Portal:History

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The Hisory Portal

The authoritative guide to history... well, at least they used to be.

History is a form of propaganda dedicated to ensuring that people continue to hear the messages of two key groups: 1, the Nazis; and 2, the Confederacy.

Anything that does not pertain to the Nazis or the Confederacy is probably not history. The rest of the planet outside America and Nazi Germany considers this bloody annoying, except for France, who in Modern World History books, as a tribute to their pathetic military history, have been given countless sections. And we all know the only significant contribution of the French to modern civilisation is the Baguette.

This is shown by the fact that 88% of all history ever written has something to do with Adolf Hitler, German attempts to build an atomic bomb, the Battle of Gettysburg, Confederate efforts to build a useful submarine, and the fateful day that Rudolph Hess used the Fuhrer's time machine to go back and bring Stonewall Jackson to what was then the future to ensure a Nazi victory over the Empire of the Moon during World War II. (Full article...)

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Highlighted Article

Perseus about to perform a very short back and sides on Medusa.

Medusa is a good example of what happens if you fall out with a goddess and don't check what is inside a shampoo bottle.

Origins of Medusa

You could say Medusa had a pretty rotten life all round. Her parents were a couple of incestuous sea monsters who spent their time shagging each other underwater or crawling out of the sea to feed on unsuspecting beach wedding parties. Somehow Medusa's parents managed to spit out three daughters who looked at least normal. Euryale and Stheno were passable if a bit creepy but their sister Medusa was the family's princess. Pretty and very pert, Medusa was popular at school but already something was chewing at her heart. One day her parents took a break from their grotesque table manners to inform their daughters of 'the facts of life'. These were that Euryale and Stheno were immortal whereas Medusa wasn't. Apparently that was the deal with the Olympian gods. When she heard the news, Medusa shut herself up in the family cave and burnt all her toys.

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Article credit: Romartus

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Highlighted Picture

Despite public outcries, the Capitain was merely cited for "unsafe driving" and sentenced to 8 hours of Traffic School.

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Image credit: NoNamesLeft

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Quote of the Day

“History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided.”
~ Konrad Adenauer

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Highlighted Biography

Biggus Dickus (2AD - 70AD) was a notable Roman legate during the reign of Emperor Tiberius and a close friend of Pontius Pilate. He is possibly best-known to modern scholars for his famous speeches outside the senate house in Rome, known as the "Biggus Dickus Ejaculationus". He was also notably present in the Roman province of Judea around the time of Jesus Christ. His wife was Incontinentia Buttocks.

Early life

Born into a middle-class family in Italy, the young Dickus soon made himself stand-proud from his fellows with his good looks and proud, tall bearing. In his youth, he took the curious fashion decision to shave all the hair on his head off every morning and the "gleaming, shiny head" of Biggus Dickus became a sensation in the streets of the city.

He soon insinuated himself with friends of the Emperor Augustus and there were rumours in Roman society that some of Augustus's freedmen had made Biggus their catamite. Indeed, one such man Sextus Maximus had been heard to say that he craved Biggus Dickus.

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Article credit: Zarbag

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Did You Know...

… grenades were invented in China over 1,000 years ago.

… in the great fire in London, 1666, half of london was burned down but only 6 people were injured.

… grenades were invented in China over 1,000 years ago.

… the ancient egyptians bought jewerly for their pet crocodiles.

… in the great fire in London, 1666, half of london was burned down but only 6 people were injured.

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This Day in History

May 26 1862: President Lincoln signs into law the Homeless Act. This allows middle class americans with no money to steal over 160 acres from the poor.

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