Portal:Culinary
Food is one of the most dangerous substances known to humankind. It is not only poisonous but carcinogenic, so much so that it or one of its derivatives is found in the tumours of all cancer patients. Unfortunately for us, it is also notoriously hard to avoid and extremely addictive, so you probably eat it every day. The world of conventional medicine has mostly failed to recognise this threat to public safety, going so far as to advocate its consumption. Alternative medicine, however, is well aware of the dangers of food, and alternative doctors never allow their patients to eat it. (See more...)
Cooking ... it's not exactly music... but it's close. Cooking is the act of applying culinary finesse to raw materials a manner that would procreate delectable (needless to say edible) and proper nourishment for humans of civilisation. It is prepared by 90% of the women in the world who come home after hours of grueling sexual harassment and unproductive meetings to apply heat to the meat or frozen dinner in order to satisfy the man. It encompasses a vast range of methods, drawers full of once used tools, and 5 used daily. The combinations of ingredients and rearranged rotations serve to disguise the same old same oldishness of the food. (See more...)
Sir? Excuse me, sir. I don't know if you noticed, but my potato chips are soggy.
My potato chips are fucking soggy. You know why they're soggy?
Because you bumped into me while I was drinking my glass of water and forced several drops over the rim and into my basket which contains a ham and cheese sandwich (thankfully unharmed) and a handful of chips that were up until very recently decidedly NOT soggy.
You think I'm crazy? Look at the name of these chips: Crunchers. Why, pray tell, are they called Crunchers? BECAUSE THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE CRUNCHY. How can they be crunchy if they're motherfucking soggy?
BOCA RATON, Florida – The East coast isn't the only area of America that has seen daily life altered by severe weather this winter. Jack "Buddy" York was the victim of the new year's harsh climate when his annual cookout had to be postponed last Sunday. "This was the fourth annual cookout and this crazy global warming--or global cooling, whatever you want to call it--ruined the whole thing," the 73-year-old said from his condo. York is a native of Augusta, Maine, which along with all of the Northeast, is known for its cold temperatures and major snowfalls this time of year. But the retiree, who moved to Florida seven years ago with his wife of 57 years, Margo, has grown accustomed to his new sunny climate. "It's colder than Clara Bow's tits out there!"
The cookout had to be delayed when the temperature dipped to what York described as a "Nordic ball-numbing" 61 degrees Fahrenheit. This sent most of Boca Raton's residents, with an average age of 70, shuffling inside and under heated blankets. Dale Kern, a member of the Boca Raton City Council, successfully lobbied for the city to be placed under a "weather emergency" for the rest of the day. "I know Buddy had his cookout set for that day, but I did not feel safe allowing our citizens out in those conditions," Kern would later say. But some weren't buying it. "That paper hanger is just mad that I beat him in Pinochle four times in a row on Friday. Spiteful bastard," said York.
Cracker Barrel is a Southern-themed family style restaurant that operates in North America, particularly in the United States. The chain has locations in 41 states with each business consisting of a restaurant and a country store that sells cheap junk that only your grandmother would want to buy. The nostalgia of the "stuff" these folks peddle easily offsets the extremely poor and toxic quality of the goods. The food itself is fairly decent considering it is processed southern comfort food. Cracker Barrels can be found along the fine Interstate Highways of America: if you see an exit or interchange, chances are there's a Cracker Barrel lurking around the corner waiting to ambush unsuspecting travelers.
On a clear blue day in September, 1869, Old Jedediah Smith of Lebanon, Tennessee thought to himself, "Gee wilikers, I could sure make a ton of money peddling our nasty Tennessee cuisine to unsuspecting Yankee travelers. Maybe I could also sell them cheap banjos or scented candles."
The Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice is the longest possible order you could order at Starbucks. Once you have ordered this, you cannot order anything larger. It was ordered only once (in the late 1990's), and it singlehandedly destroyed the economy of South America. It is now illegal in both American Continents, Africa, Asia, Europe, and Antarctica. In fact, it's now illegal everywhere except for a select few unclaimed square inches in the Southern Pacific Ocean and Belgium. The United Nations are working on this problem even as you read this.
Prior to October 26, 2001, the Quadruple Espressinoso Super Grande Light Blueberries And Cream Half-Soy Full City Roast Nonfat Half-caf Organic Caramel Vanilla Iced Double-Shot Macchiato Black Tea Chai Foamed Shaken Sugar-free Cinnamon Eggnog Dolce Peppermint Gingerbread Pumpkin Spice Latte Thrice Blended Extra Hot With Three Ice Cubes Hold The Whipped Cream, One Sweet'N Low, and One Nutrasweet was the longest possible order at Starbucks.
- ... that Martha Stewart only uses cutting edge ketchup dispensers?
- ... that William Shatner is believed to have once been married to a ladle he found near Marianas Trench.
- ... that life is a competition, especially among chefs.
- ... that just because you shout God is dead does not mean that Chick-fil-A will magically be open on Sundays?
- ... that to determine if an egg is hardboiled, spin the egg on the counter: if it splatters all over the floor, it isn't.
- ... that 70% of all berries contain traces of napalm?
| “ | My weaknesses have always been food and men, in that order | ” |
— Hannibal Lecter, on weaknesses
| ||
-
Art
Peak pretentiousness -
Business
Money, money, money! -
Comedy
The science of funny -
Culinary
Food for the soul -
Film
Enter the Matrix -
Games
Recess time -
Gay
A gay ol' time -
Geography
Get lost -
History
Factually wrong -
Literature
Literally illiterate -
Internet
A series of tubes -
Music
Rock on! -
Politics
Politically incorrect -
People
The people's portal -
Religion
Speak of the Devil -
Science
Playing to be God -
Society
We live in one -
Technology
Breaking stuff easier -
Television
Turn your brain off -
Theatre
To be or not to be -
Video Games
Better than sex -
Zoology
Beware of furries -
Portals
Meta-Portal -
Community
The Community -
Main Page
The Uncyclopedia
