New Cooler Edition
Hey, kids, wanna hear something cool?! Listen up, 'cuz we're gonna talk about the coolest guy who ever lived: Jesus!
I'll bet you think the Bible is boring, right? Wrong! The Bible is the coolest Book ever written, and I can prove it! Did you know the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles helped save Noah's Ark during the Flood?! Or that Jesus rode a velociraptor into Jerusalem!? Or that robots from the future tried to stop David from defeating Goliath!? Well, it's all right here, in the New Cooler Edition of the Holy Bible!
Cast of characters
- Jesus – The Master, so tough he's a pacifist. Stand back guys, he's dangerously pacifistic!
- God (Yah-weh-oh!) – Imagine a giant, wise, old Ninja master – from the future. Now imagine him in space – with an army of elite Flaming Sword warriors. Now imagine some Lovecraftian-esque entity kicking that guy's ass. That's God.
- Apostles – There's twelve of these guys, twelve of the most high-flying, action packed Jews you never want to meet, in this life. Not to be confused with the Apostates.
- Mary – Mary! Mary! Why ya' Buggin? Your kid is Jesus!
- Satan-os – Stand back guys, we've got a trouble maker on our hands. Responsible for the deaths of superheroes, Satan-os is a powerful Zillack warlord with an axe to grind. An axe of fury.
- Joseph – Well now boy, how ya gonna learn to swim if you keep floating?
- Angels – Yah-Weh-Oh's elite bodyguards. These dudes are giant laser robot chimeras from space with a bazillion wings covered with eyes. They ride giant laser UFOs who are on FIREǃǃǃ And they can destroy you forever with their GIANT ELECTRIC EYE LASERS WHO ARE ON FIREǃǃǃ They praise God with weaponized FIREǃǃǃ They have burning katanas whose fire is on FIREǃǃǃ They know secret martial arts of FIREǃǃǃ manipulation. They also can pose as people, just like a Ninja, even if anyone can notice that they're on FIREǃǃǃ. And their burning FIREǃǃǃ shoots motherflerken THUNDERǃǃǃ
The Old Skool Testament
The Old Skool Testament are the stories of Yah-Weh-Oh and his crew and their b-boy battle against the evil alien warlord Satan-os Zillak!
Genesis
In the beginning, God, who is sometimes called Yah-Weh-Oh, or just Yahweh, made everything! Pretty cool, huh? Even more amazing he created everything in six days and a long long long long long long long long long long time ago. That means what they tell you at school is a hoax! Have you guys ever made anything cool, like a cool model airplane? Imagine making a whole model world! Pretty sweet huh? God just turned on his super-powerful computer and designed the entire world in six days! And you know what he did on the seventh day? He just chilled. That's pretty cool! He made Adam and Eve, too, and put them in Paradise. But there was trouble brewing. You see, when Adam was made, Satan-os, a very evil sorcerer, tried to kill him. Ever since, he's been seeking his revenge on Adam.
First Satan-os turned himself into a giant snake, and kidnapped Eve! And it wasn't just a normal snake either, it was a firebreathing snake with legs of doom! Adam found the Apple of Destiny, which transformed him into a super-powerful kung fu master. He found Satan, and battled him for fifty hours straight! It was totally sweet! Adam totally flipped out and went all wha-cha and kicked Satan-os in the head. Man, you should have seen it, it was wicked. In the end, Adam won! He and Eve then left the Garden to strike it out on their own together, and lived happily ever after. Then God gave them an awesome speedboat, and they sailed off into the sunset to do battle with the wicked Sun Midgets of the far East. Pretty cool story huh? That's how it is with all God's stories, because that's how awesome God is. Don't you want to be awesome like God!?
Much later, Adam's great-great-great-grandson Noah had an adventure of his own. God told Noah something really bad was going to happen. It seemed that orcs were plaguing the planet, God would have to flood the whole world! Noah made a huge boat, called the Ark, and brought all the animals on board, along with the Apple of Destiny, which he still had in his possession.
It rained and rained and rained, until the Earth was starting to flood. Satan didn't like this at all, and called forth a great army of Orcs to steal the Ark and kill Noah! Noah didn't know what to do. He was standing near some turtles, holding the Apple of Destiny, and thinking about the situation. Then, all of a sudden, a lightning bolt struck the Apple and destroyed it, but its power went into the four turtles standing near Noah. The turtles were transformed into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! They jumped down and fought the whole army of Orcs with their ninja weapons, and saved Noah and the Ark with a little help from Adam and his rocket speedboat! Then, Epic lulz ensued aft. Then they got out Noah's X-Box, played Halo and ate pizza until the flood went away. Pretty sweet story, huh?
Exodus
Many many years later, the people had become enslaved by the Pharaoh of Egypt, a deadly ninja with an army of hellish Scarab men. One of God's Chosen People, Moses, didn't like this at all, but he didn't know what he could do about it. Then, God came down and told him he was the Chosen One, and gave him a magical staff, and a deck of mystical cards. There were ten cards, each with its own power. Moses played the first one, and it turned all of the Pharoah's water red and poisonous. The Pharaoh countered with a Clean Water card! What was Moses to do!? Moses then laid down the second, the Thousand-frogs card, which summoned a swarm of battle frogs! Holy God, a thousand frogs!? Moses was really laying it down, wasn't he? But then the evil Pharaoh countered with a Frogstomp card, which stomped the frogs! Can you believe it?! Moses then played the Super Dragon, Darkness, and Omega-10 cards together to make the sky go dark and a huge Omega-10 Dragon appear! The Pharaoh then revealed that he was Satan-os all along! The dragon fought with Satan and his army, and Moses led his people out of Egypt while Satan was distracted with the mighty Dragon of Might. Satan-os beat the dragon, though, and chased Moses across the vast desert of bones. Moses then used the magical staff to part the Red Sea, which allowed him to lead his peeps across. When Satan-os chased him, Moses threw out the Royal Flush card to close the Red Sea all around Satan, who disappeared beneath the waves. As a reward, Yah-Weh-Oh gave Moses ten more cards – the Mystical Commandment cards, which he used to help him rule Justly over his people. God also gave Moses some sweet pogs!
Moses then led his people to Israel, the Promised Land, where they lived together in peace and reggae for all eternity! Or did they?
Chronicles
They didn't. Soon after, the terrible Philistines mysteriously began to become more powerful and vampyre-like. The Israelite vampyre hunters tried to fight them with stakes and holy water, but somehow the Philistines had gotten ahold of lasers! Huge lasers! David, who had always dreamed of being the leader of the Israelite vampyre hunters, began to fight back with a magical stake handed down to him by his father, who got it from his grandfather, and so on. Finally, David met the Final Boss, Goliath, on the field of battle. Goliath was thirty feet tall, and carried a huge laser cannon, shot missiles out of his arms, and housed a powerful thermonuclear device. David managed to dodge the laser blasts, trying to get close enough to drive the stake into Goliath's robotic vampyre heart but suddenly a dimensional portal opened up, and more evil robot vampyres came pouring out! Through the portal, David could see another figure: Satan-os! He was behind this all along, giving the Philistines technology from the future! What was David to do?! Surely he was doomed! But no, David used the rocket engine on his magical stake to fire into Goliath's heart, where it set off the thermonuclear device, destroying all the other robot vampyres! After, Satan-os fled and the Israelites elected David their King, where he ruled for two hundred years of Awesome Peace! Sweet story, huh?
Ezekiel
Eventually the Jews worship stupid uncool pagan gods such as M.O.L.O.K.[1], the god of school who is worshipped by giving innocent children math tests, and then Yah-Weh-Oh comes in in the form of a glowing burning robot on a giant crystal spaceship held by many-winged four headed chimera bodyguards from space and their awesome telepathically controlled burning crystal UFOs to speak with Ezekiel about this issue. One of the bodyguards shoots Ezekiel with his robot laser eyes, but then Yah-Weh-Oh goes tell him, that Ezekiel is a very important prophet. He tells Ezekiel to go to a stupid valley with a bunch of old bones, and then, before Ezekiel's amazed eyes, creates an army of robot skeletuns to help fight the evil pagan gods with their lazer eyez. Oh, and Yah-Weh-Oh and his space angels use their lazer fire to blow up the boring scholar city of Edom like you want to burn boring school. But first, they gather the robot skeletunz and Ezekiel and the Jews who don't worship these stupid old school pagan gods to help them batter the Edomite army with kung fu and deactivate Edom's anti-burning lazer shield who prevented Yah-Weh-Oh from lasering the cityǃ And then all the citizens who hate Edom-school go escape thank to Yah-Weh-Oh's fireproof laserproof escape pods.
The New Adventures of Yah-Weh-Oh
The New Adventures of Yah-Weh-Oh, also called the New Testament, picks up the most awesome story ever with a new character: Jesus Christ. Jesus is the son of Yah-Weh-Oh, and even at a young age showed some of Yah-Weh-Oh's magical powers.
Matthew
The birth of Christ was foretold by great prophets from the East, powerful warlords capable of casting immense fireballs and lightning storms. They knew that he would have a lot of power, but his power could grow out of control. They sent three warriors to Bethlehem, where Jesus was to be born, to make sure things were taken care of. You see, they knew Jesus would become too powerful for the mortal realm, they had to stop him now, when he was an infant. A helpless infant, or so they thought! When they got there, a bright star in the sky was shining, and growing brighter and brighter! The warriors knew that this star would eventually consume the whole world if they didn't stop it. Fortunately, they had been told what to do. They turned over baby Jesus, and revealed that he had been born with a tail! If they cut off the tail, though, his power would be stopped. So the evil Eastern Warlords brought out their Wicked Dagger of Slaying +5, and attempted to cut off the tail, but it wouldn't cut. Then, when they looked into baby Jesus' eyes, they saw that they burned with an intense fire, the fire of his psychic powers! Jesus then used his reality warping powers to blast the foolish assassins into space, where they formed the other stars in Orion's belt. From that point on, every foe Jesus vanquished got his own star, and that's how God created the Heavens.
Luke
Later in his life, Jesus had some amazing adventures! When he was young, Christ as he liked to be called, wandered for days, and finally stumbled into what used to be Paradise. However, it was now overrun with dinosaurs! And Satan-os was there trying to shut off the electric fence! If the fence got shut off, there would be all kinds of chaos: the dinosaurs would be free to roam the earth again and learn the forbidden Horadric magic! This could not happen. So Christ made his way through the jungle, but before he reached the control room, he was confronted by a vicious velociraptor! The velociraptor jumped at him, and Christ touched the velociraptor, and the Velociraptor was tamed. He then hopped on the velociraptor and rode him all the way to the control room, where they both crashed through the window and stopped Satan-os from shutting off the fence! Satan-os tried to run away, but he was confronted by an army of Cyborg T-Rexes. Nobody knows the result of this massive battle.
Afterwards, Jesus loved his velociraptor, and rode it almost everywhere he went. He made a lot of friends, who followed him, and all seemed to be going well. Unfortunately, Jerusalem, the Israelites' home city, had been invaded by the evil Roman Empire of Destruction! Jesus gathered an army of five thousand on a hill outside the Fortress City. Unfortunately, they had only two swords and a helmet collectively, so Christ decided to win the battle himself. Christ took the swords, and turned them into lightsabers, which he wielded in each hand. He turned the helmet into a battle tank, which he controlled with his psychic powers, and his velociraptor aided him in the fight. Christ managed to easily destroy the entire Roman Army by himself, using only lightsabers in each palm. Because of this, the day was to be known as Palm Sunday, which became a massive holiday. Christ then rode triumphantly into the city on his velociraptor and was soon elected the new King of the Jews.
John
Unfortunately, things weren't going to always going to stay this good. You see, the Romans wanted to have Jerusalem back, and they would stop at nothing, even murder! Caesar the Bloody amassed a huge army of clone soldiers and attacked the city with his jet fighters. Even with their lightsabers, Christ's followers were unable to stop this assault, and one of Jesus' best friends, Lazarus, was killed in the battle. By the time Jesus learned of this death, Lazarus had been dead for a few days. Understandably, everyone was sad. Jesus, though, told Lazarus to wake up, and he did! Lazarus had come back from the dead! Pretty sweet, huh?
Soon after, the Jews were cornered in their fortress, low on ammunition, with only rocks to throw. Jesus, however, told them not to use them. He said, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." Jesus then knelt, picked up a rock, and hurled it at the Roman army. The rock exploded and obliterated the entire Roman army, leaving a giant crater in its place. This crater is now know as the Mediterranean Sea. Pretty cool, huh?
Revelation
This extra-special story located at the end of the NCE is written entirely in code, which can be decoded with a special decoder ring which can be purchased with two NCE UPCs and a small, one-time payment of only $9.95! Be the first kid on your block to know how the story ends!*
- *batteries and the bible sold separately
Hectór
Hectór was the name of Jesus' pet raptor, whom he rode into Jerusalem on many an occasion. The Book of Hectór is an apocryphal tome recognized as legitimate by only one religion, The Most Supreme Church of Uncyclopedia. The book tells of what happened for the other thirty-nine days when Jesus was in the desert, because being tempted by Satan really shouldn't take a long time. Most Bibles don't specify that Hectór was with Jesus during this episode, but he was, and managed to dictate his story to Joseph of Arimathea after Jesus' death. Apparently Jesus spent a long time getting ready to go to the desert. He had packed a backpack with a tent, some juice boxes, several dozen boxes of animal crackers, and apparently several gallons of water which were promptly turned into wine. Hectór tells us that Jesus got very drunk on the ride to the desert and kept asking "Are we there yet?" only to respond with a disappointed groan when Hectór answered that they were not. Then they arrived in the desert that night (they really didn't need to travel to find a desert, they were in Israel). Hectór then tells us of playing cards with Jesus in the desert, and telling each other jokes, and eating sandwiches on the tops of soft dunes while watching the sun set in the distant sky. Hectór says that even though the sun made your eyes feel hot and dry, and you couldn't see very well after a while, every sunset was worth it. Then Hectór finally tells the story of the temptation by Satan. Apparently Satan was very nice, he asked if he could join them for lunch, to which Hectór and Jesus happily said he could. Satan had brought sandwiches, Ham and cheese, which were Jesus' favorite, and Hectór liked them too. Soon Jesus and Satan went off behind a dune to talk, they told Hectór to stay there, because they were talking about "grown-up stuff". So Jesus made Hectór a toy truck out of a rock and Hectór sat and played with his new truck. Soon, Satan came back from behind the dune, but Jesus wasn't with him, when Hectór asked where his friend was, Satan told him to be quiet and in the words of Hectór "He touched me inappropriately." This is as far as the text goes, we do not, at this point, know what happened to Hectór after this incident, although it is strongly suspected that this is about the time when Jesus and Hectór left the desert to go back to Jerusalem.
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