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Alright, listen up youse mugs. Alphonse "Scarface Al" Capone (January 17, 1899 – January 25, 1947) was a gangsta, see? He ran a criminal syndicate in Chicago, yeah, during the 1920s and 1930s. His hoods was runnin' hot hooch in his ritzy juice-joints, and he was makin' some serious mazuma. But he was to learn that everything was not jake, and soon Uncle Sam had him cooling his heels in the pokey.

As a young wop, Capone belonged to a mob of equally greasy yooths known as the Brooklyn Rippa's, involved in stealing apples, pranking neighbours, pimping, and other sorts of wholesome childish mischief.

Capone worked a series of odd jobs after being expelled from school for making a shiv ^[1]. Over the years, he worked as a shaving model at barber training school, as a waiter for the well known chef Joseph "Psycho Joe" McCleaver, and target for vaudeville knife-thrower Jimmy "Shakes" McGraw. It is thought that one of these jobs earned him the nickname "Holey Fuck, I Ain't Never Seen A Face So Lacerated" Al. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that the Southern United States is well-known for its "Southern Hospitality"? (Pictured)

... that Freddie Mercury was banned in some European countries due to his extremely radioactive last name?
... about Alliteration articulating an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accouterments as alarmingly asinine alignments?
... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
... that not all πr². There are also many π that r rounded?
... that when it says "Do not try at home", it actually means "Do not try this at all"?
... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?
... that sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from science?

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In the news [edit]

Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge (Pictured)
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · ABBA
Recent deaths: Akira Toriyama · M. Emmet Walsh · Louis Gossett Jr. · Hype around the eclipse · O. J. Simpson
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe)

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On this day [edit]

April 20: Smoke Weed for Baby Hitler Day (Germany)

420 - People probably smoked lots of weed this year feeling really good about themselves. (Pictured)
571 - Cassius Clay born, later changes name to Muhammad, hails himself as the "Greatest prophet of all time, baby!"
1607 - White settlers arrive at Jamestown, find nothing of value except some inedible brown leaves and some equally inedible brown people.
1814 - The War of 1812 begins, two years behind schedule.
1889 - Adolf Hitler, perhaps best known for his ghastly taste in oil paintings, is born.
1943 - France so despises Vichy Government that they give them stern looks and serve them English wine.
1994 - A fireworks display in Oklahoma City goes horribly wrong; bystander blamed and later executed.
2007 - Cho Seung-Hui is welcomed in Hell. Even Satan is not amused.

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