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Today's featured corpse

Clown alledgedly threatened by Bryce Von Deenis.

COEUR D'COEURS, USA -- Several circus performers at the local Barry Sonnenfeld & Bryan Fuller Shrine Circus have died under mysterious circumstances. According to one such victim, a mime who was brought back from the dead for 60 seconds by a local piemaker named Ned, a man named Bryce Von Deenis threatened to kill several clowns for making a dirty limerick about his last name. (More)

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Yesterday's featured corpse

Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge.

Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one.

Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again!

Hold on...

Why is my hair roller in here?

Wait...

This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill?

Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault.

Just a minute...

WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...)

Did you know...

... that Burger King briefly attempted to introduce traditional British cuisine in the US? (Pictured)

... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that NASA will one day send sharks to space?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?
... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?

... that it's a surprisingly simple process to starting your own religion? (Pictured)

... You can do anything with creativity, determination, and the exploitation of the working class?
... that Africa's space program has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
... that apparently, this Charles Norris fellow is quite the ruffian?
... that there is no consensus among experts on vice presidential history that Al Gore exists?
... that Joe Biden stepped in dog shit?

... that Burger King briefly attempted to introduce traditional British cuisine in the US? (Pictured)

... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that NASA will one day send sharks to space?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?
... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?

... that it's a surprisingly simple process to starting your own religion? (Pictured)

... You can do anything with creativity, determination, and the exploitation of the working class?
... that Africa's space program has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
... that apparently, this Charles Norris fellow is quite the ruffian?
... that there is no consensus among experts on vice presidential history that Al Gore exists?
... that Joe Biden stepped in dog shit?

... that Burger King briefly attempted to introduce traditional British cuisine in the US? (Pictured)

... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that NASA will one day send sharks to space?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?
... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?

... that it's a surprisingly simple process to starting your own religion? (Pictured)

... You can do anything with creativity, determination, and the exploitation of the working class?
... that Africa's space program has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
... that apparently, this Charles Norris fellow is quite the ruffian?
... that there is no consensus among experts on vice presidential history that Al Gore exists?
... that Joe Biden stepped in dog shit?

... that Burger King briefly attempted to introduce traditional British cuisine in the US? (Pictured)

... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that NASA will one day send sharks to space?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?
... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?

Old pies – Suggest new pies

Latest murders
"Come! Come support my tacky AI website!" Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (Pictured; this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters So.. about that Super Bowl.. Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over Recent deaths*: Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan • McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy* (if you're Gen X) or the dad from Euphoria (if you're a Millennial or Gen Z) Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about Murder News – Free Lunch at the Pie Hole
Past murders...
February 20: Hot Garbage Day 1792 - The Postal Service is first established, celebration ceremony is accidentally rerouted to San Francisco, Spanish California. 1872 - After some harsh wind, the Metropolitan Museum of Art opens its first exhibit, a giant pile of toppled over ceiling scaffolding. 1877 - Russian ballet Swan Lake is received poorly by critics after show swans descend into the audience and peck their eyes out. 1935 - The first woman to set foot in Antarctica wonders what all the fuss was about. 1986 - The Soviet Union launches the space station Mir, cosmonauts test whether communism can work in outer space. 2016 - A man in Schenectady, New York is the first person to describe someone's opinion as "hot garbage" (Pictured), is given medal for ruining English. View tomorrow – More murders...
Pie of the Week
For the glory of her majesty Help us bring back murder victims, and plant the seeds of daisies.

Today's featured pie

The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it.

Image credit: Serge Billault
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Detective and Piemaker of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

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