Portal:Television

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The Television Portal

Television is the end product of a signal produced by a stream of electrons impacting on the phosphors of a cathode ray tube. This relatively simple device also happens to be the worst thing to have ever happened to the human race's intelligence. Well, until the Internet that is.

Television also makes you think the images are moving. Television sets contain high levels of drugs which wirelessly and invisibly enter your body orally. The "picture" on a television screen is actually simply black with nothing. This has been considered by scientists as to why many children and teenagers are addicted to watching television; there are many bright colours in children's programmes, and bright colours can cause double levels of the "teledrug" (the top secret mixture of drugs in a TV set) to feed into the children's brains, so as they are mesmerised by the drugs, more feeds into their tiny little brains. This is said to be why the number of children with autism is increasing. (Full article...)

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Obviously, this is not some kind of fucking joke.

It's been a long day at the office for you. Driving home, all you can think about is walking through the door, grabbing a bag of Jalapeño Cheddar flavored Cheetos, plopping down onto your recliner, and watching reruns of The Cosby Show and Three's Company until you've passed out. Well, at least you wish that was all you could think about, but somehow you can't manage to get that image out of your head of that very large woman at your office having her clothes ripped off by that copy machine. Remembering this only makes the prospect of passing out in your chair that much more comforting, while also giving you a significant case of the chills.

You arrive in your driveway and close the car door, locking it tightly as you do every day, with the purpose of letting some of the more embarrassing things you keep in there stay secret. As you walk up the driveway, you quickly check your face for any signs of smeared lipstick...

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Highlighted News

Blasphemy.

ATLANTA, Georgia -- As we know from Christian televangelists, the wrath of God is normally visited upon communities and businesses for their moral degeneracy, or their tolerance thereof. One need only to look at the hurricanes and tsunamis that have recently ravaged the promiscuous and permissive modern-day Sodoms of New Orleans and Thailand, among other places. But God is also wrathful at those who tarnish his message of love and faith with shitty TV shows and movies.

As a case in point, within the past four months God has tried twice to burn down the studios of outspoken Christian film and TV producer Tyler Perry...

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Article credit: GlobalTourniquet

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Did You Know...

… Neil Patrick Harris hates watching television, unless it's Grey's Anatomy or House MD?

… every time you turn on your television, your high school P.E. teacher cries?

… David Attenborough and Steve Irwin used to be very close friends?

… Tony Danza is actually the boss, but it depends on which witch from Charmed is your favorite?

… if you watch The Facts of Life backwards episode by episode, it unlocks the secrets of the universe?

… Bob Saget auditioned for the role of MacGuyver?

… William Shatner and Henry Winkler often share girlfriends?

… if your mom hadn't let you watch so much television, you'd find Wikipedia more entertaining than Uncyclopedia?

… Wade Wells isn't really a pixie, it's just her haircut?

… this portal needs more did you knows?

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Image credit: Joey Wonton

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Highlighted Biography

John Tesh in his early years.

John Frank "E.T." Tesh (born July 9, 1952) has explored and conquered many facets of the entertainment and broadcasting industries. In a surprisingly successful career that now spans more than 25 years, Tesh has become known as a respected leader in Television, Radio, Film, Music, and Space Exploration, rivalled only in popularity by Howard Stern. People worldwide have enjoyed John Tesh; both his music, and his witty quips on “The John Tesh Radio Show,” but what most people don't know is that John Tesh is in fact an alien. That's right. The "E.T." in his name stands for Extra Terrestrial, and has nothing to do with his ten year stint as host of Entertainment Tonight.

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Article credit: Zana Dark

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Things You Can Do

Shut up and watch TV, kids!!

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Things You Should Know

Inventors and pioneers: Alan Archibald Campbell-Swinton • Alan Blumlein • Allen B. DuMont • Boris Grabovsky • Boris Rosing • Charles Francis Jenkins • Constantin Perskyi • David Sarnoff • John Logie Baird • Kálmán Tihanyi • Paul Gottlieb Nipkow • Philo Taylor Farnsworth • Vladimir Zworykin

Terms: Composite monitor • HDTV • Liquid crystal display television • PAL • NTSC • TVL • Television licence

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What's On?

HowTo:Find the Remote Control • HowTo:Turn Your Television On • My damn TV won't work • Why?:Is there a hashtag on my TV screen • Why?:Won't this stupid TV work?!? • Indian Head Test Pattern: The Complete First Season • Mystery Science Theater 3000

The A-Team • American Dad • Armenia's Next Top Model • Baldrick • Blackadder • Das Love Boot • Detective Bukkake of the 187th Precinct • Dexter • Ed, Edd n Eddy • Father Knows Best • Frasier • Full House • H.R. Pufnstuf • House M.D. • I Dream of Jeannie • I Love Lucy • Jihad My Ride • Law and Order • Leave it to Beaver • Lost • Mad TV • My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic • My Name Is Earl • Opeth • Oscar the Grouch • Paradise Lost • Pimp My Ride • Pinky and the Brain • Prison Break • Robot Chicken • Saturday Night Live • Scooby Doo • Sex and the City • South Park • Star Trek • The Adventures of Stan Lee's Toupee • The Biggest Loser • The Daily Show • The French Prince of Bel Air • The Larry Sanders Show • The Office (US Version) • The Simpsons • The Sopranos • The West Wing • The X-Files • Torchwood • Touched by an Uncle • Wilde On