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From today's featured article 

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Water is a colorless and abundant substance that's foolishly believed to be harmless and essential to life. No. More than 99.9% of the entire world population is so addicted to it they would fucking die were they deprived of this product. So severe would the withdrawal symptoms be they would, at best, have days to live without medical intervention. Humans, who have opened their eyes know they can live water free with meditation, inhaling diamond dust or drinking human and animal blood (just like paleo-cavemen used to do). We don't need water. Water is a scam. How many animals do you see drinking water? Only pets like cats and dogs that are forced to. Other animals don't. (You cannot find a single example if you tried.) It's unnatural. Humans started drinking water 5,000 years ago and this mind-virus spread and has never retreated. Little do they know the plan was designed from the beginning by a cabal of mentally challenged Mesopotamians who set the framework for mass human suffering (more later).

The elite don't want you do know that water is responsible for JFK's assassination, 9/11, the Mongol Horde, Princess Diana's murder and, worst of all, the most unforgivable calamity known to man: unleashing Justin Bieber on an unsuspecting world of innocent humans. (Full article...)

Did you know... 

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  • ... that the waterways of Oslo, Norway are much like Venice, except that they are open sewers? (Pictured)

In the news 

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"It's for the children's own good!"

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Superman and Super Dog's movie doing surprisingly well • Israel/Iran and Russia/Ukraine "peace talks" • Pittsburgh Steelers adding old players way past their prime • Rock drummer exodus (not to be confused with Tom Hunting or Zbigniew Fyk)

Recent deaths: Diddy's freedom for only 20 years • Michael Madsen • Diogo Jota • Texas flood victims • LA ICE raids • Connie Francis • Alan Bergman • Bill Cosby's TV son • Bryan Kohberger's freedom • Ozzy Osbourne • Chuck Mangione • Hulk Hogan • Resident Alien • Down syndrome

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Oil prices • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits • The asshats who spoiled Squid Game • MAGA • Joe Biden's credibility • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Bryan Kohberger, at the hands of his fellow inmates

On this day 

July 26: Punch Your Girlfriend Day (Michigan)
  • 3400 B.C. – Cave man punch woman. then laugh
  • 589 – King Arthur declares himself King of England after using Excalibur to hit his woman.
  • 657 – Battle of Siffin. Theys was Diffin, yo. No I'm sayn, Bitch?
  • 790 – The practice of "back handing" starts in Europe as a cure for the women talking. It has a success rate of 80%.
  • 810 – The practice of "back handing" ends in Europe as reports of excessively clean houses increase.
  • 1521 – Famed prophet Nostradamus predicts that the King of England will have an affair and take the Queen of France as his mistress.
  • 1524 – Nostradamus's house gets egged by an angry mob as they find his prediction to be wrong and that the King of England does not take the Queen of France as his mistress, but the Prince of Germany.
  • 1536 – King Henry VIII of England takes Punch Your Girlfriend day to new extremes, by killing two of his wives.
  • 1590 – Martin Luther changes his "100 Thesis" to the "99 Thesis" by deleting the sentence, "Priests are not to be allowed to have relations with children."
  • 1792 – The Whiskey Rebellion is lost as George Washington and his troops march to fight off rebels while they were drunk singing "99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. We take one down, pass it around, and 98 bottles of beer on the wall..."
  • 1812 – The War of 1812 starts as an 18 year old young British boy gets in a fist fight with a 12 year old American. The two nations get involved as they send reinforcements to help the children.
  • 1834 – The whoopie cushion is invented as a seat cover, but does not sell well for making "sounds of unwanted body gases."
  • 1870 – The typewriter is invented with only the keys Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.
  • 1956 – Harry Belafonte is impregnated by deadly black tarantulas as Shari Belafonte is born among a bunch of bananas.
  • 1966 – Bloblobo, king of Bababa, knights Bob the salesmen for his studies in the field of OhmygodIforgottochangemyboxersology.
  • 1974 – A Scottish man is viciously attacked by an alien squid after mistaking the creature for his bagpipes. Several women are punched in the process.
  • 1988 – Reading in terror - Godzilla is born in the Royal Berkshire Hospital.
  • 1994 – Like Henry VIII, O.J. Simpson takes "punch your girlfriend day" a step further by murdering his wife.
  • 1997 – Peter Piper picks a peck of pickled peppers. Pfft!
  • 2000 – 35 people with the Y2K bug are hospitalized after having close physical contact with their computers.
  • 2007 – The Green Archers are beaten by The Blue Eagles, The Archers then punch their girlfriends for not cheering hard enough. The Eagles punch their girlfriends in ecstasy.
  • 2008 – Max Mosley celebrates "punch your girlfriend day" by dressing as a Nazi prison guard.
  • 2089 – Chuck Norris punches girlfriend, waking his dentist and long-deceased great-great-great-great grandfather Odysseus.
  • 3001 – Justin Bieber's preserved remains finally hit puberty.

Picture of the day

Pontius Pilot
 The Pontius Pilot is infamous for some functionality issues. One typical complaint is that the Microsoft Crucifixion program often crucified incorrect and important data, such as the Messiah. Thankfully for its users, the file would miraculously reappear two days later after descending to the Recycle Bin, not three as some mathematically illiterate biblical scholars would tell you.

Image credit: Savethemooses
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