Protected page

Dear John letter

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
(Redirected from Dear John)
Jump to navigation Jump to search
(random content ~ click for a different version)
Letter Background.jpg

Wax seal.jpg
Ink spot3.png



Potatohead aqua.png
Featured version: 8 December 2006
This article has been featured on the front page. You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.Template:FA/08 December 2006Template:FA/2006Template:FQ/08 December 2006Template:FQ/2006
Hand pencil.png
Friday, October 24, 2025  

Dear Uncle Sam,


By the time you read this, I'll be at Community Hospital, being prepared for a sex-change operation. Our time together made me realize some important things about myself. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but time is money, and according to your most current bank statement you have insufficient funds to purchase additional time credits with me.

I know this might seem like I'm into polygamy or something just because I have five wives at the same time, but Elisab... Rebecca... umm, I mean Sarah, you're the only one who truly matters, I swear. Surely our time together must still mean something to you, seeing as we made all those plans to cannibalize your family, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — I think. I just need more men, on some kind of rotating schedule.

I want to tell you that I think you are a Terminator sent from the future to kill me, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a Nazi war criminal, and I am the creep who has been sending you human ears every Friday for the last eight months. You like laying on the floor with all the lights off, playing with your pasta meals until it looks like the Flying Spaghetti Monster before proceeding to eat it, and smelling other people's fingers, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date in Hell, after killing each other. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I do sadistic things to your digital duplicate in The Sims 3.

I'd really like us to become old without ever speaking to, or thinking of, each other ever again, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least when we turned the clock forward a few hours and then pretended that something nice happened during that time (whereas nothing at all happened, really).

Take care of yourself and never forget to have your pets sprayed and neutered.

Living is easy with eyes closed,

~ The "I Like Cheese Monthly" Editor.

‏‏