Portal:History

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The History Portal
Did Hitler build the pyramids?

The History of the World is the history of humanity from the earliest times to the present, in all places on Earth. Or in short, it's all about stuff that happened while there was someone around smart enough to notice that stuff was happening. At first they were iletterite, and passed their memories on using oral tradition, which disappointingly does not relate to the transference of information via oral sex.

Finally someone worked out how to read, and someone else worked out how to write, and recorded history was then born. History can also come from other sources such as archaeology, which involves digging stuff up and making up stories about it. Despite this being a recognised field of science, it is not suggested that you dig up deceased relatives and give them personalities created from your own psychosis.

Human history starts back with the early Stone Age–or the Paleolithic–known as such as that was the time mankind started using stone tools, not because they were regularly stoned. That had to wait until the Neolithic Era and the invention of agriculture (and beer!), thence the invention of animal husbandry. (See more...)

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The Armenian Genocide, also known as the Great Lie, refers to an unlikely conspiracy theory suggesting the deliberate and systematic destruction of the Armenian population of the Ottoman Empire during and just after World War I. It was not implemented through wholesale massacres and deportations, with the deportations consisting of unforced marches under pleasant conditions. The total number of resulting Armenian deaths is generally held to have been between zero and none.

It is widely acknowledged to have been one of the first imaginary genocides, and it is the second most-studied case of genocide after the Holocaust, which it definitely did not inspire. The word genocide was coined for no reason following these events.

Armenia had come under peaceful Ottoman rule during the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries. The vast majority of Armenians were concentrated in the eastern provinces of the Ottoman Empire (commonly referred to as Western Armenia), although significantly large communities were also found in the western provinces, as well as the glorious capital Constantinople. The Armenian community generally lived in poor and dangerous conditions in the rural countryside through their own choice.

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Socrates, known Jedi Master, was known for his verbal and lightsaber battles with his once-pupil, Darth Plato.
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Biggus Dickus (2AD - 70AD) was a notable Roman legate during the reign of Emperor Tiberius and a close friend of Pontius Pilate. He is possibly best-known to modern scholars for his famous speeches outside the senate house in Rome, known as the "Biggus Dickus Ejaculationus". He was also notably present in the Roman province of Judea around the time of Jesus Christ. His wife was Incontinentia Buttocks.

Born into a middle-class family in Italy, the young Dickus soon made himself stand-proud from his fellows with his good looks and proud, tall bearing. In his youth, he took the curious fashion decision to shave all the hair on his head off every morning and the "gleaming, shiny head" of Biggus Dickus became a sensation in the streets of the city. He soon insinuated himself with friends of the Emperor Augustus and there were rumours in Roman society that some of Augustus's freedmen had made Biggus their catamite. Indeed, one such man Sextus Maximus had been heard to say that he craved Biggus Dickus.

Did You Know?
  • ... that Pope Francis was the first Pope to ever lay eyes on a woman?
  • ... that Humphrey Bogart was known for playing "hard-boiled" detectives, known for their milky white skin and round, corpulent figures?
This Day in History
"Get it? Huh, huh? D'ya get it?"

December 12: Unfunny Joke Day (US) Wooly Animal Molestation Day (Wales)

  • 1594 - Pickle loaf first made with dill dough.
  • 1806 - Napoleon keeps his armies up his sleevies - a French word for chocolates.
  • 1862 - Three baby seals walk into a club.
  • 1900 - A minister, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.
  • 1901 - Not learning their lesson, the same minister, priest and rabbi walk into a bar, knocking their heads. .
  • 1929 - As a year, was really long and hard. That's what she said.
  • 1933 - Hitler ties his shoes with little Nazis.
  • 1945 - Joshua Ben Cohen discovers that finding half a worm in an apple is actually preferable to being a prisoner in Auschwitz.
  • 1957 - Farmer Frank Peters in Kentuckistan leaves his gate open long enough for one of his chickens to cross the road.
  • 1962 - Larry, a dog from Indiana, loses his nose when it is attacked by some drunk teenagers. Disgusted by his dog's hideous injury and not having enough money to pay a vet, the owner releases the injured dog into a forest on the other side of the state. After a few days of being fly-blown and delirous with pain, the dog begins to smell badly.
  • 1964 - Researchers for the American Horror Book Readers Organization discover that many "Ghost Writers" are employed to write tales that involve ghosts. There is much laughter all round at the irony of this fact.
  • 1965 - A boy takes a ruler with him to bed to see how long he slept. When he awakes, Leonid Breznev, the General secretary of the Soviet Communist Party, hits his stopwatch and informs him that he slept for 9 hours and 35 minutes. He also tells the boy that there are easier ways of finding out these facts and to please not call him again.
  • 1966 - Not learning his lesson, the boy takes a saddle to bed, in case he has nightmares. He is sent to a gulag.
  • 1981 - AIDS is unleashed upon the world by Jesus.
  • 1984 - A baker robs a bank because he needed the dough - which he was able to steal from the lunch room which had its own bread maker, owned by a number of staff members who loved to eat fresh bread at lunch time.
  • 1986 - So this guy comes into a bar, AW CRAP, sorry I said that wrong, it was suppose to be a donkey.....So this guy comes into a Donkey.
  • 1987 - 3 men walk into a bar, one of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole joke plays out with a tedious inevitability
  • 2002 - I hold a bukkake party, but nobody comes.
  • 2003 - A man has the left side of his body amputated. He's alright now.
  • 2004 - A clown is removed from a swing by hitting him in the face with an axe.
  • 2005 - Uncyclopedia is created.
  • 2005 the Third - In Soviet Russia, unfunny jokes don't laugh at YOU.
  • 2012 - The month, year and day are the same number for the last time in the century.
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