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Today's featured corpse

Clown alledgedly threatened by Bryce Von Deenis.

COEUR D'COEURS, USA -- Several circus performers at the local Barry Sonnenfeld & Bryan Fuller Shrine Circus have died under mysterious circumstances. According to one such victim, a mime who was brought back from the dead for 60 seconds by a local piemaker named Ned, a man named Bryce Von Deenis threatened to kill several clowns for making a dirty limerick about his last name. (More)

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Did you know...

... that Richard Nixon really just wanted a Magnavox Odyssey?

... that women get periods, but men get commas?
... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?
... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?
... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?
... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
... that your opinion does count, but the admins think otherwise?
... that applause was invented to mock the deaf?

... that the Black Knight always triumphs? (Pictured)

... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
... that you actually didn't know?
... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke?
... that compromise is a great diplomatic tool? Although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?

... that Richard Nixon really just wanted a Magnavox Odyssey?

... that women get periods, but men get commas?
... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?
... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?
... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?
... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
... that your opinion does count, but the admins think otherwise?
... that applause was invented to mock the deaf?

... that the Black Knight always triumphs? (Pictured)

... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
... that you actually didn't know?
... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke?
... that compromise is a great diplomatic tool? Although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?

... that Richard Nixon really just wanted a Magnavox Odyssey?

... that women get periods, but men get commas?
... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?
... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?
... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?
... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
... that your opinion does count, but the admins think otherwise?
... that applause was invented to mock the deaf?

... that the Black Knight always triumphs? (Pictured)

... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
... that you actually didn't know?
... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke?
... that compromise is a great diplomatic tool? Although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?

... that Richard Nixon really just wanted a Magnavox Odyssey?

... that women get periods, but men get commas?
... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?
... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?
... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?
... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
... that your opinion does count, but the admins think otherwise?
... that applause was invented to mock the deaf?

Old pies – Suggest new pies

Latest murders
He literally fought nail and tooth for Team America Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey (Pictured); Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters So.. about that Super Bowl.. Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over • Team Canada rethinking life Recent deaths: Brad Arnold • NFL season • Winter Olympics • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan • Eric Dane • Melania Trump's big movie star career • Team Canada hockey, twice, AND their curling team Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy and snow handling capability • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to remember • Mexico Murder News – Free Lunch at the Pie Hole**
Past murders...
February 23: Vin Diesel Saying the Word "Family" Day 1455 - The Gutenberg Bible is first printed, God brags that he is now a published author. 1923 - Werner Heisenberg plans to describe the uncertainty principle to his peers, but is unsure if they'll like it or not. 1941 - Scientists first create Plutonium, but instead of getting cool superpowers they just get cancer and die. 1947 - The International Organization for Standardization is founded to make Americans feel insecure about the customary system. 1999 - Kurdish leader Abdullah Öcalan is sentenced to death by Turkey due to mustache jealousy. 2015 - Vin Diesel (Pictured) says the word family so many times it doesn't even sound like a word anymore. View tomorrow – More murders...
Pie of the Week
For the glory of her majesty Help us bring back murder victims, and plant the seeds of daisies.

Today's featured pie

Ah, a nice cold Guinness, I-- ...What the??? Damn you, you Krauts!

Image credit: Jocke Pirat
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Detective and Piemaker of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

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