Portal:History

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The History Portal
Did Hitler build the pyramids?

The History of the World is the history of humanity from the earliest times to the present, in all places on Earth. Or in short, it's all about stuff that happened while there was someone around smart enough to notice that stuff was happening. At first they were iletterite, and passed their memories on using oral tradition, which disappointingly does not relate to the transference of information via oral sex.

Finally someone worked out how to read, and someone else worked out how to write, and recorded history was then born. History can also come from other sources such as archaeology, which involves digging stuff up and making up stories about it. Despite this being a recognised field of science, it is not suggested that you dig up deceased relatives and give them personalities created from your own psychosis.

Human history starts back with the early Stone Age–or the Paleolithic–known as such as that was the time mankind started using stone tools, not because they were regularly stoned. That had to wait until the Neolithic Era and the invention of agriculture (and beer!), thence the invention of animal husbandry. (See more...)

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U.S.–Mexico Border, c. 2025

An old Spanish mission near San Antonio swelters in the swooning Texas heat, surrounded on all sides by over 2,000 Mexican troops under the command of the charismatic devil-spawn known as General Antonio López de Santa Anna. Inside the mission, 260 soldiers of the Republic of Texas know that there is no hope for survival. Their defeat is imminent. Death stares at them, unblinking. But the brave soldiers hold their ground, steadfast in the face of an enemy that crushingly outnumbers them.

They carry with them a fighting spirit that will later lead their fellow countrymen to brilliant victory at the Battle of San Jacinto. Though this battle will last only thirteen days, its legacy will resound through the months to come, rallying the Texan Revolutionaries to fight ever-stronger for their cherished ideals of justice, freedom of religion, freedom of expression... and the right to beat an African slave within an inch of his goddamned life. This is not merely a siege where one side is pelted with canon and musket fire until they are worn down, dehydrated, starved, infected with typhoid fever, used as piñatas for Día de los Muertos festivities and then thrown to the dogs—this is the Battle of the Alamo.

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Socrates, known Jedi Master, was known for his verbal and lightsaber battles with his once-pupil, Darth Plato.
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Hatshepsut (/hætˈʃɛpsʊt/; also Hatchepsut; meaning Foremost of Noble Ladies; 1508–1458 BC) was the first woman to become pharaoh in Ancient Egypt. She stood at about eight and half feet tall in very high heels, which was comparatively short in the early fifteenth century B.C.E.

Hatshepsut was the only daughter of King Tuthmoses I, pharaoh of Egypt, Lord of the Nile and Master of Ceremonies at the Giza Souvenir Gift Shop. Tuthmoses fell out with the local priests in Memphis over their excessive worship of El-vis and so moved to Thebes in the Deep South of Egypt where crocodile wrestling was still the main cultural event on a Saturday night. The new capital suited 'Tutty' where he had built a large temple with a porch and papyrus decking where he would sit for hours in his sarong, whistling and scratching an extended royal belly. Like all good Southerners, Hatshepsut was expected to marry into her own family - in this case her half-brother Tuthmoses Junior.

Did You Know?
  • ... that Erich Hartmann, inspired by the success of Red Baron Pizza, released his own line of Blond Knight Casseroles?
  • ... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
  • ... that Queen Elizabeth I used approximately 60 tons of talcum powder throughout her reign?
  • ... that Pope Francis was the first Pope to ever lay eyes on a woman?
  • ... that Humphrey Bogart was known for playing "hard-boiled" detectives, known for their milky white skin and round, corpulent figures?
This Day in History

November 24: Pete Best's Birthday (UK)

The remaining Beatles slowly step away from Pete Best.
  • 1941 - Pete Best is kicked out of mother's womb. Mother auditions George Best as possible replacement in the family.
  • 1955 - Learns to play drums. Snares, bass and drumsticks go off and socialize with one another, leaving Best out.
  • 1962 - George stares icily at Best during a performance; Paul kicks his drum set during rehearsal; John hires Epstein solely to fire Best.
  • 1962 - Best kicked out of the Beatles, house, and UK. Elizabeth II says her kingdom "wants to go in a new direction."
  • 1970 - John, Paul, George and Ringo join Best in the "Ex-Beatles" group.
  • 2012 - Best celebrates 50th anniversary of Love Me Do release.
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