... no. Wait. They're faeces (bull)
bluetuliproseread
Comment No. 712020 July 20 11:35 GBR I had to leave Mike as his hair was unreasonable.
Once I accepted this our relationship became unfeasible.
Please go to facebook.
moook
Comment No. 712024 July 20 11:36 GBR AllyF does this so much better than me, but I had to have a go:
A Collaboration with Philip Larkin
This Be The Verse
They fuck you up, the bendy buses. They take facilities from your 'crew'. They seal the Tube with miscreants And add some paedos, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn The Congestion Charge sticks in their throats, Encouraging rapists' sticky sperm And less usage of the Thames, by boats.
Ken hands on misery to man, It deepens like underground parking Vote Boris, with Mike just behind, If you don't, it's feasible you're barking.
It doesn't exactly make sense, but hell, I never let that get in the way of a post.
misharialadwani
Comment No. 712026 July 20 11:36 GBR The lights are dimming,the cast is slowly leaving the stage,the audience is wondering if it's feasible they'll find a taxi 'cause it's pissing down...Truly,it's the end of an era (alright,a 3-day era,we live in fast-moving times).Melancholy has claimed me for her own..it really is pissing down outside..even the Gods weep in sympathy..giants walked the earth in those days..we shall not look upon their like again..unless of course,the Grauniad gets Jeremy Clarkson to share his views with us..oooh,I'm sharpening my claws already..
OldLefty
Comment No. 712028 July 20 11:38 DEU Don't think we are going to make it to 1000- still showing 862. Tube entrances are policeable though.
deepblue
Comment No. 712043 July 20 11:41 FRA These miscreants on the Tube ... they're obviously seizeable but are they also kneesable?
zeebaneighba
Comment No. 712046 July 20 11:41 GBR I'd like to say thanks to everyone that has commented on this thread - even the dissenters! I also normally leave CiF feeling angry and dissatisfied with humanity and this has been brilliant. No work for three days. Genius!
provincialboyo
Comment No. 712050 July 20 11:43 GBR Congrats to Misharialadwani, a brilliant use of the Thames.
By the way, who'd be the Deputy Mayor to Mike?
What about Cheggers?
Could he take the exposure?
Sorry, but I'm only trying to help with the big push.
MoLurgan
Comment No. 712061 July 20 11:47 GBR Feasable St.( apologies to John Cooper Clarke)
Far from the crazy pavements ...the taste of silver spoons A clinical arrangement ...on a dirty afternoon Where the fecal germs of Mr Freud ...are rendered obsolete The legal term is null and void in the case of ... Feasable street
In the cheap seats where murder breeds somebody is out of breath Sleep is a luxury they don't need ... a sneak preview of death Belladonna is your flower Manslaughter is your meat Spend a year in a couple of hours on the edge of Feasable street
Where the action isn't That's where it is State your position Vacancies exist In an X-certificate exercise Ex-servicemen excrete Keith Joseph smiles and a baby dies in a box on Feasable street
From the boarding houses and bedsits full of ...accidents and fleas Somebody gets it Where the missing persons freeze wearing dead men's overcoats You can't see their feet A Riff joint shuts - opens up right down on Feasable street
Cars collide, colours clash Disaster movie stuff For the man with the Fu Manchu moustache revenge is not enough There's a dead canery on a swivel seat there's a rainbow on the road Meanwhile on Feasable Street silence is the code
Hot beneath the collar ...an inspector call Where the perishing stink of squalor ...impregnates the walls The rats have all got rickets They spit through broken teeth The name of the game is not cricket Caught out on ...Feasable Street
The hipster and his hired hat drive a borrowed car yellow socks and a pink crevat nothing la-di-dah O-A-P Mother-to-be Watch the three-piece suite When shitstopper drains and crocodile skis are seen on ...Feasable Street
The kingdom of the blind ...a one-eyed man is king Beauty problems are redefined ...The doorbells do not ring A light bulb bursts like a blister the only form of heat Where a fellow sells his sister ...down the river on Feasable Street
The boys are on the wagon The girls are on the shelf Their commom problem is ...that they're not someone else The dirt blows out The dust blows in You can't keep it neat It's a fully furnished dustbin ...sixteen Feasable Street
Vince the ageing savage Betrays no kind of life ...but the smell of yesterday's cabbage and the ghost of last year's wife Through a constant haze of deodorant sprays He says ...retreat Alsatians dog the dirty days Down the middle of Feasable street
People turn to poison Quick as lager turns to piss Sweethearts are physically sick Every time they kiss It's a sociologist's paradise Each day repeats Uneasy, cheasy, greasy, queasy ...beastly, Feasable Street
Eyes dead as vicious fish Look around for laughs If I could have just one wish I would be a photograph On a permanent monday morning Get lost or fall asleep When the yellow cats are yawning Around the back of Feasable Street
sergeantfox
Comment No. 712078 July 20 11:51 GBR In order to go over the top, anyone who hasn't already done so please announce that they too will not be standing as London Mayor. It's relevant, in that each announcement is as significant as the one that started us off (i.e. not at all), and it'll evoke a tribal sense of Spartacus-esque loyalty amongst those of us battling through to the end.
So...
I will not be standing as London Mayor.
roomwithaview
Comment No. 712081 July 20 11:51 GBR @ hairymary I put all that bait on the hook and all I get's a lousy nibble.Back to the Thames you trout ! What have you got against us patriarchs anyway ?
Have a swimmingly good day all ,as this whole darn thread goes down the tube, special thanks to Mike Read and a cast of thousands, Adieu !
Seafield
Comment No. 712082 July 20 11:51 GBR Mike, you're no longer the fresh faced tight short wearing pop picker my girlfriend fell in love with at the Radio 1 Roadshow in Brighton 24 years ago.
Isn't it a shame that the skin around your face and neck loses it's elasticity as you grow older and in fact becomes creasible....
deb1
Comment No. 712084 July 20 11:53 GBR OK, I've stopped sulking about the rules now.
Just looked up miscreant
Unbelieving Infidel Depraved Villainous A vile wretch
It must be really scary up there in ol' London Town.....
DaleyMale
Comment No. 712087 July 20 11:53 GBR wtf? zomg u r l337 mike hunt lol!
rolf mayo
dite
Comment No. 712089 July 20 11:54 GBR I will not be standing as London Mayor.
DaveCa
Comment No. 712100 July 20 11:56 GBR I have the pleasure right now of listening to Mr R on wonderful radio whatever. Somebody gave a link to it, can't be bothered to find it. Apparently he hasn't read the comments by lefty Guardian readers, but somebody influential told him to lift himself up, by his braces I think, and continue in his ways as a genuine bloke. Apparently if you don't know about something, you should be honest and just say so. Seems he has thought through his interesting ideas for London, then.
I cannot recommend his programme enough.
Stumpysheep
Comment No. 712103 July 20 11:57 GBR Still going? We've beaten the 3 day rule!
I've been e-mailing this link around a bit so we should get a few more people announcing that they too will not be standing.
Fray
Comment No. 712112 July 20 12:00 Is it Feasable that this will be the last comment?
I would just like to say thanks and after much consideration I am not standing for Mayor of London.
Enjoy your weekend
Fray
InternetFact
Comment No. 712114 July 20 12:01 GBR Seeing as the Guardian has seen fit to publish the cricket OBOs in book form, I hope they will be doing the same with this thread. A G2 special at least, surely? I'll always remember where I was when this thread appeared (at my desk, brew in hand, skiving off work).
I can't think of a feasible pun to include here, I'm just pushing up the post count like everyone else.
davidabsalom
Comment No. 712116 July 20 12:01 GBR It's time for an Olivia Newton John revivial:
I'm saying all the things that I know you'll like Making good policy statements. I gotta handle you just right You know what I mean. I'll take you to an underground parking space In a high profile city, I'll ban the new-fangled omnibus If it bends horizontally
Let's get feasible, feasible I wanna get feasible Let's get into feasible Let me hear your bottom talk, your bottom talk Let me hear your bottom talk
selondon
Comment No. 712118 July 20 12:03 GBR So, Mike Read's blog has already run for double the length of his Oscar Wilde musical. The change of career direction was indeed the right decision.
Personally, I'm backing Boris too. We need more albinos in British political life.
japan
Comment No. 712134 July 20 12:06 GBR got go off on me jollies now but before i go, i'd just like to announce that i will no longer be standing for major. sorry guys.
AllyF
Comment No. 712141 July 20 12:09 GBR OK, it's Friday, who's up for a rave anthem?
Feasible Read
There's a guy in the place He's got a bittersweet face And he goes by the name of Feasible Read His friends call him Feezer and he is the main geezer And he'll vibe about the place like no other man could He's refined, he's sublime, he makes you feel fine Though very much maligned and misunderstood But if you know Feezer he's a real crowd pleaser He's gonna take the lead, he's Mr Feasible Read
You can see that he's mischievious, mysterious and devious When he circulates amongst the people in the place But once you know he's fun and something of a genius He gives a grin that goes around from face to face to face Backwards and then forwards, forwards and then backwards Feezer is the geezer who loves to muscle in That's about the time the crowd all shout the name of Feezer As he's kotcheled in the corner, laughing by the bass bin
(altogether now)
Who d'ya need, who d'ya need? Mr Feasible Read
Who d'ya need, who d'ya need? Mr Feasible Read
Who d'ya need, who d'ya need? Mr Feasible Read
(repeat ad nauseum)
wiredandtired
Comment No. 712143 July 20 12:10 GBR Why is Mike Read like a mushroom?
Because he's a fungi who's easily bruised!
I'll switch off the lights on my way out.........
moook
Comment No. 712144 July 20 12:10 GBR I'll stand for London Mayor.
Cripes! I meant, I'm *not* standing. For London Mayor, that is. Sorry.
Catch22
Comment No. 712149 July 20 12:12 GBR I'm back! The sometime was not as long as I'd thought, UCH is poptastic.
I really have nothing left to say. Except the NHS, now that is feasible, who new it could be so efficient? But it could be made more efficient I'm sure by putting it underground, sealing the entrances to miscreants and clearing murderers, rapists and peadophiles from the wards and also by scrapping the congestion charge so that ambulances cannot get to the hospitals for gridlock, so no patients, so quicker efficient service. Yes yes, this is my blueprint for hospitals in London. And if we need more beds we shall build a floating hospital upon the Thames. And as for the problems with ambulances getting stuck in gridlocked streets, well I shall appropriate bendy buses, for you can fit many patients in at a time and the bit in the middle that swivels can act as a swivelly operating table mking the job more fun for all medical practitioners involved, for risk is good. I have talked to many developers, politicois and people at the FA and they say its feasible.
As for those in the medical profession well they just put the phone down on me.
Yay its thundering! Now that is rain!
I will miss you all, I feel like I've got to know you well these last few days. Farewell, adieu...let's hope Mike gets a weekly coloumn eh?
SirJonDanger0us
Comment No. 712152 July 20 12:12 GBR sergeantfox:
Nope. No way. I'm still standing, and Boris is backing me.
I outlined my politics-not-people, pro-rapist and padophile ticket above, but would just like to add further policies:
First, with the yoot (or "children" as they prefer to be known) - I've spoken to many well-behaved, nicely spoken young middle class kids and they tell me they'd love to be bangup crew members. Get in there - and teach them how to be persistently antisocial by having arranged gangfights in all filter-alternately junctions.
Second, increase congestion by moving the whole city underground. Make room for this by moving the Underground overground (I'll be appointing Great Uncle Bulgaria on a wobling-freeroving ambassadorship).
Third, make less use of the Thames. All river traffic to be moved to bus lanes and left unmonitored, and all the water to be put in the olympic stadium to bore the spectators out of their skulls. Resulting mud and silt to be given away to tourists. The brownprints are ready to go.
moloko77
Comment No. 712153 July 20 12:12 GBR I too have decided to withdraw my thatched mullet from the race for mayor. Adieu
bluetuliproseread
Comment No. 712155 July 20 12:13 GBR I will not be standing for Mayor.
It's been emotional.
5ChineseCrackers
Comment No. 712161 July 20 12:14 GBR Moook:
You mention the trick photo - dite points out he claims he helped discover the Proclaimers.
Maybe he *is* the Proclaimers. Is that feasible?
zeebaneighba
Comment No. 712164 July 20 12:15 GBR It is with great regret that I announce that I will not be standing for Mayor of London.
I'll be backing the candidacy of anyone that supports the non-payment of broken Traffic Wardens.
misharialadwani
Comment No. 712169 July 20 12:17 GBR Cain put his brother up for Eton,"Don't worry,I'll pay the fees,Able."... I think it was Johnson,(Samuel not Boris),who said,"A man who will make a pun,Sir,will not scruple to pick a pocket". Well,the band are playing "Nearer My God To Thee" as the chill waters lap at their ankles and a deck-chair just floated past. I can see the cold gleam of the iceberg that did for us..was it all worth it ? Oh,yes.We broke the mold of the usual shrill,point-scoring,vicious,ill-natured Grauniad thread.I'm proud of all of you,dammit..Godspeed..
We'll meet again,don't know where,don't know when, But we'll all meet again some sunny day.
P.S.The password is "Feasible".
nickine9
Comment No. 712171 July 20 12:17 GBR as I sit here watching the rain ruin my day it occurs to me that Mike missed a trick. why not use the Thames for cricket. that way the pitch at lords could remain covered but the crews of youths would not be deprived of their sport. a poor post i know but for some reason i want to see 1000 posts for this thread
Mwahaha
Comment No. 712172 July 20 12:17 GBR I will not be standing for London Mayor
ps - subs/mods - The headline is wrong - it should clearly read "I'm barking, Boris"
Mswoman
Comment No. 712173 July 20 12:18 GBR I'm sorry to disappoint my fan club but I too have decided to withdraw from the London Mayoral contest.
Shame...it would have been fun objecting every time someone referred to me as "Lady Mayoress" or "Madam Mayor".
paulhs
Comment No. 712176 July 20 12:19
One late observation. When Mike spoke with senior FA officials about introducing a London Schools FA cup, proposed in the article, did anyone at FA headquarters mention that it already exists?
UNLESS it is a radical plan to replace the FA cup format - in which squads of professional players, or "teams" as they prefer to be called, some of whom may or may not be rapists murderers and paedophiles, play football in a knock out football tournament - with one in which London school children, without the help of limp coaches, compete with professional footballers to be ambassadors to wealthy concerns, by trying to find one of the 30,000 UK playing feilds, which have gone missing. Kinnda makes sense, I guess.
10 minutes to go. Over 900 yet?
deepblue
Comment No. 712181 July 20 12:21 FRA Well, the end of an era is fast approaching.
There were so many of you who made me cry laughing that I haven't the time to write all your names. So thanks to each and every contributor for an amazing blog. Three days of laughter. A first. The Guardian must print it.
A special thanks must also go to Mike Read without whom none of this would have been possible.
A+ (as they say here)
deepblue
georgeat4
Comment No. 712183 July 20 12:21 GBR Mike;
although I think you're still squeezable, seems the Guardian lot just aren't pleasable
I WILL be standing for London Mayor, if I can tear myself away from this thread for long enough to find out how you go about it.
notmelphilips
Comment No. 712197 July 20 12:24 GBR Some of the comments in the last few hours may have been (commendable) space fillers but MoLurgan's John Cooper Clarke tribute must be of the best things on this, or any other, thread.
The 1000 clearly isn't going to happen, but the 900 definitely looks .... well you know.
Apart from the hilariousness of the whole thing, there is also much amusement to be had from prissy references to it being over the top on other threads.
Is this the last post, so to speak?
SlideshowRod
Comment No. 712202 July 20 12:25 FRA I would like to will not be standing for London mayor. As I do not live in Britain I concluded that it wasn't feasible to do so.
Thanks again everyone! :)
dite
Comment No. 712203 July 20 12:25 GBR Mike Read is back in Boris. Was Cliff unavailable?
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 712206 July 20 12:26 GBR Ladies, Gentlemen, anonymous internet beings of indeterminate gender:
We made it past 900, at least. I have thoroughly enjoyed every moment of this three-day-event, and would like to thank each and every one of you for brightening up my week.
I have to say, if this went on all the time nobody would get any work done, so be glad it looks like a one off.
It's been emotional, guys - see you on the flip side.
I would like to close by saying that I will not be standing for London Mayor. I may slump for the Provost of Frinton, though.
nomdeplum
Comment No. 712216 July 20 12:30 GBR Mike Read has announced he will not be going to the public loo on Clapham Common. Now that Cliff has announced that he will be, Mike is getting behind him
davidabsalom
Comment No. 712225 July 20 12:32 GBR I too wish to announce that, regretfully, I will not be standing for the post of London Mayor.
At least until they get rid of the ridiculous system whereby *voters* (and you know how apathetic they are) get to choose the candidate they want. Make it a lottery, however, and I will be back like a shot.
deb1
Comment No. 712227 July 20 12:33 GBR I'm gonna have to put my hat in the ring. Someone has to get a handle on the vile wretches swarming our beautiful capital city.
That's it, Deb1 for Mayoress. Let's whup some vile wretched miscreant asses!
Seal those Tubes NOW! No more miscreant babies.
Fray
Comment No. 712231 July 20 12:35 I second deep blue's post.
Heart felt thanks to Mike R. Without whom this all would not have been possible.
The 30 minute wait to post was painful.
Is it feasible, that this will be the last post. I wish I could type faster. Will be back in 30 minutes ;-)
shazlee
Comment No. 712235 July 20 12:36 GBR Close to 900 posts, lets see if we can hit the 1000 before the thread closes.
shazlee
Comment No. 712240 July 20 12:37 GBR Forgot to mention everything that had to be said has been said. So here is one more post towards 1000.
Notgullible
Comment No. 712241 July 20 12:38 GBR I too have recently sent in a comment that has not been put up. (whathavetheydone 9:49) All I was saying was that we should keep comments relevant and not just pad things out (admittedly I included a recipe for Lobster Thermidore - serves 4 to 6) but the powers-that-be suppressed it.
I realise I should get out more but hey, post-Mike- I'm not going out there with all those bendy buses full of miscreants, rapists, murderers and paedophiles all over the place. I've spoken to important people about this - honestl.
berdo
Comment No. 712253 July 20 12:41 GBR Come on!
selondon
Comment No. 712261 July 20 12:42 GBR People have been urging me forward too, but I regretfully announce that I, too, shall not be standing for London Mayor. I hope you'll all be able to get over it...
Guardian people, please publish this as a book.
InternetFact
Comment No. 712269 July 20 12:45 GBR Re: Mike's plans to improve the city's health by bringing in more sports coaches - will these be bendy coaches or the double decker variety?
All in all, it makes me glad to live in a city where nobody gets to vote for who is mayor.
moook
Comment No. 712271 July 20 12:46 GBR Hum de dum
Anyone know any good jokes?
Catch22
Comment No. 712279 July 20 12:48 GBR As we reach the imminent end and I can hear the dulcit tones of Vera Lynn in my ears '...we'll meet again, don't know where...'
To safe time in the future nand to get it out the way I would like to announce that I shall not be standing for any elected political office ever. As an anarchist it is simply not feasible.
arabjew
Comment No. 712282 July 20 12:49 GBR having discussed the matter with several influential fishmongers i have also decided not to stand for mayor. i'm backing mike.
ps: i seem to have a small amount of air trapped in my lungs. Mike, is it wheezable?
Could someone call me a taxi?
C21Potlatch
Comment No. 712288 July 20 12:51 GBR Cars could drive on the pavement, as well as in bus lanes, if pedestrians were persauded to get about by walking along wires suspended between buildings. Of course, they'd have to be trained to become trapeze-able.
wiredandtired
Comment No. 712298 July 20 12:55 GBR Notgullible, I was wondering if I you know how do get beetroot stains out of crimplene? Yours, in sartorial despair W&T
MoLurgan
Comment No. 712311 July 20 13:00 GBR likewise, it is with regret that I cannot place my hat in the ring but remember this wherever I lay my hat, that's my home. Let's get behind the big Rhino , I mean albino.
ThurrockHunt
Comment No. 712320 July 20 13:01 GBR Anagram of 'a mere kid'? I'm struggling here. (931)
zangdook
Comment No. 712323 July 20 13:02 GBR Speaking of what we'd like to see Boris do, I'd like to see him with his wig on the right way round for once. Mind you, Mike's hairal situation is rather more urgent.
GrandioseOldMule
Comment No. 712325 July 20 13:04 GBR Sadly, i too will not be standing for the mayoral situation, as i am moving away to take up the position of Frinton Laureate.
its been feasible..
GrandioseOldMule
Comment No. 712327 July 20 13:04 GBR Sadly, i too will not be standing for the mayoral situation, as i am moving away to take up the position of Frinton Laureate.
its been feasible..
MrBollo
Comment No. 712329 July 20 13:05 GBR I've got a bad feeling about this...I am therefore withdrawing my candidacy.
SirJonDanger0us
Comment No. 712338 July 20 13:10 GBR Hey, we're still going. Should have realised it was feasible.
Another posthumous collaboration has come to light: Mike with Machiavelli:
"The Prince will use the subtle arts of misdirection to attain his ambition. The Count Michele di Reade did most artfully protest his backing for Duke Borisso of Florence in such a way that the Duke was unaware that the Count was in troth presenting his own wishes as the Dukes until such a time as his Grace the Duke could not feasibly counter them"
Fray
Comment No. 712341 July 20 13:10 Bloggers unite for 1000
Has anyone got advice on how to keep a straight face, when someone not in the know uses the how immortal word that is
FEASIBLE.
Cheers
deb1
Comment No. 712348 July 20 13:12 GBR Still able to comment!
But on a serious note, Mike obviously knows something we don't. He must be privvy to top secret information and I think I've found it.
In the deep bowels of London's womb at the heart of the depth of the tube network, pulsating pink slimy veiny eggs are about to hatch. The vile slithering wretches will crawl along the tube tenticles and miscreant babies will eject through all tube exits - tomorrow.....
We really do need to seal those tubes.
We have been underestimating the seriousness of the 'errorist threat, Mike.
PS I hope Mike takes this on the chin and enjoyed the giggle. It would be great if he responded and said he'd enjoyed it as much as we did.
RobinBrown
Comment No. 712349 July 20 13:12 HUN The Mike Read thread has just fallen out of the CiF charts, down from One. It won't reack a thousand...Is this the last comment
bluetuliproseread
Comment No. 712352 July 20 13:14 GBR I think I still love him.
zangdook
Comment No. 712354 July 20 13:14 GBR I say, Georgina, what time does this close? Have I got time to go for lunch? It'd be nice to hit 1000.
sweavo
Comment No. 712357 July 20 13:15 DEU Sadly, I won't be standing, as I have up to 10 people lined up for a beginners' salsa class in September and traveling from London to Yorkshire every week would not be financially viable.
zangdook
Comment No. 712363 July 20 13:16 GBR I say, Georgina, what time does this close? Have I got time to go for lunch? It'd be nice to hit 1000.
benhameen
Comment No. 712365 July 20 13:17 TWN Ten other things that Mike has nobly decided not to do;
donate his hair to charity be a judge on "pop Idol" partake in the next G8 summit return to his radio 1 spot collaborate with Craig David start a "Mike for King" campaign become the next England manager host "An audience with Mike Read" become a journalist die for our sins
SlideshowRod
Comment No. 712367 July 20 13:18 FRA The thread is off the top spot, but I can still post. Maybe Mike's banned it.
Neilyneil
Comment No. 712369 July 20 13:18
Oh alright then: You're a taxi!
I see Metronet, the firm that mends the Tube has gone into some sort of administration. If they are in financial trouble, then some might say this is clearly because of the unfeasible length of tube trains - some of those long bendy vehicles filled with actors and nurses and thugs are 10x longer than a happy routemaster bus from the good old days filled with Cliff Richard.
But some things *do* get better when they get longer, like this lovely blog.
benhameen
Comment No. 712371 July 20 13:19 TWN Ten other things that Mike has nobly decided not to do;
donate his hair to charity be a judge on "pop Idol" partake in the next G8 summit return to his radio 1 spot collaborate with Craig David start a "Mike for King" campaign become the next England manager host "An audience with Mike Read" become a journalist die for our sins
Catch22
Comment No. 712372 July 20 13:19 GBR This isn't supposed to be feasible...
misharialadwani
Comment No. 712373 July 20 13:19 GBR Ahem..it appears my valediction was a tad premature..what's happening?I thought we got the chop at 12:30..has Georgina taken pity on us ?..indeed,it would be cruel to deny us our glorious 1000 after so much blood,sweat and tears..to quote Mike,"..get in there". By the way,despite talking to many influential people and politicians,(copyright.2007.M.Read),I will not be standing at all today.This chair is just too damn comfy..
Lopakhin
Comment No. 712376 July 20 13:20 GBR Wattapalaver: '"I've spoken to lots of young kids in gangs or "crews" as they prefer to be known and most want to get out of a way of life that gives them nothing. Get in there ... understand their problems and give them access to sporting facilities and the chance to make music, act, dance and write. Get them integrated into society and to realise its value."
Thats right Mike. All these "urban" types can only do sport or make music can't they? Its the sense of rhythm that does it, eh Mike?
How about giving them the chance to become journalists or nuclear physicists or geography teachers or Corgi registered plumbers or radiographers?'
Erm, you mean for instance by giving them the chance to act or write? Like Mike Read suggested? Sorry if that spoils your far-fetched implication that this was a racial slur on the dj's part.
Notgullible
Comment No. 712378 July 20 13:21 GBR And now, the end is near; And so I face the final curtain. My friend, Ill say it clear, Ill state my case, of which Im certain.
Now is not the time for soundbites, but I feel the heavy hand of history on my shoulders however it is with great regret that I have to announce that I too, like Mike, will not be standing for the London Mayoral Situation.
I won't be dissuaded from my decision, It was just not feasible. I'm useless with beetroot stains anyway.
selondon
Comment No. 712388 July 20 13:23 GBR zangdook, I think you'll find that's Andy Warhol's wig that Boris is wearing!
IsMikeReadGayOrFakin
Comment No. 712391 July 20 13:25 GBR Still haven't found out if he's gay. I'm rather hoping he is, because if he were straight he might occasionally indulge in the mish posish, and then if the party of the female part opened her eyes she'd see mullet and lose concentration.
dite
Comment No. 712392 July 20 13:26 GBR @ ThurrockHunt One possible answer to your anagram poser is 'A Dim Reek'
arabjew
Comment No. 712394 July 20 13:26 GBR Zangdook - perfect idea for mikes next book: My Hairal Situation, by My Creed.
AllyF - wonderful Auden, can i suggest one addition:
Seal all the tubes, cut off the telephone Prevent the rapists raping with a juicy bone
~After all this time i'm still reeling from the sheer offensiveness of this line in Mike's Manifesto:
"Non-party members can vote but have to apply for a form and knowing how apathetic folk can be I believe this would, for me, narrow any chance of winning, as the Tory faithful are much more likely to vote for an established politician."
It's genius. He manages to offend the whole voting age population in one sentence, both the 'tory faithful' and everyone else, (the filthy proles). Seal them all in a bendy bus, drive them down into the tube tunnels, then divert the Thames into it, sealing all the exits with police officers in case any try to crawl out, i say.
arabjew
Comment No. 712395 July 20 13:26 GBR Zangdook - perfect idea for mikes next book: My Hairal Situation, by My Creed.
AllyF - wonderful Auden, can i suggest one addition:
Seal all the tubes, cut off the telephone Prevent the rapists raping with a juicy bone
~After all this time i'm still reeling from the sheer offensiveness of this line in Mike's Manifesto:
"Non-party members can vote but have to apply for a form and knowing how apathetic folk can be I believe this would, for me, narrow any chance of winning, as the Tory faithful are much more likely to vote for an established politician."
It's genius. He manages to offend the whole voting age population in one sentence, both the 'tory faithful' and everyone else, (the filthy proles). Seal them all in a bendy bus, drive them down into the tube tunnels, then divert the Thames into it, sealing all the exits with police officers in case any try to crawl out, i say.
paulhs
Comment No. 712399 July 20 13:27
From the wisdom of Mike, we all knew that nothing can remain at number 1 forever, not even a song that you try to ban and not even a Cif link with 1000 messages of support for a well thought out campaign for not being a candidate for soemthing.
"All these moments will be lost in time like tears in the rain. Time...to...Collaborate with...Mike Read"
InternetFact
Comment No. 712409 July 20 13:30 GBR I've suggested to Mike that his campaign song should be track 8 from the Pixies album 'Doolittle'. I've spoken to Frank Black, and it is MrGrievesable.
arabjew
Comment No. 712410 July 20 13:30 GBR Zangdook - perfect idea for mikes next book: My Hairal Situation, by My Creed.
AllyF - wonderful Auden, can i suggest one addition:
Seal all the tubes, cut off the telephone Prevent the rapists raping with a juicy bone
~After all this time i'm still reeling from the sheer offensiveness of this line in Mike's Manifesto:
"Non-party members can vote but have to apply for a form and knowing how apathetic folk can be I believe this would, for me, narrow any chance of winning, as the Tory faithful are much more likely to vote for an established politician."
It's genius. He manages to offend the whole voting age population in one sentence, both the 'tory faithful' and everyone else, (the filthy proles). Seal them all in a bendy bus, drive them down into the tube tunnels, then divert the Thames into it, sealing all the exits with police officers in case any try to crawl out, i say.
MoLurgan
Comment No. 712425 July 20 13:36 GBR Cheerio, enough interwebbing. I'm off to read the adventures of Viz comic's Buster Gonad and his unfeasibly large testicles.
CzarChasm
Comment No. 712426 July 20 13:36 GBR This is my first ever posting on CiF: I just had to come and join in your quest for the magical four figures (it is doable!) Ally F - your rewrite of Auden - just magnificent! I have been (extremely) close to wetting myself reading through some of these comments; so I hope these clothes are washable...
ThurrockHunt
Comment No. 712435 July 20 13:39 GBR I ram Deke - fist Basil - ee!
nomdeplum
Comment No. 712448 July 20 13:42 GBR I've spoken to Buster Gonad, and it's bad news. The largeness of his testicles is unfeasible
Fray
Comment No. 712458 July 20 13:46 What count are we at? Have we won? Do we all get a cuddly toy, a novelty IT IS FEASIBLE mug and a ride on a bendy bus before they are banned?
Is it feasible that we reached the mythic 1000?
We are united in our push to the top of the charts, even though we have disappeared off said chart.
deepblue
Comment No. 712465 July 20 13:49 FRA Welcome Czarchasm.
bluetuliproseread
Comment No. 712475 July 20 13:52 GBR I don't know how to tell you this but I've got back with Mike.
He's got beautiful breath.
selondon
Comment No. 712481 July 20 13:56 GBR Mike Read is clearly a political novice - embracing the rapist vote could have swung it for him. After all, Ken has the wife-beater vote all sewn up after endorsing that muslim cleric.
wiredandtired
Comment No. 712482 July 20 13:56 GBR Apparently the Met arrested a couple of the "crews" yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.
Notgullible
Comment No. 712483 July 20 13:56 GBR Stick to the point!
We should be inspired and uplifted by the words and principals of Lord Reid of Frinton (surely inevitable), not sidetracked by taking the Mike out of his 'dodgy syrup' situation.
DaleyMale
Comment No. 712484 July 20 13:56 GBR Boris Yeltsin would be completelt unsiutable as London Mayor. He's a drunk, he's Russian and he's dead so I think it is completely irresponsible for Simon Bates to be supporting him.
What?
dite
Comment No. 712485 July 20 13:57 GBR A Red Mike? Lefties bias.
LondonFido
Comment No. 712521 July 20 14:08 GBR What's going on? My trip delayed - just checked whether the thread had got to 1,000 posts (not quite) and I find you can still post (hope for 1,000 yet?)! So just for the record (and as one more to the 1,000), I too have decided not to stand in the mayoral situation.
davidabsalom
Comment No. 712540 July 20 14:19 GBR 974 at last count - looks like the 1000 might just be...
...doable.
IsMikeReadGayOrFakin
Comment No. 712569 July 20 14:26 GBR "It goes without saying that there are, of course, countless issues not discussed in this limited space!"
If it really went without saying, then you could have used that space to discuss another issue, instead of saying that which goes (not) without saying.
deepblue
Comment No. 712577 July 20 14:28 FRA Well, seems my good-byes were a little premature. Georgina must have decided to let us go for 1000.
Thank you, Georgina.
There's one important question that I don't think has been asked.
After the support that the man behind him has had in this erudite journal, will Boris still be standing in the mayorial situation?
Os it feasible that he will stand down?
OldLefty
Comment No. 712594 July 20 14:33 DEU Has anyone else noticed that we have vanished from Google? We were fifth yesterday.
zangdook
Comment No. 712596 July 20 14:34 GBR bluetuliproseread - "He's got beautiful breath"
More beautiful than yours?
Evidence here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3O0qvMqK51A
BearintheWoods
Comment No. 712602 July 20 14:34 GBR Mike's collaboration with Shakespeare, Twelfth Night, Act2 Scene5
(Enter Mikevolio)
Tis but Fortune: all is Fortune. Diddy once told me he would vote for me; and I have heard influential AND political figures come this near, that, should they vote, it would be one of my complexion. Besides, they use me with a more exalted respect than anyone else that follows Dave. What should I think on't?
There is example for it. The co-star of "Bedtime for Bonzo" was made President of the United Colonies.
Having been three months elected, sitting in my state, calling my "crew" about me, in my branch'd chinchilla robe, having come from an underground car-park where I have left traffic wardens distributing gifts, and then to have the humour of state: and after a demure travel of regard, telling them I know my place, as I would have them know theirs, to ask for my underling Ken......
I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar smile with a feasible regard of control, saying "Ken, you must abolish the congestion charge! Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with a foolish newt.
What employment have we here? (Picks up a letter)
By my life, this is Sir Cliff's hand: these be his very W's, his A's, his N's, his K's, his E's, and this is the very image of his great R's. It is, in contempt of questio, his hand!
(Reads- there's a pun here somewhere)
"To the forgotten DJ; this, and my good wishes.
Jove knows I endorse his candidature, but who? Lips, do not move T.W.A.T. doth sway my life......
"If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In the charts I am above thee, but be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have unfeasible hairstyles thrust upon them..... Go to, thou art made, if thou desirest to be so; if not, let me see thee in Frinton still, irritating the holidaymakers, and not worthy to monitor bus-lane usage. Farewell. He that would vote for thee.
zangdook
Comment No. 712604 July 20 14:35 GBR Oh, you said breath. Sorry.
Fishbulb
Comment No. 712614 July 20 14:38 I suppose, in a sense, these messages have now been pushed and sealed underground. It's what Mike would have wanted.
Fishbulb
Comment No. 712630 July 20 14:42 Are we there yet?
scoutzed
Comment No. 712642 July 20 14:46 GBR Can mayoral shops sell 'It's feasible' t-shirts please?
dite
Comment No. 712647 July 20 14:47 GBR "It goes without saying that there are, of course, countless issues not discussed in this limited space!"
But Mikey, the web is infinite; please come back and give us more of your drivel.
Dunks
Comment No. 712653 July 20 14:48 GBR Burn him. Burn him with righteous cleansing fire.
LondonFido
Comment No. 712663 July 20 14:52 GBR Fishbulb - be quiet in the back, you know making a row puts your father off driving. We've only got another 14 posts to go, then we'll be there
bluetuliproseread
Comment No. 712665 July 20 14:53 GBR Drown him. Drown him like they did witches in days of yore.
We could always use the Thames????
SlideshowRod
Comment No. 712671 July 20 14:55 FRA I think we should all get him to stand for the election again. These policies must be known to a wider audience. This will then prove that the hundreds (nearly a thousand!) of posters haven't just been ridiculing him unnecessarily just to get a cheap laugh. Imagine him on newsnight explaining these policies to Paxman.
Have we made it yet??
Catch22
Comment No. 712673 July 20 14:55 GBR Have I got the 1000th post? Have I? Have I?
zangdook
Comment No. 712679 July 20 14:57 GBR It's 2 hours past 3 days since the first comment.
"It was not Boris Johnson standing that made me think twice at the eleventh hour"
How many times did you think about this altogether?
InternetFact
Comment No. 712695 July 20 15:01 GBR Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner, that I park uuunnnndeeeerrrrrrgroooouuuuuuuuuuuuuund.
Dyscolus
Comment No. 712696 July 20 15:02 GBR Mikey - please reconsider - look at all your fans
deepblue
Comment No. 712703 July 20 15:03 FRA I am (nac)kered? Sorry.
ignatiusc
Comment No. 712705 July 20 15:04 GBR Will a be 1000, is it feasible?
Thanks, it's been ace, double thumbs up to (nearly) everyone.
DaleyMale
Comment No. 712713 July 20 15:05 GBR Mike is actually a great guy and generous to a fault.
[Comment edited, and for the record, this is post 995 - CiF Moderation]
wiredandtired
Comment No. 712715 July 20 15:05 GBR Off topic slightly I know , but does anyone here think Mike Read would make a good canditate for Mayor of London?
zangdook
Comment No. 712729 July 20 15:10 GBR Where is the count of posts to this thread, now that it's disappeared from the front page?
misharialadwani
Comment No. 712733 July 20 15:11 GBR Hurrah-The Mother Of All Threads lives on..Thank you Georgina. Without further ado,let us return now Ye Olde Londone Towne.. My Oral Situation Proudly Presents
The Tragedy Of Mikeo And Julieburchette
By Wigwam Bathyscape
Scene 1,Act. 1-A Balcony of the Groucho Club.Enter Julieburchette,
JULIE:Mikeo,Mikeo..wherefore the bleeding hell art thou,Mikeo? MIKEO:Sorry,love,just adjusting my syrup..ahem,but soft,what light through yonder window breaks.'tis Julieburchette,pleb scribe and matchless harridan.Favour me with the nectar of thine lips. JULIE:Nah,mate,we're kaput..finito..worshed up. MIKEO:No,,my heart cracks like an egg,you're yoking,right ? JULIE:Strite up,mite,see,yor a poncy Cliffmonkey an ahm a cuttin edge journo what savijs tha pretensions of the farkin middle-classes,bunch a farkin ladida kants.I ate um,an I ate yoo,you farkin rug-wearin wanger. MIKEO:Oh,I have nursed a viper to my bosom.How sharper than a serpents tooth is a thankless journo. JULIE:Too rite..an ya kno wot I fink yor a farkin poofter wot wiv orl yor,poptastic,mite,fab,ger,I min wossat orl abaht ven,you kant. MIKEO:I will hye me back to bucolic Frinton where I am loved,and assuage my grief with sticky buns and lemonade. JULIE:Garn,ya farkin sad ole kant,ear,doan fugit ta pye fer vese drinks neever,yoo kant.
EXEUNT MIKEO.
BearintheWoods
Comment No. 712736 July 20 15:11 GBR Fishbulb@"I suppose, in a sense, these messages have now been pushed and sealed underground. It's what Mike would have wanted."
He probably would. He does seem to have a thing about things underground, and sealing them there. Are there any Freudians out there who could disregard medical ethics by diagnosing someone they haven't met, on a public blog? Just so long as they don't extend the privelege to me as well for noticing it!
swearnot
Comment No. 712742 July 20 15:12 i've checked and this thread has 991 comments. the most commented thread had 1036 so only 45 more comments and this will be the most popular (and best) thread on CIF.
OldLefty
Comment No. 712755 July 20 15:17 DEU @zangdook Click on Previous Posts (on the left, just above the bottom).
Incidentally, if you go to http://www.mikeread.net/ not only is there no web site, but the page is one of those annoying ones that resize your browser window - does Mike need a HTML course?
dite
Comment No. 712773 July 20 15:21 GBR zangdook, you can see the count on this page:
http://commentisfree.guardian.co.uk/weekbyweek/2007/07/15-week/
scroll down to the day/time of the original posting (July 17, 12:30 I think) and you'll see the magic number there. A moment or two ago it was 1001, so congratulations to all involved. Just need to get that record now.
Go crew. Get underground and get in there!
Fishbulb
Comment No. 712772 July 20 15:21 @BearintheWoods
Let's not forget the thing about the bendy buses. Let's never forget.
podgyhodgy
Comment No. 712788 July 20 15:27 GBR Sorry I can't stand this year but if i was to be asked then i would campaign hard for triple or quadruple decker buses with police guards on the door and lifts to the upper floors for the disabled. These buses having the floor area of a typical car would save valuable road space and would not need to be bendy at all.
I have discussed this with someone and they think it is feasible.
Catch22
Comment No. 712811 July 20 15:34 GBR Mishari got the 1000th post. 1000 mabruks sadiqi! But damn you to Mike's version of heaven as elucidated in his holy 40 commandments you shakesperean chinchilla ;)
If we make the record, I believe it will be proof of Mike's status as the big cahuna himself, therefore, in accordance with the ancient scriptures of St John's Wood Liberal Synagogue, Mike must now ne referred to as the man who cannot be named.
And for those of the other branch of the family repeat after me... la il'allah ila allah.
DaleyMale
Comment No. 712836 July 20 15:40 GBR [Comment deleted - ComMod]
BearintheWoods
Comment No. 712848 July 20 15:44 GBR @Fishbulb. Bendy buses in underground car-parks!NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Nurse, my mrdication, quickly! NURSE!
thisismycreed
Comment No. 712850 July 20 15:44 GBR Are we nearly there yet?
misharialadwani
Comment No. 712863 July 20 15:48 GBR @Catch22-Did I really get the 1000th post ? Yay..(performs little victory jig,a la Hitler at the Arc de Triomphe).. But the great work is not done yet..apparently the record is 1063...arrrggghh. Love the idea of Mike being "the man who cannot be named".Can we refer to him as The Feasible One ?
davidabsalom
Comment No. 712864 July 20 15:48 GBR "As I've decided not to stand, I'm going to get behind the man who is. I'll be available, if needed, to help Boris raise London's spirit and profile and become London mayor."
Aren't there several other candidates. Do you reckon they're all devastated that Boris got the Read endorsement? Or are they all still laughing as hard as the rest of us?
(Let's beat that all-time 1036 record!)
daddy0marcos
Comment No. 712891 July 20 15:59 GBR His Mikeness's first act upon ascending to the mayoralty will be to cover City Hall with milk chocolate and gut the building's insides, replacing them with a crisp honeycomb centre. It's Maltesible!
Stellanova
Comment No. 712909 July 20 16:05 IRL I usually avoid reading CiF, because the nastiness and vitriol (especially that of those who one suspects only read the Guardian at all to get all righteously angry at anything vaguely liberal) that abounds. But this thread has restored my faith in the site. A few minutes ago a concerned colleague heard strange noises coming from my desk and asked me was I okay, and I had to explain that I was crying with laughter thanks to the umpteenth feasible-related pun (I think MrGrievesable sent me over the edge). Thanks to everyone who made this thread so hilarous!
Stellanova
Comment No. 712913 July 20 16:06 IRL I usually avoid reading CiF, because the nastiness and vitriol (especially that of those who one suspects only read the Guardian at all to get all righteously angry at anything vaguely liberal) that abounds. But this thread has restored my faith in the site. A few minutes ago a concerned colleague heard strange noises coming from my desk and asked me was I okay, and I had to explain that I was crying with laughter thanks to the umpteenth feasible-related pun (I think MrGrievesable sent me over the edge). Thanks to everyone who made this thread so hilarous!
bluetuliproseread
Comment No. 712930 July 20 16:12 GBR I never thought it feasible but I feel a bit Mike Readable.
PetetheTree
Comment No. 712932 July 20 16:12 GBR I've been discussing entering the shadow cabinet with Julian Clary. Apparently many of them are Fistable.
Seafield
Comment No. 712948 July 20 16:16 GBR Thanks for the laughs Mike, come back soon!
dite
Comment No. 712952 July 20 16:17 GBR Some of you may be aware of the range of primadonnas (apart from Mike) who are thinking of addressing the mayoral situation. There is an interesting list of these characters here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/London_mayoral_election%2C_2008
For example - Richard Fairbrass, Nick Ferrari, John Bird, Garry Bushell (allegedly), James Whale.
As for who the Tories and Lib Dems will put forward, Gawd only knows! There selection processes sound rather shambolic.
roomwithaview
Comment No. 712956 July 20 16:18 GBR What ??? Still going !!! @ Lopakhin (712376): What's this ? Seems that Boris and Mike,not to mention Kenred Spirit of London, have a challenger here ? I take it you are standing .And the platform (no pun intended ) would be...Yes.Yes. I see it now : 'Edukashion ! Eddycashin ! Idikayshinn ! Good man/woman/whatever ! Intrigued still.HairyMary.Are you and Goergina able to post from the same computer at exactly the same time ? (Still fishin')
TimFootman
Comment No. 712958 July 20 16:18 THA Beating the record should be easible peasible lemon squeezible.
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 712960 July 20 16:18 GBR It's the thread that won't die! I've managed, in the time since my last post, to play a whole game of football (2-1 to them) and go to the pub for a consolation pint. I come back and everybody's still posting. The CiF gods are with us, people.
Let's push for 10,000!
Or not.
Anyway, erm, feasible, biblical reference, mullet, chinchilla, music, Cliff Richard, dissent, rejoinders, Frinton, new rules, "man not ball", underground, Thames.
I think I've covered all the bases?
Hen Fap?
Munin
Comment No. 712973 July 20 16:23 GBR I for one welcome our minor celebrity overlords.
icanhardlybebothered
Comment No. 712980 July 20 16:25 GBR There have been a great many potentially libellous attacks against Mike Read on this thread and he may well have grounds for consulting a lawyer. Do you think the case is Cherie-sable?
deepblue
Comment No. 713006 July 20 16:32 FRA Went back to have another look at the Gospel according to Mike Read and couldn't believe that I hadn't commented on his first lines, nay, his first words.
"... having spoken for the third time at a Conservative Conference ..."
The Tory Party actually asked him to repeat this type of drivel three times?
Speaks volumes.
misharialadwani
Comment No. 713010 July 20 16:33 GBR @hairymary-looking back through the thread,I came upon you expressing disgust at the idea of blue cheese for breakfast. I love a good strong cheese for breakfast..Danish Blue,Stilton,Gorgonzola,Muenster..with strong black coffee and a croissant..mmmmmm,poptastic,mate.Doubtless,my dear,you are in the first careless flush of youth..but in my decrepitude,my taste buds desensitized by a lifetime of smoking and drinking,I find I need stronger flavours..stronger coffee,more authoritative wines.spicier foods.I suspect The Feasible One agrees with you.He probably eats the Daily Mail for breakfast.
Fray
Comment No. 713031 July 20 16:41 We did it 1,000 Yeah (high 5's all round)
BUT now the record is in sight, after they moved the goal posts underground to 1,036.
Not that I am complaining but is it not past 3 days. Thanks to Georgina to allow us 1,036 BUT it's been fun, can I go back to work now ;-)
PS hi those of us who joined cif just for this thread
more spoof threads
thisismycreed
Comment No. 713036 July 20 16:42 GBR My colleague Sybil recently asked me what anti virus program she should buy. Of course I replied 'McAfee, Sybil'.
I have no idea why I'm bothering to mention this.
Marvelment
Comment No. 713037 July 20 16:42 GBR Feasibly: Maikus
The sealed miscreants, To underground crews confined, Wish they'd acted well.
The bending buses,
Impractical in his sight,
Offend Frinton's Lord.
AllyF
Comment No. 713048 July 20 16:49 GBR Woohoo!
I saw this had been pulled from the 'most popular' list and assumed comments had been pulled.
But no, bless those mods, they're letting us plough on through to break the record. One final push folks, we're nearly there...
loved this:
"[Comment edited, and for the record, this is post 995 - CiF Moderation]"
Y'see, even the much maligned moderators are getting excited about it.
CifEditor
Comment No. 713050 July 20 16:49 GBR THIS DISCUSSION THREAD WILL BE CLOSING SHORTLY
zangdook
Comment No. 713053 July 20 16:50 GBR I would like Boris to knock down all the bridges and build high-rise buses so high that they don't need to drive anywhere; when you get to the top you just choose the staircase which leads down to the door at your destination. So no need to knock down the bridges after all. Is this feasible?
zangdook
Comment No. 713064 July 20 16:54 GBR Looks like swearnot was 1000th, counting from the moderator's intervention.
rolleyes
Comment No. 713080 July 20 16:58 GBR Apparently other cities are going to have elected mayor's, so perhaps each of should form a political campaign group to "draft mike".
I would say "draft read", but obviously no-one read a draft of this piece.
JohnTheBoptist
Comment No. 713091 July 20 17:01 GBR 1030, one more heave....
arabjew
Comment No. 713094 July 20 17:02 GBR More posthumous hip hop collaborations:
Mike's Krew featuring Notorious BIG - Mayor's Anthem
Mike & Big L - Street Struck ("You better listen when Mike rhymes, cos being a rapist wont get you nothing but a whole lotta jail time")
Mike & 'Toupee' Shakur - (The Tubes Are) Strictly 4 my Nursez
Mike & Tribe Called Quest - Ken you kick it? No he can't (its not feasible)
Mike and Gang-or-crew-as-they-prefer-to-be-known-Starr - Just to Get a Rep
Mike and Gang-or-crew-as-they-prefer-to-be-known-Starr - You Know my Steez (Are Feezible)
Mike & Snoop - Feezibble ma nizzle
ok i'm stopping now...
ok just one more for all you pop pickers:
Mika Read - Big Girl (You Are Feasible)
bluetuliproseread
Comment No. 713105 July 20 17:05 GBR NOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Don't let it end whatever you do purlease.
What will we all do now?
deepblue
Comment No. 713115 July 20 17:07 FRA Welcome back AllyF.
Do any of you think that Mikey might invite some of us to contribute to his online newspaper? I'm sure we could contribute to it's success.
wiredandtired
Comment No. 713120 July 20 17:08 GBR To play us out this Friday afternoon, here's Bachman Turner Overdrive and You aint seen nothin' yet.....
misharialadwani
Comment No. 713126 July 20 17:10 GBR " We are the championz,mah frenz.." don't actually know the words..hate queen anyway..Congrats and love to all.
IsMikeReadGayOrFakin
Comment No. 713132 July 20 17:11 GBR rolleyes Comment No. 713080 July 20 16:58
Was 1032, counting from the moderator's 995.
Is Mike Read...etc
paulhs
Comment No. 713134 July 20 17:12
How come I can find nothing about Mike's presentation to the last conservative conference. I've tried using search terms such as "pointless" "nonsensical" "foolish" "ill thought out" "beyond the grave" "ex-" "275 and 285" "scraping the bottom of the barrel" but nothing comes up. Weird.
IsMikeReadGayOrFakin
Comment No. 713136 July 20 17:13 GBR Shouldn't that be 'I'm bonking Boris'?
paulhs
Comment No. 713138 July 20 17:14
How come I can find nothing about Mike's presentation to the last conservative conference. I've tried using search terms such as "pointless" "nonsensical" "foolish" "ill thought out" "beyond the grave" "ex-" "275 and 285" "scraping the bottom of the barrel" but nothing comes up. Weird.
Marvelment
Comment No. 713145 July 20 17:15 GBR It ended with total feasibility.
moook
Comment No. 713146 July 20 17:15 GBR best thread ever?
davidabsalom
Comment No. 713148 July 20 17:16 GBR THIS DISCUSSION THREAD WILL BE CLOSING SHORTLY
Goodbye everyone. I'll never forget you.
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 713154 July 20 17:17 GBR Well done all - thanks Mike for your buffoonery, thanks posters for your japes, thanks CiF team (or "crew", as you like to be know - did this place used to be called JiF?) for keeping it going for the banter.
Spread the love - peace out.
PetetheTree
Comment No. 713161 July 20 17:18 GBR I'm barebacking Boris?
IsMikeReadGayOrFakin
Comment No. 713168 July 20 17:19 GBR ...BONG...BONG...
Mike, they invited you to the conference for light entertainment. When you asked if you could stand for mayor they were non-plussed and didn't know how to let you down gently.
AllyF
Comment No. 713170 July 20 17:20 GBR Noooooooooooo.....tragic.
I guess if anyone is getting withdrawl symptoms when the thread closes we could always decamp en masse to the thread on GU Talk.
Thank you everyone for making my week, and thanks to the Mighty Mike for... well, for just being there.
LondonFido
Comment No. 713173 July 20 17:21 GBR Congratulations all - thanks Mods - Everything is Feasible
AllyF
Comment No. 713182 July 20 17:25 GBR please let the final figure be somewhere in the range...
1053 - 1089
IsMikeReadGayOrFakin
Comment No. 713184 July 20 17:26 GBR Or maybe they were casting around for someone to get whipped by Ken, again, and someone said, let's get someone who's an object of derision already, so it won't rub off on us, and someone said, supressing a snigger, what about that tw*t who was just up there trying to be cool, Mike Read?
Notgullible
Comment No. 713194 July 20 17:29 GBR misharialadwani, wiredandtired, notmelphillips, ThurrockHunt, Catch22, JeffreyArcher, exiledlondoner, whathavetheydone, jemscott2, drbendyspoogun, brianwilsonisgod, donge, Cheesebikini, and all you others too many to mention, are all invited to the Mike for Mayoral Situation Anniversary convention in one years time to be held in Frinton-On-Sea. A convoy of bendy buses will leave the congestion zone at 10:am (No miscreants. It's Feas... (I can't)
frothwrath
Comment No. 713197 July 20 17:30 GBR You can't have a mayor with a mullet. We'd be a laughingstock.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 713199 July 20 17:31 GBR Just spent five hours on trains, thanks to the weather (wouldn't happen in Mike's sunny London tho, eh?)
Very pleased to see we've gone over 1000! Well done everyone... lots of fun.
Will this be the last post? It is feasible!
zangdook
Comment No. 713227 July 20 17:42 GBR I vote Bill Gates for mayor. You wouldn't get this sort of candour from Mike Read.
http://ei.cs.vt.edu/~history/Bill.Gates.html
PLAYBOY: Ever take LSD?
GATES: My errant youth ended a long time ago.
PLAYBOY: What does that mean?
GATES: That means there were things I did under the age of 25 that I ended up not doing subsequently.
PLAYBOY: One LSD story involved you staring at a table and thinking the corner was going to plunge into your eye.
GATES: [Smiles]
PLAYBOY: Ah, a glimmer of recognition.
GATES: That was on the other side of that boundary. The young mind can deal with certain kinds of gooping around that I don't think at this age I could. I don't think you're as capable of handling lack of sleep or whatever challenges you throw at your body as you get older. However, I never missed a day of work.
podgyhodgy
Comment No. 713237 July 20 17:47 GBR Politics never made me happy before.
Owwmykneecap
Comment No. 713240 July 20 17:47 IRL What an abortion of a post. And I though the conservatives didnt like abortions....
Still that is the one thing you dont have to worry about with the gays....even if you dont like them making music...
Catch22
Comment No. 713239 July 20 17:47 GBR As my earlier comment was not posted :( Maybe its beacuse some of it was in a foreign language and the moderators don't speak ver bad hebrew.
Anyway here is one more towards the record. I cannot recall in the musing style what I said on my last unpublished post. Yet it is feasible that it had something to do with The Feasible One. And that is we were to found a religion around the blessed feasible one the we would need a popstar to join our cause and give us publicity. Can anyone think of anyone?
Bon weekend one and all! May The feasible one bless you and keep you.
Amen.
alisdaircameron
Comment No. 713295 July 20 18:13 GBR Bloody hell, it's still going. Is 2,00 a possibility? (Well, I wasn't going to use the 'f'* word, was I?)
f***ible
IsMikeReadGayOrFakin
Comment No. 713299 July 20 18:15 GBR Perhaps it was inevitable that Mike's confession would come to CiF. After all, he's much of a muchness with the average CiF subeditor in terms of numptiness, and his hairdo isn't far off Alan Rusbridger's in terms of shocking awfulness...
IsMikeReadGayOrFakin
Comment No. 713307 July 20 18:18 GBR Oi, Georgina, can we go home now? All the other kids have gone. It's getting dark. Look, my Dad's waiting out there. Oh, miss!
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 713323 July 20 18:24 GBR @Marvelment: Condaleezable... love it.
Has the RPSCA been investigating Mike for messing with farm animals? It's tease-a-bull.
arabjew
Comment No. 713328 July 20 18:26 GBR thanks everybody, its been totally risible.
have a nice weekend
(just saw it's on 1063 before this post - does that mean we win?)
selondon
Comment No. 713348 July 20 18:36 GBR Well, its been a wonderful couple of days - can't recall laughing so much in ages, thank you everyone, especially you, Mike, who made it all possible (of course I mean feasible), this is what the internet was invented for... you united a city, nay - a whole country - in laughter. Quite an achievement. Thank you Guardian peoples for keeping the thread open, its turned out to be an amazing repository of talent and wit...
Aaaaaah, the hair, the underground car parks, the bendy buses, I'll never forget it.
This episode has shown up the Conservatives as the bunch of tossers they really are, that they might have taken this vain, pompous moron seriously for a microsecond is astounding. So rubbish are they that have almost ensured another term for Ken. Either that or one of the other clapped-out right wing DJs and columnists will squeeze through (Nick Ferrari? Gary Bushell? Saints preserve us!!! London will be a bleedin' laughing stock).
But mainly, I'm left with this idea: he really thought people would vote for him with that hair... amazing...!
moook
Comment No. 713363 July 20 18:45 GBR F*ck me, is this still going?
Even Michael Portillo (I believe) said that whoever stood as Tory candidate for Mayor of London would be a laughing stock. And if they're going to have a laughing stock, they may as well have the biggest turd of the lot.
Vote Mike! Woo-yay!
Off for a beer now. Cheerio, chaps!
AllyF
Comment No. 713367 July 20 18:46 GBR {{{POPPING OF CHAMPAGNE CORKS}}}
It's a record!
Mike is officially a record breaker!
Congratulations Sir Michael Read. With your bendy buses, underground car parks and policeman at every tube station, you have trod all over Israel-Palestine, marched bravely through the clash of civilisations and even put God in his place.
We salute you.
IsMikeReadGayOrFakin
Comment No. 713378 July 20 18:52 GBR ...perhaps Mike Read is Alan Rusbridger...
Fray
Comment No. 713393 July 20 18:58 BGR Is it feasible that this is the last word and that word was F@@@@
Thank you all
BearintheWoods
Comment No. 713396 July 20 19:01 GBR Thanks to everyone for a toatally feasible ride. Have great weekends. P.S. I'm not Spartacus
LesterJones
Comment No. 713407 July 20 19:06 SWE Yeah, cheers you lot.
roomwithaview
Comment No. 713409 July 20 19:07 GBR YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH !!!!!
Oh shit ! There goes my chance of being elected.
DJMikeRead
Comment No. 713430 July 20 19:16 GBR You're all a load of C*@TS
ArthurBostrom
Comment No. 713433 July 20 19:18 GBR And so, children, it comes to pass that this thread shall at last be parked underground and sealed there. Selah. But despair not, little ones, for now is the time to make music! Act! Dance! And, above all, WRITE!
OldLefty
Comment No. 713451 July 20 19:31 GBR @DJMikeRead Mike - is it really you? ... all together now.... is it feasible?
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 713454 July 20 19:32 GBR In case you missed it, I'm definately not standing for London Mayor, and don't any of your bas*@ards try and stop me... from not standing, if you see what I mean.
Surely as a Londoner who is down with the crews Mike Read is geezerble.
That's it for me. I'll comment again if it's still going on Monday.
Oh, and yes, let's see this in a full G2 special, or a book... or a movie. If they can turn Harry Potter into a movie why not this? eh? Cliff will do the soundtrack and Mike will bring his crew.
Fray
Comment No. 713455 July 20 19:33 As Long as It is Feasible to BLog.
I shall blog ;-)
Ciao Bye Lovely party, must doing it again soon.
Altogether now RELAX!!!
shazlee
Comment No. 713482 July 20 19:45 GBR Come on lets aim for 1200 posts.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 713486 July 20 19:47 GBR I think the moderators went home and forgot to turn it off...
shazlee
Comment No. 713490 July 20 19:49 GBR OOPs
forgot to say that Boris was an absolutley superb presenter on Have I got News for you!
Let Boris be free!
shazlee
Comment No. 713491 July 20 19:50 GBR Really?
So we keep going over the weekend?
Great!
So lets now aim for 2000 posts!
shazlee
Comment No. 713495 July 20 19:53 GBR Mike Read is an absolutley superb DJ.
shazlee
Comment No. 713497 July 20 19:54 GBR Anybody else wanna join in for the 2000 target
bluetuliproseread
Comment No. 713503 July 20 19:57 GBR http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/6233837.stm
Oh lordy.... not a great time to be a Tory is it? Then again, when is it?
shazlee
Comment No. 713504 July 20 19:57 GBR Georgina Henry is also absolutely superb (forgotten what she does - Oh yes Talk policy person)
shazlee
Comment No. 713512 July 20 20:03 GBR Georgina Henry is also absolutely superb person
Happy now moderators?
shazlee
Comment No. 713522 July 20 20:06 GBR Ok then
George Bush is great! ( whilst I fight the urge to empty the contents of my stomach)
shazlee
Comment No. 713523 July 20 20:06 GBR Ok then
George Bush is great! ( whilst I fight the urge to empty the contents of my stomach)
Fray
Comment No. 713531 July 20 20:13 I really have to go NOW. To do all the things that I should have been doing the last 3 day like wash and eat, oh and work. Clean the keyboard as it is sticky, from snorting various food and beverages over it, via nose. (reading and eating has never been so dangerous)
Shazlee: how do you manage to blog quicker than 30 mins? As a blogging near virgin I'd like to know the secret. The half hour wait is hell on my nails.
As always it has been feasibly the best blog ever and I've lurked in many.
Good night, back tomorrow.
PS If we are going for 2,000 Count me in (tomorrow)
misharialadwani
Comment No. 713534 July 20 20:14 GBR Jesus, am I dreaming? Just checked in before going out to see what our final count was and..ZOWEE!!!!-they haven't cut us off!!! Either Georgina is being exceptionally kind,(entirely possible),or she's really curious as to how long we can keep this up.Speaking for myself...forever sounds about right.. lovely to see,(you know what I mean),you all again..oh,please let it still be on when I get back,puleeeeez..do you really think they just forgot ? no matter,in a while crocodiles,and for you alligators,well,I'll see you..after an amount of time has elapsed..wheeeee,this has cheered me up no end.
deb1
Comment No. 713556 July 20 20:29 GBR Who's still playing with Wikipedia? "Feasible Writing", "Miscreants"........
Will this blog stay on Wiki even when Cif closes it down?
I'm quite glad they are closing this down soon. Otherwise we will be back again, and again, and it will become one giant love fest...
Then, there's always Wikipedia - keep it up (-:
bluetuliproseread
Comment No. 713572 July 20 20:40 GBR I take full credit for his "confirmed bachelor" status however I cannot take credit for the Miscreant genius.
I'm just off now to tamper with Cliff's ... his page that is.
Notgullible
Comment No. 713634 July 20 21:18 GBR The Grauniad could well consider getting Mike Read to write a regular column (to which we could respond) as there is obviously a surprising interest in the profoundly mediocre and fifth rate. When people with such a high opinion of themselves (with their head firmly up their own fundament) and their opinions are given their head it seems to kick start our better critical faculties and produce an amazingly interesting and highly entertaining series of comments.
I still think it was Craig Brown though.
deb1
Comment No. 713644 July 20 21:23 GBR Bluetuliproseread
I definitely think there should be a thread on Mike Read article in
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/6233837.stm
Thank you. It takes the satire to new hights.....
Not for Mike Read particularly - definitely that but we've done it - but the whole naive approach of the Tories to the regular brain.
Last post till after weeknd. Hopefully.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 713662 July 20 21:37 GBR "Shazlee: how do you manage to blog quicker than 30 mins?"
Ok, back sooner than expected... try the back button on your browser, just after posting. ;-)
shazlee
Comment No. 713672 July 20 21:44 GBR Fray
the magic of back button. Press back button after posting. Then edit the post you posted.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 713676 July 20 21:47 GBR See!
a few interesting insights at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Read
IsMikeReadGayOrFakin
Comment No. 713681 July 20 21:51 GBR I thought this was closing. I strongly suspect the Grundiaa has a political motive in keeping it open. I may get bored soon, unless someone can advise me whether Mike gardens up hill or down dale, or just bottles it up like Cliff 'Ridiculous Christian' Richard.
bluetuliproseread
Comment No. 713686 July 20 21:54 GBR Oh god.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=rMAKwxpXbVg
RobinBrown
Comment No. 713692 July 20 21:58 HUN According to that last BBC article about Read running for Mayor he said he's 'steeped in wisdom and a BIT of common sense'. Now all becomes clear. He's a philosopher but almost unworldly, nearly a saint in some ways. An idealist. His ridicule on this blog makes him a martyr for the cause of the wise, the good and the just against the miscreants who ought now to be sealed forever into this blog by the editors of this portal. etc etc..
ThurrockHunt
Comment No. 713699 July 20 22:02 GBR Thanks, whathavetheydone, I just buckled my spine laughing. Going to lie down now.
whathavetheydone
Comment No. 713732 July 20 22:22 GBR Should we petition the BBC to get Mikey onto Have I Got News For You?!
I think he'd be ideal for Merton's team.
Javery
Comment No. 713735 July 20 22:23 GBR This evening, I was determined to read guardianonline for some serious comment on the days events and NOT waste time enjoying myself with this hugely entertaining column. So I read Jeremy Bradshaw's comment on the Tory election fiasco at Ealing Southall, which simply proves that Mike Read isn't the only deluded Tory in the world (can that be feasible.) As if that wasn't amusing enough someone -timetomoveon Ithink - had written AGREEING with much of Jeremy's optimism for a bright new Tory future and stated that "Brown will get his cumuppance" !! Wish he'd posted that on this column - I would have loved to have seen what you all could have made of that!
IsMikeReadGayOrFakin
Comment No. 713741 July 20 22:27 GBR Thanks for that, bluetulip.
"What do you remember as a highlight?" "I liked when it was over"
tiskit
Comment No. 713748 July 20 22:30 GBR I am thoroughly impressed...
Mike Read: you have inspired a thread that has in turn inspired me to de-lurk - if only to contribute to the 2000 goal.
GreenLake
Comment No. 713801 July 20 23:06 USA whathavetheydone:
Oh no! I just checked out the wikipedia link! you maughty, naughty person! That is beyond brilliant!
LesterJones
Comment No. 713812 July 20 23:14 SWE Ive never found Wikipedia as useful as I have after this thread...Thanks to all responsible..brilliant
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 713820 July 20 23:18 GBR Back from the pub, and Jesus H Christ if the thread isn't still going.
Those Wikipedia edits are unadulterated genius, by the way. Especially the "miscreants" and "blueprint" sections.
How long will the Wiki last? We shall see. How long will this thread last? We shall see.
Perhaps we should start a Mike Read Wiki site (or go nuts on uncyclopedia.org). I'll be someone has blueprints drawn up and ready to go. Every word about Read, written by Read for Read and his visitors (Sir Cliff and the charming Stanley).
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 713822 July 20 23:19 GBR Does this double post malarkey actually work?
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 713828 July 20 23:24 GBR Look up Mike Read on www.uncyclopedia.org and wade in there...
LondonFido
Comment No. 713842 July 20 23:33 GBR It's still going. Uh, oh...I've got the feeling the Guardian are now actually conducting an experiment to see how long this will go on, if left to it's own devices. We could be entering a weird Mike Read parallel universe. Given enough time and posts (pace Darwin and Dworkin) the thread might evolve into some new virtual life form. It's genes have already appeared in Wikipedia - it might mutate into Second Life. Who knows where it might go from there...Nurse.....NURSE......................
LondonFido
Comment No. 713850 July 20 23:36 GBR Thank you, Nurse, I'm feeling better now - and yes this double post malarkey works
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 713862 July 20 23:41 GBR We got a mention in the B3TA newsletter by the way. They were much impressed.
LondonFido
Comment No. 713871 July 20 23:50 GBR ItIsFeasible - love Uncyclopedia - just posted an encrustation
arabjew
Comment No. 713873 July 20 23:51 GBR has anybody else noticed that in that bbc piece it said that he was going to 'work with a PR agent who has "trained" politicians in the past'
did he pay someone to write that for him?
worst pr firm ever
arabjew
Comment No. 713875 July 20 23:53 GBR aha so it does
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 713882 July 20 23:59 GBR Done a bit more to the unencyclopedia - loving your work London! It's all pretty and organised now.
shazlee
Comment No. 713884 July 21 0:01 GBR I am of the opinion that the guardian are being favourable to Boris by allowing this thread to continue and go on towards the 2000 mark whereas thread about Ken is closed after 3 days.
Boris could probably use the the fact that this thread has broken the CIF posts record in his favour but I am not sure how?
misharialadwani
Comment No. 713888 July 21 0:02 GBR 'ullo,'ullo'ullo..woss orl this then ? A gathering of hindividjools discussing the Mayoral Sichooashun ? A likely story..I must ask you to accompany me to the station..move along,there..nothing to see here.. Evening all..just checked Wiki...whathavetheydone,you irrepressible japester..magical..feasible,unfeasible, feasibility,blueprints,incredulous contempt..I haven't trusted Wiki for ages.Months ago I opened an account using a fake name and a disposable e-mail address and was free to edit entries almost instantly..It always amuses me to see to posters on other threads constantly using Wiki to back their arguments. @Javery-I read that Bradshaw piece too..the Jesuitical contortions of logic he used to try to put a gloss on a Tory disaster were hilarious.."..people like a winner.",was how he ended.Uhm,yes,and you just...uhm,lost..bit like saying "Yes,my house burned down,but it's great news.I've now got lots of charcoal and it's right where I can get at it,in the sitting room..and the kitchen..and the bedroom and..". I shall return with more from the Mike Read Songbook including his legendary collaboration with the late Syd Barret,available here for the first time,on The Mother Of All Threads,where news breaks and reputations break even faster..
LondonFido
Comment No. 713892 July 21 0:07 GBR ItIsFeasible - wow - fast work - misharialadwani get onto Uncyclopedia
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 713909 July 21 0:18 GBR The Wikipedia stuff has been reverted by a killjoy! There are several options open to us:
1. Panic 2. Declare war on Wikipedia and insert the word feasible into EVERY SINGLE ARTICLE. 3. Mourn, sway, sit shiva, rinse and repeat 4. Concentrate all efforts on http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Mike_Read
It's make-your-mind-up time
misharialadwani
Comment No. 713917 July 21 0:24 GBR Hey,uncyclopedia's fun..I just gave the Chinchillas an outing.
misharialadwani
Comment No. 713918 July 21 0:24 GBR Hey,uncyclopedia's fun..I just gave the Chinchillas an outing.
misharialadwani
Comment No. 713922 July 21 0:30 GBR @ItIsFeasible-I would dearly love to stick the word "feasible" into every single Wiki entry..but we must bide our time.When the cult of The Feasible One has recruited millions to our Holy cause,then we strike,NyahahahahahhaNyaNyahahahhahahah... (diabolical laughter,strokes domestic tabby cat).
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 713925 July 21 0:35 GBR We could start a religion-that-is-not-at-all-a-cult like Scientology did.
Feasiblology? Creadibility? Catholicism?
Hold on - that last one rings a bell...
ItIsFeasible
Comment No. 713929 July 21 0:40 GBR London, Mishari - loving that you guys are running with the ball (or is it the man? I can't recall) on the article. I shall retire for the night now, and pray that the dawn will break on an unprecedented fourth day of commenty goodness.
For London, England, and St Cliff!
misharialadwani
Comment No. 713943 July 21 0:49 GBR Get this..uncyclopedia's Mike entry is now sporting a notice from the moderators saying," This page seems to be lacking in humour or satire."..Oh,I get it,they've spelled humour in the US u-less fashion..Mike is unknown in the US..How is his possible ?
LondonFido
Comment No. 713948 July 21 0:51 GBR Think we might have to work stealthily on Big Wiki - good stuff remains though. Uncyclopedia expands (not got the hang of links yet but will work on it). I too am retiring for the evening - misharialadwani - we'll leave the thread in your capable hands. 1127 posts - not bad at all. Mayoral situation will be resolved on 1 May 2008 - imagine keeping this going until then.......Nurse........NURSE
LondonFido
Comment No. 713960 July 21 1:01 GBR misharialadwani - you're right, they don't know about Mike Read and the Church of Latter Day Feasibility - they have no idea of the tsunami of stuff that could be heading their way. Could the night shift from the US and other points west please attend to http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Mike_Read
themanwithnoname
Comment No. 714026 July 21 1:58 GBR Dear Mr Read
I wouldn't give tuppence to think as you do.
Brian Sewell.
Xobbo
Comment No. 714043 July 21 2:19 JPN He was right about home taping, you know. If we hadn't all simultaneously stopped doing it in 1983 there would be NO music left by now.