Portal:History

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The History Portal
Did Hitler build the pyramids?

The History of the World is the history of humanity from the earliest times to the present, in all places on Earth. Or in short, it's all about stuff that happened while there was someone around smart enough to notice that stuff was happening. At first they were iletterite, and passed their memories on using oral tradition, which disappointingly does not relate to the transference of information via oral sex.

Finally someone worked out how to read, and someone else worked out how to write, and recorded history was then born. History can also come from other sources such as archaeology, which involves digging stuff up and making up stories about it. Despite this being a recognised field of science, it is not suggested that you dig up deceased relatives and give them personalities created from your own psychosis.

Human history starts back with the early Stone Age–or the Paleolithic–known as such as that was the time mankind started using stone tools, not because they were regularly stoned. That had to wait until the Neolithic Era and the invention of agriculture (and beer!), thence the invention of animal husbandry. (See more...)

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U.S.–Mexico Border, c. 2025

An old Spanish mission near San Antonio swelters in the swooning Texas heat, surrounded on all sides by over 2,000 Mexican troops under the command of the charismatic devil-spawn known as General Antonio López de Santa Anna. Inside the mission, 260 soldiers of the Republic of Texas know that there is no hope for survival. Their defeat is imminent. Death stares at them, unblinking. But the brave soldiers hold their ground, steadfast in the face of an enemy that crushingly outnumbers them.

They carry with them a fighting spirit that will later lead their fellow countrymen to brilliant victory at the Battle of San Jacinto. Though this battle will last only thirteen days, its legacy will resound through the months to come, rallying the Texan Revolutionaries to fight ever-stronger for their cherished ideals of justice, freedom of religion, freedom of expression... and the right to beat an African slave within an inch of his goddamned life. This is not merely a siege where one side is pelted with canon and musket fire until they are worn down, dehydrated, starved, infected with typhoid fever, used as piñatas for Día de los Muertos festivities and then thrown to the dogs—this is the Battle of the Alamo. (See more...)

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Philosophysaber.jpg
Socrates, known Jedi Master, was known for his verbal and lightsaber battles with his once-pupil, Darth Plato.
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American Empire Amerigo wanted to be a chef.gif

Amerigo Vespucci (March 9, 1454 – February 22, 1512) was an Italian cartographer. Born in Florence, he quickly established a fondness for two things: drawing maps and naming things after himself. These twin obsessions made him something of a social outcast in his own time; however, he has since attracted a certain degree of renown. Vespucci once held the distinction of being the only historical figure to become immensely famous for doing absolutely nothing noteworthy; however, this accomplishment was eventually replicated by George Washington Carver and, later, by Kim Kardashian.

Vespucci was born to wealthy merchant Giovanni Vespucci and his wife, whose name history has forgotten because women are not important. A popular tale holds that Vespucci's first act on earth was to point to himself and exclaim "Amerigo Vespucci", thereby naming himself. However, this tale is likely apocryphal, because babies cannot speak. In his childhood, Vespucci quickly established a reputation for being something of a dick. This was largely a consequence of his habit of renaming all his classmates "Amerigo Vespucci". (See more...)

Did You Know?
  • ... that Laura Ingalls Wilder, author of the Little House on the Prarie books, attempted to assassinate Franklin D. Roosevelt via a poisoned turnip?
  • ... that the great Wall Street Crash of 1929 led to many opportunities for great photography of homeless people and farmers covered in dust the following years?
  • ... that Queen Victoria and Prince Albert made love inside every room at Buckingham Palace? It is said one can still hear their romps echoing through the royal halls...
  • ... that the Welsh language was created when someone fell asleep on a keyboard?
  • ... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
This Day in History
Who even plays melee anyway.

March 3: Beat Strangers to Death With a Lead Pipe Day

  • 1800's - The inventor of modern pizza gets brutally hit with a comically large rock, it was not a welcoming "per favore".
  • 1938 - Oil is discovered in Saudi Arabia, camel herders use it as a garnish for their camel steaks.
  • 1972 - Jethro Tull releases an album based on what they consider "the most epic poem they've ever read in their life".
  • 1991 - An amateur video captures Rodney King rudely getting in the way of an LAPD officer's jackbooted foot.
  • 1992 - The practice of beating strangers to death with lead pipes (Pictured) first emerges in Post-Soviet Belarus.
  • 2007 - A misplaced comma found in the 1st edition of Infinite Jest haunts David Foster Wallace for the rest of his days.
  • 2017 - Nintendo releases the Nintendo Switch, a device used to preoccupy your little brothers while you wash the pots and pans.
  • 2018 - The UN bans the practice of beating strangers to death with lead pipes, due to concerns about lead poisioning, and advises everyone to instead follow David Harbour's instructions for dealing with strangers.
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