Portal:History

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The History Portal
Did Hitler build the pyramids?

The History of the World is the history of humanity from the earliest times to the present, in all places on Earth. Or in short, it's all about stuff that happened while there was someone around smart enough to notice that stuff was happening. At first they were iletterite, and passed their memories on using oral tradition, which disappointingly does not relate to the transference of information via oral sex.

Finally someone worked out how to read, and someone else worked out how to write, and recorded history was then born. History can also come from other sources such as archaeology, which involves digging stuff up and making up stories about it. Despite this being a recognised field of science, it is not suggested that you dig up deceased relatives and give them personalities created from your own psychosis.

Human history starts back with the early Stone Age–or the Paleolithic–known as such as that was the time mankind started using stone tools, not because they were regularly stoned. That had to wait until the Neolithic Era and the invention of agriculture (and beer!), thence the invention of animal husbandry. (See more...)

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U.S.–Mexico Border, c. 2025

An old Spanish mission near San Antonio swelters in the swooning Texas heat, surrounded on all sides by over 2,000 Mexican troops under the command of the charismatic devil-spawn known as General Antonio López de Santa Anna. Inside the mission, 260 soldiers of the Republic of Texas know that there is no hope for survival. Their defeat is imminent. Death stares at them, unblinking. But the brave soldiers hold their ground, steadfast in the face of an enemy that crushingly outnumbers them.

They carry with them a fighting spirit that will later lead their fellow countrymen to brilliant victory at the Battle of San Jacinto. Though this battle will last only thirteen days, its legacy will resound through the months to come, rallying the Texan Revolutionaries to fight ever-stronger for their cherished ideals of justice, freedom of religion, freedom of expression... and the right to beat an African slave within an inch of his goddamned life. This is not merely a siege where one side is pelted with canon and musket fire until they are worn down, dehydrated, starved, infected with typhoid fever, used as piñatas for Día de los Muertos festivities and then thrown to the dogs—this is the Battle of the Alamo.

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Titanic sinking atlantic.jpg
Edward Smith, captain of the HMS Titanic, was posthumously charged with "unsafe sailing" and sentenced to 8 hours in traffic school.
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Biggus Dickus (2AD - 70AD) was a notable Roman legate during the reign of Emperor Tiberius and a close friend of Pontius Pilate. He is possibly best-known to modern scholars for his famous speeches outside the senate house in Rome, known as the "Biggus Dickus Ejaculationus". He was also notably present in the Roman province of Judea around the time of Jesus Christ. His wife was Incontinentia Buttocks.

Born into a middle-class family in Italy, the young Dickus soon made himself stand-proud from his fellows with his good looks and proud, tall bearing. In his youth, he took the curious fashion decision to shave all the hair on his head off every morning and the "gleaming, shiny head" of Biggus Dickus became a sensation in the streets of the city. He soon insinuated himself with friends of the Emperor Augustus and there were rumours in Roman society that some of Augustus's freedmen had made Biggus their catamite. Indeed, one such man Sextus Maximus had been heard to say that he craved Biggus Dickus.

Did You Know?
  • ... that Queen Victoria and Prince Albert made love inside every room at Buckingham Palace? It is said one can still hear their romps echoing through the royal halls...
  • ... that Erich Hartmann, inspired by the success of Red Baron Pizza, released his own line of Blond Knight Casseroles?
  • ... that Erich Hartmann, inspired by the success of Red Baron Pizza, released his own line of Blond Knight Casseroles?
  • ... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
This Day in History

July 6: Man Milk Day

  • 3100 BC – Village idiot starts sucking on a cow's titty; discovers milk.
  • 2300 BC – Chinese religious officers declared that drinking milk is a sin.
  • 1609 – Bohemia is granted freedom of religion. The Bohemians snap their fingers in approval.
  • 1732 – The 'Running of the Bulls' Festival in Pamploma, originally, 'The Drowning of the Animals' Festival, undergoes Major overhaul. PETA established.
  • 1946 – George W. Bush born; record numbers of brain death recorded in America.
  • 1977 – Idiot deems day "Man Milk Day" and proceeds to schedule lame events (Editor advises they read the article "How To Be Funny And Not Just Stupid")
  • 1978 – Margaret Thatcher blesses the first man to be milked.
  • 1986 – Mike Portnoy founded the band Dream Theater
  • 1988 – Shemales riot near Rio de Janeiro to obtain the rights for selling their milk to earn a living.
  • 1996 – Mike Portnoy travels back in time to found the band Dream Theater
  • 2004 – Man Milk is found to be an excellent source of energy for athletes. Naturally, using it in this fashion is outlawed by the U.N. under pressure by the Gatorade overlords of the universe.
  • 2006 – San Seattle Riot kills 6 Caloringtons
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