Portal:History
The History of the World is the history of humanity from the earliest times to the present, in all places on Earth. Or in short, it's all about stuff that happened while there was someone around smart enough to notice that stuff was happening. At first they were iletterite, and passed their memories on using oral tradition, which disappointingly does not relate to the transference of information via oral sex.
Finally someone worked out how to read, and someone else worked out how to write, and recorded history was then born. History can also come from other sources such as archaeology, which involves digging stuff up and making up stories about it. Despite this being a recognised field of science, it is not suggested that you dig up deceased relatives and give them personalities created from your own psychosis.
Human history starts back with the early Stone Age–or the Paleolithic–known as such as that was the time mankind started using stone tools, not because they were regularly stoned. That had to wait until the Neolithic Era and the invention of agriculture (and beer!), thence the invention of animal husbandry. (See more...)
An old Spanish mission near San Antonio swelters in the swooning Texas heat, surrounded on all sides by over 2,000 Mexican troops under the command of the charismatic devil-spawn known as General Antonio López de Santa Anna. Inside the mission, 260 soldiers of the Republic of Texas know that there is no hope for survival. Their defeat is imminent. Death stares at them, unblinking. But the brave soldiers hold their ground, steadfast in the face of an enemy that crushingly outnumbers them.
They carry with them a fighting spirit that will later lead their fellow countrymen to brilliant victory at the Battle of San Jacinto. Though this battle will last only thirteen days, its legacy will resound through the months to come, rallying the Texan Revolutionaries to fight ever-stronger for their cherished ideals of justice, freedom of religion, freedom of expression... and the right to beat an African slave within an inch of his goddamned life. This is not merely a siege where one side is pelted with canon and musket fire until they are worn down, dehydrated, starved, infected with typhoid fever, used as piñatas for Día de los Muertos festivities and then thrown to the dogs—this is the Battle of the Alamo.
| “ | We have nothing to fear, but fear itself. And the Great Depression. And the Chupacabra. | ” |
— Franklin D. Roosevelt
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Hatshepsut (/hætˈʃɛpsʊt/; also Hatchepsut; meaning Foremost of Noble Ladies; 1508–1458 BC) was the first woman to become pharaoh in Ancient Egypt. She stood at about eight and half feet tall in very high heels, which was comparatively short in the early fifteenth century B.C.E.
Hatshepsut was the only daughter of King Tuthmoses I, pharaoh of Egypt, Lord of the Nile and Master of Ceremonies at the Giza Souvenir Gift Shop. Tuthmoses fell out with the local priests in Memphis over their excessive worship of El-vis and so moved to Thebes in the Deep South of Egypt where crocodile wrestling was still the main cultural event on a Saturday night. The new capital suited 'Tutty' where he had built a large temple with a porch and papyrus decking where he would sit for hours in his sarong, whistling and scratching an extended royal belly. Like all good Southerners, Hatshepsut was expected to marry into her own family - in this case her half-brother Tuthmoses Junior.
- ... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
- ... that Erich Hartmann, inspired by the success of Red Baron Pizza, released his own line of Blond Knight Casseroles?
- ... that statistically, you're probably thinking about the Roman Empire right now? You aren't? Now you are!
- ... that Queen Elizabeth I used approximately 60 tons of talcum powder throughout her reign?
- ... that the Salem witch trials were actually a corporate conspiracy propagated by Big Boulder?
November 13: Quack Like a Duck Day
- 7573 BC - Hermes and Aphrodite have a lovely bouncing boy, Hermaphroditus.
- 832 - Saint Anselm is permabanned from the Vatican for setting fire to the Pope.
- 1972 - Mediocre Britain votes on whether to join the Europe Community, turnout low, result 6-4.
- 1978 - While starring in an open-air production of Shakespeare's Henry V, Sir John Gielgud is carried off by a hunting kingfisher. He is found unharmed some hours later, having tricked the bird into incubating his egg-like head.
- 1990 - The first webcomic is launched, entitled Two Sarcastic Badgers and Some Clipart.
- 2007 - The Gummy Bear™ album gets released in stores much to the exhilaration of a quarter of Earth's population.
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